[tmacsond]

Hi,
I'm hoping to get some insight from blended families. We have a bio son age 4 and are just starting the adoption process for a girl from Korea.

If you are/were in a similar situation, how/when did you introduce the older sibling to the idea of being an older sibling? We're planning to use an escort mainly for the reason of introducing our older child to his sister in a way that does not involved mom/dad or both leaving and for a long time and coming back with a new child. But how did you handle the travel etc?

For those who have adopted, how have you addressed the different race questions etc. Honestly, I'm so excited to have a multi-ethnic family but I'm also very nervous about the journey. Is that normal?

Did any of you learn Korean? I want to teach our daughter her native language (even if it sounds non-native) b/c I believe it's crucial. Plus, we plan to go to Korea when our kids are older and I definitely want to be able to be comfortable in conversations. What method did you use to learn the language?

Sorry so many questions. Thanks!

[Max'smom]

Hi,
We aren't in your situation - our adopted son is our first and likely to be our only. In terms of the race issues, and your other questions about heritage retention, you might want to join a local support group of waiting families or just a play group for families formed through adoption. When we were in process, our agency offered us this opportunity and I know our area has various play groups for blended families; plus they also organize heritage camps and heritage activities. One thing we did find useful was taking the 1 day seminar one of the adoptive families groups in our city offers - they bring together a lot of adoptees and adoptive families to address the kind of questions you are wondering about. I would ask your agency about such groups. Finally, if there are no such activities in your area, you might join an internet group of adoptive families. I get the impression from recent postings on this particular forum that many people posting are still in process and so might not have answers yet to your questions, however, I know for sure that there are forums out there where there is more activity and more participation among people who would have answers.
Good luck,
MM

[cara620]

We have 2 bios..DS 9 amd DD 7..they were 5 and 7 when we started the process. Once we were seriously considering adoption, we just started talking to them in "how would you feel if ?" kinds of ways. And then bringing up all of the positive things about it and some things that might be scary but untrue (we won't love them..ect). And as time went by they asked more and more questions and we also expressed our excitement about the new baby. We also tried to notice other multiraical families and use them as a starting point for more discussions. We read books also.

At one point my DS came to me while I was doing laundry one day and said "Why are we getting another baby?, Why do we need one?" He was about 8 at the time (so you may not get such direct questions) I tried to answer him as best I could (we a followers of Christ, so that comes in quite a lot as to why we do everything we do, I am not sure if the same it true for you) Then he said, "I don't want another baby..I don't think we should get one." At that point I basicly told him that his Dad and I were not asking his permission to get one. We are the parents and we make deicisions about the family, although we do always want to know how they (the kids) feel about them but parents know what is best not the kids. And that we had made our deicsion and now we needed to focus on preparing everyone for the changes that would be coming, not aurguing about them.

But now that Hope is home he has changed his tune. He is totally in love with her. And DH just asked the kids the other day how they would feel if we adopted again , and they both said that they wanted us to. DS even said, "I didn't know I would love her this much".

Well, I hope that answers some of your questions,

[Carlee1boy]

Hi there,
Congratulations on deciding to expand your family through adoption! We are a multi-racial family, as our oldest son is biological (white), our younger son is from Guatemala, and our daughter is from South Korea.

Our son was four years old when his brother came home from Guatemala. We prepared him in much the same way any other family does about a new sibling. However, we did show him lots of pictures of latino children and explained that his brother would have brown skin and black hair since he is from Guatemala. When both boys were here and we were awaiting our daughter, we showed them pictures of Asian children so they would know what to expect.

We do get looks sometimes, and sometimes questions. But 80% of it is very positive. When it's not (positive), we use it as a learning experience. A recent example was last week. We were getting quotes for a new roof on our home. The man from one of the roofing companies proudly stated that his was an "all white crew." My oldest son asked what that meant. We explained that the man felt it was good to only have white people in his company. My son was HORRIFIED and was very happy to learn that we wouldn't use that company to put on our roof. (Sidebar--the man whose company DID install our new roof has two sisters from Korea).

Sorry I made a short story long, but I think my point is that being a multi-racial family is an amazing thing. It has been a wonderful learning experience for both me and my children.

Good luck to you!
Carolyn

[cdm1965]

We have a biological daughter (now 10 yrs old) and a son who we adopted from Korea in 2005 (now 3). We introduced the idea to her once we were fairly far along in the adoption process, and she was very excited about it from the start. She loved the idea of being a "big sister". We just talked openly about it with her, and it went much more smoothly than I expected. (Probably not too different from what cara and Carlee wrote in their responses.)

Our daughter was approx. 6-7 years old at the time we went to Korea. We were gone for 7 days, and our daughter stayed with friends for a couple of days until my parents could get to Chicago to be with her. She was fine, and she was busy with school, soccer, playdates, etc. . . We sent emails and pics from Internet cafes in Seoul every other day.

I strongly recommend going to Korea if at all possible. Don't let your concern for your son be the reason to not go - he'll be fine. :-) It was a wonderful experience, and it provides a great background and context for knowing where your child is from. Plus, it was essentially a 7 day vacation of sightseeing, shopping and eating. After all the adoption stuff, it was a well-earned break. We went to our son's birthplace, and we spent 2 days taking pics, hiking in the mountains nearby and seeing where his biological mother and father were from.

As for the mixed race aspect, where we live in Chicago, there are many mixed race families (adoptive and otherwise), so it has not been a significant issue for us yet. Nevertheless, it's something we think about, read about and try to talk about regularly with our daughter and our son. I understand the nervousness, and I think it's normal. I was nervous about every aspect of the adoption process.

As for learning Korean, we tried to learn some before our trip, but it's a hard language for English speakers to pick up (IMHO). We have books and tapes, but we'll probably send our son to a local school where they teach Korean. That will require a real time commitment getting him to and from the school, so we'll see how that works out when that has to be coordinated with all the other stuff that fills our days.

Feel free to send me a PM if you have any other questions.

Dirk