[zeus]

I dont know about anybody elses experience but my adoption was a nightmare. I dont ever recall anyone ever sitting me down to tell me what was happening to me but alls I know is I never knew what was going on. Noone ever sat me down and told me my mom gave me up. Noone ever told me she was never comming back. Noone ever told me I was leaveing my country and was being sent to a foreign land where noone would understand me. Noone ever told me my life was over as I knew it and that a new one was being prepared for me. The only thing I knew was what was in my head and the only thing I knew was that I thought some day I would go home to my mom. I miss her soo much! The only thing in life I want is to see her one more time and to be able to ask her why? What happened to make her feel like she needed to give me away? Why didnt she tell me what she was planning to do? Didnt she feel I deserved to atleast know that or did she think I was to stupid to understand?
I feel so bad for feeling this way cause I am assumeing she thought she was doing what was best but now that I have a child I cant imagine makeing her go through what I went through. I think if I had to do what she did I would have to kill myself afterward. I would not be able to live with myself! I have a hard time liveing with myself for putting her through a divorce, I cant imagine giveing her up for any reason. I know I feel this way because of what I went through but still to give your own child up is just unimaginable to me especially at 4 or 5 years old. How can you spend years with your child and be ok with giveing them up?
I guess if I went through one of those fairytale adoptions where my a-parents were these careing, understanding, loveing, wise people it might have been a differen story but they werent and my life wasnt. My life was a disaster. My a-parents were a disaster. Oh and what friggin kind of screening did my a-parents go through cause it must not have been that thorough unless they put on a great disguise and acted like they were good people. I think they lived in a fairytale cause they must have thought I was going to come over and be this greatful kid that only wanted new parents to love me and take care of me. Im sorry but I wasnt like that cause the only thing on my mind was going home and seeing mom. Maybe if someone told me I was unwanted and that I would never see her again, maybe I would have felt different, but thats not the case here. Even as my plane landed in America I thought I was going to go home. Even as I was shuffled into my a-parents car, I thought I was going home. Even when I was in the hospital under quarentine I thought I was going home, but home never found me and the love I searched for never found me and now as Im 35 years old I begin my search for that love and home I miss so much!!!
I am soo sorry if this story crushes anybodies ideas about adoption but these can be the cold hard facts of our lives. Not all adoptions are as you see on T.V. Not all children are greatful for the position they were forced into. Not all a-parents are wise and loveing. Life is not always full of flowers and blue skies and this I have to learn to accept.
The only thing I wish for any future a-parents or future adoptees is the knowledge that you must be aware of the possibilities of adoption. That it is not always as you might imagine it. Be aware of who you are adopting and inform them as soon as possible what is happening in their life and explain the circumstances their in and why. Even though you might think them to young to understand atleast they have the chance to grow into understanding.
I hope you all get something out of this!!!

[Nicole28]

Nick -

I'm sorry that you had a difficult experience.

From what I understand, the majority of children adopted domestically and internationally are very, very young when they are adopted - infants or toddlers - so, in a sense, they are too young to comprehend what is happening to them. How old were you when you were relinquished for adoption? I am assuming that you were elementary age or a little older, since you have such vivid memories of the experience and seemed to have an understanding of what was happening [to some degree]. That being said, the initial trauma of separation from a biological mother is very different in an infant or toddler, especially if the child is relinquished when they are just days old. Of course, in the event that a child does spend a significant time with their biological mother, the separation is, as you experienced, confusing and traumatizing. My bio-mother planned on relinquishing me for adoption long before I was born, so she gave birth, signed a release of parental rights the next day, and on the third day I was released into the custody of a private adoption agency. As a three-day old baby, I clearly had no idea what was happening, and my bio-mother made no attempt to bond with me, so I didn't experience any kind of trauma as a result of the separation.

What I'm trying to convey is that you're correct that the separation between a child and their biological mother is very disrupting and has many negative and emotionally devastating effects. I'd imagine that in certain situations where a child is removed from the home and put into the foster care system that they experience much of what you did. However, in a lot of cases [most cases, I'd say] an adopted child is quite young when they are placed with their adoptive families.

I would agree and say that your biological mother did do what she thought was in your best interest when she relinquished you for adoption. Since you were so young, I imagine that there were a lot of grown-up, complicated circumstances that led to your adoption [you mentioned divorce]. I do not like to say that I was "given up" when referring to my adoption - that, to me, implies something really negative, you know? That's why I generally say "relinquished," since it carries less of a negative connotation than "gave up." I do not think that your biological mother "gave you up" - I think that she did what she thought was best...but I think that she did that out of love, and perhaps desperation, depending on her circumstances. Do I think that she regrets that? Perhaps. Do I think that she still thinks about you, loves you, wonders where you are and how you're doing? I do.

In regards to your adoptive parents, I would say that their expectations may have been unrealistic, but that may just be your perception. Depending on when you were adopted, they may have been told unrealistic or ridiculous things by an agency or social worker, you know? Maybe something like "Oh yes, this child is so looking forward to meeting their new family," in an effort to excite and encourage them. Honestly, as parent adopting an older child from a foreign land, I'd probably expect that the child would be confused and scared and experiencing emotional issues in regards to their separation from biological family, but depending on when you were adopted, the people handling your case may not have prepared your adoptive family for those kinds of situations, you know? The 70's & 80's were a very different time for adoption - it was SUCH a different experience then.

I don't think that your story will "crush" anyone's idea of adoption. As far as adoption not being like "what we see on TV," I rarely see adoption portrayed on TV - especially on sitcoms. If I do see it, it's some kind of documentary or a segment on a talk show, and I have seen barely any coverage of domestic adoption. I do agree, though, that people "on the outside" of the adoption triad probably have unrealistic ideas of what adoption is like.

Nowadays there is so much preparation that goes into adoption. Parents who adopt internationally are aware of and respectful of their child's culture, and it is embraced at home, which I think is wonderful. Parents who adopt internationally go through intense and lengthy screening processes - for proof of the frustration these people feel while waiting to bring home their children, go visit that Guat Adoption forum & read those posts! Those people want their children more than anything else - and their persistence is admirable.

In my own situation, I have known that I was adopted for as long as I can remember, but my fifth birthday is my first "real" memory of knowing that I was adopted. I have always known and my parents have made sure to fulfill me emotionally so that I know that I was wanted and that I am special to them. I, like you, am searching, but our searches are obviously a little different.

Do you have a relationship with your adoptive parents? If you were to locate your biological mother, would you return to wherever she is living and attempt to forge a mother-child relationship with her? How is your search progressing?

I hope that you heal & find peace.

Nicole

[Slatond10]

Nick -- thanks for sharing your story. I am not crushed as a AP to hear your views. You are being honest! And I believe your views and comments are completely justified. At 4 or 5, this had to be completely devastating to you especially because of all the "unknown" and "unexplained." You have to be an incredibly strong person!!!

I thought I understood you to say you were searching for your birthmother? I hope so and I hope you locate her so that you can talk and find some answers.

My DD was 13 wks old when she came to me. But I still believe she will have a void for her birthmother and birthfamily. I located them and started contact while she is 2 so that she can know, see and love her birthmother too. This doesn't take away her love for me and I know that. ( however, as a AP I am not necessarily the "wisest" or most patient or the best either!) But I do love my daughter with all my heart and can't imagine my life w/o her in it.