[mommy2B2Nina]

We brought home our 11 motnh old on Friday night. She would not sleep that night unless I was holding her on my chest so I didn't get to sleep on Friday. We have a pack n play set up right next to the bed but she just screams if you lay her in it. She was used to sleeping with her foster mother on a fouton.
So, DH sleeps on the couch and I get her to sleep across my chest and roll her over onto the bed next to me. I have not gotten more than 3 hours of sleep each night.

Any suggestions on how to transition her to the pack n play? I know you are not supposed to let them cry it out, but I really would like for her to sleep in the pack n play.

Also, she does not like for me to put her down. I am so glad that she is attached to me and feels comfortable but it is very hard to pee while holding an 11 month old. I also have two other children who need shoes tied and lunch made, etc. Is it alright to let them cry at all? I put her down and am in the same room so she can see me, but I simply cannot hold her every single second of the day. She has warmed up to my husband a little and he can at least get her calmed down after a minute or two if I cannot hold her. I know every situation is different, but how long will this all last? A month? 6 months? How do I slowly get her used to the pack n play and being put down?
I'm exhausted. But I love her to bits.
Thanks in advance. Any insight is greatly appreciated.

[teachamy]

There are a couple of options...#1, a chunei or other baby carrier that will let you carry her on your back, keeping your hands free for your other munchkins. #2, I'm sure DD is helping with your boys as much as possible. Perhaps you can call in some reinforcements (family?) during the day so you can get some sleep. The babies often seem more comfortable with females. #3, have you tried a dim light in the bedroom at night? Perhaps she is fightened by the dark. #4 Also, I would sit her in the pack and play for a few minutes at a time, during the day. She will cry, but stay by her side, and don't keep her in it too long. #5 Is she napping yet? Chances are likely her little body hasn't adjusted to the time change and she is overtired. As I'm sure you know, an overtired baby is a baby that is fussy and oddly enough, reluctant to sleep.

No, I wouldn't let her "cry it out" just yet. She is confused and scared, and you are understandably exhausted. She needs to know you'll be there for her when she cries. If you do choose to put her in the pack and play, always stay in her sight, and take her out when she really starts to lose control and you know she won't be able to calm herself.

Best of luck, Mom. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!!

[teachamy]

By the way--this will probably take a few weeks to resolve. Also, check her temp and everything, just to make sure she's feeling OK physically. And again, don't be afraid to ask for help!!!
Amy

[lucyjoy]

Guessing the agency you used didn't do a lot of training. This child was just removed from EVERYTHING she understands. She's terrified and grieving. HOLD HER even if you don't want to.

Imagine that someone came and took you, put you with a new husband who spoke a different language. No one explained anything(11 month old's don't have the language skills) yet you need to just get with the program and be a wife. That's where your kid is at.

Rocking her, holding her, reassuring her she's safe-much as you would do with a newborn. She may need to sleep with you for 6 months.

Can you move her to the pack and play after she falls asleep? She needs time to get use to your smell, your sound, and to be reassured she won't get swooped up and moved again.

Congratulations on your new baby

[crick]

I agree with "wearing" her in a baby sling as much as possible and for now I would co-sleep with her. Once she is more comfortable and used to you and dh, you'll be able to transition her to the pack n play. Right now, I think along with all the other changes she has been through, this is not a battle I would pick, plus I truly believe this to be a great way to bond and attach.

I'm sure you are completely exhausted! If you can have friends help out with chores, errands, driving kids to school etc., I would let them do those things for you so you can focus on your little one. I would wear her in your sling when you are getting lunches made and attending to your other kids needs. They of course need Mom too, and it IS a hard thing to balance. But...you've only been home for a few days, you've travelled far, are tired, emotionally spent etc. and you need to cut yourself slack on managing everything. It'll take some time.

Shower with her too if she's not napping then and as for the bathroom...well, you can put her where she can see you and let her cry for the 60 seconds it takes you to pee. This, imo, actually helps her attach because she'll start learning that when she cries, mom comes to attend to her needs.

In the evenings, when dh is home...take 30 min. out for yourself no matter what. You will need that.

[Hopeful_Jen]

Don't let this wear you out, as this too shall pass.

It's great to have here with you all the time, but remember that she has two parents and the sooner your DH finds a way to bond the better their attachement will be, and the less stress on you. Let DH have her for two 30 minute stretches each day. That worked great with our 18 month old. I still walked through the room, or washed dishes nearby and would bring a bottle or the food, but DH had all the stress and it really helped us all out at the begining (it's great for a husband who is feeling shut out too.)

Try some tummy time on a fun play mat or boppy pillow. Stay right by her and face to face, but let her get a little feeling of not being pressed up against someone... this may be a first for her.

Did they tell you what she likes to play with... toys, rattles, mirrors... something to keep her entertained so she doesn't need stimilation from you.

Have you tried a swing or jumper? Our 18 month old would jump in the jumper for a few minutes right from the begining. He has strong thighs and loved the extra stimilation. It helped me find time to pick up.

Ask Mom, Sister, MIL, best friend to come over and help you for a few days. If you have ever needed them, it's probably right now. You will eventually get more than 3 hours of sleep a day, but right now that's not enough to function and be there for all of your family. Ask for help, they are probably just waiting for you to say the word.

Would love to see a photo of your darling at home!

[Max'smom]

My son was like your daughter at night - I had to hold him in my arms at night, initially all night, then just for a few hours, and then for less and less time. I thought I was going to drop dead of exhaustion and I'm sure you are thinking that this might continue for ever. It won't. What is important is for your daughter to start to feel confident that you are there for her.

The hardest for our son was getting through nights the first week. He was fine in the daytime but was so terrified at night that he would literally roll from side to side (at age 5 months) to try to locate a human being if he was placed in a crib or in bed at that time and woke up alone. He started to feel more and more comfortable after the first week. The second week, he still cried if I put him down after he fell asleep. However, after that, he became more confident that someone was around and was less likely to get hysterical if he woke up and wasn't being held. Cosleeping worked for us, we transitioned him into a crib first for naps during the day, and then for sleeping at night. It got better after he started to feel confident that we were there.

I am afraid that my husband was no help during this time - my son bonded with me initially and seemed to cry just as hard if my husband held him as he did if he woke up alone. If that is true with your daughter, perhaps your husband can take over the other duties that you have toward your children, for the first few weeks.

Good luck!
MM

[babyhope07]

Hey Faith !
Congratulations on bringing Nina home safe and sound!
My son is just the opposite.... He still prefers to be off on his own and seems to gravitate toward my DH. I am trying to gently "force" myself on him.... I think we are making some progress....
Just an idea: I know it can be a hassle to move a crib, but you could consider moving the crib next to your bed and setting it so that the mattress is almost level with the bed. If you put the side rail down, she could lay in her crib, but still be right next to you. You could sleep on the edge of the bed, right next to the crib mattress and when she gets more comfortable, then put the rail back up. It may also help with an eventual transition into a crib in her own room.

As silly as it sound, the one thing that seems to get Chris smiling EVERY time is my signing "Supercalafragalistic...." from Mary Poppins. Maybe playing a familiar song might help. My daughter listens to "Imagine" ALL NIGHT on a loop. Try playing a soothing song all day and then playing it at night
Good luck!

[KarynB]

Hi Nina,

I don't have too much else to offer but just want to reiterate what lucyjoy said - just remember she has just been taken from everything she has ever known and EVERYTHING right now is different for her. She is scared, and it will take time for her to adjust. An Ergo baby carrier is a great idea - you can wear it as a backpack, on your front, and also on the hip and is good for up to 35-40 lbs.

I would not try and get her into the pack and play even when she falls asleep - you are trying to win her trust right now and if she wakes up in a strange place this might scare her even more. I would co-sleep until she has settled in - night time is the worst adjustment and takes the longest to achieve. Our son was adopted at 5 months and only started trusting us at night at around 14 months. Now he sleeps really well in his own crib. What about a co-sleeper bed that attaches to your own bed - then you get a bit of space but she can still see you, hear you, roll over to you?

I know you must be really tired and trying to adjust to a new little one after the long trip must be tough, but hang in there - it WILL get better day by day! Let her take the lead though, and don't push - she'll let you know when she's ready for a lot of this stuff...

[mommy2B2Nina]

Well, she slept (with me)8 hours last night with no crying! I have been using the heck out of my baby bjorn and also got her to sit and play with some plastic dishes on the floor next to me while I made dinner. Things are looking up.
I know it is a terrible adjustment for her and I know she is scared. I am trying my hardest to make it easy on her. I am seeing now that every day it gets a little bit better so I'm feeling more like a good mom and less like a horrible one.
Thank you to those of you that offered support and suggestions-I appreciate it.

[teachamy]

Yippee! Happy you got some rest! I'm glad things are going better for both of you.
Amy

[hopeful2adopt]

I don't have any additional suggestions, but I'm so glad to hear that you are already starting to see some positive change. Hope things continue to get better and better.

[Max'smom]

Hi,
I just wanted to add that I second the recommendation regarding the Ergo - I may be wrong, but many children your daughter's age are too big to carry comfortably in an Ergo without getting a terrible neck or back ache. The Ergo was a godsend for me when my son needed to be carried around for comforting, for instance, right before going to bed. Many people find the Ergo very easy to wear with bigger babies or toddlers (although some people are not built for it - it did not fit my 6 foot tall husband at all).

MM

[Abbylu]

DH and I took turns staying up with our dd. So every other night we got sleep. We figured out pretty quick that daddy was ok as long she she couldn't see me or hear me.

I learned how to bathroom wearing her pretty quick.

Along with the sleeping, you need to remember that her days and nights are the opposite of yours. She might get the actual light and dark figured out quick, but her tummy might not.

Once our DD got on CST time eating schedule, things got a lot better.

I pretty much wore her for a week straight.

I know it is hard, and it is frustrating, but you really just have to hunker down and get through it. The hard times won't last forever.

[Max'smom]

Hi,
I just realized that in my previous post above, I made a typo and it is too late to change it. What I was trying to say is that like the earlier poster said, the Ergo might be easier to use for carrying your 11 month old around than a Bjorn, which I believe puts a lot of pressure on your neck and is designed to be comfortable for littler babies than a typical 11 month old.
MM