[Kayosun]

Hi everyone!

We just got our little baby boy (almost 7 mos old) from Korea 4 weeks ago. I am posting because I am having a hard time bonding/attaching with the baby. He is a very good baby, hardly cries, gets up 2-3 times a night but I don't find that bad since I am off from work and I expected it (esp. since my bio son woke up a lot in the middle of the night when he was an infant), does not eat very well (was born 4 weeks premature) but I am trying different things to get him to eat more.

So how long did it take everyone to bond with their adopted child (i.e. am I normal???)?

Kayo

[teachamy]

Kayo,
Of course you are normal, sweetheart! Many people have gone through what you are now experiencing yourself. Sometimes, after waiting for what seems like an eternity for your adopted child, the reality of becoming a parent again is a bit of a shock. There are many great books, articles and resources available, but make sure you contact your social worker at your agency. They aren't going to react by thinking you are a "bad parent", they will want to help you through this difficult and NORMAL process.

My very best,
Amy

[2Bulgarianbeauties]

I just wrote an article on this for my agencies newsletter. I will cut and paste it here.

International Adoption and Attachment

No, this is not what you think. This is not an article on how children attach to their parents. This is about something many adoptive parents are often afraid to admit to or discuss – adoptive parents having difficulty attaching to their child. There are probably many post-adoptive parents thinking “been there – done that” right about now. But, for the many soon to be parents, you are probably thinking I have lost my mind. “Excuse me, after all of the paperwork, fingerprints, trips to the FedEx box and money I have spent trying to adopt, I may have problems ATTACHING!”

Yes, it happens, and probably more than any of us would like to admit. For example, the thoughts that crossed my mind after bringing home my 2 daughters:

 “Just crash the plane” – thought while flying over the Atlantic Ocean and Anna had been screaming non-stop for 3 hours
 “What am I going to do?”
 “This babysitting thing is fun, but when are her parents coming to pick her up? “(Honestly!)
 “I do not want to go inside” – thought while sitting outside their school and it was time to pick them up
 “I wish it were you, too” – thought as a response to a dear friend who said “I am so happy for you, I just wish it were me”.

After all of the work we go though to bring home our child, it can be difficult to imagine not being consumed by love for this little human being. And, for many, that is exactly what happens. But for those of us that struggle in the beginning with attachment, I would like of offer words of advice and encouragement.

This child is a stranger. Whether you have been staring at pictures for months, or visited her just a few weeks earlier, they are still a stranger. They are your stranger, but just the same, a stranger. Someone has just handing you a little person, and now you are completely responsible. They do not speak English; they may not even speak at all. You have to figure out what they need, and they have to adjust to a new time zone, new environment, new food, new faces and new voices. It can be overwhelming for all involved. While you have probably spent the last year or so dreaming of cuddling your child, taking him to the park, teaching her new things, many of those dreams have to take a backseat to the basics. Finding food the child will eat and be able to tolerate, getting a new sleep schedule in place, and adjusting the child to an environment with far more stimulation than they are used to or may be able to tolerate. In addition, you have to establish yourselves as both the primary caregiver and the primary disciplinarian. Depending on the child’s history, this may be a difficult concept for them to understand.

Fake it Until You Make It.
This is a phrase I have heard used often when talking about this issue. And, if you have been concerned about your own attachment, just knowing a phrase has been coined for it should give you some comfort as to just how normal it is. But, it really does work. If you find yourself struggling with attachment, fake it. Make your little one believe you are head over heals in love with them. Even if you are not quite there yet, it is very important that your child feels your all consuming love. As time goes on, and the adjustment issues work their way out, you will find yourself faking it less, and making it more. And for me, 6 months after each daughter came home, I was completely head over heals in love with my precious, albeit, goofy daughters.

[hopeful2adopt]

Kayo,

Hang in there..it takes time to bond and attach. He's only been here 4 weeks. I'm sure as time passes both yours and his feelings will evolve and develop. I agree with previous posters..there are lots of books and articles about attachment you can find out there. Also, the "fake it until you make it" sounds good to me too. Your experience is totally normal.

[Amymomamie]

I too have had difficulty bonding to my son. He was also 7 months old when we traveled and I am just now really beginning to bond. Keep in mind that when women are pregnant they have 9 months to bond with a baby that is growing inside them. Even though your adoption journey was more than 9 months, he has only been home 4 weeks and I would allow yourself the time to truly bond beginning with the day he came home.

It's been a difficult journey for us but we are getting there...every day is easier/better. Give yourself the time you need to bond and keep in mind that everyone is different.

[Max'smom]

It is very common for kids during the first few weeks to be shell-shocked and not themselves - and their new parent(s) are going through that, too. You are both getting used to each other. The stage is being set for new things, and soon you will be excitedly watching the "firsts" that are so magical. Hang in there.

[Five5]

While I have read a lot about bonding in adoption, I have not yet been an adoptive parent. My experience with my bio children, however, might provide you with a little comfort.
With my first, my daughter, true and complete bonding did not take place until she was about 4 months old and done being colicky.
With my next, it was love at first sight.
My third child arrived at 27 weeks gestation and spent 9 weeks in the NICU. He was very unresponsive and slept the majority of his first year. I found it very difficult to bond with him though as a mother, I loved him. That closeness just wasn't there. He is a happy, healthy 4 year old now and I couldn't be closer to him but it took a LONG time to make that connection.
Every child is different as are the circumstances of their arrival into your life.
Don't push yourself too hard to reach someone else's idea of "the norm". Be gentle to yourself and before you know it, the little stranger before you will be center of your heart.
I do agree with the mantra "Fake it 'til you make it".
Congrats on your little one.

[sak9645]

With most, but not all, adoptive parents, "fake it till you make it" works. It is a myth that bonding must be instantaneous; for many people, it takes days or weeks for bonding to occur. And bonding is not true attachment. Attachment, like love in the best marriages, grows over a period of years. When your child is ten, the quality of your relationship with him will be very different from the way it was earlier, no matter when bonding first began.

But let me mention something about attachment issues that has not been mentioned by others. It probably doesn't apply in your case, but I hope you will think about it carefully, just in case it does.

There are parents -- and by no means just a few -- who develop a phenomenon known as post-adoption depression. In many ways, it is similar to post-partum depression.

With post-partum depression, a return to pre-pregnancy hormone levels can wreak havoc with a person's moods. And the hard work of raising a newborn also enters the picture, as the eager anticipation of new life gives way to the realities of daily life -- the exhaustion from late night feedings, the boredom of an endless round of diaper changes and feedings, the frustration of trying to deal with a child who has no words with which to express his/her needs. With most parents, the mood swings and sense of "Is this all there is?" pass pretty quickly. But with some parents, moods get increasingly bleak, and the feeling of being trapped and frustrated becomes more intense. In the most common scenario, these latter parents take out their frustrations on their spouse, and fail to be able to enjoy their new child. In extreme cases, suicide and infanticide have happened -- thankfully, very rarely.

When a woman who has recently given birth develops this sort of deep and pervasive sadness, doctors say that she has post-partum depression. Post-partum depression is just another type of clinical depression. A person who is clinically depressed cannot simply will herself to "snap out of it". Clinical depression is as real an illness as appendicitis or a heart problem. And it must be treated like an illness. Many people who are clinically depressed require treatment with antidepressants, and need to talk through their problems with an experienced therapist. Clinical depression is curable if treated. Untreated, it can be dangerous.

Much the same thing can happen with adoptive parents. While there are no "pregnancy hormones" per se, the person has been on an emotional rollercoaster all during the long wait to bring a baby home. There is the excitement of finally making the decision to adopt, the stress of filling out all the paperwork, the anxiety about the referred child's health, the frustration with the wait, the anticipation of the moment when the child is placed into the person's arms, the fatigue of travel, and so on. Many of us refer to the sometimes crazy way we behave during adoption process as "adoption hormones".

And one day, the parent is handed a baby, often with very little ceremony, at the airport or in the foreign country. That baby may look like Hell, with an untreated rash, green slime coming from the nose, and a full diaper. That baby may be sick, may be grieving, may be angry at being handed over to someone who looks strange, sounds strange, and smells strange, compared to his/her caregiver. That baby may be severely jet lagged, or just a terrible sleeper. He/she may eat like a newborn -- that is, every few hours -- or he/she may be unhappy with American formula, American baby food, American table food. He/she may reject one parent in favor of the other, or show such anxious attachment that the parent cannot use the toilet without bringing the baby along.

It is often VERY hard for a new adoptive parent to bond with the child under such circumstances -- especially if he/she has traveled and dealt with his/her own jet lag and tummy upsets from unfamiliar food. And it is not unusual for the parent to think, as well, "Is THIS what I waited so long for?" as he/she changes diapers incessantly, responds to 2 a.m. screams, cleans strained peas from the floor, deals with a very unhappy family cat's jealousy, and spends more money at the doctor, who requests that he/she collect yet another set of stool samples. If the parent has dealt with infertility issues before deciding to adopt, then the sense of grief and loss resulting from the infertility may also arise again.

MOST adoptive parents eventually get over jet lag, settle in to a parenting routine, and discover that they actually DO love their baby and are thrilled to have a child at last. However, some adoptive parents cannot do so without help. They find themselves crying easily, arguing with their spouses, resenting the baby, no longer enjoying some of their favorite pursuits such as listening to music, sleeping poorly even when their children are sleeping well, and so on.

It is now being recognized that this latter group of people also may have a form of clinical depression, known as post-adoption depression. And just like any clinical depression, it will not go away by following the advice of well-meaning, but misguided, family members and friends who say things like, "Look, this is how parenthood is. Get over it."

Increasingly, therapists are seeing people with post-adoption depression, and treating them with anti-depressants and talk therapy, just as they would treat other clinically depressed people. With such treatment, the people can return to enjoying life, having a good marriage, and having a grand time interacting with their baby. Without it, the prognosis is simply not good. Divorce, adoption disruption, and so on could occur.

The point I'm trying to make is that you PROBABLY will bond to your child in a while, without outside help. Most people do. However, if you recognize yourself in any of the images I've presented above -- crying more than usual, feeling angry and resentful a lot, arguing with your spouse a lot, feeling like yelling at or hitting your child (even if you don't actually do it), and so on, it might not be a bad idea to see a therapist who is experienced with post-adoption depression.

Post-adoption depression is a major barrier to attachment and normal parent-child relationships. So if you suspect it, start treatment early. The whole future of your relationship with your child, as well as with other loved ones, could depend on it.

Sharon

[ahfdragonfly]

Don't worry! It comes at different times, in different ways, for different people. It may not be the "BAM! I'm in love" that some people talk about, it may be more of a gradual, once you get to know them, kind of thing. My CJ was a bad sleeper, those of you that remember from 1 - 2 years ago - it's still not great, but in my sleep deprived, stressed out, doubting moments, I would ask myself "How would I feel if I was asked to give her back?" "Over my dead body!!" That helped my clarify what I was feeling toward her.

[Kayosun]

Thank you ladies for your advice!

It is now my 5th week with Ryan and he is starting to smile back which is great

It still feels like I am babysitting for someone else though (normal?).

I think the lack of sleep, Ryan not eating very well (19oz - 22 oz a day) or sleeping very well, and being sick (I think my immune system is down from lack of sleep and stress of him not eating), are all contributing to my sometimes regretting my decision to adopt. I hope I don't sound like a bad person...

I'm sure this is all part of attaching/bonding, but I didn't realize how hard this part would be. With my bio-son, he wasn't a very good sleeper (but a good eater), but I felt so attached to him right away that none of the hardships mattered. I don't know if I am having a hard time because I feel a distinction between my bio-son and my adopted son because I am already so attached to my bio-son. Sometimes I think that we should've adopted a girl because then maybe I wouldn't compare our adopted son with our bio-son...

Hope I don't sound like a terrible person for posting this but I feel so terribly alone right now and need to share my feelings with others that adopted.

Kayo-sun

[mom2oneson]

Kayo-sun--

5 weeks is still early! In my opinion your feelings are still well within the normal range. With our 1st adoption I didn't truly feel like my son's mother until approximately 5 months after we brought him home! If you are able to "fake it" right now then you are providing him with what he needs...which of course is important.

I would continue to reach out for support...either through the on-line community or perhaps with other local adoptive families (ones who you suspect will be supportive of course!). Think in terms of months rather than weeks...of course don't be afraid to seek out help if you feel you might fall into the category of post-adoption depression...I wish I had sought help from our family physician when I was feeling blue after our adoption. We are in the process of adopting #2 and I won't hesitate to seek professional advice this time if I have the same feelings.


Good luck to you--in a year you will look back on all of this and feel so much different!!

[hopeful2adopt]

Kayo-sun,

Lots of {{{{HUGS}}}} to you. You're not a bad person. I admire you for being so honest about your experiences. Sometimes, I think that is helpful for everyone so they don't feel so all alone if their transition isn't all sunshine and happiness. When Sam came home he would periodically go through these crying jags where he was just inconsolable. It was heart breaking at the time and put me in tears at times. To this day, I don't know if it was grieving or just exhaustion because he wasn't napping enough in the beginning. Either way, we did get through it and today, he is one happy little boy. I'm just hoping that everyday you see a little change in your own child or your own feelings so that you know things are getting better.

[mmcool]

Thank you for talking so honestly about something that people don't talk about much. I think this is a very necessary topic to discuss so that we don't feel isolated when we are going through the range of emotions.

Of course, feelings, etc. all vary, but my experience was similar to yours in that I didn't feel instantly like I was DD's mom. When she traveled at 16 months, I didn't even know who she was. We both had to adjust and get to know the other person before we could start to develop a deeper bond. Now that she's been home six months, we know each other's quirks and idiosyncracies, and we still can say "I love you" through it all

One of the best things you can do is be patient with yourself. Five weeks is only a fraction of the time that your son was in Korea and a fraction of the life that you had before his arrival. And when you feel like you need some support, just ask and you'll be sure to get some

Take care,

Melissa