[kaoly16]

We just received two letters from our birth mom. One for our son and the other one for us. They were written months before he was born. She did express her love for him and the reasons why she could not keep him. They were beautiful letters and I am glad that she wrote them. Has anyone else received a letter from their child's birth mom, written before or after the child's birth?

I am not sure when to give it to him, maybe when he starts asking about his birth mom and I know that he is ready. What would you do if you were to receive such a letter?

[Carlee1boy]

Wow, how amazing. You are very lucky. I think I would become extremely emotional if we received such a letter. I would love to have contact with my children's birthmothers.

My children are still very young, so I'm not sure when to share such a letter. I would guess when they are old enough to understand, and when they ask "why didn't my mom keep me?"
Carolyn

[jaenelle]

I wish I had such a treasure from Yuna's birthmom. We have a stuffed bear that her birthmom sent with her when Yuna was released into foster care from the hospital, and one photo of Yuna's birthmom -- that's it. I SO wish we had more contact, but she doesn't want it so we have to respect her wishes. You're very lucky to have this.

[kaoly16]

I just talked to my agency today, and asked them how I could send a letter back to my son's birth mom. They told me that the agency in Korea could keep the letter on file until she comes and inquires about him or forward it to her if they have her address. I am not ready to have direct contact with the birth mom, I feel like like it should my son's choice to find her when he is old enough and if that's what he wants. I was holding my tears when I was reading the letters, but at the end I did get quite emotional as I knew how hard it must have been for her to give him up.

I saw a Korean documentary about international adoption, and I was touched by the birth moms when they expressed the love they have to their children knowing that they could not keep them for more than a few hours or days sometimes.

Thanks for your feedback. I will cherish those letters because it will mean so much to my son when he is old enough to understand. I was so happy that birh mom stated so many times how much she loves him, but had to give him up because she knew that she could not care or provide to him and wanted him to have a better life.

Blessing to you all!

[hopeful2adopt]

Hi Caroline,

I also received letters from the birth mother to both my husband and I and to Sam. Ours were written after his birth. I am so thankful to have them for Sam for his future, but like you, I'm not sure exactly when we will give them to him. I'm thinking he will let us know when he's ready. In the meanwhile, I made several copies of them and sealed them and gave them to three relatives to hold on to just in case something happens to our copies. I thought I would mention that to you because someone gave me this idea and I thought better safe than sorry as this may be the only communication he has from his birth mother. Best wishes to you whenever you choose to share yours.

[kaoly16]

Thanks Sharon for this advice. That's a great idea! My husband just told me last night to make copies, just in case if we lose the originals. Now that you say that, I am definitively going to make some copies and put it in the big safe that my in-law's have. Just in case if the house burned down, we will still have the letters. Just kidding.

Yes, I will wait until Daniel is old enough and starts asking questions about his birth mom, then I will know that he is ready

[mdaisyq]

What an awesome gift. Just a little bit of advice - you may not want to wait until he starts to ask about his birth mother, which may not happen, or may happen later in years than you now think it would. Every child is different.

Maybe think about it, when your child is old enough to read, which can also be sometimes the same age they start to want to ask questions, but may not. Just a thought.

[kaoly16]

Hello Melissa,

Thanks for your advice. I am still not sure how or when to tell him about the letter, I guess I will know when the time comes.

I am planning to adopt another little boy from Korea this year, and a little girl from China in the next few years. What kind of advice can you give me? I always wanted to adopt from China, and I switched to Korea because of the wait, but I hope that my third child will come from China. Was it hard to switch country? what did you find more difficult when you adopted from China. You could p.m. me if you want. I will be curious to know the reasons why you switch country also. Thanks.

[Isabo]

Originally Posted by kaoly16

I just talked to my agency today, and asked them how I could send a letter back to my son's birth mom. They told me that the agency in Korea could keep the letter on file until she comes and inquires about him or forward it to her if they have her address. I am not ready to have direct contact with the birth mom, I feel like like it should my son's choice to find her when he is old enough and if that's what he wants. I was holding my tears when I was reading the letters, but at the end I did get quite emotional as I knew how hard it must have been for her to give him up.

Kaoly16,
May I ask you what your concerns are about having direct contact with your son's first mother? She clearly cares for him, and it would be very compassionate for you to provide her with updates about him. If you wait until your son is ready, it may be very difficult or impossible to contact her. I relinquished my son in the closed adoption system, and I did not know if my son was alive or dead for almost 20 years. It was very damaging to me AND to my son. We both hurt and are struggling to heal from damage caused by not knowing anything about each as the years went by (other than the initial information given). He has shared with me that he looked for me in every woman he saw. You have a wonderful opportunity here. I am wondering why you don't want to take it? Your son could grow up knowing about his other family and having answers to his questions, and his first mother can have some peace and a lessening of her grief. I hope you change your mind and your fears are eased.

[teachamy]

I wanted to thank Isabo for her post. A birthmother's perspective is always valuable to we adoptive moms. I did want to add, however, that the social structure in Korea is very different from what it is here in the U.S., and while many of us want to have contact with our children's birthmothers, there are circumstances where that may not be possible. In fact, the Korean agencies often discourage our direct contact by censoring the information we send. I think updating the birthmom through the agency is a very good idea though, because she made the greatest sacrifice any woman could ever make, and someday she may want to hear from her child directly. I plan to write letters and send (more) pictures to the agency in the hopes that my son's teenage birthmom will seek them out when she is ready.

Amy

[kaoly16]

Well,

Even though I feel like I am not ready to have direct contact with the birth mom, as you said that feeling might change later. I don't mind sharing updates with her through our agencies. I have been told that I could write to her and the agency could give her the letters once she inquires about our son. I intend to write to her and even send her pictures. At this point, I don't even know if she wants a relationship with us since it was a closed adoption and the letters were also written before our son was born.

I thank you for sharing your experience and perspective with me as a birth mom.