[cara620]

I am posting I guess because I have very few people in my life that "get" why we are adopting..and adopting internationally. And I am hoping you all may be able to help me come to terms with this fact.

When we started this process, and started telling people about it..they were all pretty interested (except my mom) and they all asked great questions and I thought I made myself pretty clear about why we are adopting and why we chose Korea over other options. And they gave me all the indications that they understood. But now as time has gone on the same questions keep coming up from the same people. "Are you sure you want to start all over again with a baby?"..."Why not adopt domesticlly?".."you have a boy and a girl why do you want another?" And I don't really mind telling people about what we are doing and why..I just hate trying to "convince" my family. My friends seem to be the most understanding and excited for us...but our family is constantly questioning us. And general non-support..the other day..(my mil lives with us so she has to have fingerprints too) I had to take my mil to get her fingerprints taken for the 3rd time...and at the last minute she wanted to try to change the appointment...and then constantly complained about having to do it now and why can't we wait until after Christmas and why dose she have to do it over and over again. I just try to keep my mouth shut and say these are just things we have to do. But why can't she understand that I want my baby and if they told me that I and my family need to spend the night on our heads..I would do it. And I would do it the day they told me too.

I try to be open with them, with out hurting thier feelings. I have an online adoption journal so they can get more insight into what is going on and how we are feeling about it. I don't really think there is much more I can do..but I guess it would be nice to know if any of you have run in to the same issue in your family.

[proudmommyof 2]

For these reasons, we actually didn't tell anyone that we were adopting Dennis until we were leaving for our pick-up trip. With Tommy, we told everyone, because they wouldn't dare question adopting from Russia. You really didn't have that option though.

Maybe the thing to do now is to stop trying to convince other people. If they ask why you'd want to start over again, ask, "Would you ask that question if I were pregnant? This is no less of a chance I'd back out of this adoption than if I were." To "Why not adopt domestically?", Try, "Doesn't every child deserve a home?" If they are not trying to be sensitive with you, don't waste your energy trying to convince them. Hopefully, their questions will be answered when they see the love that your new little one brings to your family.

[adoptkoreablog]

I don't think people always realize how hurtful their comments are. They don't see the big picture. I'd hate to give advice without knowing your family and the best way to handle them. I just wanted to let you know that I understand.

[cara620]

Thanks Mo. I know no one can really give me advice. I just wanted to see if anyone else has ever had the same kinds of issue with thier family. And to see if they ended up changing thier tune once the baby came home or if they were still having issues even afterward (like proudmommyof2 was saying). And how you finally accept that some people just will never understand. And how you end up being okay with important people in your life not "getting it".

But it looks like from the lack of replies that I am probably one of the few in this boat.

[specialk4b]

Cara, I had exactly the same experience. When first sharing with my MIL that we planned to adopt, all we got was questions - why don't you just get pregnant? why not adopt domestically? You know your baby won't look like you. I was devastated. It completely took the wind out of my sails. Some people got it, others just didn't.

You're certainly not alone. My friend from the China board calls them "joystompers."

We too, started an adoption blog to try to share our experience and our thoughts about it. I don't know who's reading it, but I feel like I've given them the opportunity to understand better. They will have to put forth some effort, I guess.

[Joyful1]

Cara,
My friend and I have both adopted our children from Korea and we "joke" that the only way anyone really understands adoption is to go through it themselves. Even though we explained every detail of the process to our families - they can't appreciate the importance of every detail that brings your child home. Even with a biological child or domestic adoption, you are not guaranteed a child "who will look like you". I am a biological child who looks NOTHING like my parents - people THOUGHT I was adopted!

I know it's hard to hear comments like that especially from family. I hope it all works out for you.

[hopeful2adopt]

Cara...you are definitely not alone. When sharing that my husband and I wanted to adopt, I defintely got the impression from one of our good friends that adoption was second best. She also conveyed to me that only biological children bond with their parents. It hurt at the time, but quite frankly, I really feel worse for her than I do for myself because she is not open to one of the most wonderful ways you can build a family. She's missing out with her very narrow view, not me. She is also more ignorant than I can even imagine a person being regarding adoption. When people disappoint me regarding this, I just try to remind myself that some people in my life have some shortcomings that are more a reflection on them than it is on anything I am doing or have done. As long as I am clear with my motivation to adopt and how happy it makes me than nothing else matters. Hope this helps.

[hscvt95]

You are not alone in this. We had a rummage sale to help raise money for our adoption. This woman came and was looking at EVERYTHING....very nice..talkative..UNTIL, we got on the subject of adoption. I told her we were adopting from South Korea and she immediately said "OH??".."Why would you do that? Don't you know there are many babies here in the UNITED STATES that needs homes? Why would you bring yet another foreigner into this country?" That is when I decided she needed to leave? I didn't feel that I needed to tell her anymore.

As for family, my father in law and his wife (is my husbands' step-mom) were never really interested in anything to do with our adoption while we were in the process. They could have cared less. If we brought it up, they would change the subject. It wasn't until DH had a falling out with his sister (because of the same kind of attitude) that they came around (she talks to them ALOT)...but it seemed fake to me. Well we had them at the airport with us (along with all the other grandparents) when Cole came home. They seemed so very happy at the time..although I still felt it was fake. Well it was about 2 weeks after he came home. My DH had gone back to work and I was talking to the step-mom on the phone. She asked how Cole was doing. I told her fine but when it was he and I here during the day he wants me to hold him all the time. Her reply was "I sure hope Mike doesn't feel slighted by that" I couldn't believe she said that. Then she proceeded to tell me how they were in the store the other day and there was a newborn there...and how it started to cry...all they could think of was what my DH missed out on not being able to have gone through that with Cole (I have a daughter from a previous marriage and Cole came home at 12 months of age)

They have more of the mentality that this is only DH's child and how HE had missed out on so much because we adopted and had an "older" child (not newborn)...UUGGHHHHH........that made me so mad. So I just go with the flow now. I don't do conversations with them and keep my distance as much as possible. We have taken Cole over there a couple of times..(we live in a different city..about an hour away)...but they don't make an effort so neither do we! That's my feeling.

Don't worry about what others think. You are DH know why you are adopting and that's all that matters. You are parents REGARDLESS of it was by adoption or birth.

[tinkerbell11599]

I'm sorry that you're going through this. We sweated it out with some of my dh's extended family members (grandpa was in WWII in the pacific theater and dh's uncle served in Korea during the war). They were fine once they saw our son.

We also had issues when we told one of dh's grandmothers about us adopting. She told me in front of the family that "oh my friend down the street had tried for years and after they went on a waiting list...once on that list she got pregnant right away". I stopped that one in its tracks...I'm physically not able to get pregnant without MAJOR help.

Over the Thanksgiving Day weekend, I had two different conversations about adoption. One was with a friend of dh's family and they asked similar questions (why did you adopt from Korea? why not africa or Eastern Europe or South America?? why didn't you adopt domestically?? How much does it cost to adopt domestically? From Korea?)...the questions started out innocent enough but in the end, they were questioning why Korea. I was digusted by this and left the room.

The second conversation was a much more pleasant one with dh's 3rd cousin and his girlfriend. They were genuinely interestd in adoption and our adoption story.

I found some people were interested in our adoption story and others who just don't understand adoption and/or adopting from Korea at all. Unless they have been in our place, they may not completely understand our decisions.

Jen

[cara620]

Thanks so much for all of your feedback. It is nice to know that I am not the only one dealing with this issue.

[adoptkoreablog]

I just want to agree that you're not alone. I hear about this a lot. Listen to the people who experienced it and then make your own decisions. I can't imagine how tough it must be to have one of the "problems" living with you. This is why I like these forums - everyone gets to share and learn.

[ajcastle]

DH and I are just starting our adoption journey but those that we have told seem very uninterested at this point. It kind of hurts because you want them to be as excited as you are about bringing another child into your home. But unless they are the ones doing it they won't understand. We have held off telling any extended family for this very reason. I know of a few who will most DEFINITELY question our decision and tell us it isn't a good idea. Those people will be told after we have a referral at least. I told my mom up front that I didn't want to hear any contradictory statements and so far she has been pretty good about it. Sometimes she will make comments that sort of convey that she doesn't agree with our decision but nothing that is direct. DH and I live across the country from all our extended family so I am not all that concerned with how they will react.

[Andi72]

I hope you don't mind me chiming in, but I completely understand how you feel. My family supports me, some what. I thought they were excited for us, my DH and had tried for so long. I get semi-rude comments, some I think are not meant the way they are said, others are flat out ignorant. My brother said "I don't know why anyone would want to spend XX$'s to get a kid" This was the same brother who spent what we are paying for our daughter, to go on a bear hunt in Alaska. My other brother can't seem to understand why I am not in the Christmas spirit this year, when I said "because I want my daughter home" He said "You're actually upset over this?" And the remark that sent me leaving my parents house, "Hmm, what kind of crap does China have on sale this week" From my brother while looking at the Sunday ads. So yes, I do understand what you are saying. From now, I am not going to discuss anything about our adoption with my family. I am sad about this, but I am finding I have more support with my adoption friends. Good luck with your journey! Hugs to you!!

[kimmom]

Just yesterday I was faced with "that really pisses me off!" I told my friend, at her baby shower, and one of her friends that we were considering international adoption. The friend of a friend who is a social worker said "You know that really pisses me off. There are plenty of kids here that need homes I see them everyday! People like Madonna and Angelina Jolie make me sick adopting from other countries!" Then later another co-worker politely said "I just don't agree with that when there are children here that need homes." Okay maybe I would consider the point a foster parent was trying to make, but if I am doing something good dont't tell me how to do it, when you are doing nothing at all!!! How about the point that American foster children are not dying from diarreah, or they aren't institutionalized as infants. Why does it seem so crazy to love a baby you haven't met, pregnant women do it all of the time? I have other children like so many of you, I see my babies and think "there is room for more and I know that they are waiting for me." How can I deny children just because I didn't pump my genetic material into them, what makes one child so much less than others? Does the town you're born in matter? Is it the state? The country....continent? Where is this circle of worth??? I know where my heart is and when I have my child in my arms NO ONE can tell me that he/she is not mine!

[Carlee1boy]

A while back, someone on this forum posted a really good response.

When someone goes on and on about "Why are you adopting internationally when there are so many kids here in AMERICA who need homes?

Simply smile and say, "I think it's wonderful that you are so worried about the children. How far along are YOU in the adoption process so that you can save them??

Catty? Yes. But if they feel they have the right to jump into your personal business and flaunt their prejudices, then they deserve it.

Carolyn