[Schwally]

OMG! I soooo love this comeback. Thanks for sharing it!!!!

As far as being catty, I don't care if I'm being catty at all if I'm talking to an idiot.

[kimmom]

I like that one too. It was my thought, but I didn't vocalize it. That's the perfect way, I'm going to start using it!!

[Synesthesia]

I haven't even told my relatives about my intentions to adopt when I am mature and stable and married.
The way I see it, it's my business. I can't even start the process and I'm already doing research, reading a ton of books and just thinking about parenting all the time and the challenges I might face and wondering if I will be a good parent and not take my anger out on the kids and things like that that just frustrate me.
I am leaning towards adopting from China in the future, but I also want to consider domestic adoption. From my research, it seems the domestic process is a bit more difficult because of the rights of the biological parents and all of that, stuff I thought had been resolved ages ago.
People have no right to make those sort of comments. They cannot understand the thought, the decision making and effort that goes into this. The way I see it all these children here and abroad needs homes and for people to open their hearts to them is a beautiful wonderful thing and they should be praised for it and not cut down...
Also, is it odd to feel so much love for a child that hasn't even been born yet? I don't think it is... Please do not be hurt by such statements made in ignorance...

[razberry]

Cara,
I have the same difficulty with my mother. When I told her we were adopting, she asked the same ignorant questions. When we received our assignment, we were so excited and my husband and I went to their home to tell them the great news in person. When I prefaced with "We have good news," you know what my mother said? "You're pregnant!" It was such a downer.

When Benjamin arrived and my mother spent time with him, she fell in love.

Now, we are adopting another son from Korea and just received our assignment along with pictures. My mother is so indifferent again! I thought she would be thrilled for us but we only got a response (weeks later) that our new son looks fatter than Benjamin.

It really hurts (still) but I realize it is her problem that she cannot come to terms with our building our family through adoption.

Rosemary

[jkovick]

You are most definately not alone. We had someone recently ask us "Why on earth would you go all the way to Korea for a kid?" My husband turned, looked at the person like they had a screw loose and calmly said "Becaues that is where our son is!" (He said it in a way that sounded like he should say "DUH!!!!" after it) I was so proud of him. Needless to say that ended the person's questioning.

[Synesthesia]

That is a cool answer ^^

[cara620]

Just as an update,

I went to my Kindergartener's winter party at school a week or so ago and I was able to carry on a couple of conversations with 2 other adoptive parents. When I left I just thougt "wow". It was so nice to talk to people that totally get it! They get it even more than I do. They have those little faces as reminders everyday. This feeling also reminds me of why we are sharing the fact that we are adopting with family, friends and sometimes just people we meet. Yes it is a gamble, will they ask crazy questions and try to pull us down? Or will they be supportive and encourage us? You never know how it will turn out. But I think just like adopion..it is worth the risk to me. And you never know, maybe we will be the one to touch the person (usually in our family) that dosn't get it. So ya I think it is worth the risk to me. Wow, again. It is so great to be part of a community that "get's it". Thank you all so much, for helping me work this all out. This is exactly what I was hoping would happen when I started the thread. It has also inspired me to look for a group for adoptive/adopting parents in our area. I think if we all stick together we can help each other deal with those people in our lives that just don't "get it".

Thanks so much.

[Abbylu]

You have no idea how nice it is to find we are not alone with less than supportive family.


It astounds me that these people, feel they have the right much less the audacity to pose such rude and hurtful questions to us. I took an extremely firm stance with my family. This is OUR choice, not theirs. Our children mean more to us than they do. If they can not accept our child, then they are not welcome in my home.

My dh and I are currently the proud parents of 3 bio children, 2 boys and 1 beautiful daughter with spina bifida.


My mil actually asked us this question.
"What if, when you get the baby home, there is something wrong with it?"

WHAAA??? "It"?? It's my baby, what do you think I am going to do with "it". I am going to find every resource available to me and every doctor that is needed to care for whatever could possibly be wrong.
What kind of mother do these people think I am?
DH and I have been married for 10 years, I would think that they know me better than that.


What I find the hardest to combat is my grandparents. They are in their 80's and set in their ways. Grandma asked me just last week , "will the baby be white?".
GROAN. While I don't want to deny my grandparents their great-grandchildren, I also will not stand for any preferential treatment. I will not allow our adopted daughter to be shunned or shirked in anyway shape or form. I often wonder if this is too harsh. But really, what kind of parent would I be if I let such things happen. As it stands, I seriously doubt they will still be here to see this newest addition, but I can't predict the future.

I have many thoughts about why people don't adopt in the US. Many which aren't nice. When we decided to adopt, I called 3 different domestic agencies. I was told that I would never be chosen by a birth-family. Why you ask? Because I already had children of my own.
The children in other countries less developed than our own, in my opinion, are in greater need of adoption than those in the states.


In fact, to naysayers...Until you have walked a mile in my shoes...please stay out of them.



I think I have ranted enough.
For those who read all of that, God Bless you.!

[NaturalizedCT]

Originally Posted by Abbylu

I have many thoughts about why people don't adopt in the US. Many which aren't nice. When we decided to adopt, I called 3 different domestic agencies. I was told that I would never be chosen by a birth-family. Why you ask? Because I already had children of my own.
The children in other countries less developed than our own, in my opinion, are in greater need of adoption than those in the states.

Birth families have many potential apdotive parents to chose from. I can thing of a couple of reasons they might prefer an infertile couple. Most likely they are worried that a couple with bio children might favor them over the adopted child. Alternatively they may feel it is "fairer" to give their child to a couple who has none. According to a survey I read about the general attitude in this country is that having bio children is better than adopting and adopting is better than living child free. That would suggest that infertile couples are expected to adopt and fertile couples are expected not to.

As for those who ask why not adopt one of the many children here in the U.S., the answer should be what children? The legally adoptable children in foster care are not infants, they are often much older children. Adopting an older sibling group is very different from adopting an infant or new born. Not everyone feels up to it.

There are some AA newborns who do not get adopted in the U.S., they are adopted by foreign nationals instead. Ironic perhaps but the newborns and infants do all seem to find homes.