[teachamy]

I've been thinking about the woman who is currently carrying my child in her womb. Having,myself, lost a biological baby when she was only 4 days old, my heart literally aches for this woman (or girl) and the situation that is forcing her to give up her baby. While I am awed by her sacrifice, I know in most circumstances her hand was forced by the realities of the confucianist system and the systematic oppression of women. Does anyone know of any way that we, the grateful recipients of the Korean adoption system, can work to improve the situation of women in Korea?

Your thoughts would be much appreciated...
Amy

[ahfdragonfly]

Amy, that is a thoughtful & beautiful post.

First, let me say how sorry I am that you lost your daughter. I can't even begin to imagine you pain, you must be a very strong person. I hope her spirit is at peace.

Secondly, I don't know what we can do for the women in Korea. I know that they are working to improve in-counrty adoption, but it will take a long time to change what has been in place for so long.

I have considered, and probably will at some point, some sort of gift or donation to Eastern. I would like to let them know somehow, how deeply grateful I am to have recieved such a prescious gift. I think of CJ's birthmother everyday, & wish that there was someway I could let her know that her biggest sacrifice, was the most wonderful thing that has happened to Mike & I. I pray that she can find some peace & that she may feel some sort of "cosmic hug" everytime I hug the daughter that she gave to me. The one I call "my daughter". Maybe an open letter "to the birthmother" expressing my thoughts & appreciation, I don't know if their social workers would let prospective b-moms see it. Let them know ahead of time, that their child will be loved.

I don't know. I guess my reply is kinda off topic from your question, sorry about that. It's just that I think about it alot.

Millie

[teachamy]

Millie,
Thanks for your reply. Perhaps we could consider compiling open-letters to birth moms from adoptive moms into a book to be shared with Korean birth-moms. It reminds me of the book, "I wish For You A Beautiful Life", a book of letters from Korean birth moms to their birth children. Wouldn't it be wonderful to know that our children's birth moms hear our appreciation? I love the idea! I'll do some research on these possibilities...

[ahfdragonfly]

That sounds cool! I wonder how it would go over in Korea? I bet it would at least be cathartic (is that the word I'm looking for?) for us to write it. I've often thought of doing a letter, a book would have much more impact.

Millie

[teachamy]

YES!YES! To be honest, I know it is a touchy subject in Korea, but I say we dare to do it for the birthmoms!

[sarajean]

Count me in, too! I would love to contribute!!

This is eerie, Amy/Millie...I just wrote a post in my blog about H's birthmom this am, talking about how much I think of her every single day. I got goose bumps reading through this thread tonight.

[ahfdragonfly]

That's kinda creepy.....great minds think alike, right?

[mo9398]

FYI - Most agencies will allow you to write letters to the birthparents to be put in the file at the agency. That way if the birthparent ever asks - it's there. Some babies are coming with letters from their birthparents.

[nancyinoh]

First, I"m sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine the pain that you feel.

I know that the situation isn't ideal in Korea, but are you sure that we, as Americans, have a right to suggest that they need to change? Look at our own county! It's a mess! The cultural changes and things that society has been willing to accept in the last 30-40 years or so have not helped our country.
Now that single motherhood is so widely accepted, it isn't just for the young lady who has an unplanned pregnancy. Teens are trying to get pregnant so they can have someone to love. Teens that aren't even able to care for themselves!!
I just read in the paper this week about a woman who had identical triplets. She is unattached and already had 5 other children. THe father of the triplets is "a friend". How the heck is this woman going to do it??

As a result of these and other changes, the traditional family is now a minority. Yes, there are some awesome and wonderful single parents, but geez, what a horribly difficult job they have!

So, yes, it would be great if Korea embraced adoption within their own country to a greater degree. But, perhaps we're not the ones who should be telling them how to set their values as a country.

Nancy

[ahfdragonfly]

Nancy,

I absolutly agree with you, you have some great points. Our system is so far from perfect, it really is scary. I guess my feeling is to let birth mothers & prospective birth mothers everywhere, especially in Korea, know how much we treasure the children that they carry for 9 months & will think about forever. They suffer in so many ways, and we will create our families from their loss. I want to let them know how grateful & indebted to them I / we are. This woman I have never met, has given me the greatest gift in the world. How could I begin to thank her? To thank every one involved in bringing my child home?

Sorry, I'm rambling on.
Milie

[hopeful2adopt]

Hi All,

I'm still finishing up the paperwork for my adoption. Part of it is a book for the birth mother that will be on file in Korea if she ever wants to look at it. I haven't gotten the requirements for it yet, but I assume it will have pictures of myself, my husband, etc. I will include a thank-you for the greatest gift of my life. Don't know if you all had to do something like this or maybe it's a new requirement, but I think it's quite nice.

Sharon

[nancyinoh]

Adoption is full of such a mixture of pain and joy. I think that the birthfamily, foster family, adoptee, and adoptive families all feel a mix of joy and pain.
I, too, am highly honored to be able to parent our boys. I always feel such a mix of emotions when they say, "I love you, Mom!" Happy, of course, for them, and for myself, but I always have that twinge in my heart when I think about that beautiful birthmother who won't be called "mom" by the boys they gave birth to.

Nancy

[teachamy]

Nancy,
Don't get me wrong. I am not speaking as an ethnocentric westerner, blind to the problems that America is obviously experiencing, and I'm not trying to preach my liberal views while imposing them on a country and customs I could never fully understand. Rather, I am speaking as a mother. A mother who deeply loves a beautiful daughter that she lost. I am not promoting single parenthood, nor am I saying that it can't be done.

When I wrote of my future child's birth-mom, I was thinking about her predicament in its entirety. The fact that she may be unwed, poor, unsupported, ostricized. I was trying to feel what she must be feeling, not as a Korean, but as a WOMAN! To enter into adoption without considering the system that allows us to be parents is pointless, whether we adopt domestically or internationally. Knowing I can write to the foster mom, and perhaps write a letter that may one day reach the birthmom provides hope for me.
Amy

[sarajean]

Amy,
I'm so glad you responded, and your response was perfect.

I knew what you meant on your first post, and I'd still like to pursue the collection of letters if you're up for it. I think it's a wonderful idea. I also plan to send letters and photos to be placed in Harry's file at Eastern, in case his birthmom ever looks...I would hate for her to look and find nothing. I think of her every day and I feel connected to her in a way I can't describe, other than to say it is powerful.

Thinking of you, and your daughter.
-Sara

[teachamy]

Thanks, Sara-- I'd been away from this page for a number of days, and when I came back I was very upset that I had not responded sooner to that post. So thanks for filling in for me while I was away! And thanks for renewing my desire to compile Dear Birthmom letters.


My story is a long one, I guess, but in brief, my husband and I decided to adopt our first child. I have had diabetes since childhood, and I had been working for 2+ years to develop the PERFECT control pregnancy required. I was nearly there, but I didn't want to take any risks. So we started the process for "Kid #1", and then found out we were newly pregnant with Tess. We were overjoyed, and put adoption plans on hold. From that point on, my control was outstanding. Tess was just the impetus my doctors and I needed to get my control perfect, and it was. (And still is, thanks to Tess.) Very sadly, in the 7th month of my pregnancy, I developed a very severe form of pre-eclampsia, called HELLP syndrome. Tess was born weighing 2 lbs, 10 oz. She had a 90% chance of survival, and it seemed like an unbelievably cruel joke that she was the one-in-ten that didn't make it. Today, I try to be thankful for the gifts, she has given me--perfect health, a beautiful pregnancy--which I know evades a lot of people, and a deep understanding of the loss that Korean birthmoms must feel. She and her brother/sister are my motivation. I just wanted to share that with you and the other moms here.
Amy