[Dee1234]

Hi everyone,
My husband and I are currently waiting in the domestic program. We have been discussing other options in case our wait becomes too long. One of the programs we are considering is Korea. I would love to hear from others who have adopted from Korea.

My husband has some concerns that raising an Asian child will constantly remind him that the child was adopted. I believe that we could love the child as our own despite racial differences. In your experience, is it difficult to raise a child who looks much different than you? Or does that fear go away once you begin to love and bond with the baby?

Thanks in advance for your thoughts!

-Dee

[lynnor]

Race is an issue you will need to think long and hard about. How diverse is your community? Are you willing to help preserve some aspects of the childs ethnic heritage (celebrate holidays maybe with some ethnic foods, culture camps, etc)? How open is your family to race? Can you be prepared to handle race issues (comments from strangers, bigotry from others your child will have to deal with, etc.). My husband and I thought about all this and decided we were pretty open to race, but weren't sure about AA (although after doing a Korean adoption, feel a bit more comfortable with race issues, so may be more willing to consider AA later).

One SW tells her families considering race to ask themselves "could you ever see yourself marrying someone of that racial heritage?" If the answer is "no", then you shouldn't adopt a child of that race.

We live in a diverse community in a larger city and our family has been very supportive of everything.

[lynnor]

To answer your question more directly (and can vary from person to person), at first when we met our son we thought "Korean". That lasted all of about 10 seconds. Since then we look at him and only think of him as "our son".

Another thought - and I don't know what you've specified for domestic adoptions - since you are toying with the idea of international, you must be open to an older infant. Have you tried specifying in your domestic search infant 0-10 months (or thereabouts)? Seems like avg age for infants coming home from Korea is 6-8 months.

[Dee1234]

We have actually specified a child age 0-4 years in our domestic search. Our agency deals primarily with birthmothers looking to place infants, so it is not very likely that they will have an older child available. We have searched the state Web sites for children in our age range, but rarely find younger kids.

[lisah]

I would definitely think long and hard about the race issue, if there is one. Even if you feel comfortable, but your husband really feels like this will be a constant reminder and problem b/c of that, I wouldn't go international, at least Asian. That feeling for him may go away, but I wouldn't start until it does.

I had that feeling years ago before we started the process, but a year or so before we started I didn't really care and I now I see other races and SOOOO beautiful. I don't think any differently of my daughter than my bio sons and never have. When someone asks who she is, I just say this is my daughter Kaelin.

They will realize the differences on their own and soon enough and that will be enough for these kids to deal with.

I'm not saying you shouldn't go for it, but definitely search inside yourselves and your feeling and give it time to be sure.

Lisa

[mair]

Dee,

As the mother of four adopted children and one biological child, I can assure that love transcends all racial barriers. I do not look at any of my adopted children (two from Korea and two from Guatemala) and see a child of a different race or from a different country. I see MY child, whom I love every bit as much as I love my biological child. In fact, at times I forget I did not give birth to him or her. I can also assure you that children from Korea are bright and beautiful and an absolute joy. This has been not only my experience but that of many adoptive parents of children from other countries.

Mary

[OHKIMI]

Hi Dee,

I just read your original posts and the responses that followed. I too was very open to interracial adoptions. I think that we as the adoptive parents would have no problem loving the child as our own but in reading some of the posts on the forum for Adoptees from Korea, I began to see how the child might feel growing up. It is so difficult growing up these days and add that to being adopted and having to answer so many questions daily can lead to alot of self-doubt in a child.

Those were just my thoughts but I'm only in the researching phase of the pursuit of adoption and there are so many questions to ask myself........I just thought I'd share my thoughts ...

Best of luck to you always

Kim

[autumny]

If race is a problem for your dh then maybe you should consider the program in Russia or Eastern Europe. It sounds liek it would be hard for him to adjust so it may be easier for him to think of an adopted child as his own if you adopted a Caucasian infant.

We are adopting fomr China but my husband is Asian so it will be a good fit for us. Dont be in too much of a hurry to adopt. Keep looking and only adopt the child that is right for your family.

Autumn

[Dakota44]

One of the stories I heard in one of our group meetings was about a family who adopted a baby domestically who was 100% Korean!

My husband really wanted domestic in the beginning, but I was too worried about the time the b-parents had to change their minds. Then, in one of our group meetings, a family came in with their adopted son (from Korea). My husband fell in love. He saw him and knew that it was nothing about race and all about love.

We don't kid ourselves that he won't run into issues as he grows up in our vanilla town. However, times are changing and being aware helps prepare for the "world". I also believe there are a lot of opportunities within adoption groups to help along the way.

[spaypets]

My husband has some concerns that raising an Asian child will constantly remind him that the child was adopted.

My response to that is, so? Your child will be adopted. You need to embrace that. "Forgetting" doesn't do the adoptee any good. While it can be equally troubling to make adoption the focus of family discussions all the time, it's also important to acknowledge it as a fact and to embrace it. It doesn't do any one any good to "pretend" that the child is biologically yours.

Now, if his concern is the fact that your family will instantly be outed as an adoptive family -- that's a concern that you need to think about. One look at our family (DD was born in India) and people know an awful lot. We are very distinctive, two fair skinned people with a lovely brown toddler. We have no privacy, people speak to us in public all the time, people recognize my daughter even if she's with a different parent than the one they usually see her with. Not everyone is cut out for that kind of attention. It's all positive, but it's a little like hanging out with a celebrity.