[WantingMoreKids]

Hi All,

I would love your insight. Have any of your children suffered long-term attachment issues? I would appreciate hearing your stories.

We have two children - our first was adopted domestically and he has been ours since he was 3 days old and our second we had biologically. We want to adopt more kids and are not sure if we want to do domestic or international. Both have their pros and cons. My biggest concern with international adoption are long-term attachment issues. We hope to adopt a child under 18 months old if we go the international route.

Any way - I would love to hear your stories.

Thank you in advance for your time!

Jess

[WantingMoreKids]

BTW - we are seriously thinking about Kaz if we go internationally. Thanks!

[blueprints]

You should definately be concerned, attachment issues are very common in children adopted from an orphanage especially if adopted after 8 months old and this is because it's about 9 months that a child starts to experience stranger anxiety. The length of time spent in the orphanage and the ratio of care givers to babies also adds to this. Any child in an orphanage is suffering from at the very least severe neglect. If you are considering this you need to educate yourself on what to expect. Attachment issues can last several years or a lifetime. Getting help as early as possible and knowing what to do when you bring your child home is so important. I have two children with attachment issues. Our son came home at 2 1/2 and our daughter at 3 1/2. After 5 years we are still in therapy every other week, 2 1/2 hour sessions. They were both diagnosed with severe reactive attachment disorder (RAD). Our daughter began healing after 2 years home, she is doing much better and has begun attaching. That doesn't mean she is not without issues, socially and emotionally she's behind, she has problems focusing and staying on task. She is in special needs program at school but they are working on mainstreaming her and she's doing well with lot of coaching and guidence throughout the day. With our son we have not had the same success. Although he was younger when he came home, he's not responding to the therapy as well. He's been home for 5 years, and he's still extremely RAD. He is also seeing a psychatrist because he needs medication to control his extreme anger and raging. Living with children with these issues is extremely draining. I would recommend that you read a book that is coming out this month that's very informative for anyone considering adopting a child that is likely to have attachment problems. It's written by one of our thearpists who has worked in this field for many many years. There are accounts from families that live with children with this disorder and will give you a good idea of exactly what it's like to adopt a child with these issues and what it does to the entire family.

The author is Arleta James and the book is called "Brothers and Sisters in Adoption"


I don't know if I'm allowed to post a webpage so if you want it let me know and I'll private message it to you. Or you could easily find it by doing a search on either Arleta James or "Brothers and Sisters in Adoption by Arleta James.

I don't want you to think I'm discouraging you from adopting, I am definately for adoption! I just think that you need to be aware of what you could be dealing with, how to best prepare for the new life that will be joining your family. Best wishes to all of you as you add to your family.

[kretzklan]

My children were not as young as you are hoping for - but I did want to jump in as well. There are many, many folks in the adoption community who like to say that attachment disorders (AD) are rare. To me rare would be less than 10% and I believe the number is MUCH higher. While age is one of the biggest factors, there are many other factors that play in. I was told numerous times that if a child had formed an attachment before (healthy or not - but firm) than they can re-form an attachment in an adoptive/forever family. In my experience that has not been true. Believe me when I say that I was ONE of those people. I didn't believe what others had to say - I swore that my children were healthy and thriving and I was blind. I had read all the books and still didn't get it.

Living this is hard. We also have a bio son and his life has been turned upside down with 2 AD siblings. We are in therapy every 2 weeks, starting to see new specialists for actual Dxs. There are meds and lots of work between us and the school. Can it be life-long - OH yes.

I don't know how much info you are really looking for - it can be scary to hear some of these stories. But, the special needs forum is chock full of AD parents - who adopted from all countries and all ages.

Good luck. I, too, am pro-adoption...but I'm more pro-knowledge. Just know what COULD happen and if you aren't ok with that...don't go on!

[hml1976]

I have two kids adopted from Kaz, they are 4 and 2 now, adopted at 9mths and 6mths. My daughter, who was 9mths didn't exactly have attachment disorder but issues, she took about a year to fully attach to me and DH, we worked hard at attachment techniques and it paid off.

She's 4 now and fully attached in every way. She is home from preschool sick and spent about 6hrs on my lap yesterday. She does struggle with some minor sensory issues but they don't impact her life and she's learned to mostly deal with them through a few OT sessions. She's very social and smart, she's reading at a first grade level in preschool and is very popular with her friends. She's also a diva with a difficult personality that I admire and find frustrating all at the same time

My 2yr old attached within a few days, I know many will find that hard to believe but at 6mths old he was so little and so dependent on us the difference in the age was really obvious. He is no different than any bio child that I know, although of course I don't have any. DS is a snuggle bug who loves his mommy and daddy and sister more than anything. He's easy going and super athletic for his age and circumstances. He was starting to crawl when we met him, walked at 10mths and ran at 11mths. Could something come up with him later? Sure, but I don't think it would be attachment related.

I agree with the PP that attachment issues are real and not unusual. Some are like my daughter and over time and hard work are fixable, some are more serious. But, I don't think my son is that unusual a case either, although it is difficult to adopt a 6-7mth old, we were very lucky.

[sak9645]

First off, remember that attachment disorders take many forms, and can range from very mild to very severe.

Severe attachment disorders -- the kinds where children fail to develop a conscience, fail to relate appropriately to parents, lie outrageously, manipulate people, throw the cat out the window, molest siblings, etc. -- are actually rare. We hear about them mainly because they are considered "newsworthy" by the media.

Children with these rare disorders often have to be placed in residential care, with 24 hour supervision, to prevent them from harming themselves or others, and therapy may or may not be successful. This is simply not the situation of most, or even many, children with attachment disorders, whether adopted or homegrown.

Many mild attachment disorders can be treated simply with love and time in a family. As an example, the child who has never experienced a lot of hugs and kisses may initially shrink away when a parent holds him/her tenderly, but will come to realize that hugs and kisses feel good and are a sign that the parent loves him/her. The child who has spent most of his babyhood in a crib, looking at the ceiling, may not know how to make eye contact, but the parent who plays mirror games with the child, feeds the child while looking at him/her, and so on, will soon be looking into the parent's eyes.

Children with moderate attachment disorders may need more than love and attention, but far less than residential placement. A good attachment therapist can work with both child and parent to promote attachment behaviors, and very good results can be expected in many cases. While it is true that moderately attachment disordered children can be very challenging to raise, and can tax a parent's emotional and financial resources, a lot of the children can go on to live productive lives and develop positive relationships.

Second, recognize that attachment disorders can occur in children of any age, but are most common in older children who have experienced multiple losses of parents or caregivers, or the sorts of abuse and neglect that teach them that adults cannot be trusted to protect and nurture them.

While you may see attachment disorders in homegrown children in loving families, or in families formed by newborn adoption -- we have a case in our family where an absolutely wonderful couple adopted a newborn, who grew up without a conscience and very manipulative, and later committed felonies involving defrauding people -- they are most likely to occur where bonds of trust between child and parent or caregiver are repeatedly broken or not allowed to develop.

The teen who spent her early life in a home with an alcoholic parent who beat her, and then was bounced around to six foster homes, is much more likely to have an attachment disorder than the 18 month old who was relinquished to an orphanage when her mother died, and adopted six months later by a loving family.

Third, remember that attachment disorder is often a convenient "catch-all" label for an adopted child who is experiencing emotional problems. Some children who are considered attachment disordered may actually have conditions such as clinical depression, bipolar disorder, ADHD, post traumatic stress syndrome, sensory issues, etc. They have been called attachment disordered mainly because they happened to be adopted. And they may fail to progress in therapy because the therapist employs a model of treatment that is suited to attachment disorder, but not to the condition they actually have, such as depression.

Attachment disorder may also coexist with other mental and emotional dysfunctions in a child. The issue may simply be one of resilience, in some children. Some children may endure years of abuse, neglect, and losses of caregivers, yet emerge reasonably healthy. Others may react to relatively mild stresses by becoming vulnerable to many physical and emotional problems. So it is not uncommon, for example, to find a child who has both attachment issues and depression. So it is often not clear, initially, when a child comes home and has behavioral issues, whether they result from the depression, the attachment disorder, or something else, such as drug or alcohol exposure prenatally.

And fourth, remember that Americans adopt over 20,000 children a year from overseas, and have been adopting internationally for decades. The vast majority of the children do extremely well, develop good relationships within their family, and go on to lead normal, productive lives. If they come home with some attachment issues, they are generally manageable by the average parent.

Go to any international adoption support group and, while you will certainly find parents talking about attachment disorders and other problems ranging from eczema to Hepatitis B to defiant behavior, you will also see dozens of parents with totally normal children. I went into adoption fairly well informed, and knew the risks, but I am blessed with the most healthy, balanced, attached, loving, intelligent child you can imagine.

Adopting does involve a leap of faith, and I will not delude you about that. There ARE risks, and they are very real. Besides attachment issues, one can wind up with a child with previously undiagnosed physical health problems, some of them severe. We have seen, for example, a number of children who turned out to have leukemia and other potentially life-threatening conditions. We may also not be able to recognize, on an early medical form, signs of worrisome conditions like fetal alcohol spectrum disorders, which can affect intellect and behavior significantly.

But as a Mom, I must tell you that, for me, adoption was a risk worth taking. My daughter has been home since 1997, and is now 13 years old. The challenges I face are those of any Mom of a teenager -- and the good news is that my daughter has always been extremely level-headed and reasonable, even in toddlerhood. I could not have become a Mom without the miracle of adoption, since I was 51, single, and minus my reproductive plumbing when I brought my daughter home. So I am very grateful that adoption is possible, and that China, my country of choice, entrusted me with a child.

Sharon

[angelkisses0102]

Jess~

You are very wise to educate yourself on attachment. I will say that attachment issues are not limited to IA...although it is not often talked about in domestic newborn adoptions...it still happens much, much more than talked about at places such as these. In fact bio babies can have AD/RAD as well.

We adopted twice from Russia...DD was 10 months old and in a hell-hole...a very, very poor region and she was hospitalized for two serious health issues...she was malnourished...lots of red flags for attachment issues. She was considered a high risk referral. However, she never looked back once we carried her out of that baby hospital...her attachment went seamlessly (having major live-saving surgery shortly after coming home most likely played a role in it...but we will never know for certain.) DD just melted into our little family of three. I can honestly say we never had any issues those first four plus years home. We did attachment parent and I stayed home with her for six months...which did help I am certain. Once she was home about 5 years we had some issues with trauma bubbling up to the surface and she was recently diagnosed with ADHD (very common in PI kids it seems.) Overall...we have had less issues with her than most bio parents have...my guess anyway.

When DD was 2.5 we brought home her baby brother from a great orphanage in Russia...he had a great social background...and he was listed as a low risk referral. He was just 8 months one day old when placed in my arms forever. I'll save the AD details (unless you want them) but the next year was a living hell, the year after a living nightmare, and then finally at about 30 months home DS decided that he could actually trust us and began to attach. It was very, very tough...but in the end, it was so worth it. As our pastor stated this weekend...no problems = no miracles. And DS is a living, breathing miracle. Although I should mention my 'low risk' referral also had some pretty serious issues besides the AD...he has nystagmus, moderate to severe sensory processing disorder, he was significantly developmentally delayed, he has a severe speech impairment, feeding/swallowing issues and is now in a high-functioning special needs kindergarten class (and keeping up with his typically developing peers...says the proud mommy!)

If we had the money...we would adopt again in a heartbeat...in fact we would adopt a child from disruption (typically they have attachment issues) if the right situation presented itself.

Two great websites that will help you make an educated decision are...

A4everFamily.org - HOME
Attach-China

The book list for parents at the first site is excellent!

Good luck...and all the best!

[lovestruck]

WE brought our daughter home from Kaz 19 months ago. She was just shy of nine months when we brought her home.

She has adjusted fabulously. However in saying that, I educated myself by reading as much as I could on attachment disorders and attachment parenting as well as paying close attention to the forums and learning as much as I could. I took it very seriously, because you never know what challenges you may face.

We have been very blessed that our daughter has not had any attachment issues, however, we also took steps to help form attachment from day one. I can definitely say that looking back I can see times that things could have gone very differently if we had not faithful to making attachment successful.

I do realize that there are many families who also worked to promote attachment and still ended up with AD issues.