[momo tx]

I am also going to be posting this on the Adopting Multiple Children simultaneously board, but I thought I'd post here, also, to get insight from you all.

I haven't read any books yet about attachment, but have gone through a few recently archived posts from the last few weeks or so. I sense that the experts in the literature are recommending that at least one parent stay at home with the child for 6 months before allowing other caregivers to care for the child. Admittedly, I am concerned as my husband and I plan to adopt two very young children from Kazakhstan (either two infants or an infant and a toddler - we currently have no children), but we also both work full time. Although I would love to stay home full time, that is not a realistic option right now. I plan to take leave under FMLA, but with the possibility of being in Kaz for 6-7 weeks, we are looking at me staying at home with the children for only an additional 4-5 weeks before going back to work. I would hate to think that being a two-income family might work against us. Maybe we're being too ambitious (for lack of a better word) in adopting two children? It's just that we would love to open our home and hearts to two children. I'm also curious as to how the single mothers are dealing with attachment issues or if they've had problems, esp. since they would have to go back to work eventually? Maybe I'm just thinking too hard about it or overanalyzing it?

Thanks in advance,
Maureen

[HH510]

I have the same question. I am a single parent and am trying to arrange a schedule so that I can take as much FMLA as I have left. But that's no 6 months.

My plan is to do my best. I am in the process of reading attachment literature. Fortunately, it appears that the care is so good in Kaz that severe attachment problems are rare. I am planning to adopt a 4 year old and 2 year old. I am hoping that having 2 will actually ultimately benefit the children, as crazy as it will be for me for a while. They are currently used to being around other children all the time and they will have each other to help the transition. But I will have to make special time for each.

I don't think there are any absolutes in this. I will try to follow the research as much as possible, and implement the recommendations--but I also have been in social sciences a long time and know that the current thinking on any subject is not always the favored position 10 years from now. There are some horror stories. But there are also many more wonderful outcomes.

[pjlanghals]

We adopted 2 children at one time in 2001. The kids were 9 m and 23 m at the time. We also had a 3.5 yr old bio son. I was and still am a SAHM. The transition for me, personally, was very difficult! I love routine and we had a very nice one set up for our older son; however, the routines we had with him no longer worked for a family with 3 children. It took many months to develop new routines and stick with them. On top of that, our 23 m old had moderate attachment issues (which have now resolved). I was running the kids back and forth to doctor's appts, developmental evaluations, etc. It was a very hard time for all of us.

With all that said... in time.... it got MUCH better! We learned to be a new family. We learned to all love and trust each other. Ten months after adopting our first 2 children, we returned to Kaz to adopt again. This time a 33 m old. His adjustment to our family was (dare I say!) VERY easy! By that time, I was used to parenting multiple children at once. We had good routines. I learned about attachment issues. I was completely prepared!

My best advice is to prepare for the worst and pray for the best! Read as much as you can about PI issues, attachment, etc. Prepare your home for your new family by baby proofing it now. You won't have time once they are home. While you are waiting to traveling, finish up all those little things around the house. Freeze some nutritious meals ahead of time. Find a pediatrician who knows about PI kids. Find reliable child care. Be realistic in your expectations of your children.

Best of luck to you both!
Pat

[dlbmcgill]

What was the transition like for your bio son? We too will have a 3ish son when we come home with 2 more kids, 3 and under. I'm curious to know how he coped while you were gone and how he dealt with having new siblings.

Thanks,
Debbie

[pjlanghals]

Hi Debbie!

Our bio son had minor adjustment issues. He was used to being an only child for 3.5 yrs. And as much as I hate to admit it - he was spoiled! Its so hard not to spoil them when there's only one! BTW, he's no longer spoiled! Ha!!

Anyway, we did way too much for him before we adopted. We were still getting him dressed in the mornings, putting on his shoes, putting away his coat, etc. He didn't have any chores. Basically, we only asked him to pick up his toys. So... we had to help him learn to be more independent. We taught him what to do and he learned to be a great big brother.

Before we adopted, we read "Seeds of Love" to help prepare him for us being gone. We talked about all the fun things he was going to do with his new siblings. He truly was excited about it! We enrolled him in preschool that year, so he was used to playing with other kids. When we were gone, he stayed with our parents and did really well. I missed him terribly, though!!! We called every 3-4 days and emailed often.

I cried the moment I saw him after being separated for 23 days. I was so happy to see him again!!! After coming home, we tried to spend as much time together as a new family. It was exhausting for me. I also tried to spend some alone time with my son as much as possible.

My son is now the oldest of 6 children. He is 7.5 yrs and a super big brother!! His siblings have learned from him and are also great older brothers and sister to our younger children.

Best wishes!
Pat