[sheila512]

I have an adopted child that happens to be from a Jewish birth mother. We are conservatives Jews, extremely proud of our heritage, but have never pressed our child about observances. We expected him to go along with our style without objection. From a very early age, he rejected all aspects of Judaism. He went to Hebrew School and hated it, even had a Bar Mitzvah and hated every minute of the preparation. He will no longer go into a synagogue and will not join the family for any family observances. He claims to be no religion and yet he is a very spiritual person. It is very hurtful to have this rejection, since Judaism is a big part of my life. He thinks anyone who is a slave to religion is crazy. I have tried to reason with him and show him that I am NOT a religions person,,but I am more of a secular Jew that will never reject my history or my ancestors. He stays away more and more, especially at all holiday times. Any suggestions....of course I give him 'space' but he is an adult now and it is very childlike.

[portlowski]

Hi Sheila,

I am in a different situation...I am a non-Jew raising a child with a Jewish birthmother. I am not a religious person but it is my hope my child will embrace his Jewish heritage. I grew up in a majority Jewish community and as a child I was fascinated by all things Jewish and was envious of the bond that Jews shared with one another and their heritage.

In my case, I went to church (not evangelical) and I spent most of my teenage years complaining about it and arguing with my Sunday school tecahers about why religion is "dumb". After a bout of athieism and even being a Wiccan (don't ask!) I have become interested in finding a church home again. As a child, my church provided a great sense of community and purpose.

I guess my post is all over the map here...but what I am trying to say is that over time it is possible that your son will want to feel that connection again. In fact, my best friend in highschool HATED Hebrew school so much that we were instructed to hold our breath when we drove by the synagogue. And guess what? Now at the age of 46 that friend has joined a synagoge for the first time since childhood. He wants to make sure his daughter is connected to her roots, and he found a community of like-minded people...a bunch of intellectual liberals with a traditional conservative service.

It may take time but you have sown the seeds.

[CRAZY_WOMAN]

I'm not sure there anything you can do,Except be the best mom or dad you can be,Since he's an adult.You can be there if he ask ? about religion or you can talk to him about it sometimes.

[yehudit]

Hello,
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I know that as a young adult lots of kids, especially Jewish kids, reject their heritage for a period of time. Could it be his form of rebellion?

As you say, he's an adult. All you can do is accept him for who he chooses to be and hope that one day he will appreciate the depth and beauty of Judaism.

Good luck,

[sheila512]

Thanks For Yo Ur Support. It Helps.

[portlowski]

I am wondering if it is possible that his rejection of Jewishness has anything to do with feelings about adoption? I know his birthfanily is Jewish as well, but do you think the whole issue of heritage brings up some emotions for him and he just doesn't want to deal with the whole issue? Just a thought...

[Bunnygirl]

It could be just a phase, or he might just always have a different view about organized religion than the rest of your family. My advice would be to keep inviting him to celebrations and let him know that you want him there as part of the family and that he doesn't need to participate in the religious aspect of the celebration if he doesn't feel comfortable. Emphasize that you love him and respect his beliefs, even though you may not understand them, but explain that your own beliefs are important to you also & that you don't want to get into a "who's right" discussion.

IMHO it's better that he questions things and comes to his own understanding of G-d, spirituality etc., in his own time and way, than just paying lip service to it while feeling empty or bitter inside.