[yehudit]

Hello,

I received the following in an email from one of the adoption advertising places we are using. We sent them 4 copies of our portfolio after a few exchanges with their staff. I've also read their paperwork and don't recall anything about this:

As you know most Hispanic culture is Catholic. As with any Jewish family we require you reveal your religion in your profile even through a subtle photo of comments about hannaukah. A few years ago we had a real ugly scene at a hospital when a mom found out the family was Jewish and would not get Santa and Christmas which are manys fondest memories. The birth mom felt really deceived and family was heartbroken when she would not place with them. Does your profile make this disclosure?

I responded that this information is in our homestudy and that we had an adoption professional approve our book before we had it printed. I asked what we could do now. She came back to me with this:

I’d like you to replace whatever number of books we have left that maybe includes a photo in front of a menorah and references celebrating hannakuh or something. Trust me if this blew up and you lost thousands in money already spent, you’d be sorry. Yes, more moms won’t pick you but the right one will eventually and full disclosure is better on the front end.

OK, maybe I'm reading into this, but I resent the implication that we are deliberately hiding our religion in order to get a baby faster. We aren't. We presented ourselves as honestly and "heartfelt-fully" as we could. We don't have many "holiday" pictures, at least not ones that might be obvious to a gentile. And they are not among our best pictures, so we didn't include them. It really didn't occur to us that we should explicitly say "anachnu yehudim," especially since it's in our homestudy and easily accessible to anyone who's interested. As you know, those books ain't cheap, and we just received a large order after sending them our remaining copies.

What do you guys think of this?
How can I respond in a professional and respectful way?

Thanks,

[BrandyHagz]

especially since it's in our homestudy and easily accessible to anyone who's interested.

Most agencies in the US do NOT allow women considering adoption to view or review the homestudy. This is intended to prove that your home is fit and is used mostly in legal/court matters.

Just something to consider. Religion is a really big part of some peoples lives...

[CaddoRose]

Just my two cents as I've never been in your boat:

So their assumption is that since you are Jewish that you are also a practicing Jew? What would they like from those who might be Jewish, but don't attend Synagog? I wonder if they ask Muslims, Buddhists or Atheists or Christians for that matter, to provide the same info in such a big way. Is there some way you could put an addendum into those books for them in such a way as to address their concern without making it such a big deal?

[HappyTwinsMom]

Our girls' birthmom wasn't give our home study to read. It was simply a legal document that the agency and the courts used. We did address our faith in our profile book, so any potential birthmoms would know what a significant part of our lives it was. If we were atheist, agnostic, Buddhist, Muslim, I would have revealed that.

As Brandy mentioned, religious affiliation is very important to a lot of people. Even a non-practicing Jew doesn't celebrate Christmas, right? If that's an issue for a birthmom, I can understand her not choosing a Jewish family.

I can see that on the surface this could be construed as discriminatory, but it's like anything else a birthmom wants for her child...be it a stay-at-home mom or a family with pets or anything else.

I'm so sorry that this is difficult for you, Yehudit. It sure doesn't seem fair, but I guess it is what it is. (And don't you HATE it when people say that? I do!)

(((hugs)))

[linda512]

I think if it's an issue for a birthmother, she should ask about it. If you made up all these books with the agency's blessing and now they are telling you to redo them, that's not right.

[Stormster]

As a Jew who attends Church and DOES celebrate Christmas (yep it's true!) I find it insulting that they would assume you are practicing. It's such a narrow minded view of Judaism.

Our situation is a bit different but I did not think just checking off a box would describe my religious beliefs so I chose "other" knowing that I would explain myself fully to anyone who called. (There was no agency, we did independent/agency assisted).

DH is 1/2 Christian 1/2 Catholic Atheist. There was no box for that either!

And to add to the confusion most of my family is Israeli and/or Orthodox and LDS! What a mish mosh!

I did not have the intention of converting DS, very unusual for a Jewish aparent but not easy to pop on a profile.

Personally I do think full religious disclosure is VERY VERY important but if I were you I'd write a one page description of your family ideology and religious practices and ask your agency to INCLUDE IT with your profile whenever they show it. You can even have them laminated.

That way you won't have to spend money all over again AND you get to describe your home life with something more than a picture of the family standing around the glowing Menorah as if anyone has a pic like that!!!

[bromanchik]

I think it is really important to discuss religion. For birthparents, it is a big part of the decision. How about a few lines about your religious beliefs and practices.

I actually know a number of Christian agencies that are really explicite about exploring adopting parent religious practices.

[yehudit]

I understand -- and agree -- that religion is very important. Then why not require everyone to discuss it? According to our communication, it sounds like only jewish families are required to discuss this. Just feeling a little singled out.

By the way, we came to an agreement that we are all comfortable with.

[loveajax]

Yehudit, I don't blame you for feeling singled out. I am a Catholic and I don't remember being asked to show our family under the Christmas tree or of me in my first Communion dress!

I don't think by not discussing religion in your profile, you are "misleading" anyone. We actually placed thru a Jewish agency and I think they work with a lot of Jewish couples (they do not "discriminate" against others; I get annoyed when I hear about Christian agencies that do that). Obviously, the agency has your background info that you are Jewish and if an e parent asked to only be shown to a "Christian" PAP, the agency could do that, no?

Anyway, I'm glad you came to an acceptable resolution!

[bromanchik]

I think it needs to be discussed by everyone. Please don't think I was singling out Jewish couples.

[yehudit]

No hard feeling broman . . I meant in communications with this agency, not with you

[Bonnie S.]

Let's face it. We Jews are in a minority. If it's not diclosed, it is assumed that you are of a Christian denomination. We put our religion in our portfolio that the birthparents read. We specifically said we would raise our child in the Jewish faith.

Our agency warned us from the beginning that being Jewish could mean a slightly longer wait. It was, but that's okay. And even though our son's birthmom is Christian, she was very cool with everything, even telling the nurses at the hospital to not have him circumcised because we would be having it done!

Full disclosure is important.

[JustPeachy]

I would think a description about your religious practices would be sufficient. Could this not be added to your already existing book? The request of a picture of you standing in front of a menorah seemed an odd request in an off-putting way (something about it feels like the SW was stereotyping you, but maybe that's not the right word. I can't exactly put my finger on it). I would feel just as put off if I were a potential adoptive parent and the SW told me to include a pic of me and my hubby in front of a christmas tree or a creche. Although we are Catholic, we don't always get a tree and really don't make that much of a "hoop-de-do" over Christmas, either from a religious standpoint, or in terms of decorating the house and doing the whole present thing. If an emom was looking for the whole blow out Christmas experience for her child, and/or a strong religious emphasis, she wouldn't pick us, either!

[HeidiK]

Single Jewish Momma here that successfully adopted two healthy little boys ( each as a newborn) . Religion was a discussion with each birthfamily and both knew I was Jewish. One had never met anyone Jewish before and was asked if I would raise him to love G*D...I assured her that would be the case. Since I worked with a Catholic Charities agency - they asked ALL families to disclose religion on the 1st page of our profiles

[Hadley2]

"As with any Jewish family...."

Absolutely discriminatory practice. No question of it to me. There is so much wrong packed into that one phrase, I am personally thoroughly disgusted by it.

If it is not important to this agency to "disclose" any religious preferences other than Judaism or other than anything that is not Christian, then there is something deeply wrong with this agency IMO.

Since I'm not involved in domestic infant adoption, this leaves me wondering if this agencies also asks any particular group not self-classifying as "non-Hispanic white" to "disclose" their race, culture, ethnic background and practices? Would that not be discriminatory to single out one group or set of groups?

Why are we even using words like "reveal" and "disclose"? These carry the connotation of "admit" as to an error or something wrong.

Let someone higher up in the organization know that their workers are discriminating on the basis of religion. It is in their interest to know this and put a stop to it before somebody takes greater offense and holds them accountable for it.

As for listing religious preferences generally, this is the kind of thing that doesn't always lend itself easily to "a few lines." If it is important to either party, it is one of those things that should be talked about in a full dialogue. It is not so simple to say "raised" this or that or "practicing" or "not practicing" when you are also possibly talking about personally diverse culture, heritage, traditions, experiences and beliefs, etc., not simply an unchanging set of traditions, intellectual beliefs or spiritual faiths.

I agree that if this is important to prospective birth or adoptive parents, it is their responsibility to ask. If they don't, how important could it be? I also would hope that prospective birth and adoptive parents understand that life and people change...literalist Christian or Orthodox Jew today could be Sikh tomorrow, you never know.

I guess I would say something like "we feel religion is too complex to be fairly covered in any meaningful way in a profile book. If asked, you can tell prospective birthparents that our background is [whatever generalized phrase you are comfortable with] and that we would be glad to talk about religion with them."

Then I would respectfully explain why "we" are not Christian and "they" are not Jewish--"we" are Americans of many different faiths and singling any one faith tradition or group of traditions out for "disclosure" is discriminatory. Suggesting that it can be done by way of a picture aimed at playing to stereotypes is less than culturally enlightened. I'm sure I could find pix of us at every kind of solstice time celebration of light--doesn't mean we are Jewish, Christian, Bhuddist, pagan, or AA.

So I would not throw out or deface something I invested so much thought, time, and money on. If the agency had specific requirements for your book, it should have told you before you signed on.

This note you received was both discriminatory and ignorantly written for someone who is supposed to be in the business of matching people. It was offensive, even more so for the subconscious nature of it than any deliberate attempt to insult. I don't blame you for being put off.