[FtWthHen]

We have just started pre-adoptive visits with an 11 year old boy this weekend. I converted to Judaism and my dh was born Jewish. My bio children from my previous marriage are Christian. We plan to rear our new son Jewish. Except he told us tonight he does not want to be Jewish, he wants to be Christian. He doesn't know what he likes about Christianity except "I would miss not celebrating Jesus' birthday." OMG, we don't want to talk him into being Jewish but we cannot rear a Christian son. But we also don't want to disrupt the placement - this child has already thanked us for adopting him, wants to know when it will be final and is really happy to be with us - "I waited a long time for you."

What in the world do we do?

[LibbyHawkins]

In my opinion, this Child is old enough to choose. It is hard for many people to articulate about religious preference, sometimes they "just are".

Did the agency you used know you wanted to raise a Jewsih child?

Perhaps if you feel that he is open to it, take him with you to services and other activities that will give him an idea of your faith, it is probably not a decision he can make in a short time, are you willing to adopt him and let him make the decision?

[jewishadoptionblog]

That's a really tough situation. It's part of the hard part of adopting older children as a Jewish family.

From my experience talking with other families who have gone through a similar situation (usually foster care) they gently lay down ground rules. In the house, we practice Judaism. If you keep kosher, let him know that you will have a kosher only house. But he is 11 - not 3 or 4 years old. He is old enough to be ingrained in his religion or ideas. There is a limit to what you can force upon him, and you certainly can't force him to convert.

But, you can raise him in a Jewish household with loving parents, and he will grow up with a positive image of Jews. To me, sometimes getting non Jews to have a positive image of us is even more important than adding one more to our numbers. Good luck, and keep us posted!

[FtWthHen]

I think it will all work out okay. I agree with you both that we can't force him to be Jewish or force a conversion. We don't want to convince him, but rather attract him to Judaism, with its history, beauty and traditions.

While 11 biologically, he is much younger developmentally (has been in foster care for the last two years, but they did not attend any church). Turns out he was taken to Mass a few times by his bio parents. However, he doesn't know the Lord's prayer, the Hail Mary, no prayers at all. He remembers the holy water on his forehead. The desire to be (Catholic, we discovered) is apparently more a loyalty to birth parents, than a conviction of his own. I think we can respect that connection while still gently explaining how we do it here.

One funny thing happened: I have a daughter the same age, in the Girl Scouts. Our new son expressed surprise. She replied, "Why? I am a girl!" He said he didn't know Jews could be Girls Scouts!" Thank goodness I was driving and he couldn't see my smile. "Jews do the same things as everyone else - you can't tell a person's religion by looking at them." (I didn't go into observant Muslims at this point!) "OH!" Wait until he finds out he is going camping with Jewish Boy Scouts this fall....

Thanks again for all your support and insights.

[ajrl]

I think things will be fine if you dont force anything on him. I do foster care, have a bio daughter and are waiting to adopt.

I have shown the foster care kids what Judaism is about. If they want to learn more later then let them. At 11 it is hard to break what bonds he thinks he might have w/ his xtianity. All you can do is share in Shabbat and celebrate the holidays and then show him that it's beautiful being Jewish.

Then let him decide. Even if he wanted to become Jewish you will still have a year or more depending on your beliefs for conversion and then a Bar Mitzvah. None of which are really on a time frame. So enjoy the time w/ him and let him learn.

AJ

[StorkWatcher]

Do your bio kids live with you? If you are no longer raising them as Christians, does someone else take them to a service? Maybe I misunderstood, but it sounded like they are not practicing Judaism right now. Maybe he doesn't want to be different than the other kids in the house.

That being said, I think it is great to expose him to another religion. He may someday find he's really intrigued by it and wants the chance to get to know more. I think you are right not to force a conversion right now.