[Andy abroad]

Hi all,

I'm an American jewish man married to a nominally christian (but strongly anti-religion), German woman. Any biological child of ours would not be jewish (we've been unable to have children), but I'd ideally like to have jewish children and raise them in my tradition. I know this sounds like a way to have my cake and eat it too, but does anyone know whether this can work? Does anyone have experience with this?

Thanks a lot!
Andy

[spaypets]

If you're asking if you can convert an adopted (or a biological one for that matter) child, the answer is, yes you can. It's relatively easy. We converted my daughter at age 20 months (she came home at 18). It involved having 3 learned Jews, a rabbi, a few blessings and a dip in the michvah (in our case our pond). For a boy, a bris would also be done. For more details consult your rabbi. BTW, many reform rabbis will count a child with one Jewish parent as Jewish, regardless of the mother's faith.

If you're asking if you can have a Jewish home when your wife is hostile to religion, there's no way for anyone to answer that. One of the challenges is that generally women are in charge of the home and so many of the traditions involve festive meals.

My DH isn't Jewish. But every Friday we light the Shabbat candles and do the blessings over wine and challah. My DH is a house husband, so he has gone the extra mile in preparing sabbath dinner.

We host our family Seder (I cook for that) and keep reasonably kosher during Pesach (and bless him, he goes along with that). We also host Rosh Hashana dinner and celebrate Chanukah. He doesn't go to Temple with us (except for fun stuff like Chanukah and Purim) but he's agreed to send DD to Hebrew School and Jewish camp. He recognizes the value and security in having family traditions and doesn't mind them being rooted in Judaism. He's even forgone the Xmas tree we used to put up when we were child free, because he knows it would muddy the waters.

He's even gone so far as to refuse to allow her to be photographed in a library promotional photo reading a Christmas book because he thought it was inappropriate.

So although he will never convert, he is supportive of raising DD Jewish and recognizes that she is.

If your wife is hostile to those sorts of things, I doubt you can raise Jewish children.

[BayShay]

Hello Andy. There are great educational sources that you would probably find very helpful. There are many knowledgable (and friendly) people who could help you work out your situation. Try the following outreach organizations: Aish HaTorah (aish.com), Partners In Torah (partnersintorah.org), Ohr Samayach (ohr.org). I come from a very limited educational Jewish background and found a wealth of information from these resources. All the best.

[Stormster]

Dear Andy, I am probably only a bit less Jewish than you are but given a different marriage might have been more religious. My DH is a very athiest anti-religion person, like your wife, because he grew up in England where is Mom is Church of England and his Dad a Catholic.
Now (follow me here!) My sister adopted a boy from Colombia 13 years ago and yes he did have his Barmitzvah this year. He was converted. It's kind of hilarious because he looks obviously South American (gorgeous to be sure) but is a very Jewish little boy. I always love that. Anyway, when I told my sister we were to adopt and convert the child she asked if we would be bringing the child up in a jewish home, as practicing Jews. Now I know my DH will never allow that, it just freaks him out and will drive us apart. Also, probably the child would not be bar/bat mitzvahed (nor baptized) DH just wants the child to celebrate holidays in a very un godlike manner.

So ( I don't have my baby yet) I am torn. My husband said let the child choose what he or she wants when appropriate. But the problem is for instance, you can easily convert to Judaism as a baby but it's harder later on. So my argument is convert the baby and then just live in a christmas/passover a la carte home....that way you are truly half mom and half dad (well that was my argument) and my DH said ok.

I'm just in the middle. I feel like it is Narcissitic of me to want my child to be seen as jewish when we won't be "practicing". I can't really even join a synagogue though my Husband has been and our local synagogue is extremely liberal.

And finally, this is all just food for thought....have you thought about how your wife will feel seeing you and your Jewish child practicing Judaism in the home? will she leave the room? Will she roll her eyes? Will the two of you go to Synagogue and have meaningful Jewish experiences while your wife is perhaps feeling left out or worse, resentful?

I worry about this for us....that is why I have phrased it the way I have. Looking forward to any thoughts on this.

Oh and by the way, my husband HAs agreed allow a boy to have a Bris....so that's something.

Thanks.
G.

[Shai's Mom]

DH and I are both Jewish. He is totally anti-religion and feels that religion is the root of all evil in the world.

I used to live a "Conserva-Dox" life style (conservative, drawn towards the orthodox). That was before I made Aliya (husband is Israeli - Sabra).

Our older son started to ask questions about G-d. So I am starting to teach him to pray and we read Bible stories. I explained to my husband that just because he himself doesn't need the "crutch" of religion to lean on, doesn't mean that the children won't need it. They will have their own burdens (as adoptive children) to deal with and anything that can help them, I'm all for it.

He saw my point.

In any case we do Kiddush on Shabbat fairly regularily and observe the Holidays.

In my opinion, it's important for children to have tradition and roots. Especially for adopted children, since they already will have to come to term with the realities of their adoption.

However, it's important that parents see eye-to-eye on these issues.

One more note: At the temple I used to attend, one woman was married to a Christian man. He left the religious education of the children entirely to her. During Christmas time they have a tree in the house. The mother always made it very clear to the children that this is not their holiday, that this is Daddy's holiday and they seemed to understand.

Both children are very firmly established in the Jewish faith/traditions despite the difference in the parent's religious beliefs.

It can be done but takes a lot of effort and consistency. You can not give mixed messages and need to stick to one religion. Imagine how confusing this would be for a child: No, Jesus is not the Moshiach, the Moshiach hasn't come yet and on the other hand, Jesus is the Moshiach.