[spaypets]

This really isn't an adoption question, more of a parenting one. I am a Jew who is married to a non-affiliated man who was raised a Catholic and whose parents continue to practice.

I am also the daughter of a woman, raised in a secular Protestant heritage home, who converted to Judaism when she married my father.

DH and I are raising our daughter (age 2), adopted from India, as a Jew and we maintain a Jewish (though not entirely kosher) home.

For those of you in mixed marriages, I'm curious as to how you navigate the December holidays? Now that you have children is it different ?

Until the arrival of our daughter, DH would put up an Xmas tree and we would hang stockings and exchange some gifts on Dec. 25. We also had bagels and lox on Dec. 25 and I give him an ornament on the first night of Chanukah. We did it primarily because he enjoyed it and it was sort of pretty to have decorations.

We're doing nothing Xmas related this year at home. Instead, this year we're visiting his family. I don't know that this will become the new December tradition. It was the tradition in my family to visit my mother's family over the December holidays and to open presents on Dec. 25 (I knew from a fairly young age that there was no such thing as Santa, however).

Despite this history, I'm suddenly less comfortable with even the secular trappings of Christmas. DH is fairly ok with this -- I should be clear I haven't banned a tree. I'm just thinking that maybe I'll leave it all up to him if we stay home.

Thoughts? Oh, and please, let's not judge how others navigate this time of year. I'd like ideas. Thanks.

[redhedded]

Our choice: I was raised Christian with all of the "trappings" of Christmas. Husband was raised Buddhist with no acknowledgement of Christmas. We are very funny about being "consumers," and generally spend most of our money on travel and future funds for retirement; therefore, NO holiday buying for anyone for us. As adults, with both families, we now celebrate no particular holiday but rather have a celebration of family - being together with elaborate usually ethnic food involved. Of our Jewish friends, two celebrate only Hanukkuh with no Christmas; one celebrates both.

[Xanny]

I am not in a mixed marriage, but was in several mixed relationships before, so I thought about this a lot.

It sounds to me like you were comfortable with the way you grew up. If your husband is comfortable with that, too, then that is what you should do. I think it is good for children to grow up in a religion, and since you have chosen to raise your child as a Jew, it is helpful to keep clear with her what it means to be a Jew. And Christmas isn't part of that. However, that does not mean that your in-laws need to be deprived of their grandchild at Christmas.

I'm sure that you talk to your daughter about other religions, especially at this time of year. You have talked about how you are dealing with her Indian culture, etc. It is fine to say to even a very young child that Grandma and Grandpa celebrate Christmas, so we go to help them celebrate their holiday at their house. Hopefully, you also include your in-laws in your Chanukah celebrations. Then you can talk about it like you would a wedding or a First Communion or any other religious celebration that you might be invited to. You can tell her about the traditions of Christmas (or have your in-laws do it--grandparents eat this stuff up :-) but keep it at the level of educating her and that when you care about someone you participate in their events, even if you don't believe in them.

It is much more confusing to a child if it's in your house. Then it becomes difficult to differentiate, and kids get confused about what religion they are.

That's just my $0.02, and like I said, I'm not dealing with it, but I have thought about it. But I went to lots of Christmas parties growing up, and I never got confused, because I knew we were helping our friends celebrate.

Good luck,

Xanny

[spaypets]

No problem Redhedded -- I actually thought of you when I was writing about mixed marriages -- not every mix is Jewish Christian. Your celebration sounds yummy!

Thanks for the ideas Xanny. As a matter of fact we're going to light the Chanukah candles at my inlaws. Ironically, DH is more concerned than I am about the celebration at his parents -- he's afraid they'd do something inappropriate (though I can't imagine what). I think he's worried I'll be upset by something -- I'm much more likely to get ticked off at his idiot sister who runs at the mouth than to get mad about Christmas. Actually, the only thing that was bugging me was that my MIL can't hold a candle to my grandma's cooking and the family is more likely to spend Christmas in sweats rather than dressing up! So we ordered a smoked turkey for dinner.

And we're carrying on the family tradition of bagels and smoked salmon on Christmas morning!

Anyone else have ways of navigating divergent traditions?

[npwhite]

I am adopted my father is a Rabbi and I married a Greek
Orthodox man...we have three children and raise them with both religons.. we do put up a tree and goto my in-laws for christmas dinner we also celebrate Chanuka. I beleive it's a personal preference as long as you and your husband don't have a problem with how you spend the holidays then it's the right way for all involved it all begins at home. Good luck to you and Happy holidays I hope you find peace within yourself whatever you choose.

npwhiteh

[luckymom]

It sounds wonderful what you are doing. I have a daughter from a previous relationship who's father is catholic and my now husband is Jewish. We do not have a tree or celebrate christmas in any way in our home. My daughter goes to visit her fathers family over the holidays and get all the christmas she can handle there. She likes the presents, but likes to make it clear to everyone that she is in fact Jewish and Hanukkah is her favorite holiday. I am however a little confused now that we are taking in foster children. Luckily this year our fc is only 4 month old and could probably care less. What if there is an older child next year - what sholuld we do then?

[npwhite]

Thanks luckymom

My suggestion for what to do if you have older foster children is ask what they have done every holiday season and tell them you would like to learn about their religion and would like to share yours with them fair is fair you wouldn't want someone to not acknowledge you for you...it all comes down to respect of each other. Before I had my first daughter Baptised I went to my father and asked him what I should do..his reply was I'd rather her be something than nothing and this made my life so much easier but it all came down to the fact my father has such respect for other religions. But after all is said and done I guess you'll cross that bridge if you come to it. Good luck!

Hi spaypets,

I have a friend that was born in Russia and is also jewish. She came to America about 15 years ago. She told me that due to the fact that they were not allowed to practice ANY religion when she was growing up, they would celebrate christmas in a very non religious way.....on new years day. They had trees, lights, and presents but without the religous overtones. To this day her family will celebrate in the same way. She also celebrates chaunaka.

[spaypets]

Dpen-
That sounds like the sort of thing we did when I was a kid at my grandparents. We also celebrated on Boxing Day (Dec. 26) by getting together with my cousins. It's a tradition that they still do, though since I have to go to my inlaws, we haven't been able to play.

Our family gets together with my parents for something we jokingly call Hanamas, which is an exchange of presents (my stepfather isn't Jewish, so mom now has a tree).

Luckymom -- DenverLiz is a Jewish foster mom -- she might have some ideas about how to handle raising fchildren of other faiths.

Npwhite -- wow, what a blessing that your rabbi father didn't have any problem with you raising your daughter as a Christian. Score one for family harmony!

[npwhite]

i must say i am blessed to have such a wonderful father