[Xanny]

Geeneyes--it sounds like maybe your problem had more to do with not being in Religious School (and paying into the Temple) than conversion. But I wasn't there, so I don't know. Our rabbi is really supportive. The rabbi who married us (congregation in Brooklyn, NY) is a lesbian adoptive parent, and she wrote one of the letters of recommendation for our homestudy.

There is a great book called Diaspora which is photographs of Jews from all over the world--black, white, red, yellow, blonde, redheaded, etc. etc. I'm going to get it so that our daughter knows there IS no "Jewish look."

Xanny

[twogreeneyes]

thanks once again for your help!

[schenbergjoan]

I read the "Funny, you don't look Jewish" entries with interest. My daughter was adopted from China @ age 21 months, and has just turned 10. We live in a large mid-western city with a lot of multi-cultural families, including in my daughter's elementary school. Two of her friends from school are also adoptees born in China.

Lately, she has commented that people stare when they see us together, and complains that people ask her how she is related to me. Her comment is, "Don't they hear me call you Mom?"

We discussed this, and figured out that at our reform synagogue, we don't get those stares. Either they are used to seeing us or are simply more open to ethnic variety than the general population. One of our rabbis is aunt to two Jewish-Chinese kids as her brother is married to a Chinese American woman who converted and is raising their kids Jewish.

I also got the question as to what religion I was going to raise my daughter in. My answer was of course, Jewish! The same religion I would be raising a biological child in! Why would it be different for an adopted child.

Joan

[nzd27]

Hi - I'm hoping the readers of this thread can give me some guidance: I'm 43 year old mother of a 3 year old boy (biological) -we're considering adopting our second child, considering both domestic and international (Chinese) adoption. I was raised a Reform Jew and feel strongly about my religion and heritage. My husband (not Jewish) is very supportive of this, and our son is Jewish (with an Italian last name). So my many questions include whether or not bringing an adopted child into a family with a biological child, especially if there are the additional identity issues of religion and possibly visible race differences (a Chinese Jewish girl with an Italian name?) is just asking too much for a child to handle.

Any thoughts? We have so much more love to give, and know we can love a non-biological child as much as our biological child, but will the child always feel resentment at living with such diversity within themselves?

Thanks in advance for your help!

[schenbergjoan]

I can't say for sure how your adoptive child would handle being Chinese and Jewish as each child is different. A close friend has a niece who is adopted, is of Hispanic background, with Jewish adoptive parents. She has problems with it. On the other hand, her younger brother, also adopted, is Hispanic and Israeli, and has no problems with it.

As I said, the Jewish congregations here in St. Louis are very open and accepting of members of differing ethnic backgrounds. We have children in the religious school from China, South America and who are African American, plus a few who have one Asian parent, one Jewish parent. We have not had any problems , or rather, our 10 year old Chinese daughter has not. She feels lucky that she was adopted and feels sorry for those who were not. We do emphasize to her that WE are also lucky to have gotten HER for a daughter.

In my opinion, the best thing to do is raise your child as you would raise your biological child, same religious upbringing, etc. Be open to any questions and discussions about your child's background and questions about being different.

We adopted our 10 year old daughter from China at age 22 months, and she is now going into her 2nd (Bet ) year of Hebrew. One of the rabbis in St. Louis assures me she will not be the first Chinese Bat Mitzvah in St. Louis.

On another thread, you mention you are considering both domestic and international adoption. Our experience with adoption in China was positive, would adopt from China if we had adopted a second child.

And as you mentioned, you will love your adoptive child as much as your biological child. My husband has a daughter in her 20s from a previous marriage and he did not feel differently about his adoptive daughter than he did about his biological daughter.

Feel free to ask any more questions- I don't mind answering as it is new territory for many of us.

[JadedSaint]

Wow! This is such a great thread! I enjoyed reading this all the way through and realize how I fit into this whole category. I was raised in the Jewish faith, with a very ethnic, give-away last name! (maiden name Cohen) Then married a man with no religious background but is Italian. My husband loves the Jewish holidays with my family. But, since we moved cross country, like the original poster, we are in a very rural, mainly Caucasian and non-Jewish area. The closest synagogue is about 30 miles away. We are open to adopting Hispanic or Caucasian children, and one of the first things I personally thought about is how I will incorporate some kind of religion to children who might have never even heard of Judaism! We don't even attend any house of worship, as everything was always celebrated through my parent's home. I guess more to think about during this process! Thanks for such a wonderful thread!

[spaypets]

My temple (which has only about 70 families) has so many families formed through adoption that we actually met to discuss challenges etc. I recall one woman who had adopted twice from China saying that her eldest daughter (who is very shy) felt the differences strongly -- first by being Chinese in a non-Chinese home, second by being Chinese in a rural state and finally by being Jewish is a rural state. They're younger daughter who is much more outgoing doesn't feel any of these struggles.

BTW, at our Purim party the girls came dressed like Chinese Princesses to be Queen Esther -- combining their culture and religion.

These days with so much intermarriage, it's common to find Jews with Italian, Irish and other last "unJewish" names (heck someone at my temple is named Christopher!). The irony is that my daughter, who has my Irish Catholic husband's last name has a surname that sounds way more Jewish than mine, thanks to his one German grandfather!

How any child handles being "different" really is a function of temperment. Now that my daughter is home, I suspect she will embrace Judiaism--she loves Shabbat dinner already!

[schenbergjoan]

We are lucky that St. Louis and the outlying area has a lot of multi-cultural families so it is not unusual to see a family with two caucasian parents and an Asian child. Usually when people ask my daughter about looking different from us, a simple response that she was born in China is sufficient. I also tell her that if someone questions her in a way that makes her feel uncomfortable, she has every right to say she would prefer not to discuss it. You will know what is going too far when you encounter it. We only had one incident where I felt someone was going to far in questioning. I was at the neighborhood swimming pool when a 10 year old girl was there with her family, who were Asian. She kept prying and asking my daughter questions. At the time, Julie was six years old. After awhile, I realized that I had enough. I told the girl quietly that I had already explained to her that we look different because Julie was born in China and adopted by us. I told her it was time to stop the questions and go on back to her family.

My daughter also dressed in a Chinese dress for a Purim carnival two years ago. We had been to our local Families With Children From China's Chinese New Year party the day before, and had gotten the dress then. She wore that to the Purim celebration. Our congregation has over 1000 families and a number of multi-ethnic families like ours.

Don't worry about the ethnic differences, etc. It all works out. Also keep in mind that children pick up new stuff very easily, and if your child is young, learning about being Jewish should not be a problem. There is a conversion procedure for converting the child to Judaism. Some synagogues require going to the Mikvah (ritual bath) and some don't. The rabbi who married and buried everyone in our family required us to do this. His reasoning was if our daughter wanted to marry someone who is conservative or orthodox, there would be no question as to whether she is officially Jewish.

Good luck in your adoption pursuit. If you consider China, would recommend it. They go out of their way to make things move along smoothly. If I had been able to adopt again, would have gone back there. As it is, I am too old for a second one and work full time, so one keeps my hands full.

[nzd27]

Thanks to all who wrote with advice. There's so much to think about, it can get a little overwhelming. One might argue that the safest route is for us to do nothing at all.... if we don't adopt, we won't have an adopted child who will be faced with all these identity issues. But it would be a shame to not adopt a child who will be so very loved on the chance that there might be some difficulty.

I suppose one of the things that frightens me is that I read posts on many sites from adoptees who do feel slighted or have self-esteem issues that seem insurmountable even with the love their adopted families, and I have to keep reminding myself that those who post will be a self-selecting group. Those who are not trying to work out these issues will not be spending a lot of time writing about their lack of problems on websites. No one writes to say, 'hi, here I am, and I'm very well adjusted....'

Once again, thanks for the support and ideas (I love the Chinese princess dresses for Purim. That's a great one!)

[Shai's Mom]

This is a really, really interesting subject..

I live in Israel. And anyone who ever travelled here will be hard-pressed to say who looks like a Jew.. You have such a hodge-podge of different ethnic groups, all Jewish..

Yemenites, Ethiopians, Russians, Indians, Sfaradim, Ashkenazim.. Different skin colors, different facial features, but all Jewish.

So, who looks Jewish anymore??

Shana Tova u'Metuka to all of you!!!

[Rhubarb]

I also live in a rural area, and I am converting to Judaism partly because it is so strongly white and Christian here. That was intentionally an overstatement. My father was a Holocast survivor, my mom is Irish. We were brought up without religion, but with a strong Jewish cultural identity. When I lived in a diverse multi-ethnic area (till 6 months ago), I felt less need to identify myself as Jewish. Now I want very much for my kids and me to strengthen that connection, to give them the gift of a several thousand year honorable history. I am in the process of adoption homestudy, for special needs, and I am completely open to transracial adoption. I think with us all being converts, new kids in the family would feel included. If they are older and come with a strong religion I would support that, but I look forward to sharing Jewish religion, culture and history with my kids.

[TheFoxx]

I noticed that all synagogues in my area are changing for the better. At my mother-in-law's synagogue there were all different races in the congregation. It really warmed my heart.

[schenbergjoan]

I think the Jewish community is becoming more multi-ethnic. My Chinese daughter is 11 1/2 now and in her third year of Hebrew (no more shlepping her there after this year, yes!), and her Bat Mitzvah will be in June of 2007.

I would strongly encourage carrying on the Jewish traditions and provide a Jewish education (religious school) for your adopted child just like you would with a biological child. We had our daughter converted shortly after returning from China with her.

Have you gotten your referral from Guatemala yet? Boy or girl?

[everandaday]

Originally Posted by nzd27

Hi - I'm hoping the readers of this thread can give me some guidance: I'm 43 year old mother of a 3 year old boy (biological) -we're considering adopting our second child, considering both domestic and international (Chinese) adoption. I was raised a Reform Jew and feel strongly about my religion and heritage. My husband (not Jewish) is very supportive of this, and our son is Jewish (with an Italian last name). So my many questions include whether or not bringing an adopted child into a family with a biological child, especially if there are the additional identity issues of religion and possibly visible race differences (a Chinese Jewish girl with an Italian name?) is just asking too much for a child to handle.

Any thoughts? We have so much more love to give, and know we can love a non-biological child as much as our biological child, but will the child always feel resentment at living with such diversity within themselves?

Thanks in advance for your help!

lol I know how you feel! my (jewish) birth son is half Dominican and has a hispanic last name. Right now he's 4 so I guess he doesn't really know he's unusual, but I'm hoping he will grow up seeing his unique-ness as something positive!

[schenbergjoan]

I can say that my Chinese daughter said she has less people "looking at us" at our synagogue than anywhere else. Also, our temple has a number of other adopted kids of different ethnic backgrounds, African-American, South American, Indian, and of course Chinese. They encourage that diversity.