[enmenc]

Hello,

My husband and I have one biological daughter who is 9. We stopped TTC through IUI/IVF two years ago due to lack of success with IUI and age issues. I am now 45.

I can't get having a second child out of my head! Therefore, I've begun researching adoption from Russia as an option for us.

Given the fact that accredidation (sp?) is an issue and we'd have a huge age spread between our children and the fact that our second child wouldn't be biologically related to us--not to mention the expense of it all--my DH and I are going round and round in circles about what to do.

We'd most likely consider adopting from Russia, because we are of Eastern European decent. We'd like to adopt a girl.

Have any of your adopted after secondary infertility? How have you all adjusted? How long did everything take from start to finish? Did your decision and the subsequent adoption of your child finally end the pain of not having a/another biological child? How did your families react to the news that you were considering adoption?

Have your Rabbis been helpful and supportive?

I know that my in-laws would be supportive. I doubt my family would be. Maybe they'd come around over time--but I've already heard things like you don't need that, and you don't know what you are getting, when mentioning adoption in passing.

Of course you don't know what you are getting when you are pregnant either. I have a learning disability and when I was first born my eye turned in, my neice has sensory integration issues, my best friend's son is slightly autistic. I wonder if they'd be able to attach themselves to the adopted child?

If you've adopted from Russia, have you faced issues related to fetal alcohol syndrome?

Any thoughts or suggestions you might have would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

Jessica

[TrixieBelden]

Our Rabbi actually has two adopted Russian children and FAS is a huge factor in both. They have struggled immensely. And the temple membership is now fairly aware of the issue. When we announced that we were adopting...a lot of people came to us and reminded us how hard it was for the Rabbi. It was a warning. They wanted us as a "new family" to know what we would be getting into... Well it's been a couple of years now of waiting on China and/or domestic and 3 failed matches....so they have stopped bothering us. If you would like to speak to our Rabbi, I can forward you the contact data. Just PM me.

Sincerely,
Trixie

[Shai's Mom]

Hi Jessica (that's my daughter's name, too!)

I am Miriam, currently living in Israel. I have one bio-daughter from my first marriage. I was very young when I got married (a bit over 18) and my daughter was born a year later. I didn't even "HAVE" to get married.

I had a difficult pregnancy and lots of bed-rest time. Later, I had two tubal pregnancies, 3 miscarriages, and even later, with my second husband helping me through, after 13 IVF cycles two more miscarriages. In other words, when it comes to fertility issues, I've been around the block a few times.

DH and I both had always wanted to adopt. When my daughter was a baby, I watched a program on older children needing homes and it touched my heart. He had a couple of friends that adopted and also had bio-children, and he had a friend in foster care, when he was growing up.

We planned on bio children as well as adopting. While I was going through the treatments, my older son, who is now going on 6 was placed with us. He came home at age 7 1/2 months. The little one came along after my last IVF treatment, when I finally decided that I had enough. I had my last miscarriage in April and he came home in September, in time for the High Holydays, all of 7 weeks old. He is 2 now.

My older son is of Russian origin, totally Ashkenazi in looks with medium blonde hair, fair skin and amazing blue eyes.

My younger son is Ethiopian/Iraqi and has a milk chocolate colored skin I could just eat him up. That coupled with big black eyes and beautiful curls..

There is a 21 year difference between my daughter and my older son, and 25 years between her and the baby.

We've never had any negative feedback from others. Maybe some ignorant, if well meaning questions when people try to figure out how we have a chocolate and a vanilla child.

Questions? Fire away!!! Either here or PM.

Hag Sameach!

May you have a Sweet New Year!

[enmenc]

Hi Trixie,

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you. I really appreciate that you told me your rabbi's story. That confirms for me that Russia is not the right place for us. Certainly I know, as I said, in my original note that all kids can have problems but the developmental issues associated with FAS would make me too nervous.

So, if we were to go ahead with this, it would have to possibly be China or domestic. I think the new regulations that China put in place might not make it possible -- especially due to age -- we'll both be 46 within the next 7 months.

I think I'm a little frightened of domestic adopting because I'd constantly be worrying that the mother would want her child back. I guess every parent thinks that way initially, though. Can I ask a dumb question? Can you request what your child might look like, ie. if the whole family has brown hair and brown eyes, can you say that you'd like a baby that has those characteristics?

I'm sorry to hear about the three failed matches and your long wait for China. I figured the wait would be about a year, but I didn't realize it would be longer. How frustrating this whole process must be for you. I hope that you get good news very soon in this new year.

Jessica

[linda512]

I can't answer all your questions, actually only one or two. But, i am a single jewish woman who adopted after primary infertility. My community has been supportive, my son was converted when he came home and i have heard nothing but positive things about him.
The pain of the infertility has faded greatly. I love my son more than I thought possible. Occasionally, when I hear about someone who is pregnang AGAIN, I feel a twinge, but not much.
I was worried about loving a child who was not biologically mine, about silly things- like would his drool and snot and poop gross me out. But none of that was an issue. I adopted from Guatemala, so can't address the Russia issue.
If you want another child, adoption is an amazing and wonderful thing. I want to stop people on the street and tell them how wonderful it is. About the age difference, many people have more of an age difference than they want.
Anyway, I just realized your post is little old, but here's my answer anyway. I didnt' read far enough!
Good luck!

[enmenc]

Hi Miriam,

Thank you so much for replying to my message. I sorry that it's taken me so long to get back to you as well.

I seem to go back and forth as to whether or not to adopt all the time. As I said to Trixie, I've now ruled out Russia due to the FAS issue.

I admire that you and your husband adopted two children who don't share similar characteristics. I'm not sure I'm as comfortable with that as you are, although I had thought seriously about China at one point. I just wasn't sure if being adopted, chinese and jewish and not resembling her adopted family in any way would be difficult for her later in life.

It was hard once again, to be at temple during Rosh Hashana and will be hard again at Yom Kippur. There were so many young children there at the family service and so many families with two or more children.

My daughter's religious school teacher was talking to us after services and when my daughter said she was an only child, she said that she was lucky because no one took her toys. I know she'd like to be a big sister though, even though at times she also says that it is nice that she doesn't have to share anything.

I'm so conflicted. I really can't decide what to do. During services I decided that I don't tell my husband enough what I REALLY want and need, soI'm going to say that emphatically adoption is what I want, but as soon as we left the temple I felt conflicted again. Part of it, I know, is the cost of it all.

Did you go through any emotional turmoil after you made the decision to adopt? Maybe it was slightly easier for you because you both wanted the same thing. My husband is fine with just having one.

I wish I knew how to decide one way or another. Anyway, thanks for reading this and if you have any thoughts I'd love to know them.

Jessica

[enmenc]

Linda,

Thanks so much for your reply. It helps as well. As I said in the other posts, it's taken me a while to get back as well. I think it's mainly because I'm so unsure of what I want to do. I wish my husband saw things the way I do.

It sounds like you have a wonderful son.

Congratulations.

Jessica

[Davidsmom17]

Hi,
I adopted my son domestically as a single parent. I can answer your question about looking similar. I think the reality is that if you want a child who will look like you you will either have a long wait or have to adopt a waiting child from foster care after you see a picture and foster adopting brings its own issues.
I adopted my son as a newborn knowing he would be a biracial jewish adopted child of a single mother...can anyone say therapy! But seriously, the conservative temple has been amazingly supportive, his jewish preschool teachers buy multicultural items out of their own money and so far his experiences have been good. I think you really need to decide if you can be a conspicuous(spelling?) family or not. If not, then maybe adoption is not the way to go because even if you match up with a birthmom who looks like you, genes are funny and you can't be assured of what the baby will look like.
Laurie
PS I was adopted as well and my parents were told my birthmom was blond haired, blue eyed, etc. So my darker complexion and hair came as a surprise and I spent my childhood answering why I looked so very different from my adoptive parents...but I wouldn't trade them for the world!

[Shai's Mom]

If your son every comes to Israel, he will be amazed. He wouldn't stand out at all. Jews come in all colors, ranging from Black to palest Ashkenazi white.

My older son is pure Ashkenazi with blue eyes, blonde hair and porcelaine skin. My younger son has cafe-au-lait skin, dark, dark eyes and near-black curls.