[LAO]

Does anyone have biological children & then decided to adopt? How did your family/friends react? Our friends have been very supportive, but our family doesn't understand "WHY?" and can't get past that. They don't see WHY we would adopt and "open ourselves up to such potential problems" when we don't have fertility issues & have 1 boy & 1 girl. They hasn't detered us, but we just don't want the adopted child to potentially but slighted from our other kids.

[musicmama]

Wow! This sounds just like what we are experiencing! We have 6 bio kids, and now we are adopting an infant who is due in Jan. Our friends are ecstatic for us, but our family is another matter.

My older half-brother (we have the same mom, but different dads) actually told us that we were opening ourselves and our children up to every demon that the birthmom and her partners have, and we just need to think of the family we already have! Boy, did that ever chap my hide!!! He also wondered if I was making my mother's mistake? My parents adopted from Korea in the mid-70's. My sister was 8 when she joined our family, and she has many, many, very severe problems (drug and alcohol abuse, promiscuity, multiple suicide attempts, diagnosed bi-polar, and on and on). Of course in my brother's opinion it was a mistake to adopt her. (He was married and had one child already at the time of her adoption, so he never bonded with her at all...he says that she is not his sister.) I am afraid of what his response will be to our new baby. If I sense any kind of animosity towards our baby, I may just be inclined to break off contact with him. I know he is dealing with his own adoption issues (my dad adopted him, and he says that dad never loved him as much as my other brother and me--what crap!) He was reunited with his birthfather after 45 years, and he has a lot of issues related to that. But even so, we cannot agree with him on this--we know that God has brought this baby across our path for a reason, we just have to trust that He wouldn't lead us to do something that would harm our family.

My father in law is not supportive, but has said that he will accept the baby as one of his own grandchildren. He is just thinking of how hard this will be financially.

Good luck in your adoption journey!

Musicmama

[Anita]

My mother-in-law is the one who called us "stupid" for adopting a child from Poland.

It is very painful, and I worry everyday if she will accept this child as one of the family.

Our birth daughter, who is five, is looking forward to the addition of a brother. She has asked many questions, and we have been as honest as we can be with a pre-schooler. I think our daughter is troubled by the fact that parents can leave there children. We have read many books to open up the lines of discussion.

Only time will tell how my mother-in-law will handle our new family member. I do know that if it is not with loving arms, there will be some difficult decisions to make. (I'll worry about that later!)

[blukeblickford6]

hi, i'm sorry you are having problems with you family in your decision to adopt a child. we have bio children and an adopted child. are you looking into domestic or international? have you tried involving the family in the research, maybe showing them some internet sites of all the abandoned children, explain to them that they are in orphanages in other countries, that you could give so much love to a desperately needed child, there are thousands of children without families of their own. there are possitives and negatives to both domestic and international adoption. but one plus to international adoption is that the chance of the birth parents reclaiming the child after adoption is pretty minimal. there are medical issues sometimes with foreign children, but there are so many drs out there today that can review videos, medicals, to make families more comfortable. physicals can be done before leaving the country. there are many ways to protect yourselves.

[crathke]

Your situation sounds so familiar! We have a 7-year old bio son and are adopting a (nearly) three year old from Guatemala. My family is thrilled; my sister asks frequently when "we" will have Aaron home for good!

My husband's parents, however, seem puzzled. When I told my mother-in-law we were "considering" adoption (in reality we were finished with our dossier and waiting for a referral) her response was "Really? From where?..I think I'm going to go put some shorts on; it seems to be getting a little warm." (fortunately, my husband's siblings made up for her lukewarm response).

What we've done is made sure that Grandma and Grandpa were included in the subsequent steps; once we got our referral and took pictures "back home" for them to see ("their new grandson"), their response was much more open and accepting. My husband says they acted the way they did because "it's our life and they don't want to interfere". (I have other theories that aren't quite so accomodating, I'm afraid)

Our son has been included in the process from the beginning and can't wait to have a "baby brother". So my advice to you would be to keep everyone as involved as you possibly can, walk through the process with them, and don't be discouraged! Sometimes I felt I was opening myself up for a letdown everytime I brought up the adoption, and it Was awkward at first--but I'd say in most cases, families can't resist new additions, regardless of the means of delivery! Best wishes--

[Hope4200]

We are a family that have 2 bio children and just adopted our little angel ..an energic 2 and half boy. Our bio children are so excited to finally have there little brother home with them. They have adjusted to the new little one and are very encouraging towards him. We always asked our 2 children for their imput with the whole adoption process..and where always included with any decisions we made. We have had a positive experience so far with our bio children excepting their new little brother..if you would like to email us privately ..please feel free.. God Bless!! We also are fortunate to have a wonderful support of family and Friends.

Truly blessed

[mullinam]

My husband had a lot of concerns when we adopted our first child from Colombia. When he would tell members of his family that we were thinking about doing it, it was almost in a cautious way--waiting for a backlash. The first person he told was his mother. The first thing out of her mouth was, "Thank God! This family needs some new blood!" This helped trememdously!

The one he feared most was his grandfather--old school from the deep South! He told his grandparents and explained to his grandfather that he was afraid he might not be receptive to it. His grandfather told him that was crazy and he never wanted it brought up again (the fact that he might not accept our child).

I never cared, honestly. This was my decision and she was going to be my child. I had no hesitation writing off someone who couldn't accept her--family member or not.

Good luck to you! I know that's a tough situation!

[VIO]

We have two boys 17 and 11 and in the process of adopting a little girl. We have not told my husband's family yet fearing ridicule. We want to wait till the paperwork is completely taken care of. But we told my parents and my father cannot understand it. He thinks that we are depriving a childless couple of this child. Well..there are millions of other children in the orphanage and they can adopt them. But my advise to you is if you are convinced of your decision, be strong in what you believe and shut them up by saying, this was a collective family decision and we are proud of it. Tell them it's up to them to accept or reject her when she comes. But she is going to be part of our family and we are happy to embrace her. Be strong. People are always going to talk but we have to go with our convictions. We prayed long and hard and we were convinced.

Originally posted by LAO
Does anyone have biological children & then decided to adopt? How did your family/friends react? Our friends have been very supportive, but our family doesn't understand "WHY?" and can't get past that. They don't see WHY we would adopt and "open ourselves up to such potential problems" when we don't have fertility issues & have 1 boy & 1 girl. They hasn't detered us, but we just don't want the adopted child to potentially but slighted from our other kids.

[denise marie]

I can sooo relate to that.I have 3 bio children and did an international adoption.My family did not understand at all.Now that our precious daughter is home they are sooo happy and lover her so much.i talked about the adoption process the whole way to my family.That seem to help.Also when it came time to picke her and my husband up at airport i included my family.It was love at first sight. my parents have bonded with her and so has my siblings.we are now working on adopting a 3 year old boy and my family is sooooo excited about it.My Husband and i and children followed our hearts and we are so glad we did she is so loved and a precious child.please dont let them discourage you. My family did but they are sorry for it now. They are so attached to her now.Not a day goes bye that my parents come by and see her.things always work out for the best and i am so happy we did.
PROUD MOMMA OF 4 BEAUTIFUL KIDS

[Leah@Mandala]

I'm in the same boat with 3 bio boys, had many foster children and now trying to adopt a girl internationally. My family is okay with it but my mother is concerned that she will "look different" than her brothers. Her husband has made it clear that he does not believe in adoption and our adopted children won't be recognized in his "will". I've been using comments similar to the above mentioned and am not making a big deal out of it. I have included my children in the general decision-making since the beginning and feel confident that we are doing the right thing for our family. I plan to take deep breaths and smile a lot when confronted with their statements. After all, I get comments from my family now about all kinds of things that are really none of their business, such as my first child's extreme growth in the last few months, eating habits, braces, etc. The old standby is to fall back on what the "experts" have to say, though I'm not sure how I'll apply that to adoption One step at a time!
Leah

[chaperelle]

hi all, i am new to this forum, and find it very informative.
My husband and I also have 3 bio sons and are looking into adopting a little sister to add to our family. When do you mention adoption to your families and when do you mention it to your children? I am not sure what either one of our families will think of our decision, but this is something we really want to do. If anyone has any advice on starting our adoption process and dealing with family members, please help.

[Leah@Mandala]

Welcome! For our family, we started talking about adoption first with our children and getting them involved. They were old enough to have discussions with but I've had other friends with younger children who started with reading children's books about adoption to their children. When we were ready to move on to the next step, I had a serious discussion with my sister who I thought would be the most supportive (and she was). I then started casually mentioning it to other family members (not so supportive) with mixed results. Some surprised me and were enthusiastic and asked more questions and others either didn't respond or started to question my sanity, i.e. "you have two kids (at the time I had only two), why would you want anymore?" That sort of let me know who needed a "little more work" to come around to the idea. Ultimately, my family decided that we were going ahead with it no matter what the reaction of extended family was. Since then, some have jumped on the band wagon and others have not. My mother-in-law, who was one of the people not being supportive, got enthusiastic when she met my friend's child who is Chinese. She fell in love with her and then felt she could give me her "seal of approval". For me, it's about personal choice. Hope this helps!
Leah

[crathke]

I don't think there can be any set guidelines as to when you tell family and friends about your adoption. It depends so much on the dynamics of each family. In our case, I told my mother and my sister while we were still in the "what if" phase, but I knew they'd be delighted. We included our son nearly that early as well--he's had us to himself for a long time, and if there were going to be issues with his having to "share" us, we wanted to get those worked out early on. Like Anita's daughter, he cannot comprehend why a Mommy wouldn't be able to raise her baby. That has led to some interesting discussions about "wants" and "needs" and what happens when even the "needs" can't be met. I still don't think he entirely understands, but I know it's given him something to think about. (At Christmas this year, he didn't groan when he got clothes as a present and told me later he didn't think that was "a good thing to do when some Mommies can't buy their kids clothes." Made me cry.)

We didn't tell my in-laws until we'd already finished the home study--partially because we wanted to tell them in person (they live in another state) and partially because we didn't know how they'd react. They are very definately from "another time" in many ways. Looking back, though, I feel as if we shortchanged them somehow--and underestimated them to boot! I learned at Christmas that my mother in law has been showing our new son's picture to anyone who will stand still long enough to take a look!

"Anybody who does not believe in miracles is not a realist" (David Ben-Gurion). (Our miracle will be coming home 1/16/2003--one year to the day of our first informational meeting with our agency!)

[travnate01]

I'm so sorry you're not receiving the support you need for your adoption. We let friends and family in on our decision early on in the process while we were paper chasing. We also sent out a letter with our CHristmas card which let everyone know what we were doing, why, the process and timeframe. We really bared our hearts and souls in that letter, revealing how we truly felt there was a little girl waiting for us in China (we ended up going to Vietnam to bring home our Joy though!) and asked for their understanding and support. Little anecdotes on how her waiting big brothers were excited to have a new sister were really effective as well. We got so many positive responses.
However, my favorite all time response to people who ask, "Why Vietnam?" is "Because my daughter was there!"
Best Wishes!
Mary