[anilorak13ska]

Dh and I have been pursuing independent domestic adoption for 16 months, with two failed matches. We've been licensed foster parents for 2 months with no placements. We've inquired/submitted our HS for at least 10 waiting kids in US foster care, one 4 yo little boy in particular we had our heart so set on, that it was devestating to find out we did not go to committee. I was already parenting him in my mind! We feel like we'll need to go ahead and sign with an agency here soon.

My question is - what made you all choose to go the international route instead of domestic?

I know there are pros and cons to both, as dh and I have weighed them ourselves initially. Initially we wanted to adopt a boy from El Savador (dh's native country) and a girl from Poland (my native country), but El Savador hasn't been active for years, and Poland seems to only have grade-school sibling groups available. So we didn't want to add a third culture to our family bc we want to maintain the two we already have, and pass on our native languages, etc. So we thought adopting an American child would be the way to go.

Still, I wonder if there's something else about international adoption that we're missing? We have no problem with open adoption, and in fact would love to stay in touch with our child's first family. I know that's frequently a pro for international for folks who aren't comfortable with openness. I know also that folks don't like the risk of first mothers changing their minds afterwards.

So, why did you choose to go international?

[Bunnygirl]

We chose IA for a few reasons, 1) we were older by the time we started our adoption journey & most agencies won't accept parents over 40 for domestic adoption, 2) we were uncomfortable with the idea of open adoption, 3) we were TERRIFIED of the idea of one of the birthparents changing his or her mind, or demanding contact visitation rights sometime down the road, and 4) we really didn't want a newborn (we'd lost a bio child in childbirth & were very worried about SIDS & how fragile newborns are, etc.) but 5) we also didn't want an "older" child. With IA we got a closed-adoption, no risk of the birthparents coming into the picture later on, and we knew that we would be getting a baby that was between 6-12 months old.

[journeytolily]

Just wanted to mention that it seems that El Salvador may be opening up again for adoptions. If you haven't checked in a while, you may want to, if you are still interested in it. I have heard that there are many countries now considering working with the US, since the Hague treaty went into effect.

[sugarandspice697]

DP and I did embryo donation/adoption because I wanted a healthy baby in a closed adoption. We were told by many agencies that healthy infants in closed adoption are somewhat rare - regardless of the race of the child. International adoption isn't really an option for same sex couples and I didn't feel comfortable misrepresenting my family. If we didn't have that barrier then I would've adopted internationally in a heartbeat!

[anilorak13ska]

Thanks for the feedback so far!

sugarandspice697 - I'd be interested to know more about your embryo adoption/donation experience. Who did you go with, was it successful on the first try, etc. Thanks!

journeytolily - thanks for the heads up about El Salvador. At this point not sure if I want to add more paperwork to my life (lol) or deal with USCIS again (I waited 15 years and had to apply 3 times before I finally got my citizenship 2 years ago! Serving in the Army didn't speed it up one bit, btw.) But I'll look into it.

[mlb]

Ww were terrified of a birthmother changing her mind and were not comfortable with open adoption. Our friends adopted from Russia and we felt a pull towards that. We also felt comfortable with our agency and the timelines were pretty defined. We were also open to travel, and our time spent in country was so special.
That said, Russia shut down before we traveled and we switched to Kazakhstan and adopted a beautiful 14 month old boy. Our second adoption was two years in the making (not the norm) and again we adopted another boy, this time 9 months old. Our older son has a birth sister that lives locally and we have a wonderful relationship with her and her family. That definitely changed our opinion on open adoption.
Which ever way you decide to adopt, be comfortable with it. Best of luck!

[SuzySSunshine]

The choice between domestic adoption and international is a very personal one. For us, predictability and stability were very high priorities. We did not want open adoption for our child and were very comfortable with a child of a different race. Also we were unsure about adoption an older child at the time so foster adoption did not seem like the best course for us.

If you're considering international adoption and are not able to adopt a child that shares your ancestry, I can tell you that learning about our child's culture and making it a part of our lives has been a tremendous experience. It has not been difficult and has added a lot to out lives.

[gadopt]

This is such a good question. . .and we've been asked this question quite a few times. People have reacted differently to the fact that we are adopting Internationally, but as SuzyS said, it's a very personal decision. DH and I knew we wanted to adopt, and it wasn't that we DIDN'T want to adopt domestically, we just felt called to adopt Internationally. DH is a minister and he feels that the body of Christ is diverse in many ways- including culturally and racially and he desires a family that reflects that belief. (Note: this is simply our belief- we don't expect others to believe this- this is not meant to be offensive, simply an honest representation of our personal choice to adopt Internationally). I grew up in a large metropolitan area and LOVE learning about other cultures- I have many family members in my generation who have married cross-culturally (Phillipine, Japanese, Chinese and Colombian specifically), and I love that we are going to be able to embrace another culture in our family. I, personally, have always wanted to adopt because I feel that there are SO many children out there who will never have a family, won't have chances for good education, love and a positive chance at life, so if I could help a child, I would be happy to bring a child into my life rather than another child into the world, therefore displacing the child that needed me. That may seem like very strange reasoning and I don't think it's the most articulate way to describe it, but again, it's hard to describe because it is so personal. I appreciate that you asked this question, because I've really enjoyed reading what everyone has said. I love the diverse and very candid feedback.

[anilorak13ska]

I am actually starting to think if we should reconsider international adoption.

We've had our baby foster daughter home for a week, and we don't feel that we're the best fit for a child this age (under age one). I for one desperately need uninterrupted sleep (I knew sleep would be an issue, but it wasn't until I've lived it and tried to maintain all my other obligations that I realized I cannot function properly without it). And the second thing is that we are not mind readers (lol). When Baby V cries, and we've tried everything, it drives us up the wall to try to make her happy.

Hungry? Thirsty? Wet? Tired? Cold? Hot? Overstimulated? Uncomfortable? WHAT???!!!

Being unable to satisfy her needs right when they happen is making me feel like a total parental nincompoop (no idea on the spelling!).

So we think adopting a 2 or 3 year old would actually work better for us. They're still small and need tons of affection. They still cry, but at least they can verbalize what they want. (We'd adopt from either Poland or a Latin country, so there'd be no language barrier for us as we're native speakers).

Thoughts? Am I crazy? Is this just a normal way to feel for any new parent, regardless of the age?

[ocracoke]

Karolina,

I am not in anyway trying to discourage you from international adoption (I adopted from Ethiopia) but ....

My daughter came home at 21 months - I am not a baby person either - and she has now been home from just over 3 years. Love of my life. However, I live in a constant state of sleep deprivation. She is just not a good sleeper. And she apparently needs much less sleep then I do. She did sleep through most of the night last night -- only up 2 times I think -- and then she woke me up at 6am to proudly tell me she had slept through the whole night. Great!! Just wish she didn't rise before my alarm clock goes off.

Good luck with your decision.
Samantha

Originally Posted by anilorak13ska

I am actually starting to think if we should reconsider international adoption.

We've had our baby foster daughter home for a week, and we don't feel that we're the best fit for a child this age (under age one). I for one desperately need uninterrupted sleep (I knew sleep would be an issue, but it wasn't until I've lived it and tried to maintain all my other obligations that I realized I cannot function properly without it). And the second thing is that we are not mind readers (lol). When Baby V cries, and we've tried everything, it drives us up the wall to try to make her happy.

Hungry? Thirsty? Wet? Tired? Cold? Hot? Overstimulated? Uncomfortable? WHAT???!!!

Being unable to satisfy her needs right when they happen is making me feel like a total parental nincompoop (no idea on the spelling!).

So we think adopting a 2 or 3 year old would actually work better for us. They're still small and need tons of affection. They still cry, but at least they can verbalize what they want. (We'd adopt from either Poland or a Latin country, so there'd be no language barrier for us as we're native speakers).

Thoughts? Am I crazy? Is this just a normal way to feel for any new parent, regardless of the age?

[momraine]

Some things to remember about international adoption:
The child will be afraid and greiving the loss of everything he or she knows. This means that it may take a while for them to sleep normally. Also, the child likely won't speak English. Even if if you learn some of thier langauge, you will likely find the child's speach delayed, even in his or her native toungue because of time in an orphange. Another thing is you will want to do extra research into thier culture and issues that come with older children and those from institutions.

That said here were my reasons.
1. I already had two children, so I felt like I should leave the babies to those who had none. Sounds silly, but that's what I was thinking. I also wanted to adopt children no one else wanted. So this took out domestic.
2. The first time I adopted, I contacted social services first, but they said I would have to be willing to take a child older than my bio children. Everything I had read said this was a bad idea, so I decided against it. The second time, I was in another state and could not get them to return my calls or answer my questions. So we again ended up going international.

[DPline]

Originally Posted by anilorak13ska

I am actually starting to think if we should reconsider international adoption.

We've had our baby foster daughter home for a week, and we don't feel that we're the best fit for a child this age (under age one). I for one desperately need uninterrupted sleep (I knew sleep would be an issue, but it wasn't until I've lived it and tried to maintain all my other obligations that I realized I cannot function properly without it). And the second thing is that we are not mind readers (lol). When Baby V cries, and we've tried everything, it drives us up the wall to try to make her happy.

Hungry? Thirsty? Wet? Tired? Cold? Hot? Overstimulated? Uncomfortable? WHAT???!!!

Being unable to satisfy her needs right when they happen is making me feel like a total parental nincompoop (no idea on the spelling!).

So we think adopting a 2 or 3 year old would actually work better for us. They're still small and need tons of affection. They still cry, but at least they can verbalize what they want. (We'd adopt from either Poland or a Latin country, so there'd be no language barrier for us as we're native speakers).

Thoughts? Am I crazy? Is this just a normal way to feel for any new parent, regardless of the age?

You are not crazy. Personally I think it is very normal. Keep in mind though that a week is hardly any time at all. I would bet with some time that you will be able to 'read' her better, and it won't be such a shot in the dark trying to figure out what is wrong. Not that there won't be times you don't know what is wrong (sometimes they just don't know themselves) but I would bet it will get better.

I do second what Ocracoke said also. I could count the number of full nights sleep I have had in the last 11 years on two hands. I have one child (bio) who doesn't need much sleep, and one child (adopted) who is just a crummy sleeper. No, it is not like with a baby where you are up several times a night for feedings, but there is no guarantee with a toddler or preschooler (or my kids age 5, 6, and 11) that you won't still be sleep deprived.

Also adopting an older child brings into play more potential attachment issues and possible developmental delays.

Not to discourage you! Every route to parenting, and parenting itself, has its challanges. Just pointing out some of the other side.

You may have already done this, but you might start taking a look at exactly which countries are currently open for international adoption. And then weed out any you don't qualify for. Then look at the ages of the children available, fees, required travel, etc. There are spanish speaking countries with open programs currently, but they are getting fewer and farther between. You might check out Colombia. I don't know anything about the program, but that board gets a decent amount of traffic.

Good luck with your decision!

[karla-k]

just an encouragement about adopting an infant: babies don't stay babies forever the needy dependent infant stage is very temporary.

I do understand not being a baby person, most parents can probably name an age their child has gone through that they didn't like or enjoy, but it is just a small piece of the child's whole life Personally, I have not enjoyed the 3-4 year told stage in my own kids, but I know that they won't be that age forever and I try to enjoy it as much as I can knowing that "this too shall pass."

[anilorak13ska]

Thanks again for all the feedback. If we were to do it over again, knowing what I know now, we would've given more thought to international adoption. But as it stands right now, we're going to stick it out with foster care and see what God has planned for us.

And Karla-K - excellent point, which I'm starting to realize for myself as well as we adjust to Baby V and realize that we would've gone through this no matter what, regardless of the age of the child, even if the child were born to us. So thanks for the reminder. It was a little disheartening when others heard us say this and didn't jump to defend us but agreed, "yeah, you're probably not meant to raise a baby." Something they would've never done had the baby been born to us!

[MenloAve]

Keep at it - bonding takes awhile for both you and the child. Moms/Dads are always exhausted for the first several months as you figure everything out. Don't assume because you are tired and you can't always figure out what the child wants you weren't meant to parent an infant. ALL (okay maybe ALMOST all) parents have transition issues.

AND as someone you even recommended you look at Poland I can tell you that you can't assume that a 2-3 yo will be able to communicate any more than an infant. Our 3.5 yo had only 10 words of Polish when we met and we had to teach her the concept of communicating. This wasn't about language skills, it was teaching her the reason for communication. It is and was exhausting. Screaming, no idea why, no ability to communicate, etc.

Good luck, keep at it