[chsinglefa]

I am a single male who has spent two frustrating years trying to adopt. Most agencies will not even talk to me. One agency accepted my application, but before I could begin a home study, the country with which it had been working closed up overnight to single males. (The agency refunded my application fee with its regrets.) A second country, previously single male friendly, has put its policies on hold, and my agency is concerned it may be closing up to single men altogether. None of these countries has even seen my home study, so these are not personal rejections.

I have taken parenting courses well beyond the Hague requirements. I have spent a lot of money making my home child friendly. I am quite wealthy, with live in 24/7 household help, nationally respected in my profession, no criminal record, heterosexual. I can offer children plenty of love, a good, stable home, security, and a future full of opportunity, including college and even graduate school educations. My only sins appear to be that I am "single" and "male." (I do have a girlfriend who is totally supportive of my dreams of adoption.)

Here are some disturbing statistics. According to UNICEF, approximately 10,000 children age out of the Russian orphan system without having been adopted. Within the first year, 5% commit suicide; 40% turn to drugs/alcohol; 40% of the boys turn to crime; and more than 50% of the girls are recruited into prostitution/pornography. The average life expectancy of a Russian orphan who ages out is not more than 23 years. (These figures have been confirmed by the Russsian government, as well as independent sources.)

UNICEF also estimates there are at least 250,000 orphans, not even in the Russian system, who are living homeless in the streets.

Russia does not allow single male adoptions.

Of course this problem isn't simply limited to Russia. I have similar studies regarding the 110 million orphans who live in other countries that prohibit single male adoptions.

My questions for the adoption community, particularly the policy makers, are these:

How are these children better off aging out into the streets and into early graves than being adopted by single males?

Why arbitrarily close off opportunities for them when there are so many single men, like myself, who really want to parent them?

Even though I have a doctorate, the answers to these questions are beyond my comprehension.

Does anyone have any answers?
Thank you
C.

[kretzklan]

Russian adoption is incredibly swayed by media attention. A few years ago a young girl's story came out that she had been prostituted for YEARS by her adoptive father. When Russian authorities hear these stories - it takes off. That man had not followed the rules as you have, but it ruins it for everyone. Other stories of deaths here is the US have dramatically slowed adoptions many times. It doesn't matter to them that it's the tiniest percentage where this happens. There are so many children also aging out of our own foster system everyday. Fost-adopt does allow single men to adopt and the children's ages at availability could still be close to Russia (since the children there are becoming older and older upon release for adoption). I don't know if you've looked into that option...but it sounds like a viable option for you.

[sak9645]

I know it seems hard to understand, but most of the people in charge of adoptions in the countries from which Americans adopt have never lived in the U.S., and don't understand the way American culture works.

In traditional societies around the world, there is a perception that men and women are very different in terms of what they can do, want to do, and should do. Women are perceived as nurturers -- the folks who want a monogamous marriage, want children, have children, and care for children.

Men are not "supposed" to be like that, in the thinking of many traditional cultures. Men are the ones who SUPPORT their wives and children by working outside the home, but they are not supposed to be the ones who raise children and love the business of raising children. They are not even expected to be faithful to their wives and families. While they may want a son to be their heir and take over their business, they are not expected to change his diapers, buy his clothing, oversee his schooling, arrange play dates, and so on.

As a result, when a male expresses an interest in raising a child as a single person, it's quite shocking. People question his masculinity; after all, a "real man" isn't supposed to do that, so he must be gay or effeminate. People also question his motives, and think that he must be some kind of a pedophile, interested in children for immoral reasons.

There are still a lot of people in the U.S. who have these points of view, whether or not they express them openly. The good news is that plenty of people in the U.S. do NOT share the opinion that there are men's roles and women's roles, and never the twain shall meet. Women are found in boardrooms, corporate offices, and athletic clubs. and men sometimes function as "house husbands", doing the cooking, cleaning, and child care. At the very least, certain chores are shared by both husband and wife.

As a result, it is possible -- though not necessarily easy -- for single men to adopt in the U.S. The laws permit it, in general. Agencies are often supportive, though there may be a tendency to give single males more scrutiny than single females. The biggest sticking point arises in situations where the birthmother gets to choose the adoptive parent(s); in many cases, she will not choose a single male, because she has never met a man who is a good single (or married) parent.

If you go to an African country, or an Asian country, or an Eastern European country, you'll find that the perceptions of men's and women's roles are not as they are in the U.S. Yes, there may be a lot of orphans; however, no one expects that single men would want to parent them or SHOULD want to parent them. And if a single male tries to adopt, he/she is going to be turned down, in most cases, because people will think, "What's WRONG with him?"

In some ways, it's like the experience of gay and lesbian people. In most foreign countries, gays and lesbians are assumed not to want to parent children, or even to have inappropriate motives for wanting to adopt. As a result, gays and lesbians are made ineligible for adoption, because of cultural perceptions.

International adoptions by single men DO occur, though they are rare. In general, they need to happen very quietly, and through the intervention of an American agency that is very well connected in the foreign country. And they are most likely to be successful when they involve the adoption of children who are past babyhood. In general, they are most likely to happen if a country does not have a specific law banning men from adopting, but simply bars them as a matter of usual practice.

My advice to you is that you look to the U.S. if you want to adopt as a single male heterosexual, or as a gay or lesbian. While the U.S. cannot be considered super welcoming to either single male heterosexuals or to homosexuals of either gender, people are likely to have much better luck going through the foster care system OR doing a private adoption, where they find a birthmother on their own who is comfortable with having her child raised in a "non-traditional" household.

Personally, I think single men can be great parents. But our culture is only just beginning to get its feet wet in terms of acceptance of single male parents. Most cultures outside of the English speaking world and Western Europe simply do not have a cultural context that makes such adoptions feasible. And cultural taboos die very slowly.

Sharon