[LEJ8]

I received a referral two days ago for a child that is a few years older than I had initially said I wanted to adopt. My social worker called me today and wanted to know what my answer was. Because I work full-time, I have not had time to speak to an IA doctor, but I did look over the paperwork. In addition, I have not had a chance to copy the dvd to show to my family and a doctor. They want my answer today. I told my sw I do not feel comfortable making a decision this quickly. She said that I have looked at a lot of children already---but I swear I have not! She is referring to a dvd I received from an agency that had waiting children on it, but I never did anything with the dvd, except share it with my sw. I never requested any further info on the children on the dvd.

I think my sw is frustrated with me b/c my homestudy took over one year to complete. At one point, I put the study on hold, not sure what I wanted to do. I am single and this is the biggest decision I will ever make. I think I would be a great mom (I'm sure everyone thinks this about themselves). I am responsible, dependable, empathetic, have a lot of friends and a good education. But I feel rushed! I am the type of person that deliberates on decisions. My sw said she thinks this is not the right way to make a decision, but it's the only way I know how! I do know other friends have said this about me. Does anyone have any advice for me??? I am open to whatever anyone wants to say!

[ocracoke]

I swear I made my decision to accept a referral in about 2.4 seconds. However, I also feel like I got lucky. If I adopt again I will much more thoughtful in my decision to accept a referral.

I do not know which country you are adopting from or what the normal referral acceptance practice is... but make it a priority to get a few things done. Call the IA doc, email the info to them, call those people you want input from, etc. But do not let the SW push you into a decision you are not comfortable with. Let her know what you are doing to make the decision and let her know you will have an answer for her by a specific date. If that is not acceptable to her then let her know that you are unable to accept the referral given the time constraints. Yes, accepting a referral can be a decision that is made with your heart. But you should not ignore your head in this decision either.

Best of luck,
Samantha

[linda512]

Don't let anyone push you. If they are referring you a child older than you had requested, you should take the time you need to decide. And if you decide no, don't let them make you feel guilty. You are the one who will have to live with this decision. It makes me wonder what's going on when they are pushing you to decide. They should want the best match possible also and if you need to talk to the doctor, you should be allowed to.
Good luck! Let us know what happens.

[sugarmuffin]

Why is the SW being so pushy? you will be the one to parent the child so it has to be YOUR decision. Do not let anyone "bully" you.

[Asha0314]

you are so right to be deliberate about these type of decisions! Please don't let anyone rush you.

[MenloAve]

We didn't get that pushing so much from the US side, but the in-country side. Hold your ground and make sure you are comfortable.

They wanted to know right away, said everyone else knew right away, didn't need as much time, they could find 100's of families that would adopt this kid, etc, etc. Since this referral was at the top of our age range and we had two previous bad referrals where the medical info didn't match the child we ultimately met (two different countries) we wanted to be sure. They were mad, we held our ground, and in the end we accepted the referral and are very happy with the decision.

Our main response back was, "when we make decisions they are forever decisions. Surely, you want to make sure that this child is happy with us in our family." It worked to a degree - but we were told no-one else needed this much time to "be sure". Oh well.

Be sure, ask for more info if you need it (we asked for someone to go meet the child and redo measurements - based on an IA doctors evaluation.) Then make your decision. Good luck.