[rockvilledad]

In December 2008 we adopted a 3 1/2 year old boy from Taiwan who was in a foster home since he was 6 months old. Becasue of his inability to understand english , and our inability to speak mandarin, we chose to not address the adoption with him until we could communicate properly. Our only goal was to show him love, and get him to adjust to his new situation. Anyway tonite he said out of the blue at dinner, "I want my other Mommy", now granted he was tired, so we don't know if he was having a flashback, or if this is something he has been thinking all along, but did not know how to express it. The details of his conversation were very clear as to his previous living situation. Anyway we don't know if we should now just dive into the photos & videos of the adoption, or see if it subsides till he can grasp the understanding that he is here to stay. Any advice would help.

[crick]

Since he's brought it up, I'd certainly address it with him. There's no need to overwhelm him with all the details, just acknowledge his feelings and comments on it.

"I miss my other mommy" - "I'm sure you do sweetie. It's okay to think about her." "Maybe mommy and daddy can help you draw a picture of her?"

Or if you have pics of her and his foster home, ask if he'd like to see those and say things like "See this is where you lived before we adopted you and brought you home."

Just do age appropriate things and let him know it's okay to talk about it.

You might consider making a small picture album just for him that he can look at whenever he wants and as he grows and understands more, you can show him a video and more pictures.

[rockvilledad]

if you don't mind me asking, were your children not infants when you adopted them? That's been the hardest thing to get advice on, because most of our friends had adopted babies, so the their kids had no memory of the adoption. Would you try to explain to him that the foster parents were not his real parents?, or is that too much for him to understand. As I said the hard part is for my wife, when he says "I want my other mommy" gut wrenching for her. But I've tried to console her, by saying he is only a child, he kind of doesn't know what he is saying. Wondering if this is a teachable moment!

[Max'smom]

I agree with the above advice - no matter how it makes you feel, try to treat the existence of the other mommies (birth and foster) as facts of life: yes, before we met you, you lived in Taiwan with your foster mom, then Daddy and I came and remember how long the plane ride was? That way they will be less likely to turn his status into a big deal, marking him/his past as "different" in a way that upsets you. You don't want him to misunderstand why you/your spouse gets upset when he asks about the foster family. We have a lot of support from other people who have adopted (making the topic normal), so our son who is almost 4 but was adopted as an infant has looked many times at his foster family photos, the photos in Korea of us holding him for the first time, and the map of how the plane took us all here. Really deemphasizing any "difference" between you and him can be achieved by stating "Daddy was born somewhere else too (state place) and Mommy was born in x state, but now we all live here together as a family. We are going to be a family forever, etc. I really was shocked almost a year ago when my son matter of factly asked if he came out of my tummy, and I just replied, nope and he seemed totally satisfied with the concreteness of the answer.

[crick]

Originally Posted by rockvilledad

if you don't mind me asking, were your children not infants when you adopted them? That's been the hardest thing to get advice on, because most of our friends had adopted babies, so the their kids had no memory of the adoption. Would you try to explain to him that the foster parents were not his real parents?, or is that too much for him to understand. As I said the hard part is for my wife, when he says "I want my other mommy" gut wrenching for her. But I've tried to console her, by saying he is only a child, he kind of doesn't know what he is saying. Wondering if this is a teachable moment!

My kids were 2, 3, 4 & 5 when we adopted them. My oldest two remembered their biological mom and of course their foster mom. My youngest two only knew their foster mom. Nonetheless, the loss they felt was great and to go into a new home with a brand new mom and dad, different town, different room, smells etc. Hard and scary for them, as I'm sure it was for your son.

It was very gut wrenching to hear my dd cry for her bmom and tell me she didn't love me as much and wanted her other mom. More than that though I just felt so sad for her and hated that she was hurting. kwim? Don't get me wrong..I had days where I cried in the shower or just felt miserable thinking I'd never be her real mom and it sucked. On the flip side of that, I wanted to help my daughter. Hard part of parenting sometimes.

What I tried to do with her was acknowledge her feelings and just comfort her. I rocked her, sang to her and played with her. It's at those times we cemented our bond and now at age 11, she is very much my daughter and I her mother. She will still at times talk about her bmom, but it's less painful for us both now.

Your son had 3 years with his foster mom and she was the only mom he knew until now. To him she was a real mother, you know? And that's okay. Your wife and you have a lifetime with him and you ARE his parents. Just give him some time to grieve and be there for him.

I'm going to get a few people I know on here who have adopted internationally and their kids were not infants that will have some insight for you. Support is necessary, especially in the first year home.

[momraine]

I have had several friends who made picture books for thier kids. You can do this on the computer (this way if they tear it up you can just print another one). Use what ever pictures you have and then for the rest use stock photos from the internet or drawings. Then you write your child's story, at his level. Start out with him being born and a mom who loved him very much but could not take care of him, so her "friends" started helping find a perfect forever family for him. A special lady called a foster mom took care of him while people searched for the perfect mom and dad for him. Meanwhile far away in another country there was a family who needed a boy. They were looking for the right boy for thier family. Anyway, you get the picture, personalize it for your situation and put one or two sentances on a page with a picture. In my kids stories I put a lot of how I pray for the other mom and the people who took care of my son till I could get him. I also mention that they were happy that I could take care of them and I can't wait till I meet them all in heaven (his birth mother passed away) so I can thank her for giving me such a wonderful son. We also pray together for the nuns who cared for him and write them letters. I also make sure he knows that I will always love him no matter what. We play a game where I talk about how I love him when he is asleep or awake, happy, mad, sad, silly or scared. I will love him if he turns purple with orange stripes or if a tree grows out of his head. I also name some of the not so nice things he does and let him know that I love him even when he is doing those things. (along with the good things he does)

[rockvilledad]

Thanks, we'll take all the help we can get.
BTW we have 3 biological daughters (7,9,11), this is our first boy, so that in itself has been an adventure so far!

[oceanica]

momraine, that is so sweet!!! I'll have to find a way to do that with my kids when they get bigger. (I was almost getting interested in hearing the story myself there!)

[mommytoEli]

i have 3 children who came to me past the newborn/early infant stage. they were 10 months, 8, and 9. you'd be surprised at what even the 10 month old seems to remember. now at 3, he very much wants to discuss his adoption story, birth family, foster family, and country of origin. we are very open with him, and he knows his entire story. (it is appropriate for a 3 year old.) the main thing he likes to do is make up stories about his mom. he left her care from the hospital after birth. but still he seems to have this incredible connection to her. we have 2 pictures of her. i don't display them, just keep them locked in a safe...but he knows he can ask to see them. i think in the future, i will make him his own copy to keep in his room. i think the biggest thing at this age is for kids to know that their aparents are willing to talk about their life before they became a family with you. for us, we just talk about it naturally...we don't make it a big deal....like a sit down discussion...we just talk. it is fun to do it at bedtime...like "do you want to hear the story about when i first met you in guatemala?" or if we are watching a movie and the character is adopted, we draw connections.."oh, he's adopted, just like YOU!" this usually opens up conversation where he then has lots of questions we try to answer. i think the earlier you start these conversations, the easier it is on everyone.

now my 2 kids that came at 8 and 9 obviously have solid memories of parents, siblings, family, etc....peope and places they no longer have in their life. same thing....i have to make them believe that i want to talk about these things whenever they want to talk. i think it is so important for them to know they will not hurt my feelings when they want to talk about their mother or the rest of their first family. i also bring them up occassionally to ensure they are talking about it as much as they need to. for them, they have photo albums of people in their past life. i used to allow them to keep it in their rooms, but right now i possess them. as much as i want them to have access to these memories.....for them, there does come times that the traumatic nature of the situation takes over, and looking at the pictures does nothing but cause anxiety and depression. they will sit and dwell on what they have lost to a very unhealthy degree. so while i am an advocate of kids have access to that....i also think you really just need to keep an eye out for concerning behavior once they have it. when i take the pictures periodically, i assure the kids they are not in trouble, the pictures still belong to them, and they can have them back shortly.,.....after discussing them of course. but sometimes, even kids doing really well, need a break.

at first i remember being offended by the first family...like these kids are MINE now, there is no turning back....the babies will never remember anything else so the first family should not matter. blah blah blah. yeah, it isn't true. even the child i have had since the day he was born wants to know about his first family. it no longer bothers me....because in the middle of the night when he is sick, he bangs on MY door asking for me...his mommy. i realized that even though he was so small, losing someone he had for even that short of a time is traumatic. i can never replace the woman who gave my children life. ever. i have told my children when they choose to search for their families, i will help. i will pay the p.i. i will fly with them on a plane. i understand the pain your wife is feeling, but for me, when i got to the point that i realized we are two different people (first mom and myself) who did two different things, then i know that even when my son grows up and wants to locate her....even if she becomes a part of his life, i know that i too will be his mommy. i know he'll still call me when he needs me, still visit at christmas, and still ask me for money.

my best advice to you is to find a family in your area that also has adopted children. i can NOT tell you enough how much of a resource that can be for your family. it will be beneficial to your child to have another child in his life who has been adopted, it will be beneficial for your wife to call and say, "he's asking for his other mommy," and hear the other mom who understands say so....and invite her over for coffee. the families i have in my life iwth adopte dkids are invaluable to me. i honestly don't know what i'd do without them. if you are unsure where to start, you may want to ask around at your church..or join one that has some adoptive families, call a local adoption agency and ask if they have events or adoption support groups you can attend to make some friends. you can typically find these support groups at private foster family agencies. i have also seen ads for groups- like mommy and me groups for adopted kids from different countries in the paper.

good luck.....i remember those hard times. it will be okay.

[Max'smom]

Hi,

I agree with the above poster - having other adoptive families in your child's life is really important. My son's classmate is adopted and so was his teacher and she did a lot to make the adoptive kids feel totally at ease with their stories. We also have other kids in our environment who are adopted. My son has no problem with the idea that there are some kids who are adopted and others who aren't, both types of family are "normal" to him because of the adoptive families we are around and in particular, because of his teacher who was adopted as a teen and did a lot of work with him to help him build his story. My son as a result will not be one of those young people that is shocked into feeling he is "different" one day when he realizes that he was adopted....

[specialk4b]

Our son was 2-1/2 when we adopted him from China. We've talked with him about the adoption all along, mostly about us going to get him and how we will always be his parents. But from time to time we talk about his life in China.

We have a couple of books (Over the Moon, Happy Adoption Day) that are in his regular rotation for bedtime reading. We've used those books to discuss things, too. I'm not sure how much he remembers of China, but I'm sure some of it is in there.

We talk a lot about how we are his forever family and will always be there. I must have said it a lot cuz now he will say "Always my mama, always my baba. Forever and ever. Mama will never leave you even when you're bad."

[rockvilledad]

Thanks for everyone's advice & help! We proceeded to make a simple scrapbook, and that has really helped. We've been very open about it, and have talked with him about it, even when he does not ask about it. We've tried to make it as a normal part of our conversations, and it seems to be working. In fact it seems as if all he wanted to do was verbalize it, and for now it seems as if it was a bigger issue for us, than it was for him! I am sure he will continue to have questions, but at least we have a game plan now.