[LEJ8]

I just finished my homestudy, and I'm currently checking waiting child lists from various agencies. One agency had a child listed that generally fit the description of who I would like to adopt. However, there was not a lot of information...just things like "healthy, active, etc". The agency said she would provide more information to me (though she said she did not have much more info) once she looked at my homestudy and determined if she thought it would be a fit. However, she wanted to know if, after the brief description, I was still interested. But what if I learn new info that would make me not interested? I am afraid the agency will be frustrated with me. I feel like I will know my child when I read about him/her and see a photo. However, will I be looked at as a person wasting their time, coming up with silly excuses if I do not accept this child? Did anyone turn down waiting children for anything less serious than health issues, such as "it doesn't feel right"?

The agency told me this child was very active. Well, I read that as ADHD etc...I know it is so hard to ascertain the truth when you have never seen a child, and the child is thousands of miles away. Add to that cultural differences, and I don't see how anyone gets matched up!

[sak9645]

The goal of adoption is to find parents who can meet a child's needs. It is not to find the "perfect" child for a parent.

If you are considering waiting children, it must be because you are open to certain significant medical conditions, or to a school aged child. (Children 6 and up, especially boys, are considered hard to place.)

An agency wants to protect a child's privacy. It also has limited staff and budget. As a result, it is not going to share a child's complete file, or to engage in extensive dialogue with you, unless you:

1. Have a homestudy that approves you for an older child or a child with particular special needs. A trained professional needs to feel fairly certain that you are sufficiently familiar with the medical, educational, behavioral, and other issues that an older child or child with special needs may have, AND that you are comfortable with the unknowns that adopting ANY child involves. You will also need to have the financial resources to provide for any medical, educational, or other services that are needed.

2. Seem to be truly serious about adopting a specific child, assuming that there is no MAJOR piece of information that would change that opinion. As an example, if you expressed serious interest in adopting a certain eight year old listed as healthy, but then found out that there was significant prenatal exposure to alcohol and that the child was exhibiting certain learning and behavioral issues suggestive of a fairly severe fetal alcohol spectrum disorder, no one would be surprised or upset if you decided not to proceed. However, you probably would be viewed unfavorably if you decided to back out because you learned that the child was shy or had bad teeth (a problem with many, many internationally adopted children, including healthy children).

The good news about adopting waiting children is that you are likely to get a little more information than you get when adopting a healthy infant. But the bad news is that there are no guarantees. Both healthy and special needs referrals can wind up having previously undiagnosed problems.

And no one can be certain exactly how a child will react upon adoption into a particular family. A previously shy child may turn into a very outgoing one, once he/she feels secure, for example. It is up to the parent to create a home situation that meets the child's needs and that fits with his/her personality.

With regard to "very active", such remarks should generally be viewed with skepticism. Such a label often means that the child doesn't fit the orphanage mold, which favors quiet, compliant kids who do exactly what they are told and don't demand anything from the staff. A file might contain more telling information, such as the fact that the child behaves impulsively, sometimes doing things that are dangerous; this could be a sign of fetal alcohol issues. Or it might indicate that the child is fearful and quiet because he was removed from a home in which he was abused.

ADHD is a specific medical term, which should not be applied to a child, without a diagnosis by a physician trained to do the appropriate tests. Just because a child, even a homegrown one, is very active does not mean that he/she has ADHD. Because doctors in the countries from which Americans adopt are not generally trained to test for ADHD, do not expect to see this diagnosis in a child's records, in any case. You won't be able to get such a diagnosis on ANY child until he/she comes home. And then, you may find that it is made for a child who is NOT listed as active, just as often as it is for one listed as active.

I adopted my daughter from China based on a picture which turned out not to be hers, and on information that consisted of a height, a weight (way wrong), and the information that she had ten teeth and normal test results. It was a huge leap of faith, even after I met her and saw how small and sickly and shut down she appeared.

But I must tell you that she is the child of my dreams. Now 13, she is healthy, gorgeous, academically very successful, and a warm and empathic girl. I would never have expected that she would turn out so well, but such leaps of faith often do turn out this way.

Sharon

[ChelleBrewer]

Sharon,

That was an amazing post. What a way to aptly describe the unknowns.

LEJ8,

I hope you find the child who needs you.