[renda460]

My husband and I have 3 biological children and want to add a 4th. We have been talking about adoption this time, but we are having trouble making the decision to do this. I keep seeing shows or hearing stories about kids that have medical issues that were unknown at adoption, or kids that have caused major disruptions in their new family. Are things like this common? We would want to adopt a healthy infant from Bulgaria. Is it likely that we would run into medical or emotional issues? If we adopted the child at around 18 mos old, would that eliminate the possibility of RAD?

Please share your thoughts with us. Any input, good or bad would be great.

[devildogwife]

Originally Posted by renda460

My husband and I have 3 biological children and want to add a 4th. We have been talking about adoption this time, but we are having trouble making the decision to do this. I keep seeing shows or hearing stories about kids that have medical issues that were unknown at adoption, or kids that have caused major disruptions in their new family. Are things like this common? We would want to adopt a healthy infant from Bulgaria. Is it likely that we would run into medical or emotional issues? If we adopted the child at around 18 mos old, would that eliminate the possibility of RAD?

Please share your thoughts with us. Any input, good or bad would be great.

Deciding to adopt was fairly easy for us. Once we decided, we never looked back. If you're having trouble deciding, take time and just keep researching. Don't jump in if you're not ready.

My son had a very, very serious heart condition that presented itself shortly after birth. For us, we realized that sick children need parents too, and we've never been happier.

You really never know what issues you'll run into be it emotional and or medical. From my understanding of RAD, adopting an 18-month-old would definitely not elminate possiblity of RAD. Again, from my limited understanding, RAD develops usually when a child is unable to bond before 2 years old, due to muliple caregivers, in utero trauma, etc. Children 18-months old certainly could have RAD, or they could be well bonded and not have that disorder.

Just keep researching and good luck with your decision.

[karla-k]

Adopting is just like giving birth: you don't know what you'll get We actually feel more comfortable with our adopted child's health status because we met and interacted with him at 5.5 months old. We are now waiting to bring him home

Our 3 older kids all have issues we deal with daily: severe food allergies, asthma, developmental delay due to prematurity, speech delays, etc. We didn't know when we were pregnant that our kids would struggle with these issues.

Do we know that our adopted son won't have these issues? No, but we know he is developing appropriately for his age and that is all we have to go on. We do know more about him than we knew about our birth children though, if that makes sense.

If you are not willing to face the unknown, adoption is scary. I just don't see it as a bigger unknown than actually giving birth.

[AutumnMom]

"Adopting is just like giving birth: you don't know what you'll get"

I couldn't agree more with this quote. There are no grantees in life and that is so very true with children. When a woman is pregnant there is no grantee that the child will be born healthy or not develop health issues later on in life. Adoption is the same thing I truly believe. Yes there are tests that should be done (Hep, HIV, etc.) just to rule out some biggie issues. BUT that being said you cannot test for everything. If issues do arise you would deal with them just as you would with a biological child. Adoption takes a leap of faith...but I would not leap if you are not sure. I myself have always wanted to adopt my entire life, I never wanted to have biological children. If you and your husband are unsure think about it and then think about it some more. Good luck to you no matter what you decide!

[momraine]

I do have a child with RAD, and to answer the question while the chances are a little less with a younger child, it's still possible. However that said with my first born I did everything right. I was super careful during my pregnancy. My son has aspergers, now he is doing great now, but we had some tough years! So yeah, no garantees. For us, we just knew. OK I just knew, dh took a little longer! LOL

[pnewcombe]

I think as others have stated you will need to be prepared for anything, even with the best research and preparation, there will be no guarantees. I adopted four older boys, institutionalized for at least 10 years which by most accounts would be high risk adoptions, but I have been rewarded with four great kids who have adapted well to a new culture, language, having a family and even after I researched their backgrounds pre adoption I have found that most of what I had been told was not true anyway. You will have to prepare yourself, trust your parenting skills and it will be a leap of faith regardless. Good luck

[erdoran]

I have three Latin American children, all adopted as infants. I'm infertile, always wanted children, and for me adoption was a no-brainer. But--two of my children have either severe ADHD or FASD (not sure which) that has been heartbreaking for me to deal with. It's no different for me than if I had given birth to them, but when your child is constantly getting in trouble, making stupid choices, and you see them going downhill it is extremely painful to deal with, and you have to learn to separate your own self-esteem and value system as a parent from the reality--ie "my child has a brain injury and can't help cursing at her teachers" and "it's not my fault that my kid is constantly getting in trouble".

The problem is no different if you had given birth to children with these problems, but the probability of a child having problems is higher in an adoption, foreign or not, simply because you are not in control of their pre-natal environment. In a foreign adoption, you rarely know the family's medical history or whether the birth mom used alcohol or drugs during pregnancy. Probably adopting a baby gives you the best chance of minimizing problems, but sometimes, as in my case, no matter how hard you try, how well-educated you are in parenting skills, and no matter what you do nothing works.

There was a show on 20/20 last week about some of the difficulties adoptive parents have, primarily with RAD children but not all of the children had RAD. I don't think any of mine do, and there is no reason for them to.

We all go into adoption bright-eyed, thinking "of course my child will be fine, I'll give them a good home and lots of love, proper medical care and a good education, and I'll deal with whatever comes along". Sometimes none of this is enough...but again, the same thing can happen with your bio children. For example, my adopted daughter and my stepson (husband's bio son) are both 18, and both known for stupid decisions. When I was learning about FASD I read the symptoms and behaviors off to my husband and he commented that they describe his son 100% yet he knows beyond any doubt that there was no pre-natal drug or alcohol exposure for this kid.

I know this is rambling but I'm sitting here very depressed in the midst of an anxiety attack about whether my 18 yr old is going to cut school tomorrow so she can sneak her new boyfriend into the house while I'm at work, or whether she'll make the right choice. I'll probably have to leave work at 11:30 and jeopardize my job to drive the 45 mins home to make sure no one is pulling anything.

If you are considering adoption, or having bio kids (if that's an option, for most of us it isn't) please take seriously the fact that you could end up in the same situation I'm in, no matter what you do. I don't mean this to discourage anyone, and God knows I had worked with difficult children before adopting (we did foster care for problem teens) but somehow you don't expect YOUR children to end up this way because you just know you won't make the same mistakes that everyone else made that caused their kids to be messed up. WRONG!

If someone had read me this post in the years I was trying to adopt I would have blown it off, figuring she MUST have done something wrong and I knew better. At this point in my life I'll say something I never thought I would say--I almost wish I hadn't had children. And I waited 13 years from when I first got married until we adopted our first child, and I wanted children more than anything in the entire world.