[jenevra]

Hi - I'm new the boards and my husband and I are thinking about international adoption - China or Korea right now. He's totally ready, but I'm not so sure.

I have a few concerns - the ability to bond and the age of the child (I would "prefer" an infant I think rather than 10 months old for example), the length of the process (especially China!), and then if they would have any issues finding their own personal identity as they get older. (I know cultural integration and participation is important too).

I'm really just looking to see if anyone else has felt like this, and I would especially love to hear about those of you who have already adopted from abroad and how your experiences were.

Thanks in advance!
Jen

[ocracoke]

Jen,

You gotta d what you think is right for you. People can give you horror stories and dreams but it doesn't mean your situation will be like that. I was steered to international adoptions and in the end really felt like it was the right option for me. I never wanted an infant (keep in mind that some countries consider infants anything under 12 months). I requested the 12-24 month range. My daughter was almot 21 months when we arrived home. She bonded in about 48 hours - not all kids will do that. She has been home for 21 months now. I wouldn't trade it for the world and if I get the chance to adopt again I would definately prefer to return to her country to adopt again.

But that may not be what is right for you, though.
Samantha

[hml1976]

I don't know that any of us can give you what you're looking for as far as advice.

We have two kids adopted from Kazakhstan, one was 7mths at adoption and one was 9mths...both were babies in my opinion. Heck, they're 17mths and 3.5 now and mostly still babies

Both attached well and are normal Dora lovin' veggie hatin' kids.

There's a lot of thought put into international adoption and there should be but 99% of the time my kids are just kids and I never really think about how they came to our family, just that they're here now. Will we deal with cultural and racial issues in the future? Yes, but all kids have issues of some kind, we just know ahead of time what some of our kid's will be.

Good luck!

[specialk4b]

We adopted a little boy from China. Yes, the length of time to referral with that program has become quite a question mark. Also, it would be rare to be matched with a child under the age of 8 months due to the process of searching for the bio parents in China before being able to be adopted.

Our little guy was 2-1/2 when we got him. There were challenges in adopting a toddler, but we are working through them and finding it very rewarding.

[sak9645]

I am glad that you have given thought to all of these issues. However, I must tell you that adoption of a child under age two generally involves low risk in terms of bonding.

Attachment issues tend to be at their most serious when the bonds of trust between a child and parents or other adults have been broken repeatedly. There is a big difference between an 18 month old who has lost parents at birth, had a reasonable foster care or orphanage experience, and then been adopted, and an older child who was removed from an abusive home and placed in a series of inferior care settings, prior to adoption.

The 18 month old will almost certainly grieve when adopted, but grief is actually a good sign. It means that the child attached once, and can probably attach again.

My daughter from China was 18.5 months old at adoption. She had apparently been abandoned at 9.5 months of age. It appears that she was placed in a temporary facility for a month while the compulsory birthparent search was undertaken, and then brought to a decent social welfare institute, where she was living when I adopted her.

Becca spent three days in "shutdown mode", reacting to very little and appearing quite damaged, when I adopted her. However, after three days, her shock and grief lifted, and I found that I had a wonderfully huggy/kissy/smiley child who absolutely loved having a Mommy and being adopted.

There was still an enormous amount of "baby" left in Becca at 18 months. She was still in diapers. She was very tiny. She loved to be carried. She seemed to believe that "Mommies feed babies", and even though she had excellent fine motor skills and probably could have used a spoon, preferred me to feed her anything but finger foods for the first several months -- which I was glad to do, as this is a good way to promote bonding. She had some gross motor delays and needed lots of practice walking, crawling, climbing, and so on -- but no formal therapy.

Becca turned out to have no major issues of any kind, except some initial problems with picky eating and slow growth. She's 12 now, and healthy in every way. She is an outstanding student in a challenging Jewish private school. She is a social butterfly. She is loving and empathic. She adores animals. She has always been an easy child to parent, and even early adolescence, hormonal changes, and so on, are not a huge issue. Yes, she's still a picky eater, but she's growing normally and looks gorgeous.

Certainly, Becca thinks deeply about adoption issues. She is fully aware of her history, and has had various "takes" on her abandonment over the years, dependng on her stage of development. She has been appropriately sad. She has wanted to know more about her birth family -- and I hope that, someday, it may be possible for me to help her search.

Becca knows my feeling that she was loved, and abandoned only because of some serious issue such as the one child policy; her personality suggests that she got lots of care and attention during her earliest days. She felt sympathy for her birthparents for a long time.

Right now, however, having learned about sex and birth control, she is a bit angry that her birthparents may have chosen to conceive children, despite the knowledge that they might be unable to keep them because of one-child issues, poverty, etc. You may love kids, she argues, but you shouldn't have them if you think you won't be able to care for them. (I hope this belief deters her from early sexual activity!)Adolescent exploration of such issues is normal, and she will have lots more "takes" on the issue between now and the time she reaches adulthood.

Becca walks easily in a world where her identity is tripartite -- Chinese, American, and Jewish. Her closest friends happen to be from our China travel group, but she is also very popular with her Caucasian Jewish school friends, and she had one longstanding friendship with a neighborhood redheaded Christian girl, who practically lived in our home.

She has an uncanny ability to deal with the mild teasing that is normal among children, and used to be the defender of another Asian child who was extremely sensitive and not skilled in "playground politics". She mastered "the look" -- a withering stare at teasers, that seemed to ask, "What rock did you crawl out from under?" Kids backed off. She also knew that, while I normally didn't like her to make insulting remarks, I considered them justified as a response to racial teasing. She once asked, loudly, "Who pushed the Dumb-o button?" when some kid shot off his mouth, which got everyone laughing -- at him.

She knows all the stereotypes about Asians, and has a well developed sense of humor. If someone comments on her excellent math test score, she may give an evil grin and say, "Well, you know how we Chinese are all good in math," knowing darn well that Chinese people come in all flavors, and some will be good at math, while others won't be able to add two and two.

We live in a very Asian neighborhood, and Becca is aware that she will never be fully accepted as "real" Chinese by some families, although she has had one good friend whose parents are Chinese-born, speak Chinese at home, and rarely eat American foods. She is comfortable with the fact that she can learn more about Chinese language and culture, but that she will remain much more American than Chinese, because of her everyday exposure to a typical American lifestyle. Still, she does hope to learn more about her birth culture, and to maintain at least some ties to the Asian community.

The "face" of the Jewish community is changing rapidly, because of factors such as adoption and intermarriage. As a result, Becca is far from the only non-White child in her school, and the synagogues here often have Black and Asian adult and children as members. She has never faced bias because she is an Asian Jew, and I have seen no evidence that she will have problems when it comes to dating, if she chooses to date the boys from school. The parents of the boys, as well as the girls, seem to like her because she is a serious student and a nice kid.

Obviously, your experience could be different, and I'm not saying that you will necessarily get a child like Becca. However, you should know that even children adopted as newborns can have problems -- alas, there is a young man in my extended family who came to his parents as a same-race newborn, and who has all the marks of RAD, including a singularly absent conscience; he has served prison time for defrauding people. At the same time, plenty of children who have been adopted at much older ages have turned out beautifully, or have overcome minor issues. And, of course, there is no guarantee that a bio child will be free of problems.

As to Korea vs. China, I would say that IF you qualify to adopt a healthy infant from Korea right now, then that might be a better choice for you than China. Even though the time frame has lengthened and the average age has increased in recent years, the kids still tend to come home in a year or so, and often well under a year of age. With China, the current wait is likely to be much longer, and the likelihood of an older referral is greater.

Korea has a long history of ethical adoption. It is a prosperous country, and even orphans get excellent, Western-style medical care. American adoption medicine specialists tend to trust the medical records and the quality of things like vaccines. Most of the children are in decent foster homes with trained and supervised foster parents. Adoptive families often get some social and medical history on the birthmother, and occasionally some birthfather information is present.

In recent years, I've seen a few more referral medicals that mention Korean birthmothers using alcohol and cigarettes during pregnancy. Korea has the same social ills as other economically developed countries. Obviously, there is risk to a child, when he/she is prenatally exposed to alcohol; fetal alcohol spectrum disorders can affect learning and behavior for life. But the good news is that, since such information is reported, adoptive families can make informed decisions about accepting a referral.

Many agencies, today, are not allowing first time parents to choose gender, when adopting from Korea, and this may bother you. But the fact is that such a policy is almost a necessity. Americans all seem to want girls, whenever they adopt. If all parents can choose gender, there will be long waits for Korean baby girls, while boys will languish in care for long periods of time. Even if you can choose gender, you are likely to complete an adoption faster if you are open to a boy.

The number of healthy infants available for adoption in Korea has been declining for years, because of the country's prosperity. And recently, the Korean government has been actively promoting domestic adoption, through such practices as giving tax benefits, which will further reduce the number of available children. As a result, you can expect to wait longer than you would have ten years ago, to complete an adoption.

But the wait is nowheres near as long as China's, you are likely to get a slightly younger child, and you will often get more information about the child referred to you.

Some parents like the idea that they can have their child escorted to them, from Korea. Personally, I would strongly advise you to travel. Getting to know your child's birth culture can be an important part of preparing you to teach your child to appreciate his/her birth heritage. And the more your child feels comfortable with his/her birth heritage, the easier he/she will adjust to life as an American.

I must tell you that I would adopt again in a heartbeat, if I could. But I was 51 when I adopted my incredible daughter, and I am not a good candidate for a second adoption, now that I am 62. My experience with China adoption was terrific, though. I was never a candidate for Korea, as I adopted as a single; while China used to welcome singles -- it recently stopped accepting them -- Korea hasn't allowed singles for many years. It also tends to prefer young parents; most agencies won't accept an application from a couple where one or both spouses is over 42.

Sharon

[mlb]

We adopted twice from Kazakhstan, our older son was 13 months when we met him and our youngest was 9 months old. I always thought I wanted a baby, but I don't feel that I missed out on anything at all. My oldest wouldn't take a bottle but my youngest did and it's a struggle not to give him one now. They both bonded well, and transtion to home was smooth. One sone has thyroid issue and is on meds for it. We won't know if he has learning issues as a result of it, but he is currently presentling as a smart boy who is on or ahead of schedule.
We are very involved in a local adoption group and expose them to as many cultural experiences related to their birthcountry as possible. Hope this helps!