[USArmyWife1982]

Hi all, My name is Amanda and I've come to you for help and to vent basically. My husband and I have been ttc for years. We always new we were going to adopt but planned to later on in life after we had our own children. Unfortunately due to unforeseen circumstances we are not able to have our own children. Because of that we are wanting to adopt sooner than we had planned. We started talking about adopting internationally a couple years ago and decided we would wait until we had saved up the money and after my husband came home from Iraq.

Well now the time has come and the place we planned on adopting from is no longer doing adoptions, that in itself crushed me. We then decided on Vietnam which I'm now finding more and more agencies who are closing the program to the increasing number of applicants. I'm very upset that we arnt eligible for some programs due to our age and I fear we have run out of options.

I'm very discouraged and do not know what to do. Its very mentally and emotionally draining and I find myself wanting to cry and throw my hands up and say, " I give up, I'm not meant to be a mother" We haven't even started the process of adopting , heck we haven't even picked an agency. Partially because we don't know a good one whose able to work long distance and partially because the programs are being shut down. What should I do. Should I chalk this up as a case of it wasn't meant to be ? Help.....

[2xaround]

Amanda,

Although I still know very little about you, I feel it may be a little early to throw in the towel.

So, let's start by getting some more information.

First of all I apologize, but I don't know what ttc stands for.

Secondly, I understand your plan was to try and have bio children first and then adopt later, but it sounds to me like your ultimate goal is to have children become part of your family. Whether biologically or through adoption, these children will be your children so it's simply a matter of figuring out how you get from here to there.

You mentioned something about your age, but didn't tell us how old you and your husband are. That would be helpful information. My husband and I are 45 and 46 so I understand the feeling of limitations due to age, but we were able to find programs available to us, so I'm sure you can find something to.

While some countries may not be a possibility right now, there are several countries still available to choose from depending on your desires.

Here are some to consider:

China, Ethiopia, Ukraine, Russia, Columbia, Kazakhstan, Korea, Philippeans, Tawain, India, Thailand, etc.

Do you want an infant, toddler, or older child adoption?

If you go to the Department of State website, you can read the requirements for various countries. I've also done web searches on specific countries and then researched agencies based on the particular country. In our case, I've found that even in the same country, the agency requirements can differ. For example, I was researching adoption from Ethiopia and with some agencies my husband and I could adopt an infant, while other agencies had an age cutoff. You may have to do a fair amount of research to find a program that works for you and an agency you feel you can work with, but the reward in the end will be well worth all the research, paperwork, and wait.

I'm sure others will have some additional input as well, but in the meantime, keep your chin up and believe that things will work out eventually.

[sak9645]

Don't give up.

I am a single woman. I had to wait till I was almost 50 to apply to adopt, as a result of issues like having to take care of elderly parents. I was 51 when my daughter came home. I saw my country of choice, China, close and open, and experienced major delays when it went through a reorganization of its adoption system while I was in process. I heard many people, including the heads of agencies, say that China -- and every other country -- would not refer me a young child.

Today, I am a Mom. My daughter was 18 months old when I met her in China, and she is 12 years old now. She is the perfect child for me and for my extended family. She is healthy, academically very successful, loving and empathic, and a delight to parent, even though I am now 62.

You don't mention your age, but if you are under 50, you probably will have no trouble finding a country to accept you. Ethiopia might be a good choice, if you are open to a Black child, for example. Kazakhstan has both Asian and Caucasian children available. Taiwan, whose children are of Chinese heritage, might be open to you, depending on the program you choose. And even China, despite its new strict rules and long time frame, might be a possibility. All of these countries do a good job of caring for their orphaned children, and all have relatively stable adoption systems.

Kyrgyzstan has newly opened to adoption and, while there is no track record of stability yet, it could be a very good choice if you start immediately and work with a reputable agency. It seems to be open on age issues. And you can always look at some of the more traditionally available options, such as Thailand, Russia, and so on.

Once you decide on a country, you probably will have no trouble finding a reputable agency to serve you, even though you live overseas. After deciding on a country, go to one of the major bulletin boards or listservs and post a question aimed at other Americans living overseas, and you'll probably find others who are in your situation, who can recommend their agency.

In addition, look to the military community where you live. Your base commander's office may well have names of people who can do your homestudy and agencies that can handle your placement. The U.S. Embassy in the country where you are living may also have a list of social workers who can do your homestudy. The U.S. Embassy in the country from which you decide to adopt may have a list of agencies authorized to work in that country, and may be able to guide you to agencies that will work with Americans living abroad.

You can also obtain a list of agencies working in your country of choice from sources such as the Joint Council on International Children's Services. Once you have such a list, it's a relatively simple matter to send an email to each, asking if it will work with an American living in a particular foreign country.

The road to adoption is long, and not always smooth. But most people who want to be parents and who do not have major barriers such as convictions for domestic violence, serious illnesses, or a history of substance abuse CAN adopt.

But don't give up. The battle to become parents is one that you can win.

Sharon
Try to form a support group of military families in your country of residence. I'll bet that there are other families near you who either have adopted or are in the adoption process. Having a support group can really be beneficial when you are feeling "down" about the process. And the members of the group may be able to suggest countries and agencies.

J

[USArmyWife1982]

thanks very much for the advice. I apologize for leaving out our ages. We are 25 (me) and 26 (dh). We are interested in infant to toddler age from any country. Another problem is that because he is military and has limited time off, we would need a place that doesnt offer both parents for both visits. So me and my MIL would go the second trip instead of me and him.

[kelceesmom]

I read that you want to do an international adoption and understand that you have your reasons. Just from reading it sounds like you have some issues that some countries won't accept you. If you want an infant have you considered a domestic adoption? Just wondering.

[USArmyWife1982]

We have but our worry is shelling all that money over and what if the birth mother changes her mind ya know ? One it would break our hearts, and two we worked very hard to save up the entire amount to adopt. It would put us in a situation where we wouldnt have the money to look at other options.

[ocracoke]

I want to encourage you to look at Ethiopia. It is a good program and pretty flexible in their requirements. There are a lot of new agencies so you will need to do some research about that. Depending on the agency it could take anywhere from 8-18 months for a completed adoption. Some agencies have quicker referrals because they have fewer clients. Age shouldn't matter. And travel is usually no more then a week in country. If you want more information please pm me.

Samantha

[cthy757]

Have you considered South Korea? I have been in your shoes and know how heartbreaking it is to feel hopeless. Honey, there is always hope, unless you give up. It's not easy, but try to take it one day at a time. We have adopted twice from Korea, and would do it again in a heartbeat. There are so many reasons we went with the Korea program:
1. Most babies are in foster care from Day 1. Both of our boys were LOVED so much and cared for by families. They sent them home with pictures of their time there, gifts, and letters for us translated into English.
2. The medical care there is top notch. It is the only country in the world where immunizations given in that country are not re-done here in the U.S. We received monthly well-baby reports along with detailed medical records until both of our boys came home.
3. The ages of the babies coming home are relatively young. My first son came home in 2003, a day before his five-month birthday. My second son came home in early 2006 at around 5 1/2 months old. Right now, the babies are coming home at around 10-12 months of age due to Korea changing some requirements in how soon they release their children for overseas adoption.
4. They allow babies to be escorted home. We traveled a few hours away to pick up our children. Although we would have loved to have traveled, my husband had a blood clot in his leg following surgery, and his doctor did not recommend long plane rides. If you do choose to travel, it is usually a very short stay, like a minimum of 3 business days there. They do not require both parents to travel. You can travel alone or with a friend or family member if your husband can't travel.

I'm not sure what state you are in because Korea works with only a few agencies in the United States, but it's worth looking into further.

Here's a picture of our family:

http://barge.smugmug.com/photos/224017694-L.jpg

Best wishes to you!
Cathy

P.S. PM me if you are interested in the agency we used.

[hml1976]

I think South Korea or Ethiopia would be a great option for you. Don't rule out domestic adoption either. We adopted internationally because of simliar fears but have since learned that domestic adoption is often less difficult than you may think.

[mkviola]

Hang in there and know your child will come to you. I remember the pain and frustration so well.

I just wanted to share our story, in case it may be helpful. We also looked into International at first. There are so many horror stories and rumors about domestic, that we never even gave it a thought. At our first homestudy meeting, we found out our money was secure and that we don't pay until placement. We started to research domestic and (after much prayer) switched over. Our agency works with other agencies to help find a match. We didn't travel until parental rights were terminated, so we didn't have the extra worry of the first parents changing their minds. It was such an amazing and quick experience! I am not at all trying to push domestic, as I am also interested in one day adopting internationally. I just wanted to let you know there are agencies out there who don't let you lose your money.

At times, it feels as though you will never have a child of your own... especially when everyone around you starts having children. I'm proof (as well as many others) that somehow and someway your child will come to you. Just follow your heart.

Best of luck to you and may you have a happy 2008.

[Bunnygirl]

Originally Posted by USArmyWife1982

thanks very much for the advice. I apologize for leaving out our ages. We are 25 (me) and 26 (dh). We are interested in infant to toddler age from any country. Another problem is that because he is military and has limited time off, we would need a place that doesnt offer both parents for both visits. So me and my MIL would go the second trip instead of me and him.

If you're both in your 20's you should be able to adopt pretty much anywhere in the world. Trust me, in the world of adoptions, 20's & 30's is considered quite young for prospective parents!

My gut feeling about Vietnam (where we just got a referral) is that the agencies are going to wait and see whether the adoption agreement between the US & Vietnam is renewed this spring before re-opening. I know that Ethiopia has a very reliable program which should be remaining open for the foreseeable future. Peru has apparently just opened up also, although I don't really know anything about it. We're also logged into China which is now taking forever but I know that the wait time is much, much shorter if you take a child with special needs -- including correctable stuff like cleft lip/cleft palate. Before we started with Vietnam, my husband & I discussed switching to special needs in China but he wasn't really comfortable with the idea. As for both parents having to travel, my impression is that even the countries that want both parents there, they don't both have to be there for the entire stay although obviously that's something you need to check with an agency.

I'd suggest going to RainbowKids.com Adoption Information, Support, Child Photolistings, Articles and Resources and looking at the country guidelines they have there. It's a really good site & the information seems to be well-researched. I'd also suggest, when you choose an agency, to pick one that has programs in several different countries -- that way if there's a problem with the country that you initially choose, you'll be able to switch without too much of a problem (when we switched we just needed to compile a new dossier, we were able to use the same homestudy, etc.).

Good Luck! Just be flexible & try to stay optimistic. Things don't always work out as we plan, but eventually I believe they do work out.

Audrey

[Bebe2007]

USArmyWife

I know the Guatemala program is going through some uphevals to say the least. But there has been some positive movements as of today. So it could be an option again..

At least I hope..