[arwen_spicer]

Hi, I'm a newbie and this is my first post. I am hoping to adopt internationally in the next few years, but I'm concerned that my family's history of alcoholism may disqualify me. My father is an alcoholic. I'm not. I don't drink, never have or will. My dad is a high functioning alcoholic who usually drinks only in the evenings when he's in bed reading and is never abusive (except insofar as dealing with drunk people is annoying). My children would probably very seldom see my dad drunk--but they probably would at some point. Is this going to make my family look unfit? Thanks. (By the way, I'm hoping to adopt from Russia.)

[NeedsANap]

I really shouldn't answer since I'm not really into the adoption process yet, only thinking about it, but this question is relevant to my family, in a sense, as well.

I can't really see why that would matter. I mean, the biggest concern for the home study is the home the child will be living in, and your child is going to be living with you, not your Dad, and as you stated, you don't have a drinking problem at all. I don't see how it would even come up. I mean, if he was an abusive drunk or his drinking had caused problems with the law it might be worth mentioning because it's in the records somewhere, but you said high-functioning and I assume that to means he's never had any issues like that.

Mind I'm definitely not suggesting anything less than complete honesty, I'm just saying I don't see why it should matter...with you your child would be in a safe home where there was no excessive drinking.

Maybe someone who has been through this could shed more light on it?

[sak9645]

Your parents are not interviewed or required to submit any documents relating to your adoption, unless they happen to live with you. If they live with you, of course, they must go through background checks, medical clearances, and interviews.

As a result, as long as they don't live with you, your parents' history is irrelevant in most respects. The ONLY times it would be relevant would be if your childhood was chaotic because of your father's alcohol abuse or if you expect to have a lot of contact with him after the adoption.

You WILL be asked questions about your upbringing, and the issue of how you learned about alcohol could well come up. Even if your Dad was a mean drunk who beat you when he was intoxicated -- and you say that he wasn't -- that would NOT be a barrier to adoption, however. You would simply need to demonstrate that you had sought some counseling and learned more appropriate ways to deal with life and to parent. The fact that you don't drink at all is a big positive, and will show that you recognize that alcoholism can be an inherited tendency.

The social worker WILL want to know that your child will not be exposed to alcoholic behavior, which could frighten him/her or teach him/her that alcohol abuse is OK. You will need to talk with the social worker about how you plan to limit your child's contact with your father to times when he is not drinking. This IS important, since your child should NOT see unpleasant drunken behavior, even from a non-abusive person. It is scary and upsetting for a child to see a beloved relative out of control.

As an example, you may decide that you will not take your child to any parties or family gatherings where your father is present and alcohol is served. You may decide that you will not allow your child to spend an overnight at your father's home, since he tends to get drunk mainly near bedtime. You may decide that you will allow your child to be with your father only when he is at YOUR home and sober.

Some social workers might want you to cut off all contact between your father and your child, but most will recognize that decisions like the ones above are reasonable. They will allow your child to know the love of a grandfather, yet shield him/her from having to deal with scary and unpleasant situations.

Do be aware that, despite -- or maybe because of -- the fact that there is a very high rate of alcohol abuse in Russia, the Russian adoption authorities are very sensitive about issues of alcoholism in adoptive families. If YOU were alcoholic, even if you had a long period of sobriety, you might not be allowed to adopt from Russia.

HOWEVER, since it is your father who is alcoholic, this should not be a problem. Just choose a social worker who is comfortable with your situation and experienced enough with homestudies for Russian adoption to minimize discussion of this sensitive family matter.

Sharon

[momraine]

I interviewed a few social workers before my first adoption. I found that some do have pet peeves. I had an alcoholic father and other major issues in my childhood. One social worker I spoke to was of the beleive that a person who was abused as a child would abuse thier own children, no ifs ands or buts about it. That no matter what, they would abuse so she would turn them down. (I did not hire her, since at that point there were already three children in my home that I had never abused - if I had been going to do it I am sure I would have done it sometime in those six years I had been a mother!)
Another woman I spoke to had a thing about fire safety, she would not allow things to be stored in the garage in cardboard boxes. (we had moved a year before and some things never quite got unpacked in that year) she also had issues about my teen aged relative that we had living with us. However all of her pet peeves were ones we could live with, we only did not use her becuse a social worker from our church offered to do it for free. Anyway, be upfront with the worker at the begining, before you hire her. Some will have a bigger problem with it than others.

[arwen_spicer]

Thanks to everyone for your input. I appreciate your expertise and good advice. And I feel quite comforted

[kitdem]

I would say that your awareness of your dad's problem is probably the most important aspect of helping your children stay safe. I don't think it is enough to keep you from adopting. It is something that you can discuss with your homestudy social worker. I honestly think that your genuine concern shows that you would be a very responsible parent.