[amacgrl]

I've been seriously considering international adoption for a few months and been doing quite a bit of research and reading. As an older single parent I anticipated wishing to adopt a toddler or older child. Frankly, reading some of the experiences of others has about scared me off. Have those of you who have adopted experienced serious attachment issues that seem insurmountable or needing psychotherapy? Do children from some countries seem to suffer more than others? (Russian children come to mind based on the posts.) Don't get me wrong, I completely understand that parenting has challenges and parenting adopted children may have special challenges. Perhaps those who are struggling with attachment issues are more likely to post as they seek help than are others whose issues are lesser. Comments? Thanks!

[caestes]

We are in the beginning stages of adoption, so I'm not an expert, but I can pass on some of what I've learned in my research. An adoption doc explained to me that the risk of attachment issues varies by region (how nurturing home culture is), age, length of time spent in an institution and pre-institution life. A child who has attached to caregivers or others early in life will have a lower risk of attachment issues. Also, the less time an orphan has spent in an institution, the lower the risk. So, a child from a loving background - no matter how difficult - who has spent a limited amount of time in an orphanage in a nurturing country may have a fairly low risk of severe attachment issues.

Also, there is a range of attachment issues - the severity of which probably depends somewhat on your own definition of "severe." You might look through the medical archives both on this site I'm sure there are other experienced aparents that can direct you to more resources.

One thing I'd suggest is to contact a large reputable agency with programs in a variety of countries and talk through your concerns with them. They would probably be able to delineate which areas/types of akids are higher risk. Perhaps you will find something you are comfortable with. In the end, there are no "guarantees" in adoption but don't give up without informing yourself thoroughly. There are way more "success" stories than tragedies!

Blessings,

Christine

[caestes]

For some reason, part of my message got "lost" when I posted it. The other site I was going to suggest is REMOVED LINK FEE BASED SERVICE.

Again, I'm limited in knowledge, but some countries that come to mind that you could explore their risk of attachment issues are South American countries (Guat., Peru, Columbia, etc.), Ethiopia, Vietnam (babies), Kazakhstan and Haiti. Sometimes with older children, I think you may be able to get some background info. that would be helpful.

Christine

[momraine]

I would not trust just what the agencies say about this. Face it, they are going to be biased, they often don't want to admit this is a problem, they want you to adopt, not get scared away, they are businesses. You don't go to a car dealer for information on how often thier type of car breaks down. I would suggest reading the attachment books. You can adopt younger children from Guatamala and Ethiopia and Liberia and Haiti, and often those children have been worn in slings as infants which helps bonding. However, even very young children and even children from those countries can have attachment issues. I would be very careful. I did turn down a refferal once because she was not used to being held. However, I was choosing my child in country and so was able to see her eyes, and see how she reacted to being held. I don't know that you can do that in very many countries. You can choose an agency that routinely gets videos and information on the child, and then find other people who have adopted from that agency or region and see if they have had trouble. Do not just contact the references the agency gives you. Find some on other websites, like this one or Frua, or yahoo boards.

[Ktates]

Attachment issues don't have anything to do with the country you are adopting from but rather the care the child receives and the older the child the more likely they are to have attachment issues (again depending on the care they received/history). When I write care I mean was the child residing in an orphanage or foster care. A child from an orphanage is more likely to have some attachment issues than a child from foster care. However very young infants can have attachment issues as well.

The key thing is to do your homework - mom is right most agencies don't educate or tell their aparents to read up on attachment. A lot can be overcome with attachment parenting - many of us on the Russia board have said - if only we did more - or trusted our gut and did more attachment parenting...maybe things would be different - I adopted a 14 month old and had some mild attachment issues. Things are really great now 18 months later - and they were pretty good all along - I just knew - thanks to people on these boards - to read some of the symptoms and address it BEFORE it came to be a big problem.

In my few years on the boards - I have not seen a ton of SERIOUS attachment issues but not sure what your version of serious is compared to mine. The big thing here is an ounce of prevention -= 1lb of cure - People who adopt from orphanages should assume there will be some attachment issues and do attachment parenting from day 1 - course that is just my opinion. But it can't hurt and can only help.

The thing is too is that many outsiders (from adoption circle - like your families) - probably don't understand attachment and chalk attachment symptoms to normal toddler behaviour - thus making aparents like myself second guess things...

Hope this is helpful - bottom line I would say is read up - pm angelkisses for some good links although some are mentioned in the russia forum. And check with your agency and speak to other parents adopting from the same orphanage or program to find out their experiences as well. Guatemala has some orphanage programs and China has some foster care programs...and remember not all orphanages are created equal either!
good luck!

[kidmd2b]

There is potential for attachment issues with any child. A lot comes down to the care center and the first family. The agency we are using has a care center with around 1 nanny for every 2 children and so even though that is still not all the love found in a home, I think that helps to keep the occurence lower than another institution that may have 1 nanny for 9 children etc. We also have to face the facts that we don't know the life the child had before being brought to the care center. They could have had the most loving parents who just monetarily couldn't provide for them any longer and in that case the child would have less attachment issues because of the love they felt before. The other side of the coin could be a neglectful first family where the child was never held etc. where a connection was never made. I would definitely talk to the agencies about what circumstance brings the child there and how they are cared for until they are adopted. I would also talk to adoptive parents who recently picked up their kids to see how the conditions were, how many nannies there were, how quickly the children were attended to etc. I would also ask adoptive parents who have had their children home for a long time what they had experienced and how well the children were adjusting. I think you have to research the habits of countries and agencies and double check what the agencies tell you with several people who have gone through the experience. Find a forum which is country and agency specific and get the low down on all the information. Unfortunately, there is no 100% guarantee.
Sorry for the book,
Cindy

[caestes]

Ooops about the paid services link. I guess there probably are paid services there, but there are also free medical archives. PM me if you want the link.

One other thing I thought of is have you considered hosting an orphan? Some agencies have hosting programs where a child from an IA orphanage comes to stay in your home for a designated period of time. I think the goal is to give more people exposure to some of the older kids in orphanages as well as an amazing experience for an international orphan. I saw a stat somewhere that 95% of these kids end up being placed - and not always with the host family. It might be a great way to meet some of these kids and help them at the same time. I think a lot of the programs are called Cherry Orchard. If you are interested, you could post for more info. on Cherry Orchard programs on this site to dialogue with some people who have done them.

Just thought you might like to consider it if you haven't already!

Christine

[2Bulgarianbeauties]

I have not read all the other posts, so this may be a repeat, but here I go anyway.

I have 2 daughters adopted from Bulgaria. The first at age 2, the second at age 3.5. The 2 year old had anxious attachement issues. She clung on and would not let go. To this date, age 5, she still hates having a babysitter. She is very clingy. But, she is attached. The second has no attachment issues. A lot depends on the care they receive in the orphanage. I spent a lot of time reading the Russian boards before my second adoption, and I started to get real nervous also. I was looking for anything in my second daughter. To the point I over-reacted.

You do need to read up on attachment, and be prepared for it, but do not expect it. If that makes sense. You need to be able to recognize a problem, but do not want to create one. I would not let the issues you read on these boards scare you away. Adoption has been the greatest experience of my life. It was scary at times, sad at times, frustrating at times, but in the end, the greatest, most wonderful thing in my life. Following is an article that might help.

Kay
Mom to 2 Bulgarian Beauties!






Study: Kids Adopted From Abroad Adapt Well By LINDSEY TANNER, AP Medical Writer Wed May 25, 4:09 AM ET


CHICAGO - The scenario is increasingly common - eager parents adopt children born in hardship an ocean away, hoping to create a cohesive family against seemingly daunting odds.

And yet, children adopted from abroad seem to adjust remarkably well, according to a new study that challenges the widely held notion that these youngsters are badly damaged emotionally and prone to disruptive behavior.

The analysis of more than 50 years of international data found youngsters adopted from abroad are only slightly more likely than nonadopted children to have behavioral problems such as aggressiveness and anxiety. And they actually seem to have fewer problems than children adopted within their own countries.

"The first years of life should not be considered as inevitable destiny. On the contrary, most children grab the new chance offered to them," said researchers Femmie Juffer and Marinus H. van IJzendoorn of Leiden University in the Netherlands.

The results are generally reassuring for international adoption - a growing trend involving more than 40,000 children a year moving among more than 100 countries, the researchers said.

"Our findings may help them fight the stereotype that is often associated with international adoption," the researchers said.

The study appears in Wednesday's Journal of the American Medical Association.

The authors pooled results from 137 studies on adoptions by parents living in the United States, Canada, Europe, Australia, New Zealand and Israel.

The analysis involved studies on adoption between 1950 and 2005, involving more than 30,000 adoptees and more than 100,000 nonadopted children.

During that time, adoption has evolved from being a "shameful secret" to being celebrated and often very visible, especially with the relatively recent phenomenon of white parents adopting Chinese children, according to a JAMA editorial by Dr. Laurie C. Miller of Tufts-New England Medical Center. In the United States alone, parents have adopted more than 230,000 children from other countries since 1989, she said.

Miller said sensationalized stories about severely disturbed children adopted from abroad have been widespread in the media, which may have skewed perceptions of these children.

In the study, behavior problems were relatively uncommon in all groups studied, but adopted children in general had more of them than nonadopted youngsters, regardless of where the adoption took place. That is not surprising, since both groups often suffer deprivation and come from broken families.

Internationally adopted children had a 20 percent higher chance of being disruptive than nonadopted children, and a 10 percent higher chance of being anxious or withdrawn. They also were twice as likely as nonadopted children to receive mental health services - results that the authors said were much better than expected given these children's often troubled early start in life.

The results might reflect the parents who adopt foreign children, said Dr. Gregory Plemmons of Vanderbilt University's clinic for international adoptees. These parents often are high-achieving and financially well-off, and tend to seek out services like counseling for their children, Plemmons said.

Children adopted within their own countries had an 36 percent higher chance of being anxious or withdrawn than the international adoptees did, and a 50 percent higher chance of being aggressive or disruptive, the study found.

These children were four times more likely than nonadopted children and twice as likely as internationally adopted children to receive mental health services. Also, domestically adopted youngsters had a 60 percent higher chance of having behavior problems than nonadopted children.

Plemmons theorized that children adopted domestically might suffer from the instability of living with different foster families before getting adopted.

[sak9645]

By asking about the frequency of "serious attachment issues", I presume you mean the sorts of behaviors that the sensationalist TV shows portray. I'm talking about the conscience-less kids who attack their adoptive parents with carving knives, molest their siblings, throw the cat out the window, set fire to their home, tell their teachers outrageous lies about being beaten by their grandfather, and so on.

These are the children who cannot live within a family, because no family can spend 24 hours a day on high alert, making sure that a child does not harm himself/herself or others. These are the children who must live in a therapeutic facility that can provide round the clock vigilance, as well as intensive counseling, often for many years.

There are such children; I won't deny it. And some, though not all, come to their families via international adoption. But the numbers are minuscule, when compared against the numbers of children who are adopted internationally each year. And in many case, these children have risk factors that parents and agencies should have noted before adoption took place -- older age; history of severe physical or sexual abuse and/or neglect by birth family; history of placement in a notoriously bad institution; history of multiple orphanage, foster care, or adoptive placements in a short period of time; excessive friendliness on first meeting; and so on.

Unfortunately, because of sensationalist stories, people now hear the words "attachment issues" or "attachment disorders", and associate them solely with children like the ones I just described. And that is a huge mistake.

Attachment issues ARE common in internationally adopted children, but they are NOT the kinds of issues that people who have seen these shows are envisioning.

There are many children who are adopted internationally, who have never learned to give and receive hugs and kisses. They have never learned to enjoy being held. They have never learned to communicate via eye contact. These are attachment disorders.

Many of these children don't need formal therapy. They need lots of love and attention, and a parent or two who will take the time to teach attachment skills. A few may need some sessions with an attachment expert, who will work with them and their parents on strategies to promote bonding.

There are many children who are adopted internationally, who have lost their birthparents and have a hard time believing that they will not lose their adoptive parents. They won't let the adoptive parents out of their sight. The new parents can't even go to the bathroom in peace. They don't sleep well unless they are in the same room as their new parents. They get separation and stranger anxiety in bigger doses than most homegrown kids. These are attachment issues, too.

Again, many of these attachment problems will resolve with time, patience, and love. Some children, however, may need professional help, but we are talking about a few months, not years, and we are not talking about heavy duty pathology.

There are many children who are adopted internationally, who come home and appear wonderfully social. They run up to the crossing guard and give her a hug. They don't object when the neighbor picks them up. They charm the socks off the waiters in the restaurant. Some of these children have attachment issues, because they can't distinguish between what is appropriate behavior with a parent and what is appropriate behavior with a stranger.

Once again, many of these children won't need formal therapy. They'll need a parent who doesn't think the child is "cute" when he/she hugs a stranger, and who knows the difference between social and attachment disordered. They'll need a parent who is willing to tell non-family members NOT to pick up, feed, or do other things for their child, because the child must learn to go to the parent to have his/her needs met. But, again, some families may choose to do therapy to make sure that they are doing everything possible to promote attachment.

There are many children who are adopted internationally who don't cry when they fall down, and don't seek help when a nosebleed starts. In some cases, these children have attachment issues, too. Many institutionalized or street children think that they have to be brave all the time, and take charge of their own problems. They don't realize that it is perfectly normal to cry and to ask for help from a parent.

These children, too, may not need therapy. These children may just need a Mom or Dad who rushes to help them with even a minor problem, and who teaches them by example that it is a parent's job to make them feel better. But, again, some children may need a little therapy as an adjunct.

I would call the above sorts of things mild attachment issues. They are things that do not "look" all that abnormal, and that can be remedied fairly easily.

Some children come home with what I would call "moderate" attachment issues. These are harder to deal with, and could have the potential for turning worse as the child grows bigger and stronger. These are the children who may rage and have terrible tantrums, far beyond the normal "terrible twos" stuff. These are the children who may not develop empathy easily -- who may not understand that you will hurt if she bites you. These are the children who may withdraw from you and others into a fantasy world or just plain apathy. These are the children who will have extreme fears, or who cannot "change gears" from one activity to the next without becoming extremely upset. These are the children who will have problems with impulse control, lying, failure to complete tasks, or head-banging. And these are the children who are defiant or aggressive.

Some of these behaviors may moderate over time, without therapy. However, it is likely that you will need to get professional help with some of them.

There are times when it won't be clear whether a particular problem is attachment related or not. Even therapists may disagree, for example, about whether constant chatter or hyperactive behavior is related to attachment. It really doesn't matter, of course, whether you label the behavior attachment-related. You will do what you can on your own, and get help if you need it.

To get a sense of the spectrum of attachment issues, you may want to look at a website such as attach-china, or to read books by attachment therapists like Greg Keck. But don't let the websites and books scare you too much. Many adoptive parents don't see even the minor attachment issues. I certainly didn't with my daughter.

Sharon

[mdaisyq]

What an awesome post Sharon!

[angelkisses0102]

The most important thing I will say is you must be prepared for attachment issues in just about any adoption. You will not know how your child will react until after you have brought them home. If you are prepared and acknowledge (and accept...which can be very difficult to do) that your child may be struggling with attachment, have an attachment disorder or be RAD...in many cases your child can heal.

I will say with confidence that the instances of attachment disorder and RAD are much higher than are posted at websites such as this. Those of us who deal with this on a daily basis do not necessarily continue to post at sites such as this...in fact very few do for a variety of reasons. I do because I want to find some good from the issues that my son had and continues to have and talking about attachment is what I do. There are groups and sites that are specifically for those parents who live in the pararell world of having an AD/RAD child.

One other thing...many, MANY parents choose to ignore (live in the land of denial) the issues that their child has...they blame it on everything other than attachment. There is a stigma which surrounds admitting that your child has struggles or issues with attachment. I don't know why, but I see it so often. In the mean time the child gets 'sicker' and the chances for healing that child lessen. And during that time, the work that must be done to eventually heal that child increases...there is nothing easy about healing these kids. Sometimes, during this denial stage...the chance to heal the child is lost and then the parent is thrust into the world of parenting a child who is not capable of attaching.

For those of us who do have and acknoweledge that we have an AD/RAD child, we see the signs of a child struggling so much more often than others. There are so many signs and symptons that can be explained away for a 'normal' child. But adopting a child of any age, from anywhere...well that child has life experiences which are completely different than you cousins baby who is her much loved and wanted bio child. Our children did not have those experiences. Many issues with the infants and toddlers who are adopted will not surface for years...typically after they have been home about 3 years or at school age. There is no such thing as 'immediate' bonding...there is no such thing as being overly attached...yet if you read the boards in which young infants are adopted, you will see both these statements over and over. Immediate attachment is just a dependency bond...baby's instinct is survival and baby knows it needs this person to sustain its life. It takes about 2 years for a healthy and secure emotional bond to form. Clingy or 'overly attached' babies are not securely attached....that is a red flag for anxious insecure attachment.

Much of my research on attachment in infants and toddlers has taught me that there may well be many reasons that some kids suffer and some don't. There is research which points to biological factors that can propel some kids into the world of AD/RAD when they are removed from their birth mother...regardless of whether or not they are then adopted immediately, fostered, or placed in an orphanage. Read up on adult Korean adoptees for some startling information. And those kids are fostered and typically well taken care of.

My son should not be attachment disordered. He was born into a family which tried to parent him for his first month of life...no hint of drugs or alcohol in his birth mom's history...no abuse or neglect...just poverty. He was then placed in a great orphanage which is more like a daycare center...great caregiver ratio, acceptable amount of food, age appropriate toys and stimulation, was held often~including while being fed...they were even taken outside...every single day. His region has the highest per capita income in all of Russia. It is an adoption friendly region. We had his video reviewed by a top IA doctor. We were told he was happy and healthy but thin. He was placed in our arms at 8 months 1 day old.

He has anxious insecure attachment. Our first 6 months home were a living hell...the next few months were simply horrible...it took him 11 long months to willingly go to his daddy without screaming...we are still healing him 2.5 years later.

There are no guarantees in creating a family regardless of how you do it. In adoption, there are more risks. Attachment and it;s struggles and issues are real. There is so much now known about the impact that adoption has on even the youngest infant. It does impact them...in some cases very deeply.

I have adopted twice from Russia...my DD was almost 11 months old, was is horrific conditions and never once showed any signs of struggling with her attachment. We attachment parented her but we made our mistakes and she was and is fine. She has been home over 4 years and has a very healthy and secure emotional attachment. DS well, I am now realizing that his issues will probably haunt him for a long while to come...

I thank God every day that we were prepared for the possibility of attachment being an issue...although nothing can truly prepare you for life with an AD/RAD child.

Yes, you can lessen your risk but you can never eliminate it completely...thus the ever popular 'adoption is a leap of faith.'

[angelkisses0102]

Here are a couple of good websites to read...
www.A4everFamily.org and www.attach-china.org are great.

Here is a very interesting article...

Bonding and Attachment
By Susan Scott, NW Neurodevelopmental Training Center

They are called unattached, or unbonded, attachment disordered, or attachment impaired. They are children and adults from all walks of life, who fail to form strong and appropriate relationships. They are the bane of counselors and psychologists, because they do not respond to conventional methods of treatment. They fill our prisons, in the person of sociopaths, compulsive criminals, and serial killers. They make headlines when they kill their parents or spouse. And they are our children.

Many people will read this description and say, "Thank goodness, I don't know anyone like that." But, chances are, you do. As with any other neurological condition, this one occurs on a continuum from the very mild to the very severe. So, lets look at some of the characteristics of attachment impaired children as they fall on the continuum.

Attachment disordered children may seem either remote or clingy or both. Parents may say of their child "He never sleeps in his own bed," or "He won't go to sleep unless he is in our bed." Sometimes they report that the child is remote and doesn't respond to displays of love and affection. Though these two behaviors may seem paradoxical and contradictory, they stem from the same root. They both result from the child's inability to receive and interpret love.

This child may appear to lack empathy for others or he may seem to be overly attentive to the feelings and wishes of others. The child's teacher may comment, "He may hurt one of this classmates and then laugh about it." He may also go out of his way to appease the people around him. Both of these behaviors result because the child doesn't have a way to know what others are feeling. In the first case, he cannot compare the hurt that his classmate is feeling to any event in his own experience and, therefore, has no empathy for the classmate. In the second case, it is his inability to know what those around him are feeling that causes him to feel the need to be conciliatory. They may be mad at him or may be pleased, but without a way to know, he must assume the worst and do whatever is in his power to prevent it.

For a similar reason these children may seem to be cruel or merciless. Because of their incapacity for empathy, they do not have the same restraint on their behavior that other children have. They may abuse animals or siblings without showing any understanding that this behavior is wrong. For them there is no link between their own experiences and the experiences of those they are abusing.

The attachment impaired child may appear exceptionally shy or socially promiscuous. ("Socially promiscuous" is a phrase coined by Florence Scott, R.N., which refers to a child who tries to win the favor and attention of almost everyone he meets, as if he does not have a clear idea of who his caretaker is.) Again, although these behaviors seem contradictory, they arise from the same cause. Because this child does not have the capacity to receive and interpret social signals, he may fail to receive the messages sent by others inviting him to participate in a social life. And as a result he may become withdrawn and reclusive. On the other hand, this same inability to receive and interpret social signals may result in the child failing to discriminate between his relationships with parents and family members and his relationship with those outside the family circle. He may walk off with a stranger while on a trip to the store, or share personal family information with someone he has just met.

Finally, this child may respond in ways that are not appropriate to the circumstances, leading people to believe that he is "putting on an act." He may operate by a set of rules that are very complex, but never expressed and he may expect others to follow these rules as well. If those around him fail to operate within his rules, he may become angry. Again, this is often not expressed. As a consequence, though, the child may feel confirmed in his belief that the world is hostile and unsupportive. The child makes his rules in the first place because he does not necessarily perceive the guidelines that we ordinarily operate by in society. Without these external guidelines, he feels at a loss and tries to gain as much control as possible in order to have security. As a result of this, he may appear rigid and inflexible to those around him.

The net affect of this condition is that the child operates as if he is living in a different world from those around him. His responses do not match the circumstances and his relationships do not form along normal lines. A picturesque way to describe him is that he interacts with the world as if he is wrapped entirely in cotton batting. The stimulus that comes to him is muffled and distorted and all of this outreach to the world is restricted by his condition.

What is it then, that underlies this behavior? The children and adults who demonstrate these behaviors almost universally have an injury to the area of the brain known as the pons. The pons is the area of our brain that is primarily responsible for life preservation functions. It is the part that we use when we feel extremes of heat, cold, pain, and hunger. It identifies threats to our life and person. And, significantly, it is far below our cortex in the developmental process, and therefore, it has no language. It is not possible to express in words the experiences that we have at this level.

When I say that the pons is responsible for life preservation functions, I mean just that. It controls our respiration, heart rate, and other functions without which we could not survive. People with severe injuries in this area do not live. Those who die in car accidents often die because they have injured their pons. The function of this area of our brain is critical to our survival.

As part of its life preservation functions, the pons is the part of our brain that perceives extreme sensory messages of heat, cold, pain, and hunger. While most of our sensory input is monitored by our mid-brain, these particular sensations bear directly on our health and survival and are monitored by the pons. If we become too hot, we will die. If we become too cold, we will die. If we become too hungry, we will die. And, if we are in a situation that is causing us pain, we are also in danger of losing our life. People who have injuries to this area of the brain (not so severe that they result in death) are often unable to perceive these sensations. Surprisingly, people with these deficits and those around them are often unaware that their sensations are not "normal." Parents and teachers might report "He's a tough one. If he gets a scraped knee, he just picks himself up and goes on playing." In a biography of T.E. Lawrence, better known as Lawrence of Arabia, it is reported that as a youth he broke his ankle during recess at school one day and walked on it for the rest of the day without saying a word about it. A person with normal pain perception would not have been able to do this, no matter how hard he tried. As a result of this deficit, people with pons injuries are isolated from the world around them. They do not receive critical information that they need to orient themselves in their environment. Without knowing that it is happening, they are being cut off from the outside world. People in this position sometimes make an attempt to reconnect with the world by committing acts of self-mutilation. For example, some people cut the skin on their bodies with razor blades or knives. Some people do an extreme form of nail biting and chew the skin off their fingers. When asked to explain why they do it, these people often respond that, "I just wanted to feel something, anything at all." This lack of pain perception affects their ability to empathize with others. If affects their ability to form relationships, and it affects their sense of placement in the world.

By means of the perception of the extreme heat, cold, pain, and hunger, the pons is able to recognize threats from the world around us. One of its life preserving functions is to identify these threats and put us "on guard." When we are in a situation that may pose a threat to our safety, our pons helps us to stay alert and carefully evaluate what is happening. However, when an injury occurs in this area of the brain, this function becomes dysfunctional. The child may become hyperalert and anxious, because the pons is working overtime and perceiving everything as a threat. Children in this position are the ones who cannot sleep alone or become hysterical at the possibility of being left with a baby sitter. Adults with this dysfunction often report that they feel a constant and undefined anxiety. They might say "I always feel like something awful is going to happen, but I don't know what." Sometimes, instead of the pons working overtime, it doesn't do its job at all. Children and adults in this position often behave recklessly and in some cases deliberately do harm to themselves, because they do not receive the messages from the pons that should tell them that they are in danger. They seem to act without discretion, unaware of the danger signals that most people recognize. In either case, the child becomes "disconnected" from the world as a result of the failure of the pons to do its job properly.

This isolation from the world is further compounded by the inability of the individual to express his feelings verbally. The isolation that is brought about by this type of injury can elicit deep feelings of loneliness, abandonment, and despair, but since these emotions originate as a result of the injury, not in response to an external fact, it is next to impossible for the individual to verbalize them. Our pons cannot express itself in words, and so the injured person if left helpless to describe the fear and anxiety that he feels. This places yet one more barrier between the individual and the outside world.

Finally, disconnection from the world can be accompanied by a disconnected sense of time. Pons injured individuals may not perceive time as a continuous flow of one minute to the next. An event may not appear to have a consequence in another time. It is no consolation to say to a child with these perceptions, "Don't worry. I won't be gone long; I'll be back in half an hour." It is also useless to threaten such a child by saying "If you don't behave, I'll send you to your room for an hour."

The cumulative effect of this collection of symptoms is that the injured individual feels that there is no place for him in the world. He may express this by saying "I just don't feel like I belong here" or "I ought to be dead. I don't deserve to live." This syndrome can also result in a deep lack of trust on the part of the injured child. Without sufficient means of receiving signals from the world or evaluating them if they are received, this child cannot learn to trust his own experiences and consequently cannot trust the world and actions of others. Eventually, when these feelings cannot be explained or justified, the child may choose to turn them off altogether. This can lead to the kind of cruelty that is observed in some unattached individuals. In an interview with convicted child molester and murderer, Wesley Allen Dodd, he said, "I don't have any feelings about what I did. I don't remember ever having any feelings."

How, then, does a child become injured in this way? Any blow to the head, high temperature or shortage of oxygen might cause damage to the pons. The pons can be injured in the same ways that any other area of the brain can be injured. So, for example, a car accident, a drowning, an illness resulting in an extreme fever, or being hit in the head at Little League with a bat could possibly result in a person developing some or all of the symptoms that have been described. However, many children (and adults) who have this syndrome develop it as a result of a separation from their birth mother in the first two years of life, rather than by some documental brain trauma. Children who have been hospitalized in their first year or two of life, usually involving surgery and usually involving having their movements restrained, often develop these symptoms. Sometimes if the mother is hospitalized and does not have contact with the child, the same thing can result. In some cases the child may be restricted in contact with the mother, and in movement, because he (the child) is in a cast for treatment of a broken bone or orthopedic problem. In some cases the separation is brought about by abuse and neglect. In any of these cases what has happened is that the process of bonding between the mother and child has been interrupted and often the child's ability to do the developmental movements appropriate to his age has also been restricted. It is very important to realize that the combination of emotional stress resulting from the separation and the inability to complete the necessary developmental activities results not just in a delay of function of the pons, but in an actual dysfunction. Function will not return when circumstances return to normal. The dysfunction will continue until it is treated. No amount of love or extra quality time spent with the child after that point will restore his emotional and neurological health until the problem in the pons is addressed.

There is a way to do this. Get a functional neurological examination and follow the program as instructed.

When a person begins treatment for this type of pons injury, he may likely experience some nearly overwhelming feelings of grief and/or anger. These feelings can be surprising and difficult to deal with because they do not seem to be in response to surrounding circumstances. It is therefore important to recognize that the feelings are arising because the treatment is directly stimulating the pons where the feelings are located, not because something is currently happening outside the individual that might elicit them. One person expressed it in this way: "Every time I get down on the floor to crawl, the tears start to come. As soon as I sit up, they stop again." Others have reported that they weep over television commercials or at any other slight provocation. Almost everyone who undergoes treatment for this type of injury experiences a similar outpouring of grief and sometimes anger. The feelings that they have been unable to express before seem to explode to the surface and erupt all at once. It is critical at this point for the caretaker, whether that person is a parent, a spouse, or a friend, to accept these emotions without taking them personally. They are an indication of important and beneficial changes taking place neurologically. The most helpful thing that the caretaker can do is listen patiently and offer support to the individual while he wades through these deep and confusing emotions. The individual may also experience some degree of resistance, both to his swelling emotions and to the treatment itself. He may complain and object to having to do the activities involved in treatment. Here again, the caretaker can offer structure and support to persist in doing the treatment every day. Eventually, however, after the flow of emotion begins to subside, the individual begins to form bonds with the people in his life with whom he has relationships. He will start to trust his own perceptions of the world and consequently be able to trust those around him. He will be able to identify and respect his own boundaries and those of others. His behaviors will changes and become more appropriate to his current circumstances.

If you are the parent or guardian of such a child, it is imperative to seek treatment as early as possible. By doing so, you can give your child a life of peace, security and happiness that will not be available to him otherwise. You may also save yourselves from years of frustration and worry over a child whose behavior is antisocial and even possibly dangerous to himself and others.

[sallyshore]

Angelkisses -- Your posting is SO important! Thank you for writing it. I will never forget going to a training to become a foster/adoptive parent 12 years ago (I already had three kids) and being told this story by one of the leaders: He explained how he had started adopting teen boys many years before. His first boy was driving him nuts: stealing, lying, fire setting, etc. so he was directed to join an adoptive parent group, which he happily did. After many weeks of sharing similar stories about the difficulties all these parents were having with their adopted kids, the group leader asked the parents to each tell their adoption story for the benefit of the newer members of the group. He was shocked when each of the parents talked about adopting their children as INFANTS, not teens as he had, yet they were all experiencing the same problems -- stealing, lying, fire-setting, etc.

At that time my children were relatively young, but his story was an eye opener for me -- my adopted son who I had gotten at just 5 days old was driving me nuts and yet no one had ever suggested he might be having attachment problems. My children who were placed with me at much older ages came to me diagnosed and were in therapy, and we worked super hard at attachment -- those children are actually better than the ones I adopted at younger ages but before I knew anything about attachment!

I believe, (after studying about this, doing attachment therapy and parenting, going to lots of workshops and trainings, and experiencing the various levels of attachment problems for many years now) that some children are just less prone to attachment problems for reasons we will probably never know. Some children experienced in utero problems that we will never know about or understand that had a huge effect on them. Some children respond much more strongly than others to being taken from their birth mothers at birth, as the parents in that support group had found out. In those days very few people knew much at all about attachment and attachment parenting wasn't really invented yet. My teens might be very different people now if I had known what I know now. It is SO important that people adopting today know as much as possible about attachment and do whatever they can to prevent or circumvent the deep attachment problems -- I'm not sure that all attachment problems can be overcome, but that's just part of adoption, I think. It's the level of the problem that is so important here.

sally

[teranga]

In reading through the posts, several people have said that agencies aren't likely to be honest about attachment issues b/c they have a vested interest in getting the kids adopted. I would say that if you come across an agency which is discussing an older child adoption (or really any adoption) without actively addressing attachment issues, I would be extremely skeptical (personally I would not go any further with that agency).

There are agencies which have entire staff dedicated solely to readjustment issues, especially attachment issues. If you'd like to PM me, I can give you the name of one agency who is very focused on making sure adoptive parents understand the potential issues, and have the appropriate support from them and any outside help they may need.

We did not adopt an older child--we adopted an 8 month old. However, I did meet many people along the way who were adopting older children from Ethiopia (I mean up to age 13 or so) and they chose Ethiopia specifically b/c most of the older children there have not been in orphanages since birth, as in many countries. Most have been there 0-2 years, as their parents have died or have left them for other reasons (extreme poverty, etc). There can always be attachment issues, so I am not suggesting otherwise, but most of the people I know who adopted older children from Ethiopia said that there was a great deal of grief for these children, as they did remember their loving families. But b/c they had loved and been loved, they did not have trouble loving again once they could work through their grief. The agency I can recommend would discuss this, and the potential for attachment disorders with you--they are very frank about it.

In fact, agencies do have a stake in revealing this information to you. If they tell you all will be well, and a-parents are not prepared, they are likely to disrupt the adoption, which is good for no one, including the agency.

Teranga.

[LoveFromTasmania]

Adoption Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections ... By Jean MacLeod, Sheena Macrae


I can't recommend this book enough! It deals with many and varied challenges faced by adoptive children (and adoptive parents!). I'm not finished reading it yet but I know I'll use this as my guide when we have our child home and I'll read it several times before then.

You can purchase it through Amazon (or wherever you can find it). It's written by Australians.
Better too much info than not enough, I say!