[fwellers]

Hello,
My wife and I have very recently started entertaining the idea of International adoption. We are in our late 40's and childless.
I have many questions. I am hoping to get started on the right foot.

I want to get some counseling for both of us to help flush out whether our motives are right for this, whether we have child rearing compatibility issues, and to make sure we understand the breadth of the undertaking. Is there a place that deals with that sort of thing ?

If we go forward, I have no idea which country to consider adoption from. My idea is that the African countries have the children who are starving to death, and it would be best to find a child from there, but I am also very concerned about getting a child with aids or hepatitus.
We are also considering china, I've heard it's "relatively" easy to adopt a younger child from their.

Is there a way, or smarter questions we should be asking ourselves to help us decide which country would be best to look for a child from ?

Any sage advice would be appreciated, and sorry if my questions may seem insensitive or ignorant.

Sincerely,
Floyd

[randloar]

Just wanted to say congrats on looking into adoption as an option to build your family. I hope that you get some good input from people here, as this is a great place to get the information you are looking for. I can't say that I have any advice that will really help you, but thought I would share some thoughts on getting started.

I can say that for us, when we got started researching, we looked into all of our options and started to collect information on as much as we could. We found that several countries eliminated themselves based on their restrictions or requirements that didn't fit us. And from the ones that were left as we learned more, our country started to stand out as the right choice for us. For us, our main goal is to have a family, so picking the kids based on immediate need wasn't one of our criteria, but those kinds of things will help you know what your right criteria are for finding the right country (could even be the US) for you and your wife.

Good luck and keep us posted!!

[fwellers]

Thank you for your reply. I do believe I've read a post you made to someone else, and I meant to ask you, where did you wind up finding your child ?

I don't know which country to look in. My two main thoughts are China and Ethiopia.

Today, I am trying to think about racial type issues, how our family would be percieved by others, and what impact that may have on our child.

I am also thinking about the fact that I am 48, so I could be around 70 years old by the time our child reaches college age. What would that be like for him or her ?

I signed up for a local seminar given by GW at the end of April. I have no idea what to expect, but I guess it'll be a start. Of course, I am trying to read all I can. I am very interested in finding good documentation of other people's experiences , I read one real good blog yesterday.

[randloar]

This is a tough process, and everyone ends up following the path that suits them the best. For us, we are still waiting to travel to Kazakhstan, and are hoping to travel for two kiddos (although that is a question at this point as the country is changing the rules on us as we speak). We ended up really liking the health care of the children there, and were intrigued by the culture, among several other things of course.

As far as the transracial family issues, all I can say is that there are people out there that will stare or say the wrong thing, but how you deal with it in your home and help these kids get their identity of who they are and what they believe in is all you can do. We have tossed that issue around as well because where we live is not all that diverse culturally. We have come to the conclusion (its a personal call, and we all have to be honest with our hearts on this one), but in our hearts, we are ready to not worry about what the outsiders (others on the street) think or say. Since you are thinking hard on this topic, I would recommend trying to connect with others that are now a part of a transracial family and if they will allow you to be direct, ask them about your questions and concerns as this could help you in your understanding of what to expect (as much as possible).

About the age thing, all I can say is if you want a family, then you should have one. I learned 15 years ago when my brother was killed by a drunk driver that we only get one go, and I would never trade in those 20 short years I got with him for anything in the world. So, its all about quality, not quantity!!! Just my opinion.......

And go to as many seminars as you can!! Even if you don't think you want to go to that country, as these are great places to meet others like yourself, and learn as much as possible about this process!! Good luck!! Keep asking questions!

[sienna5]

I am 47 and currently working on an adoption from Kazakhstan. A very common theme on all the discussions I've read is to go with your heart. At first I thought I was being all analytical, but when asked about my choice, I typically say that I was drawn to Kaz from early on.

When you are our age, it is easy to question motives and abilities - is it a midlife crisis? If I really wanted kids why don't I have them already, etc. etc. And I admire how you are approaching this issue since I think we all need to examine our motives. But for me, when I think back it all fits. And now I can see that I am so ready for having life be NOT all about me. I have so many things that will make raising a child easier and better than ever before. And I think I can retire when my child is about 14 - just think of all the close quality time that I can spend with my teenager .

Also, as previously stated, no one has guarantees. My uncle died of cancer when his kids where young and my father died of a sudden heart attack at 62 - only seeing one grandchild at an infant stage. My biggest concern is how many children to adopt at this ripe old age. I come from a large family and so my child will have a close extended family - but is it the same? If my Mom dies we are a big close group - how would it be if it was just me? But I have decided to figure out this first adoption and then go from there.

One thing I did when thinking about adoption and racial issues was talk to some of my friends children that where 10 years old and up. After all, it won't be about us as much as about how other kids treat them. I was worried because although there is some Asian population here, it is certainly not culturely diverse. It was just a huge relief to me to discuss racial issues with these kids and realize that it is more an adult issue. While I think they were probably somewhat naive, they have about 10% of their classmates that are not caucasion and they all - not one exception - thought it was just not a big issue. They were sort of clueless on why it was one of my big issues (probably verses how ancient I am).

Good luck - the right decisions are all there when we are open to truth. And there is nothing wrong with having children or not having children. Take care.

[kretzklan]

I agree that opening your horizons and choosing the country you feel led to is the right choice. Checking into country restrictions may help you narrow things down. I think that if you are feeling led to adopt, go for it!

We adopted from Russia...so if you have any specific questions on that program, feel free to PM me...

[fwellers]

Thanks for the reply Randloar. Very sorry to hear about your brother. That must be absolutely horrible. :-((
I have already taken your advice, am asking racial questions to people, and am registered for a seminar that Gw is having in my area at the end of the month. I'm hoping to learn a lot that way.
What's the deal with Khazakstan ? Is that pretty much the same as russia ?
How was your baby when you got him/her ?

[fwellers]

Hi Sienna,

Can I ask you what drew you to Kaz ?

And I think I can retire when my child is about 14 - just think of all the close quality time that I can spend with my teenager

That's an excellent point that I haven't thought of. I think I have about 18 years of working left, at least though, unfortunately. If I get a 2 year old, then basically, she/he will be raised by the time I retire. Who knows though, maybe I can retire before 65. But with the added expense of a child, probably not. I'll have to start saving for a wedding fund and a college fund also.

Thanks so much for the replies. :-))

[randloar]

Thanks for acknowledging my brother, I really just wanted to share that since losing him has helped my perspective that life is to live, and not wait for it to come to me (live for today, as you don't know where you will be tomorrow!)! Everyone has different needs in life, but that need was awakened for me at that time. We do miss him, but still think of him all the time.

A little background on Kazakhstan. The population is listed as:Kazakh 53%, Russian 30%, Ukrainian 4%, Uzbek 2.5%, German 2.4%, Tartar 1.9% and a combination of others 7.1%
Kazakh ethnicity is described as having turkish and mongolian ancestry, and the people are beautiful!! Kaz broke away from Russia in 1991, so yes, there are ties to Russia, and there is still a good sized Russian population.

Many people switched over to Kaz while Russia was having problems last year since they were able to find caucasian children there. At this point, there are so many more people going to Kaz, it is taking longer for those families to find their kids, and as you can see only about 30-40% of the population would fit their criteria. But there are so many kids there if you dont' specify ethnicity, so it depends on what works for your family.

Sorry if I didn't clarify, we haven't yet traveled. We are waiting for the country to clear us (been at the last step for 3 months now......aarrggh). We had worries about attachment, so wanted a country where the childcare is strong, and Kaz fit that well (6:1 childcare ratios, as opposed to China which is more than double that). Since that was one of our nervous points, that eliminated several countries that I am sure are wonderful, but we wanted to minimize that risk. Interesting how these decisions get made!

[fwellers]

Thanks Randloar. Thanks for sharing.
I was unaware that Kaz had a better "care" for the orphans than China. I had heard things about Russia, as far as that the children have lots of health and emotional problems, due to poor care in orphanages, and many problems related to alcoholic mothers.
Is the health a risk issue with Kaz ?
Can you get a very young child in Kaz ?

[randloar]

I dont' want to imply that the care IS better, we really just liked the idea of a lower caretaker ratio, which to us implied a better chance of being held and bonding with a caretaker, does that make sense? Guess this is one of those can't really explain it things, but it felt more right to us..........I say that because I have seen so many healthy children/babies from China that I don't want to imply to the otherwise.

I have also heard that Russia has a higher incidence of FAS.........but, Kaz only broke away from Russia 15 years ago, so I dont' really get that this cultural choice of drinking while pregnant would stop in Kaz now that they are not Russia. Guess it depends on what you believe, my guess is if FAS is lower in Kaz it could be due to a different religion that is pretty evenly split in Kaz and not nearly as popular in Russia (muslim vs russian orthodox), and maybe this difference in beliefs affects alcohol consumption?? I don't know, but am skeptical of hearing that "Kaz has lower FAS" without an explanation of why.....but I haven't heard a solid one (would love to hear it if someone knows!!).

The youngest children available in Kaz are 6 months old, they have to be on an incountry registry for 6 months before they are available for intl adoption.

[sienna5]

Hi.

Sorry - I got sucked off into some office travel and then Easter family stuff.

You wondered why I was drawn to Kazakhstan. I am not sure anyone really knows because sometimes I look at other countries and realize there are a lot of things to like about many of them.

So here are my thoughts - not really in order of importance:

• First some pictures of Kazakhstan look like some of the rugged mountains of Montana and so some of the outdoors feels a bit like home (I love to hike and spend lots of time outdoors and so I typically try to explore areas outside of cities even in the states).
• Also this is not a really racially diverse area but the largest populations of non-caucasians are asian. So I thought a child might find more people who looked like him/her.
• I liked a lot of the things I read about the baby houses and how kids are cared for - music, massages, low caregiver ratios, clean and colorful, etc. Between these things and the required bonding period, it seems like Kaz cares for their kids.
• The country seems to have potential. Of the old USSR countries, while certainly not squeaky clean, it is relatively peaceful and has been putting a lot of its oil money into infrastructure improvements. It is a country that I think I would not mind traveling back to over the years as my child wants to explore his/her heritage. The fact that it has the sites of the Russian space program seemed kind of cool (I also love outer space stuff) and is maybe something that other kids would think was cool for show and tell, etc.

So those are some of my thoughts. I hope it helps - give me a shout with any questions.

[DreamingAzure]

I see no one has responded yet to your concerns about HIV or Hep in children from Africa(or anywhere else for that matter) so I'll jump in . Children are tested numerous times (I think most are tested at LEAST 3 times before adoption is finalized) in most countries where there is a higher risk of HIV & Hep.

My understanding is that you can not adopt children internationally who have tested positive for HIV...but that info may be incorrect now. The testing is up to US standards, and if you have concerns you can pay to have the child retested to US stardards to be sure.

The children in Ethopia can come home at an early age(under 12 months usually) and are in great settings with good caregiver ratios...so are in foster homes as well.

Best of luck finding the program that is right for you

P.S. You might want to check out Vietnam too they have newly reopened program at the moment with lots of infant referrals.