[wannabamom]

did any of you feel that other than the medical condition of the baby, you were a little disappointed with the color, looks, etc.. of the baby??? Forgive me for asking such an insensitive question, but my friend got a referral of about a 2 month old, and she wished aloud to me that she would have liked the baby to be a little "fairer".

[RobynnH]

Hi Wannabamom,

I don't know about anyone else, but this puts up red flags for me. I'm sure your friend has all good intentions, but it makes me a bit uncomfortable. We haven't yet received our referral, so I can't pass judgement. I also don't know what happens when/if you turn down a referral, but perhaps you should place it to her in this way:

"You know, just because a baby has been offered to you doesn't mean it is your child, it is still an offer and you can turn it down if you think that there is another child out their who is supposed to be yours."

From all the stories that moms have posted about ignorant people in the grocery store or at the pool etc, if she herself is not comfortable with how her child looks (as aweful as that may seem, it is how she feels) then she might have trouble re-assuring her child when the time comes that they are faced with racist comments. But then again, perhaps the child was just not as she pictured through out this process and she needs time to adjust to the idea.

Hope this helps!

[DreamingAzure]

BUT...

I think many mothers both Adoptive and Bio feel a slight let down(USUALLY kept to themselves) about how their baby look at first meeting.

When my niece was born, my sister cried, first of joy, and then in the middle of it it was "OMG she has ORANGE hair, I can't have a baby with ORANGE hair!" and then it was right back to "OH she is the most perfect baby in the world". My niece was a cute baby, and my sister loved her to pieces, but that orange hair was NOT what my sister had spent 8 months dreaming about.(we were expecting DARK red head...lol NOT orange lol)

I've had several friends who have adopted from China who had responses along those same lines(they shared this LONG after they were back home and we were talking about adoption)...mainly because of all the OTHER referral pictures they had seen of little girls with fair creamy skin tones. When the pictures of their daughters came they were much darker. Nothing wrong with it as far as the Aparents were concerned...just NOT what they had been expecting.

I think we all dream about what our children will look like to one extent or another. For a long time I have dreamed about holding a baby boy from Vietnam with dark blue eyes. I'm sure it comes from the stories family friends told about the biracial children left after the various occupations in that country over the decades.

While ENTIRELY unrealistic, I KNOW there will be just a little let down when I get that referral photo and see dark brown eyes. And they will be BEAUTIFUL eyes...they just won't be the eyes I've been seeing in my dreams all these years.

I wouldn't worry about it unless this is something she brings up over and over again. If it really concerns you call her on it like the previous poster suggested.

Best Wishes,

[Kama]

I think you asked this difficult question in a respectful and sensitive way...

I have to say that, I am still in the process of waiting for a referral, but I did have to deal with this question, and after thinking about it for a bit I decided that this really did not matter. I am Polish, adopting from Poland and I am totally open to a child of mixed background, from an ethnic minority (Gypsy or Roma, biracial, etc.). To me adopting from Poland is based on my desire to share my own culture and heritage. I know children who are of African background, but raised by Polish parents or born to Polish parents, but feel Polish and I think it is great. Poland is still pretty much homogenous when it comes to ethnicity. It certainly should not matter in societies such as the U.S. where there is great diversity of ethnicities and families composed of members of various ethnic backgrounds.

Let me share another story. My close friend was adopting from Honduras 18 yrs ago and her agency actually asked her if she would prefer a "fair" skinned child and they said they could get one for her. She was completely offended by it and said no. I am guessing that agencies sometimes get specific requests of this nature.

In any case, I think even though I think it is selfish to think this way, it is human and she should do what seems natural to her.

Originally Posted by wannabamom

did any of you feel that other than the medical condition of the baby, you were a little disappointed with the color, looks, etc.. of the baby??? Forgive me for asking such an insensitive question, but my friend got a referral of about a 2 month old, and she wished aloud to me that she would have liked the baby to be a little "fairer".

[Jackobanzi]

I picked up Eloise from the orphanage 5 days ago. I had not seen a photo or anything. When they handed her to me, my first thought was, "Well, she's kind of funny looking, and not all that cute." Of course, I instantly felt like a horrible mom and started cooing and making goo goo noises to cover it up.

It took about 2 hours of holding her in my arms to decide she's the most adorable baby in the world. I haven't looked back since.

That having been said, I knew when I adopted a Malian baby that she'd be dark. I even had a good laugh when we went to the pediatrician and she said Eloise might be anemic, because "she's pale."

I think skin color might be slightly different than size of nose or cheeks or color of eyes, because it is so racially connected and such a sensitive issue for some. Your friend needs to look at that picture long and hard and decide if skin color is a deal-breaker for her. Even more so, she needs to decide if it's something that's going to eat away at her for years to come and create an underlying attitude that neither she nor the child should have to deal with.

Good luck!

[Kama]

Jakobanzi --- thank you for the story! That is exactly it -- I have known physically beautiful people who took my breath away the first time I saw them and once I got to know them they did not seem as attractive any more... I have met people who were not physically attractive but when I got to know them they were simply beautiful and then SEEMED beautiful inside and outside :-) Things that are truly important are often not obvious at first :-).

Originally Posted by Jackobanzi

I picked up Eloise from the orphanage 5 days ago. I had not seen a photo or anything. When they handed her to me, my first thought was, "Well, she's kind of funny looking, and not all that cute." Of course, I instantly felt like a horrible mom and started cooing and making goo goo noises to cover it up.

It took about 2 hours of holding her in my arms to decide she's the most adorable baby in the world. I haven't looked back since.

That having been said, I knew when I adopted a Malian baby that she'd be dark. I even had a good laugh when we went to the pediatrician and she said Eloise might be anemic, because "she's pale."

I think skin color might be slightly different than size of nose or cheeks or color of eyes, because it is so racially connected and such a sensitive issue for some. Your friend needs to look at that picture long and hard and decide if skin color is a deal-breaker for her. Even more so, she needs to decide if it's something that's going to eat away at her for years to come and create an underlying attitude that neither she nor the child should have to deal with.

Good luck!

[wannabamom]

Thank You all, for not coming at me with sticks and stones- I'm sorry to have asked that question, but seeing my friend's comment, I was a little confused, and wanted to know how to deal when I got my referral - (We've just completed HS), and have sent it to the USCIS today!!!!!!-- Well, it's true that not all beautiful looking people are beautiful on the inside, but this society goes by "Color" (though, it's not so obvious these days), and I guess, all these years of IF, etc... she didn't know how to react!!!!!-- Anyway, she's asked her agency for another pic., clearer one, and I think she really likes the baby a lot!!!!-- I can't wait for my referral and don't know if and how to stay sane after that till I get my baby home!!!!!!!!!
Take care,

[mom3times]

Sorry here come the sticks and stones
I don't think any agency should approve international adoptive parents who have a problem with color. I'm not sure they should approve a domestic adoption for parents who are bigots (and yes a color preference makes them bigots in my mind).
An example is my medium completed Asian daughter has gazillions of Black friends. Where would she be if I looked at people according to their color. Babies complexions change as they grow and that light skinned sweetie may well become a much darker skinned sweetie in a couple of years. Also parents need to realize their international adopted children are for the most part non white and as such will be treated as a minority even if they are light skinned. They may find themselves more at home with much darker friends including boy or girl friends and a bigoted or racist parent isn't what they need.

[ddhuab]

Yes, even though your agency may cater to skin tone preferences, you should be weary of depending on this because babies can darken over time (years) I think. Also, sometimes the amount of flash can me misleading as to the baby's skin color. I know my mother surprised me with the comment, "she is so light complected," when she saw the latest picture of our baby. I kind of laughed. I just figured she looked similar to all the other beautiful Guatemalan babies I see. (And I actually don't think she is particularly "light" anyway!)

I think it is good to be honest with oneself and one's agency, but everyone adopting with a preference needs to be informed about variations in skin tone.

By the way, to answer your original question, we accepted our referral sight unseen, just with the knowledge of height, weight, head circumference and that she was healthy. The pictures were a bonus, but I think all newborns look a little weird. She was actually impressively pretty except for a cone head and a swollen eye! (yeah, doesn't sound very pretty, huh?).

Good luck with your adoption!

D.

[bluedaisy]

My agency is very specific that you cannot request skin tone or turn down a referral because of the baby's skin tone. And I think this is the right approach.

[snvanvl]

I would hope no agency allows you to turn down a referral based on the color of the child's skin. If a person is adopting from a specific country they should know that some people are darker than others and maybe if this is a problem for them they should choose another country. Our children are both from Ethiopia and how dark or light they were never crossed my mind.

I will be honest though when I saw my son's first referral picture I did not think he was very cute. The picture was really bad and he had a very strange look on his face. We could have easily turned this referral down because his age was also over a year younger than we had requested but instead we chose to accept the referral. My son is adorable and has such a great personality and we are so thankful that we did not decide to turn down the referral.

Here is our son's referral picture and a picture of him now: