[polkadotghost]

Hi there, I am from Alberta Canada and am just starting to look into international adoption. We have one adopted daughter 2.5 and one bio daughter 1.5. Yeah, we're a touch busy. I know it will take us a few years to save up the money but I thought it would help to start researching.

My husband and I are right now struggling a little bit over which country to pursue. I'm leaning towards China, Russia, or Ethiopia (especially Ethiopia)while he is concerned about adopting a child of another race. He is not a racist in any way or I wouldnt' be with him. , he is just worried our child would be picked on or not feel a part of our family. He is the ultimate daddy and worries so much about our children's future. I really want to show him some good stories or some studies that will put his worries to rest. He was really picked on in school and has always been extra worried about our children being singled out for being different. I hope I'm wording this right.

I was wondering about people's experiences with other countries and which they had the least/most difficulties with. Also can anyone recommend any good books?? Thanks so much for any and all help!!!!

April

[kimmybee]

I prayed, I went were my heart was and that was ethiopia, I wouldn't change a thing. Here in the usa ethiopia adoptions seem to be going from start to finish in 5 months. We started in begining of August and were recently told possilby November to pick up our baby. Now here are some facts. Haiti is in need, but politcally I think they are instable but only 50 percent of children make it 9 years old, you are lucky if you are in an orphanage so look into that. Ethiopia is fairly easy but keep in mind that little girls are mostly adopted and little boys are left behind. The orphanage I'm adopting from is full with boys. Now china is a good place if you want a girl. see how i approached this. I wanted to find the greatest need, I don't care girl or boy so I didn't specify but that most likely means boy in Ethiopia. We might adopt a girl from china next. I plan on nursing our baby as of right now, and I too am concerned about comments and etc. but feel peace about the whole thing as I did pray about it. There are classes to prepare you online and a lot of great stuff. I want to get the book "black baby white arms", it looks like it pertains to us. My husband is from south africa and we are both white. I say go where you heart is and where you feel peace. Research, learn and be honest with yourself. I understand there are a lot of things to consider with adopting a child not of your race or culture. I'm still so new at this but I've been doing a lot of thinking and planning on how to bring Ethiopia into our home and how we can blend our family successfully it will take work and dedication but can be done. I'm encouraged with people I talk to and my social worker who has now become a dear friend. God bless, Kim

[teranga]

Hi April,
I think it's great that you're both thinking it through like this. The reality is that you will stand out more w/a child of another race than w/a child of your own race. And you will have things to deal with, and no experience from which to draw on when you do (a black friend of mine asked how I plan to talk to my son when--not if--he is followed around a store when shopping b/c the clerks think he's going to steal something. I can discuss this only in theory, while he is living it). How can I understand what he's going to go through as a black man in America when I am white?

We have 3 children--2 bio and one adopted from Ethiopia. We are caucasian. I asked myself a lot of the same questions, which I think is good b/c it allows me to think of ways to handle some of the things that will come up (making sure he has AA role models, people he can speak to about things I won't understand first hand, etc).

I'm not religious at all, so that aspect did not come into play for us. We thought it through on a practical level, and also considered where we really wanted to adopt from. As we'd both done Peace Corps in Africa, we felt we wanted to adopt from somewhere in the region. We love going there, and there are so many wonderful things we can tell him about life in the region--not just about the poverty and AIDS. So many people think about those things, but there are so many great things about Africa as well. As your husband is from S.Africa, he could no doubt shed light on some of the harder parts of history in S.Africa, but also knows many wonderful things about living there, and may also have knowledge of Ethiopia to share? To me, that's more important than having a child of the same skintone. We could have adopted from Russia or Ukraine, but I don't know much about those places, and would much rather continue learning about and visiting E.Africa than those places, so for us, Africa made sense.

I think interracial adoption is becoming more and more accepted as more people do it. I think you'll find most people are very open to it (I have yet to have an overtly negative comment from an adult). I also think many kids have issues. With bio kids, we don't know what they will be. With adopted kids, kids of another race, we know one thing which will probably be an issue for them at some point in their lives, and that scares us. Knowing ahead of time scares us, b/c we KNOW we'll have to deal w/it. But it gives us time to prepare for it as well. I have no idea what my bio kids' issues will be, and so that's less frightening. Maybe they won't have any. Maybe my adopted son won't either for that matter.

People will look though, that's true. And you'll have to come up with answers for 8 year olds who openly point out that you are not the same color and where are his "real" mommy and daddy. I've had people ask me why I decided to foster (um..I don't)., and even a little girl who asked how much he cost and if I could have chosen a different color. Any adults who hold these kinds of views have been smart enough not to share them with me, but most people are so supportive.

I don't know if I've helped at all. Ultimately, it's what you are comfortable with. I have never really considered the "greater need" issue b/c in my mind, if there is an orphan in Russia he is no more or less worthy than an orphan in Colombia or Ethiopia or anywhere else. They all need homes, it's which child's home is with you....

Teranga
2 bio kids and completed the adoption of our now 14 month old son from Ethiopia in 02/05.

[Bassette]

I have experience with a bio daughter that is biracial (AA/CC) who will be 18 soon and we have an adopted son, Guatemalan-American, who just turned 2. My daughter has always sworn that being biracial has added to her popularity and we just haven't dealt with racism,...much. There was that one time when she was being a stinker to some boys and they kept calling her names, which bounced right off of her, and then one finally said "oreo". I chalk it up to the boys being desperate to shut my daughter up as she was the one who started it, little stinker, and they were getting creamed. If anything, overconfidence has been a problem as sampled by her gall to pick on, not one, but several boys. She's not even physical, just smart and confident. Don't flame me please, that was a long time ago, and she was punished for her aggresiveness.

With both of my children I have gone to great lengths to embrace their heritage and nurture pride. I think a key to success in raising an internationally/transracially adopted child is to embrace their heritage and make sure they have influences in their life that will provide education, nurturing and friendships from that culture. I am very attentive to their environment and television programming, for example, making sure that they are not placed in a non-diverse, or all/mostly CC environment. Nor do I allow programming that has all CC actors or cartoon characters.

It's tough to be attentive to those things at first, but with consistency you become habitually attentive to those things.

Something else I did with my daughter was to place her in a daycare where CC was the minority.

Anyhoo, with effort and willingness to nurture your child's heritage, oh and don't forget HEAPS OF LOVE,...then you and your transracially adopted child will be juuuuust fine.

BTW, kids always find something to pick on other kids about, so it is just as likely that your russian born child will be picked on for having a big nose, being smart or countless other things.

[polkadotghost]

Thanks so much for the advice. My husband and I have been talking a lot and we are definately learning more and more. I am excited at the the idea of merging another culture's traditions in with our own. My family has always been very open to other cultures and loves to incorporate different traditions in with our own. My heart is so taken with Ethiopia I can't explain why, my husband's also as we do more research. I have even found some African/Ethiopian cooking classes here !!! We are just so worried about our children being hurt or picked on as we both were in school but I know you can't guard against all of that. Still wish I could put them in some kind of a bubble though!

We lost a baby boy 4 years ago so we really don't care about gender. We truly believe God guided us to our now 2 daughters (one adopted in an amazing open adoption and the other a surprize bio) and He will guide us to our next child. We really don't care, just want healthy as possible. I've always been drawn to Africa, I had an uncle who lived there for many years (actually worked at the company that flew the planes for Survivor Africa !). Thanks so much for your advice. We have a while still to save up the money so lots of time to do more research!

April

[teranga]

Hi April,j
I just re-read the posts and realize that your husband is not from S. Africa--that was another poster. Sorry about that. Anyway, the rest of what I said still stands
Teranga