[Lissa]

Hey all, Lissa your forum hostess here! I just wanted to start a thread to try to get this area a little more active.

Soooo....

Please tell us what kind of international adoption you are pursuing (Guatemalan, Russian, Ethiopian, Chinese etc.) where you are at in the process and any advice you have for anyone who is new to the process about something you have already experienced so they can know what to expect and have an idea of what kind of problems they may encounter that might slow them down.

As I did in E-pals, I'll get the topic started.

Hi! I'm pursuing a Chinese adoption--but this advice applies to any international adoption.

I started the process in June 2004 and I am currently waiting for referral--which will hopefully come in Aug. (Which means either a Sept. or Oct. pickup. I had a pretty easy time of it in terms of putting my dossier together. Only 1 real snag and it was fixed within 2 weeks.

The situation that I want to let newbies know about was the problem I had with requesting maternity leave with the university where I teach. They wanted me to either not take my 6 weeks maternity (only take the 2 off that I'd need to travel to pick up the baby) or take off the entire semester without pay. No way could I afford that! Because your adoption's timelines are not as predictable as a birth...there may be problems getting your employers to "work with you" regarding your absense. I ended up making a meeting with Human Resources, and my bosses to discuss the issue. I did a lot of research when I went in and I actually knew the rules better than the HR people--which let me tell you--worked to my advantage. Find out as soon as you can what your options are regarding maternity, sick leave and FMLA as you may need to know. And again, I did as much of the research as I could on my own and didn't just rely on others to tell me the answers.

[spaypets]

Hi, I'm the mother of a 3.5 year old daughter from India who has been home two years this month.

Our adoption took about 18 months from the day we walked in the agency to the day she was placed in our arms, but the waiting, oy! As hard as it is, my advice is to take up a new hobby or do something, anything to take your mind off the waiting. I consider the year we waited to be one of the worst years of my life (in addition to all the uncertainty about the adoption my dog and my grandfather died).

But, it was all worth it. I sometimes hesitate to tell our story because it is so perfect. Our daughter is healthy and well adjusted-- and while the first few weeks were hard because it was so new to all of us, we haven't had any trouble forming a family. DD is bright and cheerful and if she were any more cooperative it would be weird.

Anyway, I know how lucky we are -- I'm grateful, because we were ill prepared (in denial, really) for any attachment problems. Fortunately, we dodged that bullet.

[waitinginnj]

I am also mom to a 3.5 year old, a single mom. My daughter came home from Russia in October 2003, just after her second birthday. My adoption process was very smooth. I completed almost 9 months to the day after I filed my agency application. Things are a bit lengthier with Russia right now.

My advice - expect some bumps along the way. Mine was a fingerprint issue with the State of NJ. No two adoptions are alike and try to enjoy the ride a little bit. It is such a great experience.

[foxl]

Hi, I have a 4 year old, from India, and a 2 year old from Guatemala. My advice, throughout your process, is to be open to changes of plans. Surrender yourself (not to the point of being a victim of course) to the process, and go with where it takes you. It may not be where you started out for, but it will still be some trip!

We were in love with India, but for our second adoption, it was not to be -- we had envisioned a little girl from India, and ended up with a little BOY, from Guatemala ... and of course adore him, in all his boy-ness.

I busied myself reading history and literature of India (in English ;-) ) and of immigrants to America ... and then of course felt obliged to study Guatemala in the same depth ... And NOW, here we are considering another girl, this time from China. No way could I maintain this learning pace as well as raise three kids.

I love every minute and feel it is what I am meant to do. So, protect yourself from losing what you want, but at the same time, be open to changing your mind and direction when you need to!
Linda

[brandydawn]

I am currently in the process of adpoting from Guatemala. We are waiting for pre-approval that will take us into PGN for final approval. Our daughter will be 4 months on Tuesday.

My advise - go into this knowing you will have to wait (and wait some more) - be very, very patient. My dh and I began the process in June 2004 and expected it to take about a year. There may be issues and delays and you might get frustrated...it will all be worth every minute of it! I am looking forward to this moment, when I know longer remember how long it took me to get there.

Regards,
Brandy

[Shelley]

Our adoption journey began 8/1/02. Our original plan was to adopt from China. For various reasons we ended up applied to PI program, and in the end in 8/03 we traveled to Korea to bring home our daughter, who was a waiting child. We had 3 bio sons when we started the process who were very excited about their new sister, and who couldn't wait to have her come home. Ten days after our return from Korea we found out we were expecting son # 4. Surprise, surprise, surprise. Fortunately we didn't have any obstacles along the way. Well I tended to get what I called the waiting crazies. But I'd get through them.
The one piece of advice I have to offer is, IF YOU HAVE QUESTIONS, ask your agency. Go straight to the horses mouth to get them answered. I'm not talking about what kid of stroller to buy, or clothes, but any concerns or questions about the adoption, or If you just get the waiting crazies like I did, call them. They are there to help. At least once a month I call our sw, she came to expect my call. If you're not comfortable calling all the time, e-mail them. We pay them for a service and they should be willing to answer your questiobs. They might not get back to you that day. But I would say they should get back to you within a couple of days. If they don't know the answer they should be willing to find someone in the agency who does. I figured out early on our sw was new, because almost everythime I asked her a question she'd say, "well Shelley, I don't know, but I'll get that info for you.!" ANd she did. Rumors about certain things would start flying about this or that, or maybe they weren't rumors, I'd call and say"this is what I'm hearing, is this true?" (if it applied to the country we were adopting from I'd call/e-mail the program coordinator) Ok, I'm off my high horse now. :-)
Right now we are exploring our options to adopt another daughter. We will go through the waiting children's program of whichever agency and country we choose because all children need a home to call their own. Shelley

[drazil65]

Hi Lissa and all: We completed the adoption of our son on September 29, 2004 from St. Petersburg, Russia and came home on October 3rd. Our adoption took 6 months and 2 days and was a breeze (paperwork was a piece a cake due to our agency)! Our son was 21 months old when we brought him home (we wanted a toddler 12 to 24 months old when brought home), he is everything we ever wanted and much more than we could have imagined! He is very healthy and is above average in delvelopment and just adorable, we have been very fortunate and blessed. He is a joy and could not be loved more by an entire family.


Lissa, I too was much more informed on the subject of FMLA and how it applies to adoption then my HR department. I took 12 weeks off (no pay) but have been penalized for this since coming back. I would say to everyone to become very educated before your leave and do not let anyone tell you "how it works", if necessary consult with an employment attorney if they give you a difficult time just to confirm that you are on the right track. Its amazing how little your HR department knows about FMLA and what they will say when they think they know! The other thing that can make your life so much easier and your adoption a wonderful experience is choosing the right agency. That, I have noticed is the biggest difference in peoples experience with Russian adoption.

Other than that the adoption was the best thing that has happened to us and would encourage anyone to pursue it.

[teranga]

We completed the adoption of our beautiful baby boy in February 2005. We adopted from Ethiopia and the process, start to finish, took just under 6 months so it's a very fast-moving program obviously. Our baby was 8 months when we went to Addis to get him, and is doing wonderfully. We also have 2 biological children, who are 3 and 4.

My piece of advice is one I did a pretty poor job of taking myself: try not to live each day thinking and stressing and talking about the adoption while it's in process. If you have other kids (or even if you don't), try to live in the present and really be in the life you have--not just waiting for the life you'll have when the adoption is complete.

Like I said, I wasn't always very good with this. There were days when I'd realize I'd told my girls "I'll be with you in 10 minutes" so I could do MORE research on Ethiopian adoptions, even once ours was in process. That was not fair to them and did not speed anything up or change a thing with the adoption. So try to live and enjoy the life you already have w/o obsessing over what's to come (easier said than done!).

Pam

[sheliam]

I'm a single woman from TX, who at this time is hoping for a Russian adoption of a child up to 2 years; but like previous posters have mentioned, I'm not being rigid just letting the process go. I turned in my preliminary paperwork in March & had my first homestudy visit May 10th. I'm still waiting on a couple of docs to come in from that.

The thing I'm trying to work on (at this moment anyway) is funding the rest of the adoption. Trying to pull in as many ideas as possible (loans, grants, fundraising, etc).

Teranga, you are so right! Even as you are putting "all your ducks in a row", you have to take care of yourself, both physically and mentally, and as hard as it seems right now; to live in the here and now, not when you've completed the process. Yes its ok to think about it, but sometimes you have to do things for yourself and your family that have nothing to do with adoption! Go see a movie (I went to Star Wars Ep III at midnight! ), read a good book, exercise, whatever!

One last thing... read these boards. I can't tell you how much information I've gotten from them, from all sides of the triad.

Everybody have a great day, and keep the faith!

Shelia

[prechrswife]

My husband and I are in the process of adopting our first child from China. Our dossier should go overseas this month, and we hope to bring our daughter home in early 2006.

Words of advice:
1. Start your homestudy preliminary paperwork early. (We could be at least a month ahead of where we are now if we had done that.)

2. Network with others who have adopted or are adopting from the same country.

3. If you live in a very small town, as we do, be prepared for confusion on the part of government officials who don't deal with these things as often as those in larger areas. (Hubby and I are firmly convinced that we are the only people in this county who have ever done an international adoption.)

[blessedwithone]

Hi, I just read your post and was wondering what you meant about "starting homestudy preliminary paperwork early". We are just starting the process (just got the call yesterday that our agency approved us). Any advice you could give would be appreciated. Thanks!

[jenlars3]

We are in the process of adopting from Liberia. We finished the homestudy a couple weeks ago and it was submitted to the juvenile courts last week (that's a requirement in my state). We sent in the rest of the required documents to the International Agency this morning and we're about at the 'hurry up and wait' point.

I have to say that I'm glad football season is just around the corner! It's probably one of my favorite hobbies (to watch and comment upon, not play) and my son plays football as well. So my next few months will be absorbed with getting him to practice, games, running concession stands at the games, etc. Not to mention keeping up with the fantasy football stuff and watching my teams play on TV.

That said, I do think it's important to try to keep active in other things you enjoy during the wait, as has been discussed already. Good luck to everyone!

[Shelley]

There's not a lot you can do prior to signing with an agency and deciding on a country. But CHina for example REQUIRES EVERYTHING to be authenticated, so you should order birth/marriage certificates, divorce/death decrees (if applicable) right away, unless your state requires that they not be any older than say 6 months. (I believe Texas has this rule) Have references lined up so when the paper work comes you can just mail it out to them. I think NY makes you write down every place you've lived since you were 18 as part of the background check. Have these addresses handy.
You can only go as fast as the process allows you, you have to take one step at a time to be in the right place to meet your child at the right time.
That said, we just did 6 months of paperwork in one week to get our dossier ready to go to China to get our new daughter. We are waiting to receive pre-approval on a 3 1/2 yo sn's child. We were in the right place at the right time, and everything is falling into place, just like it was meant to be. Good luck Shelley

[kretzklan]

Hello - I'm brand new to the group today and have been searching for any and all support I can get. I enjoyed reading all the posts about current state of affairs for many of you. The advice is good - stay calm and live your life.

My husband, bio son and I had a failed adoption in 2001. We began the process again in April 2005. We received our referral for bio sibs - boy age 6 and girl age 3 within days. We travelled to Novokuznetsk from July 4 to the 12th. Fitting that is was Independence Day - because we certainly felt a freedom from getting over that hurdle. Meeting the children was life-altering...not just our children, but all of them in orphanage #5. My heart swells to think about our little ones.
We were supposed to return for trip 2 in early September, as you all probably know things are not going smoothly in Russia right now. We were put on hold waiting for the new data bank requirements to be fulfilled. Then we received a call from our case manager that an "aunt" had asked for information about our children. This has thrown me for a complete loop. The waiting, I could handle...but losing them (for our second failed adoption) would be too much. I am blessed to have a wonderful husband and a very active 9 year old boy at home. I really am trying my best to stay involved in life here and not think about this obsessively...unfortunately, I find myself falling into tears a few times a day - walking past their bedrooms, hearing my son ask when they'll be home. We haven't shared the news about the family member with him - too painful.
Our agency feels safe that this will pass and we'll get our courtdate.
If you've ever encountered this issue or know a story of anyone who has - I'd love to hear it! I guess I just need to know we can get through this...
Michelle

[alindy]

What a good thread! Thanks for getting it started! I plan to take all of the good advice out there- especially from the woman who found herself putting her kids off "just ten more minutes" because she was addicted to the adorable faces on the computer or to learning about her country. I have been doing the same thing and we haven't even started paperwork yet!

I am trying to decide which way to go- I'm in love with Bulgaria but interested in Ethiopia too. We are caucasian and I have been trying to be very honest with myself- try to figure what would be best- ask myself the tough questions.

ANY advice with regards to these issues is MUCh appreciated! Thank You!!!