[whereintheworld]

Hi! DH and I have been married for 18 years, and are just starting the process...hoping to bring home a little one from Guatemala. We both come from large families, and we are both the second youngest of our siblings. We are sort of in a position "between the generations", as most of our nieces and nephews are college age or older, and some are having kids of their own. We hope to sign with an agency this summer.

To date, only a few friends know of our plans....none of them are family members. We have been hesitant to bring up the issue, as we really don't want to deal with more negativity in our lives. Our families have always treated us like little kids, and we expect some to give us a hard time about waiting to do this "at our age", rather than concentrating on a comfortable retirement. (I am feeling a need to talk with my mom (who is adopted), and know that eventually, she will be thrilled for us.

On the other hand, we are seriously considering not telling MIL until we have a referral. Therefore, we really don't want to say anything to any of his brothers or sisters either (although we are considering asking one of his nieces to write a reference). I feel bad about the secrecy, but MIL is a nosey and judgemental person who likes to comment on other peoples situations and give (unwelcome) advice. I have listened to her talk about a cousin's infertility issue for several years now, and I REALLY don't want us to be her topic of conversation. I expect that we will always have issues with her using inapropriate language about and for our child...

Anyone else decide to wait until pretty far into the process to share? Will this decision be a problem for us in our homestudy process?

[Lissa]

We told our parents right away. I figured 'get it over with". Both hubby and I asked our parents how they would feel about a child of another race joining the family. We were nervous about it as they had no idea how hard we'd been trying to conceive--but it turned out exceedingly well. I know we were very fortunate in that regard. Not all parents are so understanding or accepting. I still have my doubts about our whole families (as 2 sister in laws BARELY speak of the adoption and I'm not even sure their husbands are aware!!) My choice to tell all right away was for my daughter. (I'm adopting from China...so likely a girl) I wanted everyone to have a plenty of time to accept this was happening and get all the crap out of their systems now. I'm 39 years old. I can handle crap...I don't like it, but I can handle it and will. My daughter will be a child...she won't have those resources yet to deal with intolerance. Critisicm and bigotry from family will hurt way more than the looks and comments of strangers..so I wanted to give my family time to acclimate to the idea and me time to figure out who the problems were going to be in order to protect my daughter.

As far as the homestudy. I had to have recommendations from family as well as friends, coworkers and our bosses. This may be just my agency however as I noticed my agency asked for WAY more recommnedations than any of my friends agencies.

Hope it goes well!

[DominicsGirl]

I know you were looking for people who waited, but I wanted to post because I was also concerned about my family's reaction. As a result, we talked to them before we decided which country we would adopt from. My family and I are very close and I wanted to make sure they were comfortable with the idea since they would regularly be around our child. Even though we are close, I know many of them have negative ideas about adoption and about other races and I didn't want to bring a child into a bad situation.

They have all been incredibly supportive and are very excited. They are constantly asking me questions about the process, they want to know how things are going, and when they can expect our baby to arrive. By the way, my DH and I are also adopting from Guatemala.

Good luck to you!
Laura

[Sean&Shan]

We also told our families really early. As we were experiencing fertility problems and I'd get a lot of "poor you" looks, I would quickly say, "If we're not preg. by oct. then we're adopting!" It was a great way for me to look forward to our self-set preg. deadline and a great way to turn conversations to something positive vs. something sad.
Our biography/ questionaire from our agency asked a lot of family questions, specifically about how our family felt/ would accept an adopted child. I don't know how we would have handled it had we kept the news secret. But like Lissa, our families have been very accepting and supportive, in fact- down right gleefull about our adoption news.
I was worried about my step-father who is a vietnam vet and had a bad experience there, and I wasn't sure that since we were adopting from China if he would have difficulty with an Asian grandchild. He and my mom looked and me like I had three heads, basically saying 1) That was a long time ago, 2) I'm adopting from CHINA, do they need to show me a map? and 3) Our baby has nothing to do with political conflict either now or then.
Now that everyone knows it is hard to shut me up about it and people ask for updates constantly. I love being able to share the journey with them. We have a web site up and running and people can't wait until we have referral pictures.
Just a few possible pros for telling sooner vs. later.

[Leslie]

We told everyone before we even started that we
wanted to adopt someday. I'm 41 my dh is 39. When you
study and network with the adoption world you will find parents who adopt after their children are grown and gone, young couples who could have bio children choose to adopt, etc. I would tell people the "good news" and do not leave room for any negativity. Adoption magazines and TV shows etc. are very inspiring and would be good for educating others too. Whoever is not supportive, I've run into that with only one person and I think it's personal not adoption related, will not be welcome around any of my children, simple as that. I have to remind people that we are not doing this as a "good deed" type thing for the children, this is strickly for selfish personal reasons, they are going to be a blessing to us, not a good deed. If you keep it a secret it seems like you have something to hide, and it's true some are tenative and uneducated and that will give them time to come around! Good luck! Leslie

[misoutmom]

I know you want everyone to be a cheerleader, (and they should be)but remember that you are not asking for their permission but their blessing!!
Good Luck

[ndoscoptec]

DH and I also did the Infertility Rollercoater ride for a couple years. We took a couple years to think. We were leaning toward adoption but had only been married 2 years so we didn;t fit the marriage requirements yet. Just after mailing in our initial application we went to a family wedding. My whole family was sitting there for dinner and I announced it as "good news" to everyone at our table. I knew they would be happy and supportive, I am lucky to have that sort of family.

My spouses family was adifferent story. They are Southern Mountain people who thought saying " We don't care if you even bring home a n***** baby, we'll love it" We don't see them much...........
MLH