[Rivkadr]

I've been considering adoption for a while now -- I imagine that my husband and I are physically able to have children, but it's something that I'm frankly not interested in, for a few reasons:

- carrying a child and giving birth just doesn't appeal to me
- we both have medical conditions in our family (not in us specifically) that we don't want to pass on if we can help it.
- there are so many kids already in need of good homes in the world...why bring more into being?
- I have 17 nieces and nephews already...I don't feel a particular urge to pass on my family's genes, since we've already got that covered well enough

But I worry that because we do have the ability to have kids (I assume), but are choosing not to in preference of adoption, that it might be viewed as strange by others. I'm not sure what to say when I tell people that we are considering adoption, when they ask why. It also seems like most of the people that I see posting here are either couples unable to have children, or parents that already have some bio children, and are choosing to add to their family by adopting. Is there anyone else in the same boat as me?

[CarsonsMom]

A BIG Yes! My DH and I do not have a fertility problem that we know of; we've never tried to get pregnant. Pregnancy is not appealing to me either. We at first were not sure if we wanted children. We were either comfortable in our lifestyle, or we were never "for" having children at the same time. One night my DH looked at me and asked if I ever thought about having kids...I about fell outta my chair! I said yes, and if he was thinking the same thing, I asked him if he wanted children bad enough to adopt? He said he would get back to me....3 days later he said he did. And 18 months later we are waiting for our second trip to go back to Russia to adopt our ADORABLE little boy. I never understood how someone could fall in love with a picture...I'm a walking testimony that this child was born for us and we can hardly stand the wait.

[awp2415]

Absolutely! I thought I was the only one that just didn't have that desire to give birth. I have always known that I didn't want to have kids, but adoption was always in the back of my mind. Now we are in the paperchase stage of adopting from China.

We went to an adoption seminar and my DH asked someone there that had adopted from China and had really tried to get pregnant (including using a surrogate) what they thought of us just choosing adoption instead of trying to have a bio child. And she stated she thought it was great. Everyone I have told has been very excited for us even people we don't really know. I haven't had anyone question why I am not giving birth, more why not domestic instead of international. That seems hard for some people to grasp. Have you had negative responses from people you have told that you are choosing adoption over giving birth?

Angi

[jennifer101]

Don't let other peoples' opinions stop you from the great joys of being parents...whatever process you choose!
Jennifer101

[ll_bay]

Hi! You are definitely not alone! I am adopting child #3, entirely by choice, and I actually moderate an on-line group only for parents who choose adoption first and only. In fact, I believe there are two such groups! If any of you are interested, send me a PM. I know how relieved I was to "meet" others like me.

[Kirsten]

Ditto what everyone's already said....

As far as we know we are fertile, but have chosen to adopt. For many of the same reasons already discussed; too many kids in the world already without homes, don't feel the need to be pregnant and pass on our genes etc.

There's actually a rather large, active yahoo group for those who've made adoption their first and only choice for creating a family.

Good Luck,

Kirsten

[swcg]

We are in the beginning stages of adoption as a first choice also. I do have a medical history that could possibly make conceiving difficult, but still possible. (As far as we know!)

That said, it has not been a determining factor in our decision to adopt, and we have never 'tried' to become pregnant. No plans of it either.

Hubby and I have joked and said that there's nothing special about our genes that makes us feel compelled to pass them on. LOL. But in reality, the roll of 'Mom' appeals to me the most; I am not concerned with having a biological connection to my child.

My mother has questioned my intent to adopt versus conceiving - it took her a while to wrap her head around it. She thought maybe I had some underlying fear of child birth or that she had flawed somewhere in her own parenting (not so.)

I think other people just assume that maybe we are unable. Personally, I don't care what they feel or believe, but will be happy to educate them on our decision when asked.

I was initially a bit concerned about what our social worker would say as well. We have yet to begin our homestudy, but I've been reassured by many couples that this should not be an issue as far as SW is concerned.

So nice to meet you all.

[hermitgirl]

Same here- DH and I can have kids (as far as we know), but have never attempted pregnancy. We both intend on adopting from China, and we plan on a pretty big family as well (3-ish... but one step at a time, right? ) I used to let everyone know that my intentions to adopt had NOTHING to do with infertility, but finally I'm wise enough to not care. My preemptive going about shaking off my supposed infertility could actually do more harm than good in hurting the feelings of those who desperately want a bio child. So, I let people assume what they want to assume, and will let them know if they ask.

[orbit03]

Another couple here that are adopting as a first choice. Our paperwork was DTC on Jan 10th. We never really considered having our own. My wife has no desire to get pregnant and go through the birthing process. Me, I'd rather help someone in need of a family rather than adding another to the world. I haven't had anyone question our decision, but my wife had some ignorant jerk hassle her at the gym about why she wasn't doing her duty and having her own. On top of that, he then proceeded to ask her why we weren't adopting in the US instead of adopting one of "them". She basically told him it was none of his business and that he should leave. I wasn't there, but I think I would have had a much more difficult time being diplomatic. Other than that tool, everyone has been quite supportive.

[Rivkadr]

Wow, it's good to know I'm not alone My husband and I are still in the very early stages of the process -- mostly just talking about it, and gathering data. I expect it will be a couple of years before we get really serious about it, for various reasons.

One of the things I'm most concerned about is telling his family. My family will be fine with it, I expect, as we've got so many step-kids, half-siblings, etc. all of whom are fully accepted into the family, that it will be no big deal for most of them to accept an adopted child. Some of the in-laws on my side are also non-caucasian, and they've all been accepted just fine.

But his family...I'm always reminded of that Sex and the City episode where Charlotte wants to adopt a Chinese baby, and her mother-in-law says something to the effect "No mandarin baby will ever carry the name of [their last name]." Shades of my MIL... They sometimes make inappropriate or racist comments (which greatly irks me), and since we're leaning towards adopting from Asia...yeah. I'm a little worried about their reaction. I expect to get a heavy guilt-trip from them about not choosing to have children of our own (we must carry on the bloodline! Blech. We're not thoroughbreds!) on top of whatever inappropriate comments regarding the probable race of our future children. Luckily, they live on the other side of the country, so interaction with them is limited. We intend to slowly introduce them to the idea by bringing it up over Christmas this year...hopefully if they have a couple of years to chew it over, they can get used to the idea. And if not...oh well.

I would definitely like to hear more about the on-line group for people who have chosen adoption first. Can someone pm me?

This thread has been so encouraging! I also have a medical condition that would make conceiving difficult but adoption was really the first choice for my dh and I.

Robin

[beachdreams]

Well color me happy to find out hubby and I are not alone. I had no idea anyone else felt like us. I have no idea if I could get pregnant or not and never cared to find out. We are in the process of adopting our first from Guatemala now, just had our first homestudy meeting this week. Glad to know we are not alone.

[jaenelle]

DH and I considered trying to get pregnant for a while (we weren't going to actually *try* for at least a year, though) and then after I read up on a medical condition I have that makes it anywhere from "difficult" to "near impossible" to get pregnant, not to mention upping the risk of miscarriage considerably, we figured why not just throw the time, money, and other resources we might have spent on getting pregnant into adoption? We'd have gone the adoption route if the pregnancy thing hadn't worked out fairly soon anyway. I'm glad we chose this, although the wait to get started IS driving me nuts.

[Dr_Mo]

I have no idea if I can get pregnant -- I've spent the past 33 years trying NOT to!! We're beginning our family through adoption and then will try for a biological child in a couple of years. If that doesn't work, we'll go back over to Russia and adopt an older child to complete our clan.

[piadopt]

This is an encouraging and interesting thread...and there's a similar thread somewhere on this website that's a discussion about women/couples who've discovered medical complications with conceiving/birth/pregnancy -- however, these women have decided not to pursue "medically-assisted" conception/birth/pregnancy and have chosen to adopt instead. I fall into this category, but can relate to the questions and feelings here too.

I have a bio son who's now 3 1/2 years - he survived a complicated pregnancy. We can get pregnant, but have problems carrying full term. Anyhow, being a mom and having a family is so much more than giving birth and passing genes. So, you can only imagine the responses and questions we get from people. I felt really guilty and felt out of place since I dont' fall into either the bio only or the adopt only camp. I'm comfortable now knowing that I don't need to belong to either category. Also, I've decided that I don't need to share my entire life story with everybody...just those who are dear and close. So, I've created my "shut'emup quick" nutshell versions for those care to question my life.