[Colorbind love]

Well, we choose adoption as our first choice. But, we had 3 birth children simply because the most important part was being parents...and we could give birth quicker than we could adopt.

At this point, we are actively preventing pregnancy, though we are fertile (at least we assume and act as if we are, baby is only 29 months though). There is no reason to believe we can't give birth again. But, I don't have a desire to go down that road, not right now anyway.

In 2003, we brought our oldest son home from Africa and with any luck we'll bring our third son home from India this year (summer would be preferred). We know quite positively that we will adopt again. But, we honestly don't know if we will ever consider pregnancy again. We haven't closed that door, but we can't see ourselves doing so again. Pregnancy really and truly was a way to be a mother while I waited until I qualified and would swing the finances of adoption. Now that we're old enough, been married long enough and can find the resources to adopt, pregnancy is not something I desire. Actually, pregnancy wasn't something I *ever* desired but at 21, you cannot adopt internationally and we didn't feel called to adopt domestically.

[Dr_Mo]

I had an appointment to have my birth control injection yesterday. Since I knew I'd be sitting in the waiting room for awhile, I brought along some agency information that I hadn't had a chance to look at since it arrived the day before. Eventually the nurse comes out to summon me to the back and I was getting up, some of the loose papers fell off my lap and scattered. I picked them up and then followed the nurse back to the exam room. As I waited for her to come back into the exam room, I read some more agency info.

The door to the exam room opens and I look up because the nurse has stopped dead in her tracks and has the weirdest look on her face. After a moment of silence, she says:

"Well, this is a first for me. I walk into an exam room to give a birth control shot to a woman who is reading up on adoption!" We had a great laugh over that!

[rostovmom]

I've been reading all the postings about this and always wondered why I seemed alone in my situation, somewhat similar to yours. Although I wanted to conceive a child but found out I couldn't, I was never interested in any type of fertility treatments, adoption was our first choice over any of that. But I always seem to be very alone in that way of thinking, at least with all the women I know. A couple of my friends from my daughter's playgroup, plus my sis-in-law, and posters I've read about on this list have put their bodies through the RINGER trying to get pregnant...shots, shots and more shots, letdown after letdown and still keep trying. It has actually made me wonder if there was something wrong with me that I didn't want to be pregnant enough to go through all that. It makes me sad that adoption always seems to be such a last resort: try naturally, spend years doing infertility treatment, then if all else fails, adopt. Why is that????!!!

It wasn't important to me at the time how I got a child, I just wanted one (of course now I wonder what I missed, thus my Birth vs Adoption thread :-)) But now I look at my beautiful Russian angel and thank heavens I did what I did.

[WannabeMomof2]

It is so nice to know there are other families out there like us. My DH and I as far as we know were able to conceive, but 4 years ago we made the decision for him to have a vasectomy. There are some underlying medical issues on both sides of our families and we just didn't want to risk passing any of that on. I really don't have a desire to get pregnant or give birth. I just want to be a mom. It doesn't really matter to me whether or not there is a continuation of our genes.

I just want to go to Guatemala and get my babies!!

[Genevieve]

My husband and I could become pregnant through IVF, which in the case of his particular medical condition supposedly has a rate of 100% as long as i am fertile, whcih we believe I am. For religious and moral reasons, we have decided not to pursue IVF and to adopt from China instead.

The 2 frustrating responses i get when I mention our China adoption are:

1) Why can't you/don't you want to have "your own" kids?

2) Why don't you just do IVF?

I often feel the need to explain myself. If anyone has any good nutshell answers for me I'd love to hear them!
-Genevieve

[Leslie]

Many of us run into this, there are numerous ways to answer, some say for religious reasons we are led to adopt, or the world has so many children who need a home and we have a home we want to provide, and ALWAYS tell anyone, no matter how we choose to create our family, our children will be "OUR OWN". I've even had people offer to have a baby for me! How rude is that, I could that myself if I wanted! I choose not to. Oh well, I've learned that people are not usually intentionally rude, they're just not educated on all subjects! My mother-in-law, on the other hand is rude and has informed my husband that she will never recognise or accept our adopted children. Easier on me I say! Don't have to spend any time with her! Good Luck!

[pandasmyl]

Wow am I glad this thread popped up! Here I thought I was the only human being who will adopt instead of have a preganancy and birth because I want to. My Dh had a vysectomy (not to pass on a genetic defect) but I am quite able to carry a child (as far as I know). When I tell people I plan on adopting they ask "Why, can't you have any of your own?" Excuse me, if I adopt a child he/she will be "my own". I have had people tell me that my husband and I could not possibly love an adopted child as much as a biological one. Aren't we glad that person isn't adopting since they feel that way!? So many tell me that we should have one of "our own" first. Why?? What will that accomplish? I have a deep desire to parent but never have a deep desire to be pregnant. I do get a little peeved when someone has a biological child and doesn't really appreciate having the child and constantly complains about pregnancy/parenting, but then I would probably feel the same if an adoptive parent did this.

~Sarah
(27 and waiting to adopt from China...come on 30!)

[suburbanmomgw]

I have gotten pregnant...so I don't know if my input is really needed here. But I must say that I can relate to the ignorant comments. "why don't you just have your own?" "why don't you adopt domestically?" "Why, Why, Why?" It's infuriating! But when I realized the questions are usually out of curiosity and lack of knowledge it helped me be calm in my response. Once it's clear my youngest is adopted, I also get: "Are they ALL adopted?" I feel it is my mission to educate as I go thru life. I hope many more people will adopt... because the "stigma" of last resort because of infertiliy is not the ONLY reason to adopt! May you all be blessed fully in your choice to parent!

[candkss]

I am so excited to find this thread. My dh and I have just started the International Adoption Journey. I have wanted to adopt internationally my whole life. I have some minor female issues as far as concieving and the Dr wanted to start fertility treatments. I told him no that I wanted to Adopt anyway. My dh agrees his heart has always been with adoption also. We should keep in touch like the infertility forums do. Adoption as a 1st Choice!!!!!!!!

[tenne]

My husband and I also decided to adopt rather than give birth. He has two older daughters and I've never had any children. But the funny thing is,
no one has ever asked us if we wouldn't rather get pregnant than adopt. Seems that because my husband is in a wheelchair with MS, people assume that having a baby would be out of the question. We are adopting an older child and everyone seems to agree that would be best. Good for us but definately shows a prejudice against disabled parents as far as I can see.
terri

[LiserT2000]

This is an interesting thread- my husband and I have fertility issues, but decided not to persue any big medical treatment for it. I've always wanted to adopt also, and it seems that this was the path that we were meant for. Don't let other people's opinions and comments stop you! I think that wanting to adopt, no matter what, is a great thing, and go for it!

I know what you mean about people asking why we don't just try IVF and things like that- I've gotten that question, especially because of my age. People assume that because I'm 27, I should try to get pregnant. "You're so young," they tell me. "Don't give up on a family!" After I let my anger settle, I tell them that I AM starting a family- through adoption! And that's just as special to me as growing a family any other way!

[Yelena]

I always knew I'd have kids -- partly because I wanted to, but also just because that's what people generally do. When I married my husband I took on his 3 daughters, who were 6, 8 and 10 when we met. They were sweet enough and accepted me wholeheartedly as a new family member, and I assumed that part-time parenthood (we have 50/50 custody with their mother) would be enough to satisfy my maternal needs.

WRONG! They're great girls, but they have a mom. They don't call me Mommy. And I need to be someone's mommy. I married at 29 and was "on the fence" about babies -- but a few years later, my maternal needs went into overdrive!

My husband had a vasectomy after his third child was born. When we decided to have a baby together, he was willing to have a reversal. We considered that, as well as domestic and international adoption and sperm donation. Since the only thing that mattered was having a baby that would know ME as Mommy, we decided to adopt. Why not give our love to child who already exists? Neither of us have any passionate need to continue the biological line -- we just want to love a child. Right now, we're 3 documents away from being paper-ready to adopt a baby girl from Guatemala.

[Belcaro]

This thread just made me breathe the most gorgeous sigh of relief!

My husband and I have been married nearly two years. We met and worked in an orphanage in India about six years ago, and even before dating, knew that adoption was something in both our futures. After we married, we assumed we would have a combination of biological and adopted children. I dealt with some minor reproductive problems that were easily remedied by taking an over-the-counter hormone.

And know what? Now that we're fairly sure we can have biological children, we're more excited about adoption than ever! I recently heard Nicole Kidman comment:
"I've never thought 'I want a baby in my belly,' but I've always thought, 'I'd love to adopt.'"
That sentiment just resonates with me.

When I tell family and friends about our decision, the first response is always, "Can't you have your own children?" At first, I answered with a perturbed, "They will be our own children." Now, I understand the importance of extending grace when people might not understand how to phrase such things. I try to answer in a way that makes our decision all about positives, like: "There are so many beautiful children all over the world that would love to have great parents like I believe we'll be," or "We might have biological children someday, but right now we're so excited about adoption, and can't wait to pursue that!"

The inappropriate questions continue to pour in, even before we've done our homestudy...I have a feeling we'll encounter this for many more years. Even with our [hopefully...] gracious responses, DH and I had begun to think maybe there was something wrong with us.

Thanks to all on this thread who have affirmed that adoption first is a valid and beautiful decision! I'd be interested in a group for people who feel this way, if anyone has more information.

[TrixieBelden]

I too am glad to see this thread ! I am the only person I know who is making the choice to adopt when they could most likely have biological children of their own.

When my husband and I married a decade ago, I was very vocal about my desire to adopt. He wasn't to interested in kids at that time - one way or another. Now that we are older and settled, he would like a biological child;however, he is less willing to put "his all" into the process and is thus very supportative of adoption.

My husband is just not interested enough in a biological child to go through the medical process involved with helping everything along. It is one more headache and not a sure thing. Adoption seems a very practical option to him. He sees this as a done deal: sure there are paperwork hassles and waits and delays but in the end - if you aren't picky - you will have a child or two. Not so with everything else. He also likes that we can keep working up until the travel is arranged and that we can pick gender and age and sibling status in many countries. For a man who is analytical, planned, and concrete, this process is much more to his liking.

Me ? I have just never felt the urge to carry a baby, to breastfeed, etc. The fact that we haven't had much luck either is just another indication that we are going in the right direction. I was a "save the whales" kind of teenager and this - oh so many years later - may be the only way that I can "save" anything.

My family has been preparing for a long while. They are very supportative of domestic/foster care/state agency adoption. We went that route for a while but I was so frightened by what I saw in these unloved children that I couldn't do it. The abuse. The neglect. The outcomes ..poor mental & physical health, learning delays, attachment disorder, anger management issues, hygiene issues, etc. I wanted to save these kids too. However I realized that I am not skilled enough to take on these special children. Our state does not offer any parenting classes for children with these issues and no one I know has experience with them. We would have no support system, no mentor, nothing. I worried that it would damage our marriage and that we would ultimately be doing a future disservice to these children. I am so thankful that some families are able to adopt these children but I know that we are not one of those families.

So we have made peace with ourselves about international adoption. We have also made a pact that as we age, we will adopt older American children before they age out of the system. There are many teenagers which are ready for a family and understand that not all adults are the same. This rationale and logic is just not there in smaller children and we are not yet old enough to have teenagers. So will we adopt domestically ? YES. When the time is right for us....

I know that my DH's family will be incredibly ugly about international adoption. They are racist among other things and will feel duty-bound to call our child something awful. We are breaking the news to them in the Spring and letting them know that we will have a zero tolerance for racist remarks and behaviors. I feel so bad for my DH who will ultimately have to shield the babies from this behavior possibly at the expense of his relationship with his parents. I know that his parents will think I am flawed. Every female in their family has started a family out of wedlock by the time she was 16. So they will not understand our choice at all. I can live with it and expect it but I am not sure that DH is prepared.

My family ? My mother just wants a chubby baby or toddler specifically one with that "baby smell." She wants to coo over "it" and spoil "it." She is a true mother ! My dad just shrugs. Poor guy. He has all these daughters with weird ideas and a son who is equally nutty Dad has just learned to roll with it. He knows this is not his generation and that we are very different people. So he just smiles and plays along. I do wonder how he would feel if we adopted from Vietnam. He is a veteran and still feels some confusion about the whole thing. When we were thinking of Colombia, he was thrilled. We have a strong connection to that country; but now that we are considering China, I am not sure what to expect. We will know this Thanksgiving when we visit them and discuss our final choice.

My friends think I am wacked. But they are friends. They are rolling with it even though they all started their biological families 6 or 7 years ago. They would never consider adoption - but it seems ok if we do.

Overall I am just focusing on what is ok with my DH and myself. Rolling with..and being happy.

Thanks for sharing your stories and making me feel less isolated. I am also interested in the listserve/user group/whatever it was...just PM with the details.

[Kirsten]

Here's the yahoo group for First Adopters

firstadopt@yahoogroups.com


Kirsten