[sheabear]

Hi all,
We are planning on adopting siblings. One child I would like to be 4 or 5 years in age. The other It dosen't matter, just younger then the older child. I worry about adopting an older child sometimes. Would any of you share your adoption story with me. The good and the bad. I currently have one bio child, a boy almost 6 years of age. I have heared so many stories of the older adopted child abusing animals, and other children. I am hoping it's not the norm. I guess Iam just looking for a reality check here. Thanks

[momm2be]

I don't think that is the norm. I just returned with a 6 yr old and know several families that have done the same. These kids are amazing. Are there issues? Yes, of course, and each one has different issues. Though there certainly are many wonderful older children available.
My daughter is an incredibly affectionate and sweet little girl. She is sympathetic, kind, smart, cute, adorable, atheltic, fun etc. After two months, from the outside she has seamlessly fit into her new family. On the inside, we are still working on how to live in a family - no yelling, backtalk, and learning that enough means enough.
She was happy in the orphanage, and was very sad about leaving Russia, mostly her friends. So we are also working through some issues there. Luckily some of her friends from Russia now live nearby. That helps alot.
If you have any specific questions. Feel free to PM.

[Colorbind love]

We too have a positive older child adoption story. Our son has been home 14 months now. He came home at 7.5 years old.

Is he perfect? Not by a long shot. Does he have some issues that are adoption and trauma related from his past? Yes, absolutely. We knew that going into his adoption. And, yes he's in grief therapy at this point (we don't feel he requires attachment therapy and niether does his therapist). He's only required that for the last 2.5 months and its pretty much related to grief issues from his past.

Might he go through points of high stress in his life that he desires someone to work things out with again? Entirely possible. And, I hope that by teaching him to reach out and get the help he needs to work through his emotions now that I am giving him the tools for a lifetime of healthy emotions later as well, not just a fix-it for his intense emotional needs now.

But, overall, he is an absolutely delightful child. He is strongly, appropriately attached to myself, his father and all 3 of his siblings. Actually, he's wrapped about his baby sister's pinky finger about as tightly as he could be. He's brillant and catching up rapidly for years of lack of education. He's an amazing artist, an affectionate young man. He's polite, honest, inquisitive, and amazing.

I am so amazingly blessed to be this child's mother. I am so humbly grateful for the gift that has been given to me in this young man. And, I look forward with eager anticipation to watching him live his life in beauty and fullness. This young man was so very much worth the risks, the fears, the naysayers and the leap of faith it took to bring him home. Our lives would be so empty without our son in them, all of us, not just myself by his entire family. And, his story is what the majority of older child adoptions are. You aren't going to hear and see them nearly as much on the internet because those parents aren't on the internet desperately seeking support and assistance. They are simply living their lives with their children.

[ll_bay]

We adopted sibling girls ages 3 and 6 at homecoming and it has been wonderful. The eldest has had some past trauma to work through, but never did anything to hurt anyone. Sure, there have been rough spots, but most importantly these girls are the absolute light of my life and a dream come true. Feel free to PM me if you want to ask specifics or learn more.

[sheabear]

Thank you so much for your storys. It makes me feel so much better. I guess I'm getting the jitters. My 5.5 year old son is so happy about it.

[ccmccoy]

We are considering adopting a child 3-5 years old from Panama. We have 2 bio children 7 and 1. I have concerns about their safety but also the pshycological well being of the adopted child. How hard is it on them to be taken away from all they know by strangers and taken to a country that is so different from their own? I know they have a better life here in the long run, and that we all adopt out of love for these children, but I can't help but wonder how it affects them. Please do not miss understand me, I believe in international adoption of older children. I just have these questions running around inside. I just always think how scary it must be for them. What are they feeling inside? Unable to talk to anyone about these feelings because of the language barrier. We are hoping to find a therapist that speaks spanish here in town so we can start theropy ASAP. I don't know if there is an answer I just need someone to talk to about these feelings or thoughts I am having. I hope I have not affended anyone.

Thank you.

Cheryl

[ll_bay]

I think your questions are valid, and I think the very fact that you ask those questions means you are equipping yourself to help your child through whatever issues he/she may have. Of course maybe it's because I had the same questions. And now that I can talk with my now 8-year-old daughter (she came home at 6) about how the transition was for her and her sister, well, I learned that everything you said was true for her. And that's with having been EXTREMELY well-prepared for the transition by her social worker and caregiver at the orphanage in India. Fortunately, like you we knew to expect this, and with time and love, and maybe some therapy too, things do get better, or at least they did for us. Other people may have other input, though- I'm just one woman!

[ssrita]

I was adopted when I was 7 years old along with 2 brothers who were 6 and 8. Quite a hand full. My mother died leaving 9 children with an alcoholic father. I can't imagine what would of happen to me if I hadn't been adopted. You have the opportunity to make a difference in a childs life. Children who are older and do not get adopted often wonder what was wrong with them. I have a bio brother that is living proof of that. There are many biological children that are a parents worst nightmare. You just never know.

[Colorbind love]

Our son was extremely well prepared for coming to America. We were able to call him every other week and talk to him on the telephone. And, the orphanage he was in was set up specifically to teach the children about life in America--as well as a group of adults who have never been to America could do anyway.

I expected lots of transitional issues with him. Heck, I worried about things so basic as whether he'd be willing to eat our food. In fact, I remembered quite clearly that when my own sister came home from Ethiopia at 3, she struggled with eating our food. Her first 3 months home, all she would actually eat was tortillas because it was similiar to the bread from Ethiopia.

What happened was that in *most* things, our son didn't struggle. He ate everything placed in front of him from the get-go. In fact, we had tasting parties of all the condiments in the fridge so he could decide what he liked and didn't like (likes ketchup and ranch dressing). He struggled mightily with our consumerism. The first time he was allowed to pick a toy at Walmart for himself, he took 2 HOURS in the toy isle trying to decide. The first time at Sam's club, it was like he was smoking something he was SO hyper and spazzed out. Once, I had to throw a coat over his head while he shook and cried just to get him out of Walmart (he walked past 3 stacked racks of bikes and the idea that the item he covetted so badly could be there in such abundance was just too much for him).

But, overall, the cultural issues were not nearly as hard for him as I thought. He acclimated very quickly to the US. And, now he prefers most things American. He does speak of his homeland, and he has found memories. He misses the warmth. He misses monkeys. But, the last time I served him groundnut stew (a speciality from his homeland), he refused to eat he. He likes to sniff it, but wouldn't eat it.

Definitely, I think that cultural issues are something which we need to remember and consider. But, I also think that with some love and sensitivity, we parents can ease a child's transition to the US to help them adapt and still feel safe AND honoring their birth culture.