[4-or-more-kids]

Hi.
I don't know anyone here really, but I'm sooo bummed out. I just need someone to talk to.

Tonight is my 1st homestudy visit. I cleaned the house, baked a banana cake, made the coffee. My mother stops by to drop off something for my son. My kids were at the diner with DH (thank you!) and I asked my mom to stay.

She said no and that she wasn't in the mood to meet anyone. Then she looks at me and says: Can't you find anything better to spend your money on?

I don't know how to feel. Yes, it's quite expensive we all know. And I have 3 bio kids (all young.) But DH and I agreed that we wanted more children and we're taking the 1st steps toward that dream.

My family thinks I'm crazy. I get the impression that they'll have difficulty accepting this child. They'd prefer I just make donations.

I'm following my own and my husband's heart. We're concerned. We're thinking about college and all that. But we also feel we're so blessed. And no matter what has happened to us in the past 12 years of our relationship, in the end, everything has just worked out.

I feel so down right now and my phone is ringing. (Probably DH wanted to let me know he's back and the kids are climbing the walls!)

I'll be back. I wish my mom would have stayed to see the kids for a minute. She ran out so fast. I felt like I had the cooties.

Thanks for listening.

Tracey

[najia274]

All I can tell you is that your mother and my mother should get together. They'd probably be best friends. Buck up! YOU are the mother now and need to make your decisions based on your family, your husband, and what you believe. You don't need your mother's approval anymore.

[smedf]

Sorry, I know it was bad for you but just know you are doing the right thing for you and your family and pray that she will come around. I have 3 bio children as well and are going for # 4 as we have 3 boys, wonderful but my girl is missing. My youngest is 10 and half and the oldest 19, so yes some of my family and friends (well meaning) but think I;m/We are crazy too. So just hang in there.

[JenWen]

Yeah.. I know what you mean.. my Mom says ignorant things sometimes too. I'm hopeful comments will stop once its a reality. We all need a support group for our unsupportive family members! Oy!

Hang in there. Hope the homestudy went GREAT!!

If you have any banana bread left over ... <yum!!>



Jen

[4-or-more-kids]

Hello everybody! Thanks so much for listening and taking the time to respond. It really REALLY makes me feel better!

The 1st homestudy visit went very well (except the bannana bread was a little dry.) We had the homestudy done by a private person licensed in my state. She was nice and quite patient, since my kids were climbing the walls!

Overall, my kids, DH and me were well behaved. After reading so many threads here and on other sites, I was certain there would be more intrusive questions. It seemed very basic to me. I realize there'll be at least one more visit. It was quite a nice experience and firmed my feelings even more about how much I want another baby!

DH was able to convey what he thought of me and I did the same for him. It was touching.

Ironically, I went to the supermarket after our meeting and turned on the radio that happened to be set at a Christian radio station (I never heard it before and don't follow Christian radio.) The radio discussion was about some guy named Cornealous who was told by God to do something (I caught the end of this discussion) - and to just do it even though Cornealous wouldn't know the outcome. And then the speaker related a story about how he gave up everything to follow a path he believed was chosen for him by God. And when this radio guy resigned from his job, the personnel director said, "aren't you a little scared?" He replied, "No." And she said, "Just a little bit?" He said, "No." She said, "You must be scared." And he again said, "No." The point was that even though he was taking a big chance - following the path he truly believed and not knowing how things would turn out, he was calm. And he said he was glad to have made that choice.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Just reminds me of what I'm doing now. So many people say, "Are you sure?" And I just reply, "Yes."

That's it.

Tracey

[abod]

HI ! Well I thought that I was the only one. Thankfully we don't live near my parents so I don't have to worry about it too much . BUT it would be nice to have less people look at me like I have the brains of a flea on drugs just because I want more kids. We also have 3 bio children. 5y, 3y, and 4 months. all girls, we're missing our boy. I think almost everyone thinks we're out of our minds.

I've heard a few like

Ya know..that's college money you're spending just to have another kid.

Those kids aren't always healthy ya know.

Don't you think you're going to be in over your head?

blah, blah, blah.

I don't really care what anyone thinks but it's a lot easier being around people that support us.

sorry for anyone who has to put up with this and I hope that for every person who has something ignorant or stupid to say that there are 10 more that love what you are doing

[annej]

That is too bad about all those grammas (moms). My mother would love me to adopt as many as I can. I have one adopted girl adopted from China and another one from China due in March or April. Being single I think 2 will be my limit...but like I tell my friends...you never know!!! Maybe a boy will be in the future.

[4-or-more-kids]

Thank you all again for sharing your own stories. It's nice to hear that others have some similar situations. For whatever reason, families have just gotten smaller and a few of us are pushing back. There are trade offs. Certainly, 4 kids just won't have as much stuff as 2 kids, and there will be hand me downs (I do it now.) But when I see the 3 of my kids sitting in a corner quietly playing a little pretend game or actually sharing something, I'm reminded that that's what family is about. Stuff is nice, but the people make the family. And I'm choosing more people and less stuff. That's certainly not a choice everyone will make, but it works for me. Thanks guys, and have a good nite!
Tracey

[Georgiaann73]

I was acutally relieved to read your email...to know I'm not alone. I just told my mom this weekend that we are adopting (we have one bio 2 year old) and she looked at me like I was crazy. I wanted her support, and I didn't get it. It left me sad, then angry. It's comforting to know I'm not alone in that. This adoption is going forward no matter what anyone says. I'm very excited about it.
Thanks,
Georgia

[waiting4agirl]

Glad to hear that your homestudy went well and that you are going forward in spite of yopur mother's opinion. My mother is deceased so I didn't have to deal with that but instead I got it from work. "Why don't you adopt in the states?" "Are you crazy, don't you know how many foster children need homes? You could even get paid for it." etc. I've learned not to let the comments get to me. I just mumble a polite answer like "I thought of that but this is better for my family," and go on my way.
Hopefully Mom will come around when she actually meets the child. Praying for you. Hang in there.

[Dmommab]

You are so right - follow your heart!!!! We have 3 bio daughters (22, 19 & 14 years old), we have legal custody of a 5 year old girl & just adopted Zackery who will be 2 on March 6. Now we are in the process of adopting 2 more foster children who are 5 & 2. Many people say WHY? They all ask "Your children are almost grown & you could do so many things that you wont' be able to do now with these kids" My answer is always the same although some people don't understand it "There is NOTHING I would rather do than spend time with my precious children. ALL OF THEM!!!" My parents NEVER went on a vacation without my brother (who was adopted by the way) and I. We always did lots as a family & I know that gave my parents great joy - they are both deceased now & I miss them so terribly. They both died in 2002 - May & November. I guess what some people don't understand is that people are differant - some people are happy when their kids are grown & they can have some "me" time - others would prefer to continue raising children because that is what they enjoy most. Go for it!!!!! You will NEVER be sorry. Good luck.

[hilzim]

We are in the same boat and it feels good to hear it from other people. My dh and I have three bio kids and have started the process to adopt two more from Ethiopia. Most people are very supportive but my Dad just doesn't get it. He basically thinks we are making the biggest mistake of our lives. We don't though and luckily most of our other friends and family are supportive so we just are doing what we know is right in our hearts. It is just hurtful that a father can be so weird about things, especially when it comes to children.

[metro93]

My entire family initially responded the same way. Things like, why would you do that to your daughter, please don't do that, do you know what trouble you are asking for, etc. I had a really hard time because I wanted my entire family (not just me and my husband) to be as excited as I was. I finally decided to leave it alone. God has a plan for each of us. One friend said, "why would you not adopt?" She is right. We have a million blessings to give to a child and will get double that in return. I will pray that your family will begin to let fear melt away and let love take over. Blessings your way!

[purpleLulu]

You're not alone! We have some unsupportative family members here, too. The other half don't know we're adopting. LOL. Hang in there, the closer your dream is to becoming a reality, the more contagoius your excitement will become.

[iteachtwo]

I have the exact problem with my mom! I posted it on the KAzakhstan thread. See "My mom doesn't want me to adopt!" I have decided (as a single mom of 2 bios) to do what's in my heart! I'm going to give an 11 year old girl a home, family, and future. My mom WILL come around, or I won't be coming around to see her as much. That's just the way it's going to be!

I was relieved to know that it wasn't just me who heard things like this from the people they love. But, at the same time, I'm saddened that there are so many people out there that question their capacity to love a child.

Susie