[bekalynn]

I'm annoyed. Sorry, it can't be helped.

As some of you know, DH and I are starting our adoption journey with Colombia and are thrilled! DH and I are so excited about adopting that we are telling EVERYONE! :-) We want to share our excitement with family and friends!

I was talking to a friend at work about it when a mutual colleague joined the conversation (no big deal, like I said, we are telling everyone!) and then I got hit with the question:

"Can I ask you something - Why are you adopting internationally? Haven't you considered foster care or adopting within the U.S.? There are too many children in our country that need a home for Americans to travel outside to get their kids."

Well, YES, as a matter of fact, I did consider adopting from the U.S. and the risks involved with it just scared me. End of story. I did not consider the foster care system, again because of risks - I don't think I could have stood it if I had to give back a child I had grown to love!

But I just wanted to say "Because it's our choice, that's why!"

I don't understand why people can't keep their rude comments to themselves. (I did find it rude...sorry to those of you who didn't or wouldn't.)

GRRR

OK, I feel better now.

Thanks!

[mimc]

I think sometimes that people assume that are millions of little ones just waiting for a family here in the US. While there are plenty of kids in foster care, not all are eligible for adoption, and many are special needs children. It takes very special families to adopt these children, and there is NOTHING wrong with considering it and deciding it's not for you.

We are researching adoption and are looking into both domestic infant adoption and international adoption. When I told a friend, she used the same line as your colleauge. I responded by asking her "what makes you feel that a child in the United States is more worthy or deserving of a family than a child in Russia, China, South America or anywhere else?" She was quiet for a moment and then said "oh. I never thought about it like that."

The reality is that ALL children deserve homes and families, but you and your DH cannot help them all, so you choose the type of adoption that is best for you. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about that! Good luck with your adoption!

[Sean&Shan]

It's hard when people that wouldn't dream of telling someone when, where, and how they should conceive a child feel entitled to become sideline "experts" about adoption and are free-wheeling with their opinions. Having a child by any means is a personal decision and not up for debate by casual friends or coworkers. There are equally compelling arguements for both domestic and international adoption, you don't need to justify your choice.

[Lissa]

I've gotten hit with that one too.
I've also gotten:

1) "Whose fault is it you are have to adopt?"
2) "Why would you want to adopt a 9mth-12mth old from
China...aren't you going to miss out on a lot of her life?"
3) "How can you love a child who isn't yours?"

and the ever popular statement of:

4) "You are stupid to adopt because you are just wasting your
money. Everybody who adopts ends up pregnant and
here's a list of people I know personally who went through
just that...."

Try to ignore it. Usually they mean well, they just don't have much experience with adoption is all. I have to admit though sometimes it's hard to ignore... especially if I really don't believe their questions are motivated by ignorance.
On more than one occassion I have replied with...

1) "Thank you for reminding me that I am infertile. I've always appreciated your sensitivity to other's feelings. You're such a caring person."
2) "Thank you for reminding me I will miss out on a pivotal part of my child's growing up...I had forgotten, but you with all your wisdom and research into the topic of adoption have made sure I will never forget key details.
3) "Oh that's right you're an unfeeling bigot...I forgot about that."
4) "Okay...bring it on."

But then...I'm not always the best Christian.

[LoveRiddenDad]

Domestic kids need homes, but at least most US kids will ALWAYS have food, shelter, and access to education. If you're a girl in China, there's NO promise in the countryside, no matter how smart you are, no matter how much bedside manner you have, no matter what a propensity you have for science, that you'll have the opportunity to be a doctor. (I think certain groups in the US have less opportunity, but that's another tale.) NO ONE has the right to deny access to those elements to anyone of any nationality, sex, race, ethnicity, disability, or sexual orientation, EVER, END OF STORY. Of course, that's just how I feel.

[drjeanne]

A lot of times I just ignore these comments. I find MANY people really do think there are loads of adoptable kids in America! I can understand why, if they think this, that they would wonder why we wouldn't "buy American" as one man put it to me! Lots of people don't know a thing about the adoption system and foster care.....ah! ignorance IS heavenly bliss is it not? I wish I could have my own biological children so I wouldn't know so much about it either but, this is the hand we've been dealt and we're ready and willing to take the steps God has put before us. I think we should educate those around us by gently telling them the reasons we DID choose....if you choose not to divulge this very personal information you could simply say...there are too many reasons to go into right now. I don't think most people mean any harm and, if we rebutt with smart alec comments or get upset, it only allows them something else to talk about! Let's all try to remain pleasantly optimistic in our choices and rejoice when we have our very special children in our arms! Hallelujah for that day!

I wish you all the very best of luck!
J

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

I agree with what everyone else has posted. We ARE adopting through foster care and you wouldn't believe the things people say to us:

1. Why would you adopt a foster kid? You're just getting someone else's problems?????? HELLO......kids in foster care are NOT there because of things they have done....IDIOT!!!

2. You can't save them all! No, but I can die trying LOL.

3. You dress them nice for foster kids!!!

And, of course, we're ALL asked why they're in care. I share this information if I know someone else is having a problem that I have experience with (as a way to justify my response I guess).

All sides of adoption are asked the most ignorant questions. I wish there were more people that would consider this type of adoption. There is a huge need, however, I also believe that it's your personal choice how you bring your child home! I also believe that if the system had less problems more people would consider this.

Michelle

[BrandyHagz]

The most thought provoking answer, to me, would be:

“So, you’re adopting from the foster care system rather than having a biological child?”

It’s a choice…not everyone is going to agree with the choice, but not everyone has to, just you and your husband/SO.

A lot of times, I’ve realized, that people aren’t necessarily asking to be rude, but rather asking because they have a curiosity. I’m guilty of that myself…not of the questions posed here, but of some other, equally invasive questions.

Next time someone asks you a question that seems invasive or rude, try to look at it as curiosity…they may actually *want* to know why you choose that method of adoption. Remember, only those of us in the adoption community actually know what *real* adoption is…most other folks get their education from Lifetime TV.

[Jim_in_PA]

I'll add to Brandy's comments that often folks ask questions like that simply because they know little about adoption and all the factors that enter into it. Since we collectively are more sensitive to those factors and have all be learning about them, we need to be prepared to answer in a thoughtful manner.

The question cited comes up often, too. When we recently mentioned in our "family" email group that we were considering adoption and would likely be looking for a child internationally, one of my wife's siblings asked essentially the same question. We were able to simply explain that we already thought about looking "locally" but ran into the issue that children in the 4-9 year old range are pretty much not available in our state without doing a "risky" foster to adopt. We don't desire an infant and are equally uncomfortable with adopting older than that range...so that makes the state system less suited to our journey. A simple explaination of "how it is out there" brought acceptance and we moved on from there.

Granted, there will alway be some folks that just don't get it and never will. That's their problem, not ours. IMHO, of course!

[bekalynn]

Thank you everyone for your feedback!

After I had time to sit back and think about it, I see all of your points!

I do hope it was a curiosity thing from this individual (though we aren't friends or close at all - we just work together - so let them think what they want.)

This was my first experience with that type of question, so hopefully I'll get better at a response for it!

Bottom line, is the adoption journey is such a personal one for any person that has the will to go through it all.

I've been so fortunate that 99.9999% of the people we've told have been amazingly supportive and excited for us! But there's one in every crowd, isn't there?

Thanks!

[Trying2be]

I had a person attack me and call be selfish and bitter because I don't wish an open adoption and have opted to go international for that and other reasons.

According to her, I did not want my child to know of it's past. When I tried to explain to her that I merely wanted to raise my child without the interferece of birthparents she got angry and verbally attacked me stating that open adoptions can work. I don't remember ever stating that an open adoption could not work, I just merely stated that it was not for me.

At first I got angry, then I calmly told her, that adoption is not "one size fits all" and that if she was such an advocate of open adoption, there were many children domestically and internationally that could use a loving home and she might consider adopting. This way, I told her, you can do adopting in the way that you choose. She did not respond.

[Lissa]

Trying2be,

I am so sorry you had to go through that. I got a little flack too about open adoption because I wouldn't consider adopting my single student's baby. The student ended up keeping her daughter, now 2 weeks old (and just precious). My well meaning friends told me I should have been more receiving of the open adoption process and I should have been that baby's mommy. I think open adoption is fine, but there is NO WAY I'm adopting one of my student's babies. I have to admit when she first came to my office and told me she was pregnant my first thought was she needed to give the baby up for adoption. (Not to me, but to someone else.) But soon after, because of what I learned from being a part of this forum, I ended up being a major advocate for my student. I told everyone her raising her baby as a single mom in college may not be their ideal of what a family should be, but that she wasn't beholden to live up to anyone else's ideals. My student will make her way and her family the way she sees fit, just as I am making my way and my family the way I see fit; which is through an international closed adoption. We all live our lives differently. And we make our choices differently because of that. There is no big wrong or right for this situation. Only individual choices. I am sorry you had to deal with that...but I think you dealt with it well.

[darnspacemonkey]

I love this thread. Some of my favorites are:
Why can't you have children? (None of your business)
Why don't you adopt from Russia- they will be the right color? (Honestly- this lady goes to my church)

My favorite is not meant to be anything but nice, but my aunts have all said in some form or another- "That's great and since she is from China she will be so smart!" When I try to say that is just a sterio-type (sp?) (and we will love her no matter what) they assure me that no it is true.

[bekalynn]

Lissa & Tryin2be....

I agree with you guys about open adoption. I did consider it, but when it boiled down to it, it was only because I wanted to be a mom - the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was the wrong way for me to think. I want to be a mom, but I want to be a mom in a way that fits for me and my husband and our (soon to be) family.
Open adoption is GREAT for those that make it work, but it makes me uncomfortable, and honestly, the idea of the bmom changing her mind after birth of the baby just scares the bejeezes out of me. I know that there is that risk with international adoption, but it is a very very low risk in comparison to U.S. domestic adoption. I would love for my adopted child (when I have one) to know their history and their roots - but to have the bfamily active in their entire lives - it just makes me uncomfortable. (Please note, I am NOT trying to start an open vs. closed adoption debate - just my personal feelings!) Didn't mean to get on that soapbox, but you both have great points!

darnedspacemonkey,
the comments are just annoying. (Ok, I only had one, but I am just starting, so I know there are plenty to come!) My hope is that it is just because the other person/people are uneducated on adoption - but getting too personal is definitely rude, no matter what your knowledge on adoption is! it is definitely rude to ask "why can't you have children" I hope I don't run across that one.

Bottom line, children from Russia, China, Guatemala, Colombia and all other countries deserve mommies and daddies too -

[Trying2be]

Lissa - Thanks. Luckily I am growing a thick skin in "my old age" I could not understand how she could call me selfish when I'm desperately trying to open my life, home and heart to love a child. I then realized that opinions come a dime a dozen and I can choose to ignore them or get upset with someone who has not done an ounce of research on adoption and frankly really does not know what she is talking about.

Bekalynn: Good for you to have searced your heart and realized what you really want. There are so many options when it comes to adoption, I don't see why anyone would consider any choice wrong.