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  #1  
Old 10-31-2004, 07:06 PM
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Karenanne Karenanne is offline
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Question Is having a fundraiser tacky?????

My husband and I are in the process of adopting from Kazakhstan. Last month we learned that we are required to stay an extra week the first trip. We have just enough money and were thinking about having a fundraiser so our bank account is not completely drained. I feel weird doing this but I don't see any other way of getting the money. Please help me with any suggestions you might have.
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  #2  
Old 10-31-2004, 08:22 PM
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Is it tacky? Ask yourself. If you already had children and were financially back on track and one of your family or friends had a fundraiser, would you find it offensive? I wouldn't, but I can't speak for you. You can sell raffle tickets for donated objects; it's usually pretty popular. I taught a handful of classes (yoga and lower level university) and also had a benefit concert organized with a few local bands. I think it's acceptable, but it's only my opinion.
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  #3  
Old 11-01-2004, 07:29 AM
spaypets spaypets is offline
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I'm really glad that you brought this up because I was going to post a more general thread on this very topic. In the course of a week I've learned of two fundraisers for families trying to adopt.

One family was hosting a dinner. Another was hosting an auction, and adoption event -- with other families being given the opportunity to have craft tables, and speakers from agencies.

Both families, btw, had other children (one had four other children).

As a personal matter, I'm very, very uncomfortable with these events. People don't hold baked bean suppers to pay for IVF or for their third pregnancy or because they want to build an addition to their house. I don't like adoption seen as charitable event. Adopting my daughter wasn't an act of charity, but holding a silent auction to fund it would have shifted it into the realm of charity. So, to answer your question, yes, I think it's tacky and demeans the creation of my family.

I realize that money is often an issue. I have no trouble with people doing things to raise money--selling items on ebay, holding garage sales, selling crafts at the local craft show. And if they want to mention that they're doing this to pay for their adoption in the hopes that encourages people to say "keep the change" that's fine. But to rent a hall and have a big shindig for the purpose of paying for one family's expansion--I'm really uncomfortable with that.

I just think such events should be used for families in crisis -- those facing series illnesses, house fires etc (I live in a place where benefit dinners are common) or for legitimate charities.

So, I won't be attending any of the benefits, and frankly, I think less of the families who are doing them. That's obviously my opinion only. I'm interested in hearing others.
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  #4  
Old 11-01-2004, 08:41 AM
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LoveRiddenDad LoveRiddenDad is offline
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Spaypets,

I'm glad you stated your opinion. You sound EXACTLY like my S/O and he NEVER allowed others funding our adoption beyond our first adoption. Of course, way back then, we had a bit of debt and less capital flowing in.

My sentiment is that I would do anything for some of my friends if they couldn't have a child via "natural" means. I'm not angry when people earnestly ask for help; starting out in debt isn't easy, or simply not being able to afford it, nor would I be chastised into donating. I'm also not a capitalist, which may account for just having a different feeling about it. Garage sales and Ebay are just different sorts of fundraisers in my eyes. Renting a hall for a shindig wouldn't appeal greatly to me, but to each his or her own. Rich politicians hold fundraisers and I find this asinine. Anyway, I'm not attacking you; I just felt an urge to clarify. As I stated before, I'm very close to "people like you."
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  #5  
Old 11-01-2004, 08:48 AM
spaypets spaypets is offline
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LoveRidden Dad,

If someone near and dear to me asked me to help them swing the cost of an adoption, I would certainly help. IMHO it's different to ask strangers to pay for a lifestyle choice. I'm not sure why my response to the auction/dinners is different from the garage sale. I suppose it's people go to garage sales looking for bargains and don't think about why the people are holding them. People go to fundraisers to make donations--often it's something they wouldn't bother going to were it not for the good cause.
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  #6  
Old 11-01-2004, 11:16 AM
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Karenanne Karenanne is offline
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So I guess Spaypets the answer to my question from you is that YES you think it is tacky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I do not look at adopting my son as a charitable event, I think that I need to do whatever it takes to bring him home. My husband and I have been trying to have a family for 4 years. I have had 2 miscarriages from which I have to pay $14,000. How would you feel making a monthly payment on the most difficult thing in your life?????? Well I am sorry to hear that you think less of people who are less fortunate. How would you feel if a few thousand dollars was standing in your way of becoming a parent??? My husband and I have no children and this will be our one and only chance to have a family. I just wish we are as lucky as you!!!!!
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  #7  
Old 11-01-2004, 11:29 AM
spaypets spaypets is offline
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Karenanne

If you'd already made up your mind, why'd you ask the question to begin with?

I NEVER said anything about not being willing to help someone who was less fortunate. In fact, I said specifically that I would be willing to offer help to a loved one who needed it. Perhaps you have people like that in your life who would be willing to help you create your family?

Here's a thought. Why don't you (or better yet, ask a friend to) hold a fundraiser to pay your medical bills (something that I happen NOT to think is tacky)?
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  #8  
Old 11-01-2004, 11:37 AM
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I also would find it somewhat tacky. I would think of it along the same lines as asking others to help pay for IVF. Just my opinion.

I don't necessarily see it as helping those less fortunate. You can adopt without spending a lot of money, so its a choice that was made. I don't mean to offend anyone and everyone can choose how to create their family, but there are less expensive ways and therefore, it isn't like a medical emergency.

Again, just my opinion.....
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  #9  
Old 11-01-2004, 11:44 AM
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Karenanne Karenanne is offline
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Spaypets

What is the difference between having a fundraiser for medical bills and for an adoption??? I haven't made my mind yet on the fundraiser but I am sure I am not the only one who had ever thought of it. By the way you didn't answer my questions from the previous post!
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  #10  
Old 11-01-2004, 11:55 AM
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Spaypets...I agree with your answer and the reasons for it. I also think asking for $$$ to help afford an adoption beyond the scope of your immidiate family is tacky.
Karenanne...what a set-up; you ask for opinions in an online forum where you are sure to get varied opinions and you bash the ones you disagree with. You also asked a question; "How would you feel if a few thousand dollars was standing in your way of becoming a parent??? "
Speaking as a reunited B-mom, I honestly can say "been there done that" and never once did I think I should host a fund-raiser to help keep my daughter. I am sorry for the debt your medical bills have created; I also wouldn't mind attending a garage sell or or two and recently did just that to help out a neighbor who suffered a stroke this summer. A local beautician even donated her services at a reduced rate as did a bakery. If this same friend had call to say he needed my help to off-set the costs of an adoption or a home or car he intended to buy or anything else in his future I'd have declined. JMO. Tara
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  #11  
Old 11-01-2004, 12:00 PM
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drewnsam drewnsam is offline
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Karenanne,

In my opinion, it is not tacky. Do what you have to do to bring home your child. I feel badly about some of the responses you have received. You asked a simple question which required a simple answer. This does not require a sermon made to belittle you or your question. On behalf of the rest of us, I am sorry and hope you are able to do what is needed to add to your family.

I will PM you a list of fundraising ideas. We are in the middle of a fundraiser right now. It is going amazingly well! We are not rich or able to take out loans for our adoption. This is one of the only ways for us to raise so much money in such a short time. We have received wonderful responses about our fundraiser from everyone we know. They do not think it is tacky or horrible as some will lead you to believe. No one is forcing or guilting anyone into buying anything or donating anything. They are free to give or to say no thank-you. I wish you the best!

Sam
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  #12  
Old 11-01-2004, 12:03 PM
spaypets spaypets is offline
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I'm sorry, I thought your questions were rhetorical.

To answer your most recent question--A fundraiser to help someone pay off a medical bill is to help someone with an unforeseen tragedy. It is to help out someone who has had an unexpected turn of events. You certainly didn't plan to have such complications. People are willing to help out neighbors (even ones they don't know) who are burdened by medical bills. They are less likely to help you have a baby (whether by birth or adoption).

Choosing to adopt internationally is exactly that, a choice. IMHO, I think it's inappropriate to ask strangers to participate in a fundraiser so you can choose to adopt. It inevitably leads one to the question "if you can't afford the adoption, can you afford the child?" And if I, an adoptive mother, thinks a fundraiser is in poor taste, how do you think people who are less vested in adoption may react?

To answer your other questions--I imagine it's unpleasant to have to make monthly payments on something so upsetting. I hope you now have health insurance.

As Lorraine pointed out, you could adopt for free, but you've _chosen_ to adopt from overseas. That's fine, I understand the many reasons for that choice--it was my choice too.

Also, there are other ways to save/raise money without holding a fundraiser. Getting a second job, canceling cell phone, internet, cable, selling your belongings, refinancing your house, getting rid of a car, raising your insurance deductables are all ways to raise a few thousand extra dollars without asking strangers to come to a fundraiser.
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  #13  
Old 11-01-2004, 12:23 PM
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Karenanne Karenanne is offline
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Spaypets, Wow you sound like you are just more fianancially better off them I am. My husband and I did have health insurance but it did not cover fertility treatments. I am unable to work two jobs because I have a heart condition and my husband works very hard with one job. I also was not planning to ask strangers to attend our fundraiser. I think it is also pretty difficult to adopt at NO CHARGE.
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  #14  
Old 11-01-2004, 12:28 PM
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Lorraine123 Lorraine123 is offline
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It is not at all difficult to adopt at no charge. I have done it. And so have many others on this forum.

What spaypets is saying (I think - don't want to speak for her), is that one thing is a choice (adoption internationally); the other is not a choice (a medical emergency). There is a difference.

I think you have unnecessarily jumped on Spaypets for voicing her opinion. You asked for opinions and she gave it. Sorry that not everyone gave the answer you were looking for.

It has nothing to do with being well off financially. You made a choice. Thats all. International adoption is expensive. Thats a fact. Whether thats fair or not isn't relevant.
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  #15  
Old 11-01-2004, 12:39 PM
spaypets spaypets is offline
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Thanks, Lorraine, that's exactly what I'm trying to say.
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