[annie2]

I'm hoping someone can help me and give me some advice. My husband and I were all set to adopt from Korea (little girl - we have 3 bio little boys). We had not started the process but had pretty much decided on an agency and knew we wanted Korea. Then we think I had an early misscarriage. We were not trying so were totally thrown. We kind of got over that and were actively researching adoption again and were once again thrown by some of the posts we have read in the adoptees forum. It seems as though a great number of adoptees did not have a good experience and never felt as though they belonged. Even though some said they had great afamilies, they still felt different and alone. Some Korean adoptees in particular voiced this opinion. It would apsolutely crush me if my adoptive daughter grew up to feel this way. I would love her as much as my bio children, but in some cases, that doesn't seem to be enough. If anyone can offer any advice or share any experiences, I would greatly appreciate it. We are very torn and don't now know what to do. Thank you, Annie

[RenaPCruz]

If you have a prospective agency in mind, try to call/email them and ask then your concern, if possible, attend an orientation meeting or any meeting that would talk about general issues about adoption, that will enlighten you, if adoption is for you or not.

Good Luck

[lewellen]

Just a thought from an adoptee. You said you have bio-kids, are they going to grow up and see you as perfect? No probably not, chances are they'll love you respect you, and think you could have done some things differently. I see no reason an adopted child would not feel the same. It seems that negative experience gets more attention than positive on this board. When you say my adoptive parents were good parents and did everything they could to raise me well, you don't get much attention. That's okay, the vast majority of us don't need it. We're okay.

I come from a home of bio and adopted kids. Though some of us veiw our parents differently than others, It doesn't divide by bio and adopted.

What I'm saying here is alot of adoptees that have problems, may have had problems if raised by bio-parents. Don't get too worked up about it. If your heart is in the right place, yes your adoptee will be different, but probably not in a bad way.

LewEllen

[spaypets]

I think it's important to remember two things...first adoptees who are absolutely happy and comfortable don't usually frequent message boards, so you may not be getting an accurate read.

Secondly, the adoptees who are now adults were adopted during a different time. Very often their families made no attempt to integrate Korean culture into their homes. They knew no other families that looked like them because there were fewer interracial adoptions. As a result, a lot of these children felt very different.

It is my fervent hope that times are now different. There are many more support groups for families who have adopted internationally. There is more effort being made to integrate the children's birth culture into the family culture. Children have more opportunity to see families that look like them, and participate in culture camps and language classes.

If you are willing to support this--first, to travel to Korea to get your daughter, to seek out the Korean community in your town, to observe some Korean traditions, cook Korean food occasionally, join with other Korean adoptive families, visit Korea when your daughter is older--then you will likely minimize the identity problems that sometimes happen. That's not to say they won't exist--so much of this depends on temperment.

Good luck in your decision.

[mattmiamom]

Please don't let a few disgruntled adoptees on a message board change your mind about adopting. I know alot of well adjusted happy adopted children and some not so happy.....just as there are happy and not so happy bio-children. When I was a teenager, like many of my peers thought my parents were wrong most of the time. However, like most adults I now realize they were not only right but were saints for putting up with me.

Speak with the agency about your fears and ask if they could have some older adoptees or their parents contact you.

Being a Parent is tough job whether you become one by adoption or not. You do the best you can to guide and love your children and hope they become happy, healthy, well-adjusted adults.

Good luck with you decision.

Susan
Mom to Matt (7) and Mia (4) both Korean Adoptees

[goma]

Annie... I do not have much experience with adoption, but what I have seen and heard from families that have adopted... is kind of the same thing that lewellen said.

I thing you can not apply a general rule to all adopted children, also, bio and adopted sons or daugthers have different personalities, problems etc that do not depend mainly on the fact of adoption.

My brother in law has 6 bio brothers and 1 adopted. I can tell from that experience that they have never had any problem, the adopted brother has never felt alone or different,,, there is a bio brother though that has had that feeling!

[annie2]

Thank you both for replying. These sorts of stories do make me feel better. Thank you again. Annie

[wrekdiver]

My dh was adopted. His parents had 2 bio brothers. They were like any other family of brothers-they fought with each other and sometimes for each other. His parents never discussed his adoption with him (of course, times have changed now) and he learned it from his aunt. He isn't ashamed of his beginnings but he never brings it up either. He says it doesn't matter to him...his parents are his adopted mother and father and nothing will ever change that.
My brother-in-law comes from a family of 10 children!! 4 bio and 6 foster/adopted children. His was a mixed family of whites, blacks, and mixed races. But when you see them together all you see is family. Each of the children went through their rebellious teenage years. A few of the children did dig deep to find their heritage and where they fit in the world but now they are all grown up and happy memories are the glue that holds them all together. Unfortunately, 2 of the children strayed from the family as they grew up but I think that could happen to any family.
Talking to your agency about your concerns will help tremendously as well as getting togther with other families that have adopted from Korea. It would be a good support group for your daughter as well, if she ever felt like she was the only adopted girl.
anyway good luck

[annie2]

Thank you Annie

[1bob1]

Hi Annie,

It seems you have quite a few positive adoption stories, but allow me to supply one more.

I was adopted (by my dad, my mother is my bio mother) at 9 years old.

Without a detail of my life, let me just say that my dad is a amazing father and always has been. There were hard times, sure, but I always knew that he loved me, and I never felt alone or different. I felt like a child who was loved, and when you feel like that, you can deal with almost anything.

I'm not saying I have all the answers, or that other people's experiences aren't valid. I'm just supplying my own for you to reference.

I think parenting is a lot like anything else, you get out what you put in. There are no certains in the world, but if you build a home with a lot of love and support, there is every reason to believe that your children, adopted or not, will thrive in it.

Good luck.

[annie2]

Thank you so much 1bob1 . Your story as well as others really does help. Annie

[celebrin]

Hi Annie,

I've been lurking for weeks now and your post finally got me to join.

My DH is an adoptee. His parents were always open with him about his adoption. One of my MIL's favorite stories about DH growing up is how, when his cousin was teasing him because he wasn't a "real" cousin, my dh shot back.

"Oh yeah, well my parents CHOSE me. Your parents were STUCK with you!" Followed by a fist to the jaw. My MIL wanted to applaud him but she had to scold him for hitting.

Anyway, my dh gets crazy when he hears about people who blame everything that went wrong in their lives on the fact that they were adopted. Yes there are things his parents didn't do right, but that's the same with birth parents. He got lucky and so did his parents.

Just letting you know the other sides

[annie2]

Hi celebrin. Thank you so much for your post. What a great story! I would have had a hard time scoulding him as well!!! Anyway, thanks again I do think I have now read more positive posts than negative ones. Although there is always room for more. Thank you all sooooo much. Annie