[Missy M]

Hi ! I am Missy M; bio-mom to a 32year old reunited daughter and only mom to 3 other grown kids. I have a question that I want answered and I am hoping no one is offended by it.
I am constantly amazed by the number of families who are able to concieve and already have bio-kids who say they are adopting, and more importantly adopting kids internationally. Why would someone who doesn't "have" to adopt to have a family do so?
I just think of the expense and leg-work (for lack of a better term) involved, the possible disappointment that may occur and I often wonder why. I think of the adjustments, the travel involved and even the language barriers. I asked this question of a-moms seeking "special-needs" adoption and Lucyjoy answered beautifully.
BTW: I am not asking this questions of families that have problems concieving or first time moms; I am asking why adopt if you already have kids and could maybe have more biologically if you so desired? (its costs so little to do it that way; 2 candles, a bottle of wine, a Luther Vandross tape and BINGO!) and its also kinda fun...LOL) Seriously, can anyone offer me some insight, please? Thanks....Missy M

ps>>>this is in no way a judgement call; I am just wondering what motivates you.

[kay72]

Missy M,
That's a question my DH and I have asked ourselves, and I'm sure when we're knee-deep in paperwork, the wine/Vandross/candles option will seem much more practical! But, we want more children--and the need of parents for existing children is so great, that this reason alone seemed to make the most sense. And, unless you're a person of faith, the following reason will probably make you roll your eyes: My husband and I spent a lot of time in prayer regarding this issue. We both feel in our heart of hearts that God has said "China" is where we need to go for our child. Yes, the "natural" way is probably cheaper, tons more fun (at least in the beginning!;-) ), and easier on the nerves! However, I really think the adding by adoption to our family is going to add a dimension to our family that we will never regret. You haven't implied this at all, but I want to say that I never think of any of my children and wish we'd never decided to concieve them. Conversely, I will never think of my adopted child, "I wish we never would've made the decision to adopt you." We don't have our heads in the clouds regarding adjustments--I know difficult days lie ahead. But I realize that our "homegrown" kids could very easily be the source of heartache in the future, as could our adopted children. The Bible says that God's grace is "sufficient"--enough--to get us through anything, and I cling to that hope. I hope my answer hasn't been offensive to you in any way.
Blessings,
Kay

[spaypets]

There are lots of people who, being concerned about global overpopulation, choose to have two or fewer bio children. Those same people may yearn for a bigger family and choose to grow it through adoption--helping a child who is already born.

Also, I know several families with all boys who want a daughter and choose to adopt one. The reverse I'm sure is true.

And, just because a couple was able to conceive some children doesn't mean they don't have secondary infertility.

[Missy M]

Originally posted by spaypets
There are lots of people who, being concerned about global overpopulation, choose to have two or fewer bio children. Those same people may yearn for a bigger family and choose to grow it through adoption--helping a child who is already born.

Also, I know several families with all boys who want a daughter and choose to adopt one. The reverse I'm sure is true.

And, just because a couple was able to conceive some children doesn't mean they don't have secondary infertility.

Thanks for answering, both of you. I can understand it better with your thoughts in mind; I also know about the secondary infertility issues, I am a Licensed Midwife and I own a Birthing Center in Dallas. I attempted to exclude those issues with my question.
For Kay, I can really understand why you would consider doing it now.... its just something I often wondered about. I guess I haven't been in the posistion of ever yearning for a larger family although when our youngest was about 12 my d/h did. Luckily we discovered we were grandparents -to- be before we answered his call....and I feel that WAS the answer to my prayer.....Missy M

[sak9645]

... that many people decide that adding one to their own home is an appropriate thing to do.

They are not choosing adoption to "save" a child. They are choosing adoption because they love and want children, and figure that since they've already gone the bio route, they don't need to satisfy themselves that their plumbing works.

To me, it makes total sense! They get another great child, and the child gets a wonderful family. It's a win-win situation.


Sharon
Single Mom to one wonderful daughter from China
but acquainted with lots of families with both bio and adopted kids.

[suburbanmomgw]

I agree. I have 2 bio children and in 2 weeks will have our little Russian boy. I am so excited. For us, spiritual motivation was definitely a factor. God asks us to "look after orphans and widows" and to have compassion on others. I don't consider us "saving" a child, but loving a child. Many others reasons also come out in our case. I have a tailbone problem that is very painful during pregnancy and delivery. I also feel that I have a loving and stable home to offer a child who would never otherwise know that. We chose Russia for many reasons as well...after much research. Yes, it is a long and sometimes very frustrating process--not to mention expensive... but I have no doubt that we are doing the right thing. I think that all adoption stories are different, but the heart to love a child is universal.

[FLMomma]

We are just beginning to really look into this, so I do not speak from the experience of an adoptive parent.

We have absolutely no fertility issues, and I have very easy pregnancies and deliveries, last one a homebirth as a matter of fact. My DH and I have just always had it in our hearts to do this. I can't really put it into words.
We began discussing adopting baby #4 before we even began TTC baby #3. We have so much love to share and have always wanted a larger family.
Before we found out that our 3rd baby was another girl, we knew we would adopt in the future. Now that we have 3 girls, we have added another reason to adopt rather then conceive another child. We REALLY want a son. We absolutely adore our girls and wouldn't change a thing about them, but we would love to have a son of our own.
Plus, as mentioned previously, there will be an added demension to our family.

I know it is CONSIDERABLY less to have our own child. It cost us less than $3000 total to have our last baby, and adopting could be 10X that! It's not a decision we take lightly.


I HTH answer your question.

[ll_bay]

One could turn the tables on you and ask why people conceive more children biologically when there are already so many children in the world in need of homes and families. I don't know about anyone else, but for us, it has nothing to do with infertility of with money, and everything to do with wanting children, and adoption being our first choice for having them.

BTW, 2 points to clarify: 1) our adopted children are our "own," just as bio kids would be, and 2) in our case, the tax credit (times 2 for sibs) made it no more expensive in the end to adopt than it would have been to have bio kids.

[ll_bay]

should read "infertility OR with money" (not "of")

[lisker2003]

I have to agree with the last poster. My husband and I have adopted four children internationally - an infant, a toddler, and an older sibling pair. We both knew all along (before we even met) that we wanted to build our family this way. We never tested our fertility - we could not think of a good reason to do so, when we wanted, above all, to be parents, and knew that there were so many children already born who needed families. We could not personally justify attempting to have even one biological child, since that child would have taken the place of one who was already born, and whom we might otherwise have adopted. We were not interested in the "easiest", least expensive, quickest or most convenient way of becoming parents, but in the way that felt right to us. There are, by the way, a lot of people who choose to build their families exclusively through adoption without ever trying to have bio kids, in addition to the many who choose to adopt after having bio kids instead of trying for more bio kids.

[tarynbrook]

We are adopting as a first choice. We want a child to nurture and love, and we do not feel the need to create a new little life to care for when there are so many children born who wait for loving homes.

What would you want for your children if you lived in a third world country, and you became to sick to care for them? What if you died and you had no well off family or friends who could take them in and raise them? Look at it from a Mother's perspective. I am thankful that fertile people consider adoption! I wish more loving families would...

[Missy M]

Originally posted by ll_bay
One could turn the tables on you and ask why people conceive more children biologically when there are already so many children in the world in need of homes and families. I don't know about anyone else, but for us, it has nothing to do with infertility of with money, and everything to do with wanting children, and adoption being our first choice for having them.

BTW, 2 points to clarify: 1) our adopted children are our "own," just as bio kids would be, and 2) in our case, the tax credit (times 2 for sibs) made it no more expensive in the end to adopt than it would have been to have bio kids.

Thanks for answering all of you....you've enlightened me! To ll-bay, I wasn't making a judgement call, far from it and I never knew there was a tax credit involved; I just wondered what the motivating factor was in this situation. You also stated "our adopted children are our own just as...." I hope I didn'y imply anything else with my post; as a b-mom thats something I am ultra-sensitive about and try very hard to avoid doing.
As a b-mom, I am very thankful for parents who rise to this level, I have just often wondered why. I hope I didn't offend anyone, I simply wanted to know why, OK? I own a birthing center and I am often asked why anyone would choose that option (usually they mean drug free) when there is a more comfortable method available. Or I am asked why I gave up my job as Manager of Dallas' largest Trauma Center only to be faced with mega $$$ in Ins.payments, per-deim births, staffing issues and late night calls etc. I can relate to it not being about the money at all, I just felt a calling to help pregnant woman have a more natural comfortable delivery with aroma therapy, candles, music, and anything else THEY desire and in which the focus was on them and not the hospitals schedule; ( btw: we do have the option of pain relief thru various ways including but not limited to drugs).
Thanks, I am smarter (???) now!....Missy M

[citymom]

Hi Missy,
I have not been offended by your post at all. I am an adult adoptee in reunion for 12 years now. I just went through a third extremely painful 2nd trimester miscarriage and I AM DONE! My OB/GYN wants me to try again after extensive gene testing, blah, blah, blah! My dh and I always said that even if we had bio children, we would still adopt anyway. I know what it is like on the other foot. We are going the International route because the need is so great. Many people may say that I am selfish because we want to adopt an infant and since I do not think an open adoption is for us, the international route is where we will accomplish this. As an adoptee myself, I think if I grew up in an open adoption situation, it would have been confusing as hell for me. I didn't persue the reunification with my b-mom, she did. She is a nice woman and I like her very much. I am not saying that open adoption is wrong...it just isn't for us. I plan to find out as much information as possible about our child's beginnings, his culture and will be brought up bilingual so when that day comes when he wants to go back to his roots, he can. I know in my heart that I am doing the right thing. I am so thankful for my aparents. They loved me, took care of me and gave me a great life. I want to return the favor so to speak.

[alicia hunter]

I am asked those questions all the time. I decided when I was very young to adopt and I have never had the desire to have bio children. It brings me such joy to see the children who otherwise would have had no family. I plan to have a multicultural family. I already have one and can't wait for the next.

[Xanny]

I always wanted to adopt. When my husband and I first started to get serious, I told him so. He was a little unsure at first, but after a lot of thought he decided adoption was fine with him.

I have always, always wanted to be a mother, but I realized that for me this doesn't have anything to do with biology. I see it more like a career decision. Raising children is the way I think I am best-suited to contribute to the world. It's not about me, it's about them. So why should we add more people to the already over-populated world when there is another way to become parents that won't add to the population?

Yes, adoption is expensive, and yes, the process is invasive (although as my mother says, when you're pregnant, someone else is living inside you--what could be more invasive than THAT?!) but it's not about us. It's about the children. And I feel more commitment to the children that are already on this earth than I do to creating more.

--Xanny