[joancrystlj]

I have adopted a 3 1/2 Russian girl about 6 months ago and would love to chat with someone who has adopted an older child . We are having some attachment issues and I would love to compare notes.

[pjlanghals]

Hi Joan,

We have 5 children - three were adopted from Kazakhstan in 2001. They were 9 m, 23 m, and 33 m old at the times of their adoptions. We had some attachment issues with our 23 m old that have been completely resolved. Our 33 m old had very minor issues.

The biggest issue with our 23 m old was her lack of stranger anxiety. She would go to anyone and want to be held. After three months of not feeling like her mother, we decided to be proactive in helping her attach to us.

We stopped allowing other adults to hold her - yes, even grandparents. No one else held our daughter for 8 weeks. My husband and I concentrated on her by doing everything for her. We did not allow others to give her foods, treats, candy, etc. No one was allowed to tie her shoes or help with her coat. We instructed our family to tell her to go to mommy and daddy to help her, feed her, etc. After 8 weeks of this, she was a different little girl. Of course, we rocked her each day before naptime and at bedtime. We hugged a lot and held hands.

It took approx 7 months for her to fully attach. She is 4.5 yrs now and doing awesome. We took a positive approach about this and described it as "teaching her what mommy and daddys are all about".

Was it hard at times?? YES!!! I realized during this process that I was also not fully attached to her yet. Its all a learning curve and takes lots of time and committment. Even after she started attaching to me, I still needed more time to attach to her. It took me about 8-9 months.

I hope I have helped in some way. Please feel free to stay in touch!

Best of luck!
Pat

[joancrystlj]

Hi Pat,

Thank you for your wonderful E-Mail. It has been very helpful, my situation is a little different. After adopting my daughter 6 months ago from Kostroma she as been around so many people. My inlaws came around alot at first which we stopped because she did not know who was who, she even pulled away from me at times. I also went back to work after 6 weeks and had my landlord who lives downstairs from me watch her until I or my husband came home. My landlord has a 4 year old grandaughter who she watches 3 days a week so my daughter and her would play together. I thought this was a good idea. There were days Pat that I would pick her up and did not want to come home and would have unbelievable tantrums, but she did this less with my husband and would come to him quicker.

After a few months working shift work and weekends I decided to take off from work awhile. Now I am home and she started pre school and seems to love it but is still over stimulated with all that is going on. I am now having more problems with her. She after the past 2 weeks seems to reject me more, and only wants to be with my husband. We do not know why she is behaving this way and I feel terrible. I feel even less of a mother then before. She still is around my in-laws a lot and after reading your E-Mail wonder maybe if I just pull back some more with them. They can be overwhelming at times, well a lot of times.

My husband thinks that maybe we should go to therapy and I decided to maybe seek out some support groups, thats how I found this web site.

I commend you on your 3 adoptions, that is wonderful, you must be full of information. Does my situation sound at all familliar to you. Maybe you have some other advise for me, I am at a lost. Thanks again for your help and hope to talk to you soon

Joan

[pjlanghals]

Hi Again!

I strongly recommend you read the following two books:

"Holding Time" by Martha Welch

"Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft" by Mary Hopkins-Best

You can buy them both at Amazon or check your library.

Holding Time is a technique used to help children vent their anger while you comfort them and reassure them its OK to cry and depend on you. Some people don't like the techniques used, but most people seem to support them. Basically, you hold your child in a cradle position (or any position when you can look into their eyes). Let her cry and scream while you hold her and tell you how much you love her, that she is safe with you, its OK to cry, etc. She will go through stages mentioned in the book, but ulitmately a "resolution" phase where she will relax and mold her body into yours. She will be calm and look into your eyes. Please read the book for more details. We used this for our 23 m old and 33 m old as needed. When your daughter is having a tantrum - I strongly suggest holding time.

The other book is a great resource. It has some scary parts in it, but don't be too concerned. I think you will pick up some very useful ideas in it for your family.

After reading your message, I have a few other suggestions. I would strictly limit contact with your in-laws for the time being. Explain to them how important it is for your daughter's well-being to develop a strong relationship FIRST with you, then your husband, and then them. You are her mother. She is pulling away from you because she is testing your love and devotion for her. You need to be very proactive in helping her firmly attach to you. This is not the time for you to pull away from her. You need to hold her often, play with her, look into her eyes - even if she rejects you.

Typically, PI children were taken care of by many different women. She is running to your husband because she hasn't been disappointed by men in the past. In her mind - you are just another caretaker at this point. You need to prove to her that you are NOT just another caretaker. You are her mother! Does that make sense?

As far as preschool, I wouldn't take her right now. I would solely concentrate on you developing a good relationship with your daughter. On the other hand, if you are stressed and need the break, send her 3 half days per week (or somthing like that). I think the best senario right now would be to keep her home with you full time and then get out in the evenings to recharge your batteries while your husband watches her. I would not send her to a babsitter right now either.

Here are some other ways to help her bond:

Skin to skin contact as much as possible

Rub lotion on her back, arms, and legs after her baths

Rock her in a rocking chair before/after naps and at bedtime

Make sure she takes a nap each day - or at least have a 45 min rest period in her room. This will also give you a break during the day.

Feed her food if she will let you. Give her sweets, but only if she allows you to put it into her mouth.

Always look into her eyes when you talk to her and ask her to do the same.

Cuddle as much as possible.

Read to her.

Don't let her watch TV. You may think this is extreme, but I imagine she is getting overstimulated by it, too. My kids hardly ever watch TV. It can be done!

Fingerpaint together.

Go for long walks and hold hands.

Develop routines. Your daughter needs them and will learn to anticipate what comes next. Very important.

Please stay in touch and let me know how it goes. Don't get discouraged. I know its hard not to! Remember - you need to "teach her" what it means to be a mommy!!

Good luck!
Pat

[joancrystlj]

Hi Pat,

Thank you so much for your great advise, you have been most helpful. I now could understand the change in some of her behavior, it all makes sense. I had her on a schedule for a while and since she started school and started watching and understanding TV more, she has been off her schedule. She can not go to sleep at night, and when she finally does wakes up in the middle of the night to come into our room. I was also thinking about pulling her out of school because I do think she is over stimulated now, or maybe just send her a few times a week. I will try some of your other advise as well.

The book The Weaver's Craft I have heard of. I will read it.

The 3 children you adopted, are they siblings. It must of been a tremendous adjustment for you with 3 and having 2 of your own. Your must have a great deal of patience. After the first couple of months of being home with my daughter I would wonder how people do it with 2 and 3, and you have 5. You must be a saint. Although when we have days that are going well, I would look at my husband and tell him that it would like to go back to get a little brother or sister for her. ( He justs looks at me)

Well tomorrow is another day and I will try a little harder, I knew this was going to be a challenge and am sure in time it will all work out.

I will keep you posted and please do keep in touch. I would love to hear about your children.

Talk to you soon Joan

[pjlanghals]

Hi Joan!

Our adopted children are not bio siblings. When we first adopted, we had a 3.5 yr old bio son. We adopted Tayte (9 m) and Karenna (23 m) in Jan 2001. Ten months later we returned to adopt Garrett (33 m). They were all adopted from baby house #1 in Almaty, Kaz. We used Building Blocks Adoption Service for all three adoptions. Three months after bringing Garrett home, I got pregnant. So we also have an infant girl. Right now our children are 6 yrs, 4.5 yrs, 4.5 yrs, 3.5 yrs, and 11 months of age - 3 boys and 2 girls.

I personally had a hard time adjusting after we adopted Tayte and Karenna. We went from one child to three children literally overnight. Top it off with Karenna's attachment issues and it made it worse. I took things day by day and we got through it. I forced myself to take all three kids out at once. We used to go grocery shopping weekly and always went to story hour at the library. We developed routines and stuck with them. After 5-6 months, we were doing so much better.

In Dec 2001, we returned to adopt Garrett. His adjustment was quite easy. He attached to me quickly. His issues had to do more with establishing authority. He learned very quickly. All the times I forced myself to manage three childern out in public at once really paid off. We seamlessly added Garrett to our family. It was quite easy - honest!! I think once you get used to three kids, you can add more children and its no big deal.

I was concerned about having a rough time again when Aneesa was born. Again, it wasn't a big deal. I'll admit - she has an easy going personality. I did have a rough delivery, but even then (after recovering with a C-section), we did fine.

Now we have 5 children 6 yrs and under. I wouldn't change a thing. If you ever adopt again, it will be a little easier because you will have a better idea of what to expect.

Let me know how things go with your daughter!
Pat

[joancrystlj]

Hi Again

Wonderful story, sounds like you have a lovely family. I will let you know how things go with Alexandra. She is a lovely girl, she just needs to have more of a schedule. Today she is better with me, we have good days and bad days.

Please do keep in touch, it is a pleasure talking to you

Best Regards
Joan

[pveazie]

Another book you might want to read is "Theraplay" by Ann Jernberg and Phyllis Booth. It is available at amazon.com. It is a method developed in Chicago around 30 years ago. It incorporates everything that Pat mentioned and additionally recommends an 8 week time period where the child should not watch TV, should not go to preschool, should not go to the grocery store or mall or playground(basically no place that overstimulation can occur)In this 8 week period the mother or fahter should be within 3 feet of the child at all times when the child is awake so the child's focus is you and your husband.

They also recommend as Pat said to NOT use spanking OR time outs as discipinary techniques, but rather holding the child and being calm.

As the title of the book implies, this technique also is about buidling the relationship through attachment -based play. The book discusses all kinds of ways you can play with your child and become attached at the same time. There are therapists all over the country that also are trained in this technique that assist parents, too. You absolutely can implement everything from the book at home without a therapist.

[joancrystlj]

Thank you Pam, I will check out this book as well. I should of done this 6 months ago. Its sounds like I did a lot of things wrong from the beginning, but I am sure its not to late to correct although I am sure it has set me back some. Appreciate all the info.

Regards
Joan