[ovmom]

Hi. We have decided to pursue adoption, and plan to attend an information session by Welcome House on international adoption next month. We are leaning toward adopting from Korea.
We have an eight-year-old biological daughter who wants nothing more than a baby sister! Every time she makes a wish in a fountain or on a birthday cake, that's what she wishes for. We tried for several years to conceive again (it took us five years and fertility treatments to conceive her!) and have had two early miscarriages in the past three years. Our daughter was heartbroken -- she knew about both miscarriages and in fact was in the room when an ultrasound revealed the second baby had died.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how much to involve her in the adoption process and how to prepare her for a new sibling?
Thanks.

[Shelley]

Hi,
WE have 3 bio sons and are adopting. WE spoke with them in the beginning to make sure that they were in agreement to adding a baby sister to the family. We have agreed that they to let them have a say in what she's named, it's tough getting 5 people to agree on one name :-). When it's time to really start buying stuff for her room/cloths they will be involved. We've done a few things in her room and they help out. I also checked out books on adoption and travel type video's from the library that we could watch. I think it's pretty much the same as when your pregnant, you try to involve them as much as possible. A lot of agencies have different cultural events that you can attend, we've done that too. Your Social worker will probably have some good ideas as well. Hope this helps. Good luck to you and your family Shelley

[crathke]

We have one bio son and included him nearly from the beginning in our adoption process. He decided the gender (because it truly didn't matter to DH and I whether we had another boy or a daughter instead). He went along with me when we took a "gift bag" to the agency to be sent to Guatemala. (he also gave the stuffed lion a hug for luck before we put it in the gift bag). He helped choose Aaron's name and picked his middle name all by himself (from a list we gave him so it wouldn't be something totally inappropriate!).

During the "waiting time", we talked about what it would be like to have a brother--that he wouldn't have Mom and Dad all to himself any more--that Aaron would Not step off the plane speaking perfect English or ready to play PlayStation, etc. We also visited a couple of photolistings before we accepted Aaron's referral so he could see what children from Guatemala looked like (and he was not impressed one way or the other; they "look like Alberto"--a Hispanic friend of his). We also checked out some websites that had photos of Guatemala so he could see what Aaron's "world" looked like; found Guatemala on the globe--talked about what the weather was "where Aaron is" on any given day, etc.

Just make certain that you balance the "won't it be fun to have a sister?" conversations with the "this is what could be Not So Fun" side. Nick was prepared for Aaron to get into his things, yell at the dinner table and take over 'his' spot on the couch in the family room--and I think his transition to "big brother" was made more smooth because he wasn't expecting a fairy tale experience.

[denise marie]

We have 3 bio children.We involved them from the beginning of our adoption.They were all so excited and i even let them name her.Our daughter is 7 yrs old though and the kids were happy as she was still the baby of the family.They would talk alot about her before she was home.We also involved them alot in reading as much as we could about her culture.It all was a wonderful process.Now she is home and we are working on our second International adoption and all 4 of the children are excited about it.Involving her will be wonderful and also she will learn alot about the process.My children love their sister so much and would do anything for her.Also i feel it has formed a very close bond from the beginning with them being so involved.

[ovmom]

Thanks for the replies. Our bio-daughter has actually been the one keeping the "adoption option" in the forefront. Every couple of weeks, she asks if her dad and I have "talked about it yet." Now that we're ready to move forward, I know she'll be excited. But it's good advice to make sure she doesn't see it as a fairy tale. We may take her to a multi-cultural celebration at the Pearl S. Buck Foundation to introduce her to Asian culture. She's used to the idea of foreign adoption -- especially from Korea. Good friends of ours and folks from our church have added kids from Korea to their families. I'll keep you all posted on our progress!

[kannon]

Just some little things that will not only include your daughter, but make things more comfortable for the new addition:

Language: Please take the time to start learning the Korean (or Chinese, or Spanish, etc) as this will be something that the whole family can be involved in and will allow your adopted child a link with her biofamily, and also let her know that her heartfamily took the time and care to learn.

Holidays: Look into the originating country's holidays and start to incorporate them into your family celebrations now. Make them a natural part of your life. You are not just adopting a single person, you are adopting a different culture into your family. You little one will know that they are part of both the bio and the heart culture.

Habitat: Impliment some Korean, or Spanish, or Romanian, etc household norms into yours. Again, make it a natural thing, for all the same reasons that you are learning the language and the holidays.

Also, as the caucasian mother of a biracial child, please take the time to learn about white privilage and learned racism. As the parents of a non-white child, it will be your job to advocate and educate for your child.

Sorry for getting on the soapbox, just want your family to have the best of all possible experiences in life.

Kannon

[ilovemykids]

i have a bio daughter from an ivf and ttc #2 for over 2 years with if tx. my daughter knew i was pg and when i went for my u/s to detect a hb the sac was empty.....my daughter was with me. she is 7.

when we decided to adopt we talked to her about it and she was thrilled. we originally decided on a domestic adoption and she helped us choose the pictures for our dear birthmother booklet. when we decided to move on to international adoption thru guatemala we talked to her about how there might be differences in the outward appearance of her new little brother to be but that everyone is the same on the inside. she was so excited.

when it came time to accept a referral the agency sent us a video with clips of 2 baby boys that were a day apart in age. our daughter sat down and watched the tape with us and chose which baby would become her brother. she even named him.

i went to visit my son 3 times in guatemala and every time i had my daughter help me choose clothes and toys for the baby that i would take with me.

when it was time for us to travel to bring our son home she made a big banner by herself and surprised us with it when we came home with her brother.

our son has been home 2 1/2 years now and they are as close as can be........they love one another and play so well together.

[PR728]

Definitely involve your daughter from the beginning. I have an 11-year old biological daughter (who also went through the whole infertility scene with us). It was extremely important for her to help paint and decorate her new brother's room. She did, however, want a sister at first; but my husband and I told her that was our decision (as a couple) to make. She helped us name her brother and she even made both trips to Russia with us. After the first trip, I left it up to her to decide if she wanted to take the second trip with us (and, of course, she went - she wouldn't dare be left out of anything). We took her lead during the whole process as to how much she wanted to be involved - kids let you know. We are into our second adoption (in Russia again) and she is planning on taking the first trip with us again. Good luck!

[Anita]

We have a six year old daughter, and hope to adopt a preschooler.

During our time, we have incorporated adoption stories into the mix of story time selections. There are plenty of movies that address it too. It has helped open discussions for her. Some of this is beyond the comprehension of a 6 year old.

It concerns her that parents can't take care of their children, would it happen to her? We have always tried to reinforce that some parents have to do what is best their child's future. They still love their children.

I have also let her know we have had to take tests (for lack of a better word) to show we could take care of a child. There are people who are trying to protect the children who need new families.

It is a fine line for a six year old. It has opened her world a great deal. I'd say for the better. She is much more accepting of different. She doesn't really care how her sibling gets here, she just wants one.

We have had a room reserved and decorated. It is referred to as brother's room. All the neighborhood friends are involved too. They ask when will he be here? How much does he cost? All the wonderfully innocent ways they do. We are all excited.

I have had to warn some parents about conversations in our house. My daughter is very open and honest when her friends ask questions. I'm usually near by and can help soften the information. The last thing I want is some child having unexplained nightmares about loosing their family. Like I said, it is a fine line for a six year old.

My daughter and/or friends decide when we talk about it these days. Our journey has been different than most.

[jewell2blue]

Hi,

We are beginning the process of adopting a haitian child/children. Our 4.5 yr old Malawian adopted son is just beginning to understand why children are in orphanages and is concerned about us dying, etc. Has anyone added additional adopted sibs while the first is only 4-5? BTW our son does have 4 grown sibs (1 adopted relative + 3 bio).

Any insights would be appreciated

Julie

[zaftra]

about children that are "born in your heart".

It's pretty cool to hear their ideas.

[AdrienneEB]

I second the suggestion for adoption stories. I actually just wrote a book review column on books for siblings of international adoptees. Here's the link: http://www.chathamjournal.com/weekly...adoption.shtml
Reading about other kids who were adopted or who had siblings who were going to be adopted was really helpful for my son, who was then 4. He had also experienced several miscarriages with my husband and myself, and he was in the room during the 18-week ultrasound that showed the baby had died. Once we told him we were going to get a new baby, and not grow one in Mommy's tummy, he was actually very relieved. He told everyone he met - we're adopting a baby because the one in Mommy's tummy died and we want one that will be alive! It made people pretty uncomfortable but hey, he was just being honest!
It also helped that we have lots of friends who have adopted children, so for my son it was just another way to have a baby. Not out-of-the ordinary in the least.
Adrienne

Adrienne, mom to Jamie, a. 9/03 from Voronezh
author, When I Met You, a story of Russian adoption
available 3/05, from DRT Press