[Archive]

Originally Posted By Dee

Anyone out there using Reaching Out Through International Adoption(NJ)? Also, anyone having difficulty convincing a reluctant spouse to give international adoption a go?

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Rebecca

I am also considering using this agency and also have a reluctant spouse. I am wanting to do this very much but am trying hard to understand his point of view.

Let me know if you hear anything about the agency?

[tiamet2]

I saw your archived message. Did you ever have any luck convincing your spouse to try international adoption? If so, what did you do that did the convincing?

Hi everybody,

I had to pipe in here with my related experience, hope it helps. My husband and I went through the infertility experience. Our moral beliefs dictated how far we felt we could go. I personally felt that when one door closes another opens, so when we started having difficulty, I started looking around for the other door. My heart was yelling out ADOPTION, so I said great lets get started. This is about the time I realized my husband had stepped out of the room. He kept looking for something we did wrong or could do better, feeling that we just hadn't tried long or hard enough. I was upset, and took it out on him initially. Then I started to realize how difficult this was for him, I was ashamed for trying to push him MY way. I prayed alot and realized what I needed to do.

First I had to remind myself about my commitment to him, then I had to accept the possibility that my path might follow another direction all togather(this did not happen overnight). Then I sat down with my hubby, and poured my heart out. I didn't sugar coat anything, I told him how I felt about us, children, our life puposes, etc. Then I told him I would NO LONGER pressure him on this. That if and when he felt as strongly about adopting as I did, he needs to come to me, and let me know. Because I knew we would need each other to do this.

About two of the longest, and most difficult months of my life, later. My husband came up to me and told me that he has been thinking alot about this, and realized his heart was also yelling ADOPTION. YEA!

I am so thankful every day that I had the strength and patience to wait for him. Now we are in the process together 100%, he is every bit as excited and involved as me. I hope this will encourage others going through similar situations. It always helps to take a stroll in the others shoes.

Anna

[angiesavage1]

Wow! What a powerful message. Fortunately, my DH was on aboard from the beginning. Actually, adopting was his idea. We had gone thru infertility treatments for 3 years before finally being told that I couldn't get pg. But not before I went thru 7 months of clomid, a surgery & 2 procedures. It was my DH who finally said, "No More! You have been thru enough!" Letting go & deciding to adopt was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Adopting itself is stressful. I can't imagine having to convince not only yourself but your spouse as well that adoption is the right choice for your family. I hope the other posts were able to convince their DH.

[bendreamn01]

We've been through infertility for 5 years now and its been about 6 months since we found out that there was no hope for a biological child. I have been trying to talk to my DH about adoption but he just seems to turn me off -says he will think about it but never really talks to me about it. Does anyone have any advice?

Hi Bendreamn01,
I'm sorry to hear about your husband blocking you out. I know just how that feels, especially after so long trying biologically. I think alot of us feel like after all that time we just can't wait to get going once we see hope through adoption. I wish I could give you a magic phrase which will suddenly open up your husband and convince him, but I don't know what those words are. I will say that having just recently survived a similar cold war feeling silence from my husband, there is hope, and it takes patience. The more I pushed and asked the more he seemed to resist, it took me a while but I finally realized that he need time to work it out his way (quietly with in himself). To me it seemed he didn't care or that he wasn't really thinking about it, because when I am considering something, I talk it out. His way might just be different. Good Luck to the both of you.

[norblatulippe]

I also had a reluctant spouse. We talked for two years about adoption (actually I talked and it went in one ear and out the other on his side) He kept telling me he didn't want anymore children (we have 2) but he couldn't explain why. When it was brought up again recently around Christmas, he finally told me his reason all along had been financial, because we had such a rough start financial. Now that we aren't struggling, he is all for it. Now it's me standing in the way which is a long story. But we will be looking again in Sept. Anyway, if your spouse is reluctant, try to find out the reason, it may be something that you can work out and it may be something that you would never guess!!!

[Stace33]

Hi All,

My husband and I have waited to adopt domestically for the last 15 months. Initially, I wanted to adopt from Guatemala, but my husband did not want anything to do with International Adoption.
We have waited so long to be parents and are ready to start our family. We went back to our agency and he really liked the Guatemala program they have. His heart opened and now we are in the process!
My advice is to give it some time. Also, try to get him to tell you his feelings. Men never want to tell you what they feel.
Good luck to you.
Stacie

[Mailbox13]

My wife and I tried for many years to get pregnant. It was very important to her not only to be a mother, but to be pregnant. Unfortunately, with all of the procedures, charts, etc. it never happend. The doctors never said we couldn't have a child, it just didn't happen.

Having a birth was not as important to me. I did want children. So, I started researching adoption. At some point I asked her about it. She said she wasn't ready to talk about adoption yet. I didn't push the subject. Every so often, I would ask if she was ready to discuss adoption. She would say no, and I would drop it.

Finally, she said yes. So, we talked, we researched, and we talked some more. Today we have a beautiful boy from Russia who is the joy of our life. We are currently getting ready to start a China adoption.

Marriage really is a partnership. You both need to be on the same page whether you are talking about a pregnancy or an adoption. You can't force the issue. Talk. Pray. You will work it out.

[I need Alex]

Myhusband is dead set against adoption, I don't know how to change his mind... it is a battle that will end as me winning or divorce because this is how deeply I feel for thses children, I will take them on alone if I have to!
Any ideas on how to change his mind would help. We already have 5 children...one died in a car accident 5 years ago and I want to fill that void... not replace him, that isnt possible.

HELP! ANy info would be appreciated... Post reply!

[Shellemarie]

I need Alex,
Wow... (HUG) When I read your post, My heart definitely went out to you. I am so sorry for your loss.
I think that adoption should never be a "battle" between spouses, nor should the end result be one spouse "winning" vs divorce. Adoption is such an undertaking with peaks and valleys faced by a marital TEAM. Is there a main reason why your husband is dead set against adopting? My husband and I have talked about adopting off and on now for almost 24 months, and we haven't been on the same page until now. His main concern has always been financial, and believe me, there have been times when I wanted to just make him do what I want to do. But my saving grace has truly been prayer. I had to (and still do) continually pray that my heart is in the right place. I also prayed that it is God's will and God's timing. Not my own. I also prayed that if it is meant to be that we adopt, that my husband's heart be opened to it. Because I know deep down that I would NOT want my husband to solely be on board just for MY sake. It wouldn't be fair to anyone involved in this miraculous experience. I want him to authentically desire this, because if he didn't, I believe it would definitely surface down the road, either during the adoption process or afterward when we would have our child home. If you and your husband are at an impasse, I recommend you talk to someone you can trust, like a marriage/family therapist or a pastor. I sincerely hope things get better, and I hope I have helped in some little way.
Sincerely,
Shelley

[Mindy82]

This kind of freaks me out! And to be totally honest (don't mean to offend anyone), but I feel it's unfair that singles are penalized for not being married, and have a harder time to adopt, when it seems in many cases the women are the only ones who want to, and they are trying desperately to change their husband's minds! If the agencies knew this, i'm sure they'd consider singles just as readily as married people. It's really unfair, and personally, I don't think anyone should pursue adoption unless both are equally interested. Sorry, that's just my opinion, and I feel slightly miffed that we are treated this way as opposed to "happily married persons"

[ndgaynor]

I am glad to know that I am not the only one who has a reluctant spouse! My husband is very reluctant to talk about the issue at all, he seems to have his mind set on conceiving biological children. The more I research international adoption, the stronger my desire to adopt grows - The feeling that I have to adopt has become a need, and it breaks my heart that my husband does not feel the same.

Like many of you, I do not want to begin the process unless he feels the same desire that I do to adopt a child. I do not know what is holding him back - He seems convinced that there is just something special about having a child conceived of our own blood

[devildogwife]

My husband and I went back and forth on the issue. But when the timing was right for both of us, we both knew it and were ready to move forward with adoption. I never pushed the issue with him. About 10 months later , we were both on board.