[dagranoff]

This thread looks like it's been around for a while, but I thought I'd add my comment in case anyone else pulls it up.

I was the reluctant spouse at one point who was dead set against adoption. My wife and I were trying unsuccessfully to have a second child for over 4 years. She had approached me about adoption and I was skeptical because I didn't think I would feel the same way about an adopted child as our existing son.

After another failed infertility treatment, she decided to look online about adoption and found that an international adoption agency was doing a seminar the very next weekend in our home town (Denver). She asked if I would go and listen and I reluctantly agreed. The seminar was about 2 hours long and it completely transformed me to the point where we agreed that same day to do it and we sent in the preliminary application. What convinced me was not the agency or its representatives, but the five different families who took the time on their weekend to come in person (with their adopted kids) and give testimonials. I was overwhelmed by their stories and the reality of seeing real families with their kids. It was a life changing experience for me.

This all happened in April of 2003. On February 2004, we completed the adoption of 6 month old twins (boy/girl) from Russia. The first day I saw them it was as emotional for me as the day my eldest son was born. I love all three of my children equally and totally. My earlier stubborn attitude about adoption is a distant memory and I am eternally thankful that things turned out the way they did. I would not change a thing if I could.

The moral of my story is to expose the reluctant spouse to other adoptive families in person. I really hope that helps.

[journeytolily]

I agree with dagranoff - if a reluctant spouse can see actual adoptive families, it can make a huge difference.

Also, when going thru the process, it's good to connect with other adoptive families - it makes you feel like "it happened for them, it can happen for us!"

[pjacademy]

My husband was against adoption at first. We had 3 bio kiddos in 16 months. He was done! So much done he had a vasectomy at 21 When our first was born in 98 I thought about adoption. After the Big V (2000) I REALLY wanted to adopt. But it wasn't until Nov of 05 he said yes we could research. And it wasn't until June of 07 that he offically JUMPED ON BOARD!!!!!!

The only thing to keep in mind.......if we had adopted when I alone wanted to......we would have more then likely adopted a different child. And when I look at my Indian Princess I have NO DOUBT in mymind that this my child. This child was meant to be ours!!

[lilmom613]

My DH is on the fence as I call it about adoption. We have 2 bio children girl 11 and boy 6. After dealing with medical problems on my end I had a hysterctomy. The best thing I could have done for my health. However I cant have anymore children and have always wanted to adopt. An adoption agency in our area is holding a seminar this coming up week and I think I'm going to see if he's willing to attend even if he moans and groans the whole way there.

[Spring09]

Thanks for posting that dagranoff. We have a bio son and am adopting a second, and I am having the same fears as you did originally. Meeting other adoptive parents and hearing stories like yours keep me optimistic and moving forward.. just wanted to thank you!

[hoping2adopt1]

I know this is an old thread, but I had to respond anyways. You are not alone, most of us have husbands that are hesitant, but not because they dont love children. Men just want to make sure they can take care of their children. It is still better a child has a mom and dad, not a single parent if it can be helped. Adoption is not to be solely for the benefit of a single woman, but for the the "child" to find the most stable home, getting what the child needs most, which is a mom and a dads presence in their life. All of the reluctant dads quickly fell inlove with their adopted children from what I have read. But a single mother to me is still better than a child being stuck in an orphanage. I talked to my husband about my desire to adopt about a year ago, and he totally ignored me, I got the cold silent treatment pretty much. Now 8 months after my miscarriage being 5 months pregnant, he has finally listened. He is still worried about how to afford it, but he says he would rather adopt a toddler instead of a baby. I am fine with an older child too, I just want to give them a home with a mom and dad. I think us women jump in to adoption with our hearts, and men must think it through first. I believe if we pray, God will do the rest if it is meant to be.

home school mom to 4

[momofMikhail]

When I first mentioned the idea of adoption to my dh he was totally against it. He wouldn't even discuss it with me. The only thing he would say was he wasn't ready to stop trying to concieve on our own. I started researching adoption at that time without dh knowing (knowing that was what I really wanted to do). I did not want to push my dh into something he wasn't ready for or never would be ready for. So every so often I would bring up the subject and pray he had changed his mind. Then one day I found out our cousin was pregnant and got really upset. I was happy for them but sad for me. That night I mentioned adoption to dh again. We agreed to go to a siminar that weekend but no promises. After the siminar he was ready to sign the paperwork to get started (this was a year after me first telling him I wanted to adopt). What I am saying is sometimes patience is all it takes. I would have never of divorced dh if he decided adoption was out of the question. Now we have a wonderful 2 year old little boy that me and dh both adore!!!!

[hoping2adopt1]

I have one of those husbands. Mine changed his mind everyday, giving me hope, then taking it away. I finally had to back off, because I could tell it was stressing him too much. It's not the idea of adoption that scares him, is is about the money, how to come up with it that frightens him and me. Adoption will always be in my heart, but until he can feel better about it, I'm not pushing this on him. Our marriage is way too important. I will give it to God, and if He wants us to adopt, then He will make a way. I know it's hard to let go, especially if you like to control everything like me, but I see no other way right now. Plus I have been blessed with 4 beautiful children already. I told him when the kids are grown, I will bring this up again, he says he wants to travel, that upset me. Everyone says to move on and do something else besides having kids, and I just don't know what else could fulfill me more than being a mother.

[ananas]

My husband had never considered adopting before and we spent nearly three years talking about it. I found him lots of info to read and i showed him alot of negative stories about the hard times , so he had a view that happy families would not be immediate in some cases. I think it is important that your husband reads info on the positive and negative and he needs time to make his choice. My husband is really excited now we have passed our home study and the hours and hours of going through web sites and reading books has really helped him. Also he saw and felt my wish to adopt and saw what a positive it will be for our lives. I would advise that you take it slowly, it is important also to read up alot of info on the country you are considering, their culture. I presume he is unsure of adopting or is it he is unsure of international adoption. I do not see a difference between local adoption or international ,it has to come down to what would be best for the child and then what would be best for you. Obviously there is the culture difference and language.