[ndgaynor]

Thats good to know. Hopefully the process has gone well for you! I do believe that time & lots of information will lead us both on the right path - whatever that may be.

I noticed that your name is Devildogwife... Is your hubby a Marine? If So, Semper Fi!! My husband is also in the Marine Corps!

[intladoptionblog]

I published a post about reluctant spouses on the Older Parent Blog a while back:
http://older-parent.adoptionblogs.co...s-speak-slowly

Might be something there that helps...

[akr9504]

I dear friend of mine said that there will be a drager and a dragee. I thought my husband would never be on board and I think to be fair to a child they need to take ownership of their feelings of wanting this to happen. He is now excited and telling everyone...this is not what I would have imagined several months ago.

[Dearonebaby]

Anna,
That was so similar to my experiences. My DH knew when we got married that I wanted to adopt since I was 14, but when we couldn't conceive he was not done with it. We miscarried one baby and then about a year after, when My mind was numb and I stopped asking about adoption... he came out and said that he was ready to adopt. I about fell out my chair. So now we are waiting for travel call to go to Taiwan and he is HAPPY. Please don't take this the wrong way gals.. but if the DH is really abrasive... I would not "convince" him to adopt. If he is not trully happy within himself, it could prove tragic to a marriage. I know, this is the most difficult thing to do, but trust me... it is the best way to go. Dh is really happy, I am happy and our marriage has no wear and tear at least in that manner...lol.
Sarah k.

[eyesonchrist]

I understand the desire to want to adopt and not having your husband on board. We have 3 biological children and I have been wanting to adopt for 6 YEARS. It has been a long time but I have grown in my faith in this waiting time and I have learned to honor my husband's fears, opinion (this was big for me), desires etc. Last Feb. I sat down with my husband and told him I did not want to come to the end of my life and not have adopted. That this pull was so strong that I needed to do something about it. With all that I could muster I told my husband that if he did not want to adopt I would honor that. I said I would need to go to God and ask Him what it was I was suppose to do with this desire I felt was from Him. After about a week my husband opened up about the finicial fears he had. He then said let's look into it. We just signed our contract on Monday(7 months later). I also read a book that was wonderful, although was given to me by the agency we are using (5 years ago!) called, The Strength of Mercy by Jan Beazely. I've read it twice now. Her husband too was hesitant for some time. It is a fabulous read! Again, I am not promoting my agency although I have followed them for almost 6 years until we could finally sign! Don't give up on your husband and marriage. God would not want that, your kids would not want that. Going alone is no way to go. Give your anger to God. He can handle it and see what He does with it.

[brose]

Honestly, I really empathize. My oldest son is severely autistic, I feel a terrible void as well, my youngest doesn't have a functional brother. My husband has no desire to adopt, since what we went through with our kids (my typical boy was speech-delayed). I'd like to adopt a typical preschooler, if possible, so we don't have to go through the whole speech development thing, but he's done. I don't think I can change his mind. It's a real heartache all around, and I would really love another child, not to mention a brother/sister for my son. He cried terribly when he saw an adopted Chinese baby girl in a restaurant recently.

[caestes]

I am in the same boat, too. My DH is very open and soft hearted to the *idea* of adoption, but the reality scares him to death. I have done the same as several posts before - poured my heart out to him and assured him that I didn't want to pressure him, but had to tell him how I felt. We agreed I could "get the ball rolling" with the understanding that we could "stop the ball" at any time. I thought the info. and exposure to IA would help him - and it has. Seeing those waiting little faces just tears at his heart (and mine!) The info. and seminar on IA has made it more real life for us both. Well the ball has rolled about as far as it can without spending money or signing a contract, so I am in the trusting God and waiting on DH game. One thing that has helped is to praise him (to myself and him) for the positive side of his "holdups" - in our case his fear of the financial, emotional and energy drains of IA. The positive side is that he takes his responsibility to provide for us well (not just $, also time and attention) so seriously - otherwise, he wouldn't be afraid. The other help has been to recommit in my heart to our marriage *first*. In the end, a damaged marriage is in no-one's best interest, including our children's. So I will wait. I believe that God has called us to this and where He calls, He enables - but in His timing, not mine. Finally, I am praying like crazy for him. That's the most powerful "change agent" of all.

[momraine]

My husband was reluctant as well, but with prayer and my giving some information (a little bit and then backing off for a month or so) he came around. I have to say that if he is not really on board that will probably come up in the homestudy and you may not be approved. I know one lady who thought she had talked her husband into it, but in the homestudy his reluctance was pretty clear and they were not approved because of it. She was so angry at him that they ended up divorced. The other thing for the lady with five kids to consider. If you divorce your husband are a single mom of several kids you may find it difficult to be approved as well. While it's becomming easier for singles to adopt (though it's still easier for married couples) it would be very hard to adopt if you already have three or more children at home. I am adopting number four and getting questioned about it and I am married. I had to convince them that I had enough room and money and time for four children. I know people who have adopted large numbers of children, but not single people and most get the same questions.

[praying4adoption]

We both are for adoption/russian adoption but hubby has the mindset that its financially impossible--and thats what he shares with me. He really wants his child to look like us so they dont have to go through life explaining why they look different....and I have traveled to Russia on a Missions trip hence why we decided on Russia. Unfortunately it seems to be one of if not the most expensive countrues to adopt from! He says if he had the money hed go tomorrow to help one of those sweet children out. Im trying to convince him that by saving, etc we can come up with the money. Where theres a will theres a way right. God will provide. MONEY is where Im having to convince him....not adoption itself. Im sorry you ladies are going through this with you hubbys. Keep talking about it.

[mlb]

We are using Reaching Out and are hoping to travel in December. Feel free to PM me if you want.

[melicombs]

My husband was reluctant to adoption all together, until he just came home one day and handed me a pamphlet about an adoption seminar that weekend. We went and both concluded right away that we just weren't ready for the risk and uncertainty of domestic. So we were quick to decide on international. Now deciding on a country and whether to go multiracial , that was the part that took som convincing.

[AdoptingJules]

Anna,
Your situation with infertility and moral beliefs are so in tune with my own situation. I know how it is to turn that page and not frantically consider extreme measures to have a baby. It is comforting to know that there are others out there going through the same thing! Thanks for sharing your story.

Julie

Originally Posted by mom@heart

Hi everybody,

I had to pipe in here with my related experience, hope it helps. My husband and I went through the infertility experience. Our moral beliefs dictated how far we felt we could go. I personally felt that when one door closes another opens, so when we started having difficulty, I started looking around for the other door. My heart was yelling out ADOPTION, so I said great lets get started. This is about the time I realized my husband had stepped out of the room. He kept looking for something we did wrong or could do better, feeling that we just hadn't tried long or hard enough. I was upset, and took it out on him initially. Then I started to realize how difficult this was for him, I was ashamed for trying to push him MY way. I prayed alot and realized what I needed to do.

First I had to remind myself about my commitment to him, then I had to accept the possibility that my path might follow another direction all togather(this did not happen overnight). Then I sat down with my hubby, and poured my heart out. I didn't sugar coat anything, I told him how I felt about us, children, our life puposes, etc. Then I told him I would NO LONGER pressure him on this. That if and when he felt as strongly about adopting as I did, he needs to come to me, and let me know. Because I knew we would need each other to do this.

About two of the longest, and most difficult months of my life, later. My husband came up to me and told me that he has been thinking alot about this, and realized his heart was also yelling ADOPTION. YEA!

I am so thankful every day that I had the strength and patience to wait for him. Now we are in the process together 100%, he is every bit as excited and involved as me. I hope this will encourage others going through similar situations. It always helps to take a stroll in the others shoes.

Anna

[AdoptingJules]

You have to look inside yourself to fill that void. Like you said there is no replacing a child. You have to fill yourself up from within before you are going to have anything to give to another, especially to an adopted child. Focus on all of the blessings you do have. Your children and yes, your husband that you made a vow with to make a life together. Consider whether or not the damage you would inflict on yourself and your family by divorcing is going to help with that void. You are hurting so very badly that you are forgetting to take comfort with the very people you should be looking toward. Take some time with prayer or meditation, whatever you use to find peace. Talk openingly and honestly with your husband about this deep hurt. Consider why you think adding a child to your home would heal that hurt and whether or not it is fair to put that responsiblity on that child. I wish you peace and a loving resolution to your pain. My prayers are with you and your family!

Julie

Originally Posted by I need Alex

Myhusband is dead set against adoption, I don't know how to change his mind... it is a battle that will end as me winning or divorce because this is how deeply I feel for thses children, I will take them on alone if I have to!
Any ideas on how to change his mind would help. We already have 5 children...one died in a car accident 5 years ago and I want to fill that void... not replace him, that isnt possible.

HELP! ANy info would be appreciated... Post reply!

[KellyKA]

Anna, what a great story, thank you so much for sharing it gives me hope! I am ready to adopt, but my husband is not a sure. He says he is open to it but wants to keep "trying" for another 6 months. Which I am not againts but I worry in 6 months, he will need another 6 months. And I dont want to push him before he is ready becuase it wouldnt be fair to ANYONE involved however I KNOW he has it in him and that he sells him self short of what he is truly capable of doing! He has never met a child of any race or ability that hasnt completly melten and stolen his heart! *Sigh* but he were go another 6 months of dealing with infertility. I would much rather spend the next 6 months working towards completing our homestudy and other paperwork! We both agree that adoptiong is in our future however he was hoping it was after bio children, and to me any child is MY child and I would much rather adopt now, and if I get pregnant in the future great, and if not I will adopt again! I was raised in a family where I was the first child and adopted and then my brothers were born *surprise!* a few years later!

Also I dont want my husband looking at adopting as the second best option. Once he has the child I know he WONT feel that way but I dont want him to approach the process with that mentality.