[ronin51X]

When i was 24 i found out i was adopted, i had always had a feeling that i was. But it was confirmed to me by a family member. My mother passed away when i was 19 and since then it has left me lost and confused. I dont know what to believe or how to feel. I loved my mother, she was the world to me. Having learned the truth i love her that much more. She took in someone and gave him her name and life. The fact still remains that i am still lost and without her to answer my questions i feel i might not ever find the truth. Most people take their origins for granted, but i have felt different all my life. I stand outside and look in. My family never really cared much for me, when i found out i was adopted i understood why. I feel myself drifting further and further from those that i have known all my life. I feel a loyalty to them, but at the same time i feel that they have betrayed everything that i held dear. The loneliness i feel has motivated me to find out the truth about my past. Who am I? why did my birth parents abandone me? I feel closer to these people then i ever did to my own family. This fact pulls most on my heart and my mind. I wrote a letter to my grandma in Nicaragua, my hope is that i will know the truth, but fear that out of some misplaced loyalty to my mothers memory i may never find out. I am thinking about traveling to Nicaragua to start my own investigation. But then i wouldnt know were to begin. I dont have either of my birthparents name. I dont even know were and when i was born, facts that always led me to believe i was adopted. One day i will have children of my own, yet i will not be able to answer their questions on our family lineage. My worst fear is that they will feel the same way their father does. To all those who read this post i thank you for taking the time to read my story, i find that talking about helps, And to anyone who might have some knowledge about Nicaragua, I was born in the early 80's, and my adoptive family name is maliano.

[devildogwife]

I used to travel yearly to Nicaragua for about 7 years. I loved going there and working with the people. My BIL is Nicaraguan, from Managua, so I am familiar with Nicaragua.

As I'm sure you've learned, Nicaragua in the early 80's was very unstable and tumultous. Have you read the book "Dreams of the Heart" by Violetta Barrios de Chamorro? That gives a great overview of life in Nicaragua, especially at that time.

I'd really encourage you to travel to Nicaragua. It is a beautiful country with wonderful people. I'm slightly confused though~you said you sent a letter to your gma in Nicaragua? Does she know the names of your birth parents? Is she your birth grandmother?

I wish you the best of luck and hope you are successful in your search.

[ripples]

Hi ronin51x,
I can understand how you feel so lost and confused. If you do decide to go to Nicaragua, I'd highly recommend that you first do some preparatory reading about the experiences of inter-country adoptees returning to their birthland. It has many of the complexities of USA adoptees returning to their birthplace in the USA, only there are many more layers of cultural complexity, probably more stark socio-economic differences, multi-lingual challenges, etc;

For example, when I went to Asia, I noticed that Caucasian people get a combination of royal treatment/deference/white privilege/pedestal treatment yet discrimination while other Asians from overseas (eg. the USA) get treated with confusion - either we're seen as traitors, incompetent foreigners (why can't you speak your native language?) or one of the locals. When I was in China, my Caucasian adoptive parents were met with smiles, admiration and excitement by the locals - they would ooo and aaahh at my parents merely uttering a few syllables in Chinese. As for me, one day I'd be told, "your one of us because you have Chinese blood". The next day they'd be sneering, calling me a foreigner. The next, next day I'd be classified as an overseas Chinese person, then the next, next, next day locals would be chasing after me in hopes of obtaining favors (help with getting visas to the USA, etc). I've heard from Vietnamese adoptees how other Vietnamese would comment, "you're lucky you didn't have to endure the boat journey, the war, etc;". I'm not sure how Nicaraguans would respond to returnee Nicaraguan adoptees, 'tho.

For a starter, I highly recommend Inter-Country Adoptee Support Network - it's run on a volunteer basis by inter-country adoptees (ICAs) for other ICAs.

Regards,
Ripples

[ajvacations]

My daughter is adopted from Nicaragua, in August 2007. We traveled back in May of 2009 and found some of her birth family. I understand that need for connection and to know your roots. I suggest you try your search, adoptions from Nicaragua are not many so finding information may be easier than you think. Some agencies will help with searches. Message me if you would like to chat more.