[didi20]

I'm new here, I'm a 25 year old female adopted from South Korea, I was born in Korea and flew over here at 3 months old. It was a long time ago so I do not know much about my birth parents. I love my adoptive parents and family more than anything in this world and have a strong family bond. I have never dealt with my adoption in my life and any time it is mentioned I hysterically uncontrollably cry. I don't know how this works but I am so sad and distraught about this that I have developed an eating disorder, my therapist said it was how I was controlling my sadness about my birth mother. I feel abandoned and angry that she did this to me, I am mad and feel awful that she never came to find me. I hate that I will never see her or know what I did, I don't know how to accept anything and I just want to be happy and be able to let it go. I'm afraid to let go because I hold her on this pedestal and I'm afraid to forget about her. I'm afraid she has completely forgotten about me and I just want to be happy again. I have never been able to have a relationship because I am terrified that everyone I let in will one day leave me to. Please help me I can't be this sad anymore it hurts too much

[DancinBear63]

Welcome to the forum, didi20! I hope that you will find support that you are looking for on these boards!

[lglysson]

You are feeling so bad. I am a birth mother and I can tell you your bith mom has not forgotten about you. She probably thinks of you every birthday, and if she is like me, everyday. There are so many variables in every scenario I can only guess what is going on. I am sure that she felt there was no other choice. She might have been very young, had no support, wanted more for you than she could give. I am sure she loves you. I pray you find peace.
Blessings

[didi20]

i hate her and i love her and i've never met her...i'm angry at her and i miss her everyday...i feel guilty when i don't think about her and i force myself not to because it hurts too much...i am grateful for her wanting me to have a better life and i have a blessed life...i'm mad at her for giving up and mad at her for not coming back for me...i wonder what she thinks of me or what she looks like...i wonder why she didn't come find me...i wonder if anyone will ever be able to love me enough to keep me...i wonder if it will ever stop hurting...i know i will never get to see her or hear from her...i wonder if she's still alive...and whenever i think about it or her i get so hysterically sad and angry i don't know what to do with myself so i bottle it back up and distract myself until it goes away...i want to let go of the hurt and be able to forgive her but i don't know how...i feel angry because she got to decide this and my aparents decided to adopt me but i didn't pick this and i hate being adopted...i don't hate the better life she gave for me but i hate these feelings and fears...i hate that no one understands and i hate that i'm 25 and still don't have a clue how to accept it...i don't even know if that makes sense

[BlackSheep]

Didi20-
Welcome to this web site and I pray that you can find some peace here by the wisdom that can be found from the others that are here and share in the pain.

I am an adoptee and a birthmother. I too can feel your pain of wanting to know who you look like, where you cam from and why you were let go. I know how torn you feel and the love you feel for the adoptive family that has always been there, but you are loved and NOT a bad person. You are perfect! You just have to find that within yourself. You may or may not even locate your birthmom to help you heal the hurt you feel, but you can find some peace to accept and eventually forgive. I know, easily said, but much harder to do. The first thing you need to always remember is that YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. You were only a beautiful, helpless baby and I know that you feel manipulated because your birthmother and others had the say so in your life, where you were to live and pick the parents who love you with all their hearts. Make the decision to not let this take over. I have been there and know how dark that place can be.

As a birthmother, I can tell you that I think of my daughter everyday. She is now your age and I'm sure as beautiful as you are. I pray that she doesn't hurt, but know in my heart that she most likely does but I don't know to what extent. I have wondered through her life her likes, dislikes, what she felt on her first day of school, all the other milestones that I've missed in her life. Since you aren't aware of the circumstances that your birthmother lives in, it is hard to say why she hasn't found you. She may not have the means to do so. For whatever the reason, know that you have always held a very special place in her heart and always will.

[didi20]

Thank you so much... i know that you are right...i just don't know how to find peace with it...it sounds dumb but i feel like this is the first time in my life i've ever opened up these feelings and they scare me and its so easy to push them away and never let myself think about them...but i want to get over this ed and i can't do it without forgiving her and letting go of this...it sounds impossible to me right now...any advice on how you found peace would be greatly appreciated...i've been looking into books but i'm afraid because i know how much it will hurt to read them...i'm also afraid that they will talk about reunion and not only do i not think its possible because i have no information and it was closed and its international...i also feel too hurt and keep hoping that one day she'll just show up and hug me and tell me how much she loves me...and that kills me...so any tips on how to accept this without and how to be able to talk about it without feeling this way would be very appreciated...

also i'm sure you know but i have no doubt that your daughter has you on a pedestal as i have my bmom...i am very angry and hurt by her but my love for her is much more than my anger and hurt...i believe she is the most beautiful tall thin successful woman that everyone wants to be around all the time...especially me...

[white_elephant]

Didi,

I have been reading your posts, and I want you to know you are not alone. I recently discovered that I was adopted at the age of 43, so I guess I'm learning how to be that person.... I have all of the same feelings you do. I cry all the time.

I could have written your posts as well. I didn't know which ones to reply to.

I know it does help to know that you aren't alone and that others are as devastated as you feel. it does get some what better over time, and you'll come to terms with it. Keep reading and keep posting.

I too wish my birth mom would just show up and hug me and tell me that it's all going to be all right.


Your posts make perfect sense to me, adn I know exactly how you feel.

Warm Regards.

[didi20]

Thank you so much for that it is comforting to know that I'm not alone with it...I still have mixed feelings about being on here because it hurts a lot to be here but I am hoping eventually it will get better...I hate that I know that fantasy will never happen and that is what hurts the most because right now I feel like thats the only way it will all go away...I just want to be able to fight off my ed and find peace with all this...right now it seems impossible and i battle everyday to keep getting better...some days are harder than others and i'm just trying to keep going and not giving up and in to ed...i have faith and hope that it won't hurt this much forever...i just miss her and love her so much...all i've ever wanted was to hear her say she loves me and that she hasn't forgotten me...i wish that was possible...

[kalong]

Didi,

I, too, am a Korean adoptee. I am 26 years old and also came over when I was less than a year (probably less than 6 months old).

I share some of your feelings you have about your birth and your birth mother. Just until perhaps a year or two ago, I never even thought about my adoption, or that about whatever feelings I had/have about my birth family or country. Even today I have not truly confronted and dealt with these issues- I usually cry or get teary eyed when I think of them.

A small (but significant) piece of warmth that I hang onto often is remembering that "Mom" chose life. Whether it was for her own personal health or for me, she decided to hang during those months and give birth. If I ever want to see my birth parents, all I have to do is look in the mirror.

I hope you find a bit of solace in this, as I have.

With regards to being a Korean adoptee specifically, there are resources out there for us- groups, planned trips, associations. Google for some Korean Adoptee sites sometime- there may be one dedicated to your state or region.

[ripples]

Didi20,
I so hear what you've written and just wanted to say that I can relate to a lot of the pain that you speak of. Your feelings are very real and similar emotions are felt by a lot of adoptees. There were many times in my situation where I just felt, "Auugghh! This pain is just too much! Will it never end!!??" There are other times when I am reminded of my adoption and I feel an immense sadness.

I encourage you to do whatever you can to let out your feelings in a place (physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually) that you feel safe - it's scary, I know, but well worth it. In my view, the only way 'out' of the pain is 'through' it.

After my nearly 3-year post-reunion journey where I'd suddenly had to come to grips with all my flood of emotions and pain, I've learned that I will never be totally 'rid' of this pain. I've learned that after all the turmoil I've gone through, this pain is a part of me. The good news is that it has become less severe over time and I have learned ways to better manage my pain. And I've gained tremendous support through meeting other adoption triangle people who can relate. And as odd as it might sound, in the depths of my pain, I have found an incredible, quiet strength.

One adoptee whom I'd met described her pain as similar to a scar. Every now and then it will be scratched and hurt like anything. Other times it won't.

Perhaps you might like to contact GOAL (Global Overseas Adoptees' Link) - it has been founded by overseas Korean adoptees and seems to offer a whole range of excellent support services.

Here's to sending you hugs - good for you for being so honest with your feelings. May you find hope in knowing that there are many of us who have faced similar journeys and arrived at a more peaceful place. It's by no means easy, but healing does come eventually.

Yours,
Ripples

[didi20]

I am so glad to hear from other international adoptees and that i am not alone...

i do feel like all this pain makes me stronger but i also feel like sometimes its just too much...i feel like i wish this never happened to me and i hate people that don't have to play this game of how much will it hurt and when will it come...i can't control it...

i just hate feeling like i'll never be good enough and that no one will ever pick me...i hate constantly worrying that anyone in my life no matter how close will eventually leave me and forget about me...it is so tiring trying to make sure they are never angry at me or forget about me...i'm afraid to let anyone forget about me because i am afraid that my bmom has forgotten about me...i feel like i'm not special or good enough to be chosen first...

i hate that this time of year i get so angry because my birthday is in a couple of months and from being around women that were pregnant i know how special a time it is and the connection that happens without even trying...i get angry that she felt me grow inside her and still didn't want me...i am grateful that she made the choice she did and gave me life...but i am so angry and hurt that i did something wrong or didn't mean enough to her when she was pregnant to keep me...why didn't she love me enough to keep me...i know it was the right choice and probably not easy but i don't understand how someone could carry you and feel you grow for 9 months and be able to let you go...i wish she didn't let me go and i wonder what i could have done to stay or make her come back...why hasn't she done that?

It is very difficult for me to come here and post and feel all this and i am continuing to try and come here because i think it will help...

i'm just very grateful for all who let me know i am not alone and that they share my feelings...i wish i wasnt so sensitive right now and could help others but i am just afraid right now...i hope some of this makes sense and i dont' sound selfish or like a jerk

[ripples]

Originally Posted by didi20

i hope some of this makes sense and i dont' sound selfish or like a jerk

To me, what you wrote makes total sense and you definitely don't sound selfish or like a jerk. I think you're incredibly courageous to deal with your emotional pain and what you wrote was very, very honest, clear and I totally relate.

I'd encourage you to keep writing here when you feel like it - I know it can be very difficult to face all this pain, but I've found that through expressing my emotions with empathetic people has been incredibly healing.

Yours,
Ripples

[didi20]

Thank you so much for that it really means a lot to know that i don't sound selfish or like a jerk..i wish i could believe it...i just come here to vent and let out everything i keep in but i feel guilty doing it because i feel like a burden to people here...i feel like all i do is whine to people who have better things to deal with than listen to me be a baby....

i'm having a harder and harder time dealing lately...school is getting more stressful so my ed is getting worse and adoption thoughts are in my head a lot lately...i love the show house md and the past two weeks have killed me and i can't get it out of my head...they were about a chinese woman looking for her birth parents in china who was given up in twenty five years ago...almost my life...and the other one was about a birth mother who wanted to give up her child and changed her mind at the last minute...i don't know if its because its been in the back of my head more lately or if the show just really focused on that lately...regardless i am miserable because it...

i want to know why my aparents didn't come to korea to get me...i don't care how much it cost or how inconvienent it was...why wasn't i good enough to come all the way for? i want to know why my bmom didn't hold me in haer arms and love me like the woman in the show...why didn't she realize that she couldn't live without me...why can she live without me...why didn't she love me enough why doesn't she love me enough to get me? i just want her to come and hold me and everything to be better....i'm so tired of feeling like the runner up and not knowing who i am.. i hate constantly feeling embarassed and not good enough...i feel so alone because of all this and my ed i've closed everyone out of my life....i'm all alone and i'm tired of it...i just want someone to love me and want me more than someone else...i want to be chosen and not stuck with... i feel so alone and haven't dated anyone in a long time because i am so afraid that i'm just there until someone else better comes along...i'm tired of feeling this way...it hurts too much..i'm just so scared someone anyone, my family, my friends, strangers, guys it doesn't matter who will realize how disgusting and fat and unloveable i am and will leave me too...i feel so lost and alone and like it just hurts too much...i'm so angry that at this time twenty six years ago my bmom was getting ready to give birth to me and still couldn't love me enough to leave me anything to show that she cared about me at all...and i hate that more than anything... i am so gut wrenching sad and alone and i'm tired of it...

[angeleye1016]

Sweet heart at 19 I found out I was adopted not by my mom but my dad and they hid it from me. I felt like something was missing and I had to find my dad. We'll honey the best gift your mom could have given you was giving you up..See there are loving reasons for giving up a child and it has nothing to do with not wanting you ...Its wanting whats best for you. and i had to find that out the hard way...See I found my dad and my heart was so happy I hoped I had found a missing link .... Not he was an evil wicked man and he hurt me worse than ever thinking that my mom kept it from me ...See God sent this wonderful man along and he adopted me when I was little and they never told me because he love me as much as his own..Sweetheart don't focus on bad reasons for her leaving you. She may not of had resources to provide and wanted you to have a better life. A I promise you she will never for get you...A mother never forgets a child she carries for nine months..there apart of your soul...Believe she did the best by loving you enough to give you up...and your adoptive parents would not of had the joy of watching you grow up and loving you if she hadn't made that sacrifice...forgive her and thank God for her love....I have had a wonderful life and after I met my psycho dad ...I realized how great it was that he walked away from me...but I was happy I was blessed with a dad who loved me and would die for me. You need to refocus cause finding your birth parent isn't always what its cracked up to be.. just know that you were blessed to be adopted... Best Regards honey...and stop abusing yourself ...I did that too...when my dad rejected me...your a wonderful person...love yourself

[ripples]

Originally Posted by didi20

i just come here to vent and let out everything i keep in but i feel guilty doing it because i feel like a burden to people here...i feel like all i do is whine to people who have better things to deal with than listen to me be a baby....

Hey Didi20,
I can understand how you feel guilty. I feel burdened by the constant reminder that I and other adoptees should just be glad, grateful, silent adoptees. So when I do dare to express 'darker' emotions, I too, feel guilty.

But another voice inside of me says, "Feel the guilt and let it all out anyway!"

Keep venting. That's what support forums are useful for. You speak so truthfully and honestly. Your words echo what many other adoptees, including me, feel too - so you are not alone. As you speak out your truth, eventually you WILL reach a place of being more at ease with who you are and why your adoption happened. Yes, it's painful stuff but I encourage you to keep sharing as much as you want. There are many people here such as me who can really relate to what you say. Keep at it - it takes courage to allow oneself to feel such deep emotions - but I do know it's worth it.

If there are any support groups in your area, I would also encourage you to connect with them. I found it immensely helpful to meet and talk in person with other adoptees.