[Emily_B]

Hi all! I just bagan the search for my birth family and really don't know where to begin. I was hoping this was the place. I was born in Romania in 1987 and was adopted by an American family in 1991. From what I have read, it looks like it will be quite a challenge to find my birth parents, but I also had some older/ younger sisters and a brother that were also adopted out. So I am thinking that would be a good place to start. Can anyone give me some advise that with start me off in the right direction?
Thanks so much!

[ripples]

Try the Global Overseas Adoptees' Link (GOAL), particularly their pages about the search process. While GOAL focuses on Korean adoptees, their general tips are of use. Read up as much as you can about search/reunion in general (eg. there are specific forums in this web site that discuss search/reunion).

Here are my general tips to consider before you go to your country of origin, if you do decide to make the trip. These are tips I've put together as a result of my recent one-year stay in Taiwan where I was born and adopted.

All the best to you in your search. Good on you for mustering up the courage to embark on this very important journey.

Yours,
Ripples

1. Cultural familiarity
How much are you familiar with the values, practices and language of your culture of origin? For example, in some Asian cultures, ‘yes’ can actually mean ‘yes, I hear you’, not ‘yes, I agree with you’. In Chinese culture, the number four is a bad number since it sounds like the word for death (so don’t give gifts, eg. placemats, that add up to four).

2. Poverty
It is possible that you might meet birth family who are much poorer than you. How do you feel when you meet others who are from extremely poor backgrounds?

3. Duty and obligation
Some cultures place very strong importance on duty and obligation within family. What are your feelings about duty and obligation, particularly when it comes to family?

4. Hierarchy
How do you deal with social, particularly family, hierarchies? For example, in Taiwan, younger generations are expected to respect and honour their elders. According to a family counsellor in Taiwan, it is common for older family members to tell their younger family members what to do. Often this is their way of showing personal concern for you.

5. Personal boundaries
You might be requested for favours (eg. sponsorship for immigration, money) from people whom, while birth related, you don’t know very well. How strong are you in managing personal boundaries, of knowing what you are and are not prepared to do, and honouring those personal boundaries, regardless of pressure from others?

6. Personal privacy
How much importance do you put on personal privacy? In some cultures in Asia, the concept of personal privacy is not as strong as in Western societies. For example, in Taiwan it is considered normal to ask someone, especially foreigners, about their marital status and their salary.

7. Grief and loss
How do you deal with feelings of grief, loss and/or bereavement? During your journey, you might experience these feelings, you might discover that your birth family members have died or do not wish to have contact with you.

8. Ambiguities and uncertainties
How resourceful are you in dealing with situations of ambiguity and uncertainty? Searching for one’s birth family in many ways is facing the unknown. If this is your first cross-cultural visit, there are likely to be a lot of things that are unfamiliar and confusing to you. You might also have to ask for and rely on the help from strangers. Some business people who’d visited Japan for the first time described their experience as scary as being like a child lost in a big department store.

9. Stress management
How do you manage stress, particularly in an unfamiliar environment? Many adoptees have described their search and reunion journeys as an emotional roller coaster. For example, I prefer to cycle as a way of relieving stress. However, since I found that cycling in my birth city was a lot more difficult, I joined a gym instead.

10. FAQs and other resources
What support networks do you have in place to help you with dealing with a) the emotional journey (many adoptees have described it as a roller coaster), b) interpreting the cultural and linguistic aspects of your journey?